Skip to main content

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

V
Champion July 2019

Problems

Veronica, on October 26, 2019 at 8:38 AM Posted in Married Life 0 11
I come from a very close family. My parents have been married for 20+ years. Holidays, birthdays and vacations, and any special events meant all of us together. My husband's family is very different. His parents are divorced, but before they got divorced, his father never did anything with them. His mom would take him and his brother on vacations all the time without his father because he hated going on vacations. They would often spend holidays separate because his father didn't want to participate. So my husband is used to this. He is part of a group of 6 friends and when they were younger they used to go on camping trips and things like that. They have continued as they have gotten older. They agreed it would only ever be the 6 of them. Now that they are grown up, they are all starting to get married and have kids, but they still plan on going on these trips without their families. He told me this is normal. He feels these trips let him forget his responsibilities and relive his childhood which makes me uncomfortable. He is currently planning a trip next year and we are trying to have a baby. I wouldn't be okay with him going away if we had a brand new baby, but he feels I shouldn't always need him. Throughout our relationship, he has always wanted one night a week to himself which meant I would go find something else to do that night so I didn't bother him. I've told I don't like this, but he feels it is healthy for our relationship that we have personal space. I agree that we don't need to always spend time together, but in his mind that means I'm not home and I don't agree with that. We have had many fights about this. I have tried telling him that children aren't going to understand that he needs personal space. He claims he will tell them he just needs sleep so he can get personal space. I am very concerned because he wants me to agree that I would be 100% okay with all of this, but I'm not. He told me if I can't 100% accept this then maybe we shouldn't be together. I had almost called off the wedding when he went on a 7 day trip to Alaska right before our wedding and a lot of stuff was happening and he was off on vacation and I felt like he abandoned me when I needed him the most. It got me thinking that I didn't want anything like that to happen again and I was concerned it would happen again if/when he goes on these guy trips. We live in a completely different state from both families so I wouldn't have either family to relieve on when he goes on these trips. Sorry for the long rant, but after only 3 months I feel like my husband and I are totally different pages.

11 Comments

Latest activity by Haley, on November 4, 2019 at 1:16 PM
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I wouldn’t be trying to have a baby with someone I wasn’t on the same page as. I suggest counseling. I don’t necessarily agree or disagree with either of your points of view, but if you don’t agree having a baby isn’t going to make it better.
    • Reply
  • Jai
    VIP May 2020
    Jai ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I agree with the above. I would suggest counseling. We are doing premarital counseling because we want to be on the same page ( we pretty much are) but wanna work out any kinks. Priorities need to be the same. I applaud you for saying how you feel and expressing it. That's important.
    • Reply
  • Amber
    Dedicated October 2020
    Amber ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I think there's definitely a way to compromise. Everyone needs alone time, but you don't need to not be home to have it. You can just be in different rooms. He can have a guys trip once a year, but shouldn't go the year you have a newborn (or at least plan it for when the baby is at least 6 months old or hire a babysitter to help while he's gone). I don't think there's anything wrong with him wanting space, but his timing doesn't seem to be the best. Just try to talk to him about improving his timing and if that doesn't work, try counseling.
    • Reply
  • SraDeCarrillo
    Super August 2019
    SraDeCarrillo ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I’m from a more tight nit family than my husband and he is used to doing things alone or with friends rather than with family. I don’t see anything wrong with a yearly guys trip (especially if the other guys are also married and/or have kids) because they probably won’t get too wild. Also, you should be allowed a yearly girls trip as well. It’s only fair.

    Kids don’t care if their parents need sleep so your husbands logic is totally flawed. My husband and I have a 16 month old and are pregnant now with a honeymoon baby. I also have two older boys (12 and 10) from a previous relationship and no matter how many times I ask them to quiet down so I can take a nap, it doesn’t happen. Kids have no concept of personal space. As an introvert I tend to crave alone ti e and that doesn’t happen until late at night when they are all in bed and I become sleep deprived because I really want to read a book.

    Do not have any kids yet because they will 100% put a strain on your relationship. Make sure you guys do the work to get on the sane page first. Your husband needs to understand that it’s not all about him. If you compromise for him, he needs to compromise for you. A marriage requires work and it won’t be successful if only one person is working at it.

