Rehearsal Dinner Stress

Typically out of town guests don't go to the rehearsal, just the rehearsal dinner. The guest list is really up to the person hosting, ideally they consult the bride & groom. We had 70 people at our RD, I wouldn't have it any other way. It was so nice to spend extra time with everyone. We spent 2 hours at the RD, then another 2 hours at the hotel bar after. It was a beautiful weekend spent with all our guests, not just our wedding party, and it wasn't stressful at all. I got plenty of alone time with my bridesmaids at the bachelorette & getting ready on the wedding day the morning of and same for my husband. It was a beautiful weekend, all our guests mingled & had way more time together than just the wedding. We didn't feel rushed or overwhelmed by too many people at events.

This is a growing trend I've been seeing for awhile now, and I personally don't care for it. Having all of your out of town guests present at the Rehearsal and Rehearsal Dinner? No. That's not how this is supposed to work. I agree that the Rehearsal and RD should be ONLY B&G, wedding party, and the spouses/SOs of the WP. Maybe the officiant also. But that's it. It was never intended to be any kind of welcome party. It's a simple thank you dinner for the wedding party, for the bride and groom to say thanks for doing this with us, and spending your time, your money, to make our special day even more special.

What is so wrong with people spending their evening in a hotel? They came into town to attend a wedding. Nothing more, nothing less. Having them all at the RD could make it like OP said, a second wedding reception, only without the wedding ceremony. It makes no sense to me, even if you could afford to host that many people. Why would you? You're hosting them all the very next day!! I'm sure no out of town guest has any expectation of being present for anything other than the wedding and reception (except maybe OPs FHs family!), because that's what they came for! I wish people would stop trying to cram two weddings into one!

Although I see MrsD's point of view also, for people that don't do crowds well, or suffer with anxiety, this is not a good development. OP, talk with your FH, and find a way for you to explain this to his parents so they can understand. This "tradition" they have started does NOT make you happy, and in fact gives you more anxiety than you already have. Good luck.

Would it be possible to compromise with a welcome reception ? Have your rehearsal and dinner with those involved, and afterwards open it up to the larger group of out of town guests for drinks (and maybe snacks) at a bar or something nearby? That way you still get to make the in laws happy by including them/visiting them/hosting them, but it takes the pressure off the earlier events — you get something you want (private rehearsal/dinner) and they get something they want (an event), but it can be a much more low key casual event, and you’ll have already had your time to chill and eat. For a welcome thing you don’t really need to entertain anyone. Walk through, a few hellos and hugs, but much less pressure/stress.

I’ve never heard of out of town guest attending the rehearsal, I find that strange and would absolutely let my in laws know that out of town guest are not invited to the rehearsal. Honestly even if their paying for the rehearsal dinner I would hope they could respect your wishes and limit it to bridal party only. You could always suggest a welcome party (drinks and appetizers) for out of town guest, or even a breakfast the following day.

View Quoted Comment Ohh, I like that compromise. Like have a welcome reception with heavy apps and drinks for out of town family then leave to go to the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner with the wedding party. Then you aren’t the bad guy for 100% ignoring them but can still have a slightly smaller rd.

But also... it’s fairly traditional to have a rehearsal dinner with out of town people. It isn’t something completely random that they are doing. It’s just worse in your situation in part because of the size of the wedding party.

I agree with most of the PPs here, the distant family should be able to entertain themselves for a couple hours in a new city (we're all adults, we have the internet at our fingertips at all times). I personally love the idea of having the more intimate rehearsal / RD and then have a *very* low key drinks thing afterward with the OOT guests.

So our traditions include OOT guests as well. The list started at about 65 but we knew not everyone would get into town early enough. Only those actually involved in the ceremony will be at the rehearsal but OOT guests are invited to the dinner at the hotel we are staying at. It's a low key buffet with a 2 hour consumption bar just as a thank you for those who have paid the extra cost of travel and time off work. Anyone who is not MOH/BM, FOB/FOG will also be able to say a few words if they want, we will say an extra thank you, but we don't plan on going table to table to say hi to everyone. We will be hanging out in the lobby/bar after for anyone who wants to come to us, but I am not making table rounds 2 nights. Any rehearsal dinner I've been to has been similarly laid out to what we are doing. If they want OOT guests and you don't have an overwhelming objection, I would just let it be known that its not the wedding and you won't be making rounds.

I ran into the same dilemma with my FMIL. She wanted to do a mini family reunion/potluck after the rehearsal dinner and invite everyone. Both FH and I explained we didn't want that. We ended taking over hosting and decided to do a 1 1/2 hour meet and greet after the dinner. Light appetizers and beer/wine. It was a great compromise. We'll see how it turns out next week. Lol

I actually think is curtesy to invite out of town guest to the rehearsal dinner. Is an extra appreciate and a way to say thank you for their travel expenses and to have some extra time with them. Not necessary to have them at the rehearsal. I think this part is something you can get away with changing with the future in laws but not the dinner. I want to give you a different view of mingling with so many people during rehearsal dinner... you’ll have less to talk on wedding day and actually enjoy the wedding day. I often find bride and groom stuck going around table making small talk with people instead of actually enjoying the wedding date. In my opinion if I could pick I’ll rather have this time during rehearsal than during my wedding. Call it a night early on and enjoy the rest of the evening alone unwinding.
I had a destination wedding so I had my entire guest list at rehearsal dinner follow by welcome party the night before our wedding. I took quick pics with everyone during our reception and dance the night away. Best decision I took because it didn’t took time away from our big day.
Just a different perspective to look at it.

I've always been told that it's the bridal party and parents at the rehearsal and the dinner. The rehearsal is practice for the following day. No one else really needs to be there for that except the people who are in the wedding. I never understood why people invited spouses of the bridal party either. I feel like the BP can handle being away from their s/o for a couple hours. Plus I always thought they'd be bored just watching everything. We're having a total of 16 people at our rehearsal and the dinner. No one else needs to come. They'll see it all the next day anyways

I have anxiety so I get where you're coming from. I would put your foot down and say no, it's the people you want to have there. Suggest that your FMIL has a small get together or dinner for all the out of town guests. There's no reason to add extra stress to you and she should respect how you feel. But I know how families can be. Good luck

Hold the rehearsal dinner you want to have and pay for it yourselves. Warn your future in-laws that you won't be attending the party they are giving.

I've never been to an RD as an out of town guest, and TBH I wouldn't want to be! i like to explore the place I'm staying and I think the night before is the best time to! I agree with you OP, its your day! Find a compromise or put your foot down!

Very often when a lot of out of town guests are family, they are entertained by other family members the night before, or day after the wedding. And whether the rehearsal dinner happened a week before or the night before the wedding, no one but B & G and bridal party attend. Parents are optional. You are right not to do nearly a second huge group like the reception , once is enough and this is primarily for the couple and wedding party.
So tell them, up front: No out of town guests, or in town relatives at the RD. Not negotiable. They can choose, to plan something separate for a family reunion just for their own family from out of town, which they can host, and not come to the RD. Groom's parents or some other local relatives can do groom's family. Bride's parents, or another of bride side relatives can do bride's relatives. Most often when people travel a long way, while they are there it is family they want to see. Seeing the other family once at the wedding is enough. And you give the RD, for your wedding party, only. Or, choice 2, out of town relatives can make plans with relatives in the area themselves, or do what they want. And your parents can join you and the wedding party for the RD. No other choice. You will have to host the RD yourselves, and not with their money. It is worth it. Two days in a row of a wedding size crowd is too much for many people. And you don't want the RD to ruin your wedding day. . . .Stand up and loudly say it. There will be no out of town guests, at all, from any family, at the RD. Anyone who does not like it can stay home. The choices are, family reunion event you and wedding party do not attend, while you do RD. Or nothing, while you do RD. And no observers at all, including moms and FOG who are being seated but not participating. Just people participating. Closed rehearsal. Some things about a whole wedding you often need to compromise on. But the ceremony itself, and the choice of Wedding party, and the ceremony rehearsal, and thanking the wedding party are the exclusive right of the couple to decide on. Never anyone else. Standard etiquette. You can accept or decline having anyone but yourselves do the RD . If some one else, like Groom's parents, volunteers to host the RD, you officially hand over the decision making, and they can invite 93 extra people if they want. It is host's choice. So do not hand over the RD. You host it. And you do it the way you want .

I’m facing the same situation, and i’m so frustrated. my FH parents want to throw the rehearsal dinner at their house, but the hotel we have booked is 45 minutes away. and on top of that they want around 100 people to come. I told my FH I don’t think it’s a good idea and that we need to have it closer to the hotel, because the risk of people drinking and driving and something happening to them the night before our wedding. Long story short his mother has thrown a huge fit because she wants it at her house, because her family that’s going to be coming from out of town is staying closer to them so she wants to do what’s convenient for her. i’m to the point where I would rather just not have a rehearsal dinner and it makes me sad /:

View Quoted Comment So why can't she simply host a gathering of her family who are staying near them, or who want to come from the hotel? Separate . Why make it one big RD. As B and G you can accept someone's offer to do an RD. Or decline the offer. If you accept, as hostess she has the most control over number of guests, and nature of party. So decline her offer. "Thank you very much for offering to give the RD, but we have made other plans. We will be doing the rehearsal followed by RD at or near the venue. Only the participants in the wedding ceremony, not guests , or other family, will be invited. But please, FMIL, do plan the dinner party or gathering you want as a family reunion before the wedding. As you and FFIL are honored guests but not participants in the ceremony you will not be involved in the Rehearsal or RD, and I think you are right that your out of town family would like a family gathering at your home . " . . . There is absolutely no need to accept her offer to host the RD. You clearly want this as the only gathering with your and the groom's wedding party, the only pre-wedding gathering of all of you as a group, when you thank them, and celebrate primarily with them.
And in my experience, she is probably right that OOT family, want to gather the night before. But, I seriously doubt that any of those family give a hoot about meeting any of your wedding party or their SO, outside of the wedding itself. And your WP have no interest in extended family . What makes no sense is trying to put together two entirely separate groups, when you the couple clearly do not want it. Say NO to her hosting the actual RD, in any form. Your WP stay at the venue area, and are separate all evening . The family stuff, can be their families from OOT. . . . And do not argue. She offered a party. You decline. Nothing to discuss. The RD belongs to you unless you give it away to another host. So don't.

Thank you so much for posting this.
I'm literally freaking out about almost the exact same situation.

*The ceremony rehearsal is practice for the wedding so things will go smoothly since weddings don't happen very often. *The dinner after the rehearsal is to thank people for being in the wedding. *No one should need to practice eating, and if they do, it's not your responsibility to facilitate that.*You can thank the other guests for coming to the wedding AT the wedding.

Feel free to skip the rest, apparently I needed to vent too:
I get really anxious around other people too, so whenever someone tries to give me a reason to include more people in any non-wedding, I just want to (and sometimes actually) say, "We're inviting all of these people to the wedding. That's what they get out of this. They get to be there."
...I've explained several times, very clearly, that I cannot handle the stress of something like this the night before the wedding, but it doesn't seemed to have made a difference. My mom suggested that we have a rehearsal dinner with just the people who need to rehearse (see above) and if they still want to have an event with everyone afterward, they can do it without me.
I hope you get the rehearsal dinner you want, good luck!