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Dedicated February 2018

Sleeping woes

Michelle, on March 20, 2018 at 12:08 PM Posted in Married Life 0 19

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I got married Feb 11, to save money we moved in with my parents for three weeks while our apartment was being prepared (long story). I had a hard time sleeping the first two weeks then adjusted fairly well to my hubbies snoring. Then we moved to the new apartment. I have only gotten a goodnnights sleep two out of 14 nights once when we went to bed at the same time he didnt snore and we both slept soundly. However most nights he refuses to go to bed with me. I can’t sleep with him in the livingroom even if he’s not making any noise with headphones on I feel anxious and upset that he is awake in the other room. I had the same issue when we were dating at that time I just refused to sleep over if he wasnt going to bed with me at the same time. I would just go home unless he went to bed with me. I used to try to sleep over and he would stay ip watching movies I had a hard time falling asleep and would sometimes get mad at him for staying up so late. Maybe its feeling abandoned? i have no idea. I was blaming him for my sleep problems but it could be partially I do not feel at home in our new apartment. Its too bright he likes it bright but I need dimmer lights to get ready for sleep. The window lets in too much light I am still disturbed even with sleep mask and earplugs and fan. We just had a time change also so thats effecting my sleep too. The apartment smells like fresh paint even though we air it out all day. I worry about the neighborhood, its five minutes from my work so i can come home at lunch to walk my dog but that means its close to a hospital and so we get ambulance and helicopter noise also there are allot of homeless people because its close to the beach and that worries me. I was thinking maybe I need to bring some smells from home. I was trying to get all new stuff because my husband has polyps and dust mite allergies but I cannot sleep. I went home to sleep at my parents house last night because I was so tired. I have a mood disorder and anxiety and I was afriad I would end up in the hospital or do something stupid if I didnt get a good nights sleep. I just don’t feel like I can relax at my new apartment. My husband has told me he expects me to do most of the housework since he is paying a larger share of the bills while I focus on paying down debt. This stresses me out. I feel like I am always picking up after us. We plan to buy a fomd out couch so he can sleep in the livingroom but Thats not the solution I want. Any suggestions? I am desperate.

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Latest activity by John, on December 18, 2019 at 10:43 AM

Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 12:10 PM
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Its usually his snoring that wakes me up now. But also I just cant fall asleep once I do i’m woken up by him coming home, getting in bed and snoring, then late in the night more snoring... and yet again around 4 am... snoring...
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on March 20, 2018 at 12:13 PM
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Are you currently doing any kind of therapy to help with your anxiety/mood disorder? That’s where I would start. I would also see if your insurance would cover a sleep study.
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Devoted June 2018
Heather · on March 20, 2018 at 12:28 PM
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Agreed! When your anxiety about things is affecting your life, it's time to seek professional help with it.
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Expert July 2017
SaraBear · on March 20, 2018 at 12:31 PM
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Honestly, I’d opt for counseling or therapy to help you with your anxiety and mood. They will have methods that will allow you to get to sleep. If you’re already seeing someone, I would ask them to help you specifically focus on sleeping and practices to relax. Also, if you haven’t already, you need to talk to your husband and tell him exactly what worries you and what you’re stressed about. I think it’s unrealistic to expect him to go to bed with you at the same time every single night (that’s what therapy is for) but hopefully he can help give you peace of mind for some of the other things you’re worried about. While I am not diagnosed anxiety, I am highstressed and I do overthink and my husband and I have talked about what stresses me out so he doesn’t add to it.

For the record, I think it’s unfair that he expects you do most of the housework because he pays more bills. Paying down your debt is equally beneficial for your marriage because your debt is now also his debt. When you pay off your debt, is he magically going to start helping with housework? I’d also consider bringing him along to therapy if he has that mentality.

Good luck!! I was just in therapy for difficulty sleeping and I have to say it really did help after just a few sessions.
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Expert February 2018
Kiersten · on March 20, 2018 at 1:16 PM
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I agree with PP about seeking some counseling, if you let everything build it won't be healthy for yourself or your marriage.

As far as the snoring, have you tried breathe right strips? Or maybe a mattress that can be elevated (since you mentioned new stuff). My husband snores and falls asleep within five seconds of laying down, so if I'm not alseep before him it's just not gonna happen. One of the reasons I switched to a midnight shift was so we were on opposite sleep schedules so I could get sleep, and we rarely sleep in the same bed or the same time (even on my days off).