    • Reply
  • Mandee
    Devoted September 2020
    Mandee ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I agree with all the pp suggesting counseling! I would also hold off on getting pregnant until ya'll work this out. I don't know that I would have gone through with the wedding with him acting like that, but since you did you need to be firm about what is and isn't acceptable in your marriage. A yearly guys trip shouldn't be a problem (esp if they're all married too) but running off for any reason is not okay at all! Kids aren't going to understand his distance and you and he need to discuss that before you have any. Counseling will help iron all that out, and if he won't change or compromise then you really need to evaluate if this marriage is viable.

    • Reply
  • A
    Super August 2020
    Alex ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I would say you need to find some balance that makes both of you happy. I think guys trips are perfectly normal and healthy! You don't need to be together at all times. You should be able to spend a weekend, or event a week apart and be okay! That being said, I think is is completely reasonable for you not to want him to leave you at home with a newborn by yourself. I would say something like this: "We have agreed to have children together, as a team. It makes me nervous/uncomfortable (whatever you feel) to be alone while we are still learning how to care for our child. Would you be willing to skip this years trip or move it before the baby comes?" As for a night to himself a week, that's normal and fine. My FH golfs every Wednesday and I am on my own. At first, I hated it. Now I have come to love and enjoy my Wednesday. Sometimes I have wine night with the girls, others I chill and treat myself to a bubble bath or something of that nature. I agree that that kind of time will be harder with kids, but if it something your husband need, you need to help him get that. Maybe he has a night to himself when the kid(s) have a late dance class or soccer practice, etc. I know you are frustrated, but you need to listen to what he needs. People need different things and you should respect his needs, but he should also respect yours!

    • Reply
  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I've been with my FH for 10 years and last thanksgiving was the first holiday we've ever spent together. And we only spent that together because his grandparents assumed since we were engaged that we would suddenly want to do holidays together so they moved their thanksgiving to Saturday (which was super nice of them but I'd honestly rather just leave it the way it was).

    I actually kind of live spending holidays separate. (Most people think we are very weird that we do this) He goes to his family on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day and I go to my family. I like to stay and talk to my family for hours, he is not a talker so he would rather just go home. And when we go to his family, it is ONLY his grandparents (his mom passed away and his dad lives far away) and they are very quiet people. So between FH being quiet and his grandparents being quiet, we basically just sit in silence for 2 hours. (Don't get me wrong, I love his family. But I come from a loud family where everyone is in each other's business. His family is very private, quiet, and they don't like to share a lot of personal stuff with anyone.)

    We have a group of about 6 of us (friends who have been friends forever) who do Christmas Eve dinner every year and that's how we spend our holiday together. We also usually spend black friday with our friend group as well. I'm the only girl (none of the other guys are married or have girlfriends yet, 1 is divorced and has a 3 year old.) So I understand your husband's thing about continuing traditions with his friends because that is very important to us too.

    If some of the other friends are starting to get married or have kids as well, maybe you can start a new tradition and incorporate them into it. Like have a christmas eve dinner with your husbands friend group? That way you will feel more involved AND he will have his friends over. And then he can also do his trip because that's HIS thing.

    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Unfortunately, starting a new tradition like that wouldn't be possible as all of his friends live in different areas. One lives in CA, one lives in Ohio, one lives in Massachusetts, 2 live in New Jersey and we live in Maryland. We have talked and I've expressed that I still want vacations with him and I as well as any children we have. I have also told him that these trips can't take place when we would celebrate our anniversary as in the past that's right around the time he normally has these trips. One of the guys in the group is actually my husband's younger brother and I know his wife likely won't be happy with these trips either. I guess it is hard for me because I don't have a lot of friends and when I do hang out with them I always invite my husband. We also do holidays together so splitting up holidays would be very unsual to us especially since we are in the process of trying to start a family.
    • Reply
  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Does the younger brother live near you? Maybe you can hang out with is wife while the guys go on the trips.

    • Reply
  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    No he is the one that lives in Ohio and we live in Maryland so it is like 10 hour drive. My family is in Pennsylvania which is like a 3 hour drive so I'd probably go home for the weekend. The one trip he went on, I went home and I went to Niagara Falls with my mom, sister and grandmother so I could probably do something like that again, but it would just be harder if we have a baby.
    • Reply
  • Haley
    Expert October 2020
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Hopefully you guys can reach a compromise before a baby happens!

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics