Pandemics and bridal showers

You’re going to get a wide range of responses here, I think this is a know your crowd sort of thing. If people have been asking about it and are aware of your wedding guest list, I’d probably say do it. If no one has mentioned it, I would not.

Shower guests are your closest inner circle who would be invited even after cuts are made. You will know who those are by that time to give the guest list to the shower hosts.

If they have been cut the from the final wedding guest list, it is inappropriate to invite them to the shower. There is no feasible way to monitor guests leaving at a certain time so another group can come in.

Rather than a shower, I'd hold it after the wedding and treat it as a very casual celebration of marriage. That way guests are still part of the main event rather than a gift giving lead up to the main event

I feel like it’s a bit weird just due to the gift giving aspect. My parents were once invited to a party to celebrate some newlyweds—garden party, very casual, after the wedding—as not many were invited to the wedding itself. That seems like a better option to me. People who want to still give gifts can even if they aren’t invited! I’ve done that before (although to be fair, mostly for coworkers).

I agree with Willow. Or, if you really do want to treat it as a pre-wedding event, then I'd make sure to specify no gifts. You could make it a casual pre-celebration of your marriage, but definitely no gifts if you've cut these people from your invite list

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It's better to skip any pre wedding parties as those are for invited guests only. Have a celebration after the wedding if you want to invite them but gifts are optional at a renewal/celebration party, where they are the main agenda at a shower.

If you would like to have a traditional shower, where guests bring you gifts, then I would limit it to only the people invited to your wedding. Inviting people to bring you a gift for a wedding they are not invited you can definitely come off as rude and “gift grabby”. However, if you just want to have a pre-wedding celebration with all your friends and family, then you could definitely do that as long as you make it clear that guests are not to bring gifts. Probably the easiest and most couth way to handle it would be to have a post-wedding celebration.

The pandemic has changed many things, but I don’t think that it changes basic manners. People shouldn’t be invited to pre-wedding events, especially those centered around giving you gifts, when they aren’t invited to the wedding.

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Basic manners have not been changed due to the pandemic. This is correct

Agree with the general idea of the responses here. If you are having a shower, which is a gift giving event, then I would not invite those not included in the wedding. I think you can frame it as a non-gift giving event and call it something else, and maybe invite people not included in the wedding, but I'm not sure it would fulfil the dual purpose of being a "drop by and say hi" to those not in the wedding and a "bridal shower where gifts are given" to those who are invited. I would say keep it small and limit it to only those invited to the wedding (note: if you invite someone to the wedding but they cannot come to the wedding, you can still invite them to the shower, say for example if you had a friend who was pregnant and due very close to the date of your wedding). I like the idea of having a post-marriage wedding celebration in a park if you'd like to include more people.

View Quoted Comment Thank you all for your input! I certainly don’t want to offend anyone and I’m definitely not gift focused.


The reason I brought the question up is because we have family on both sides that are aware we had to cut our guest list and will no longer be invited to the wedding, but have asked to still be invited to the bridal shower. They only people I am considering inviting to the bridal shower that aren’t invited to the wedding are the family members that have explicitly asked to still be invited to the bridal shower even though they know they are not invited to the wedding. I appreciate everyone’s feedback on this.

There has always been one major exception to the showers only for those invited rule. And group or subset of the bride's friends, be it co-workers, bible study group, choir, soccer team ...who know that none of them have been or will be invited to the wedding, though not invited to showers by the closer circle of friends,, may get together and hold their own separate shower. Usually the gifts are not as big as closest friends, or people may combine funds so every group of 3-5 buy a gift. I grew up in small mountain towns where old neighbors, Inn staff where I worked, library staff where I worked, mothers whose kids I babysat for years, got together to give me a shower. None would have accepted if they had been invited ( hours away) so there was no bad feeling. And no one from the bride's family or close friends had anything to do with organizing it. They had a gift limit per person.
🙂 Your question has come up multiple times. There really is no reason that it is suddenly okay to collect gifts in a family sponsored shower, along with those actually going. If a bunch of these people want to get together, bake brownies and bring ice cream and invite the bride to a separate shower for non-wedding attendees, there is no reason not to. But the idea and plans should come from them, showing they want it, that is all. And where shower gifts are understood to be in addition to wedding gifts, here people may do just a shower gift. Or just a card. Or people may independently simple send wedding gifts. It matters that no one in from family solicit gifts. But other people are free to get together and give them.

I think people might see this as that theyre not important enough to make the wedding guest list, but youre expecting them to give you a gift at the shower

Absolutely not. You can't ask for gifts from people not on the invite list. Also maybe just have a smaller event that people can stay and be hosted at instead of a drive-by shower