Night Shift Struggles leo

My FH is also an LEO and only recently switched to a 2-11 schedule instead of night shift so I understand the loneliness.. it is something you need to discuss with him and possibly go to a couples counselor if you are truly that unhappy and he will not compromise even changing his schedule. I also moved away from family and friends for his job so I understand how difficult it can be, granted we don't have children but I imagine that I would feel very similar to how you feel. Relationships are compromise and he needs to make sure you are happy just as you have for him by moving and allowing him to keep his night shift schedule especially with a young baby

I also suggest counseling.

That said, are you in a position to hire someone to help? Maybe someone who can come in a few times a week to watch the baby while you both have time together, or you work/he sleeps so you can spend time with baby together, etc?

Just shifting a little of the care off of you would probably go a long way at the moment.

Hi! My FH is a LEO. I have three step-kids and a baby on the way, and I know it’s not easy. My fiancé also works nights (he actually switched from days two months ago) and with my shifts as a nurse and medical school, we don’t see each other much. Most of my days are classes/work/ get kids to practices/school/ etc. That being said, I am so, so much happier that my FH is on thirds because he tried the day shift (after switching from nights) and he was miserable. He absolutely hated it, and he took it out (unknowingly) on me and the kids. It got so bad he had to go to therapy and go on medication for depression. He hated how mundane the work was as he is passionate about DUI’s, domestics, etc, and days are mostly boring things like speeding. He hated the amount of supervisors breathing down his neck, he hated it all.


What worked for us was setting up exact times every week we spent time together, and exact times he HAD to take care of the kids and let me sleep in or do my own thing, no matter how tired he was, because I’m tired too! A set schedule works much, much better with nights. Also, we downloaded the app called Lasting (couples therapy app of sorts? It really helps with talking things out through it, I can not recommend it enough- it was recommend by several other night shift spouses to me). We commit time to working on the app which helps with communication and breaking down problems and confronting them while being able to see the other person’s point of view. And- I cannot stress this enough- find a support group of other LEO spouses, whether at his department or a forum online. You NEED other people who go through this, because it is an entirely different lifestyle, and it’s not easy at all.
You aren’t selfish for wanting more help. You aren’t selfish for being exhausted and wanting more from him for your family. But the truth is, most LEO’s aren’t the best family men by nature, and sometimes even when you communicate your problems they just don’t get it at first. It’s not that they’re ignoring your needs- they just genuinely don’t have a brain hardwired for emotion. They can’t with their jobs. They need a LOT of guidance, and sometimes you have to pick your battles. It sounds like your husband loves night shift, and I’m not sure it’s fair to ask him to give up a job he loves (and yes, third shift is like an entirely different job than second shift)- also, it could affect him mentally and make your life more miserable as well, as was my case. However, it IS fair to ask him to do his part and to listen to your needs and help out. Being an officer doesn’t give him a free pass, and I have to remind my FH of that often.
At the end of the day, remember, no part of being married to an officer will ever be easy, but so, so many wives out there are going through the same problems. You are NOT alone girl! I promise. Hang in there, and try to communicate to your husband exactly what you need.

View Quoted Comment Just wanted to comment that my FH is also a LEO and our wedding date is exactly the same! CRAZY! Congrats!

I mean he may be unhappy with working the day shift, but it sounds like he doesnt have any reason besides he just doesn't want to. Its totally unfair to you to have to shoulder that much of the work with the baby when your husband has the opportunity to improve your situation. This is just something youd have to really sit down and discuss with him, not just keep mentioning in passing. It sounds like your situation with this and moving away from family is only causing you to resent him and explaining what you do every day to him may make him see that

My husband works in elevator construction. He gets overtime and when he does it can be from 6a to 6p, or even 4p to 12a. Our biggest issue was not having time to spend with me and us not seeing each other
We did couples therapy and it taught us about making time for each other. Because a lot of the time cleaning, cooking and errands was left on me (I work full time and am a student fulltime). There was no balance.

That sucks you don't get to spend time together, but it does sound like it works out well for caring for your child. If he took the day shift, would you need to get childcare and have those additional stressors?

View Quoted Comment Thanks! You too!! It's coming up so fast!!

I myself am a LEO and understand that our schedules can be a struggle in a relationship. That being said, you knew what you were getting into before you married him. I know he said he would switch shifts, but not all departments allow you to switch whenever you want. There has to be an opening on that shift and, depending on his rank, he might be needed where he is at.

Also, I'm assuming he's on a rotating schedule? So he likely has many does off in a row (3-4)? As long as he contributes to your household during those days, I think letting him work where he wants when he wants is fine. Being a LEO is not an easy job physically or mentally, so he needs to be happy where he is at and your support will only help with that. In a few years he may decide to switch to day shift.

View Quoted Comment It can be tough! We even struggled with it before a baby because I literally wouldn't see him for 5 days at a time because he would be gone before I got home. I think it's just harder now because he was the one who really wanted kids probably even more than I did. I thought he would want to be around more for that. I told him before we had kids that I'm not the type of woman who will be okay with most of the work that comes with kids because co parenting is important to me. We will work through it, compromise is everything in marriage but difficult when you feel it isn't an even compromise.

View Quoted Comment I'm not trying to sound ignorant to how difficult the job is. I understand that it is stressful and mentally and physically draining. Having a difficult baby who was born premie is very difficult too. But it isn't a fair argument to say I knew I was getting into, because he did too. They teach that in LEO training that divorce rates are much higher in that line of work. That's why I tried to be very up front about not taking most of the work if kids came along. He has been there long enough where he does have a choice in the time he works and they do change every 6 months but can stay on the same shift if they choose to. He may have 3 days off at a time when he works nights but lots of mandatory overtime comes with that too due to certain events. With my work, I have to work on his off days. It's either that, or I work a job that isn't flexible and see him even less.


We will figure this out. We have lots of love for each other, but are both stubborn to the bone.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your input! I do believe his happiness at work is important too, which is why right now we are trying the 50% days vs nights schedule. I'm hoping his rotation gets better eventually. Right now it is so soo hard to have a set schedule because they changed it a year ago and he starts work a different day every week and never has the same days ofd each week and usually works 5 weekends before getting 2 or 3 off. It's actually quite miserable for all the guys since they switched to that. Once we get a new sheriff in, that should improve the schedule rotation situation. We did talk about making sure we communicate on when we get time for just us each week because that does not happen often on the night shift since we don't have evenings together. He does watch our child at least one full day a week and then a few half days depending on my amount of work that week.


I think we just need to learn to listen to each other instead of being set in our ways. We can both improve ourselves and work together on our issues and it will happen!

View Quoted Comment Yes, I've really been working on explaining how much pressure is on my when I'm alone. Hence why I'm up so early with a baby who has a very hard time sleeping. That's probably where a lot of conflict comes in, being so tired all the time and feeling like I'm alone. Sleep deprivation changes a person and not in a good way.