If you haven't lived together prior to getting married, there's going to be an adjustment period. Don't over analyze it, cause you're just adding to the stress.
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VIP November 2018
starsinwaves · on March 20, 2018 at 1:23 PM
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My husband has told me he expects me to do most of the housework since he is paying a larger share of the bills while I focus on paying down debt. This stresses me out. I feel like I am always picking up after us.
Sorry, I'm ignoring your question because I need to address this. You two need to sit down and discuss finances and expectations. You're married now, your debt affects both of you. It's not your responsibility to do everything around the house just because you came into the marriage with debt. I can only imagine how much worse this will get if you decide to have kids.
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Devoted September 2016
Carrie · on March 20, 2018 at 1:37 PM
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I came here just to comment on the housework thing which is absolutely ridiculous and controlling. Having debt does not equate to you being 'punished' by having to do more. Both spouses need to keep up with the housework and cleaning as equal partners. Counseling asap. Starsinwaves hit the nail on the head here.
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VIP January 2019
NVV2B · on March 20, 2018 at 1:39 PM
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I really think you should try and see a therapist because it sounds like you have somethings that need to be addressed by a professional.

For the brightness - get black out curtains. For the noise - get a white noise or ocean sound machine (or play it off your phone)

And as others have said - it is not ok that he thinks you should be doing all the chores. He lives there too. He can pick up after himself.
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Super January 2019
PalmTrees · on March 20, 2018 at 1:41 PM
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My FS and I both have major sleep issues, we’ve lived together over two years and still hardly ever go to bed at the same time. I honestly sleep so much better when I have the bed to myself. And I feel bad about that as he likes having me next to him but I can’t help it. As for the snoring, has he talked to his doctor about having a sleep study done to check for sleep apnea? FS has it and when he wears his cpap he doesn’t snore at all. Sleep apnea can be a really serious thing if not treated.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 1:53 PM
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A sleep study for me? I sleep find at my parents house in my old bed slept like a baby last night. His insurance is a ppo so talking him into anything elective is difficult. I treat my illness with acupuncture/ lifestyle management/ herbs/vitamins/supplements/therapy. He has ocd around television and dvd watching but refuses treatment.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 1:55 PM
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My anxiety is under treatment of an endochronologist and a therapist I am not interested in taking sedatives for anxiety they are habit forming.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 1:55 PM
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I have been seeing a therapist but there was a lapse in care of three weeks due to moving.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 1:56 PM
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We are also in couples counseling we have had a lapse in that too.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 1:58 PM
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Agreed he’s nuts about finances checks every penny that comes in or out of the joint account part if his ocd and from him being homeless after college for two years. I really want him to seek counseling like I am but he will only go to couples therapy. We will talk about all this in therapy. Thanks.
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Master June 2016
Sarah · on March 20, 2018 at 2:01 PM
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You can’t just go sleep at your parents all the time, though. This might sound harsh but that’s not how marriage works. A sleep study might help determine what kinds of things are triggering you to wake up, and it might help your therapist with helping you find better ways to cope.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 2:06 PM
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His snoring and noise from him coming in the room triggers me to wake up.
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Dedicated February 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 2:07 PM
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I am a trauma survivor and the person entered the room at night. I think there is a link here.
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VIP September 2018
Michelle · on March 20, 2018 at 2:42 PM
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It used to drive me up the wall when my FH and I first moved in together because he’d be on his phone until 3am! Oh my word I cannot sleep when there is light, I have black out curtains. So when we bought our first house I made a rule NO phones in bed. At all. Idc if you aren’t tired and want to be in your phone but take your butt elsewhere. By the time he’d come to bed I was already asleep. Over time he started coming to bed earlier and earlier and now we go to bed at the same time. He says it’s less convenient to be tired and on his phone in the living room instead of in bed.
When I set that rule I let him set a rule, his was whoever does the cooking also washes the dishes. 😂 little did he know he’d take up cooking as a hobby and now he’s reaping in the annoyance of his own rule. I help him out though if it’s a bigger meal.

You both should be defining the rules of your household. Idc how in debt you are and if he makes more money or not. However, it’s a give and take as far as rule making goes. I suggest if he expects you to clean more then it’s fair of you to expect him to come to bed with you.
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Devoted May 2018
FutureLadyH · on March 20, 2018 at 3:31 PM
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I love the rule of whoever cooks, does dishes!! Ours was the oposite (I cook, you handle dishes), but it's just packing the dishwasher so it's not too bad. It seems like bed time rituals are an area of compromise for quite a few couples. We have an agreement regarding the type of TV that's on before we go to bed (some programs lead to bad dreams/ nightmares).

OP - I think you've taken the right steps going to couples counseling. You guys will definitely need to compromise on a few things like bed times and finances. Hopefully, counseling will bring both of you to a good place.
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