Name change

Is your fiance willing to take your last name? That way, you still get to keep your name, and you both would have the same last name.

View Quoted Comment He’s very set on keeping his name and I change mine to his

It's your name, and honestly, this is a decision that he has no say in. It's just something he needs to get over. If he really wants you two to have the same last name, he can change his. I would try to explain your reasoning to him and hope he understands, but at the end of the day, the only person who gets to truly have an opinion on YOUR name is you.

This is a compromise that you guys will have to work on together. Is he open to you hyphenating and are you open to that?
Or maybe taking his name as middle name, and you keep your last name or you move your last name to middle name, and take his last name?

View Quoted Comment Ah, got it. If you don't want to change your name, you definitely don't need to! It's your decision, and only your decision. If you are open to having his name as part of your name, you could hyphenate, or use his last name as your middle name, or create a new last name that combines both of your names. Otherwise, if you want to keep your name, there's nothing wrong with that either (I'm also not planning on changing my name)! Let him know your decision, and don't let anyone force you to change your mind.

It’s pretty common for married female doctors to keep their maiden name because, as a friend told me “he didn’t get the Dr. I did!” But at the end of the day you have to find a compromise. Have you gotten to the core of why it bothers him so much?

View Quoted Comment I would turn that around on him then. Make him understand the way you feel about your last name is the same way he feels about his. Just like you wouldn’t dream of forcing him or guilting him into giving up his identity, he should not try to force or guilt you into giving up yours.

View Quoted Comment Exactly! And I know we all want to assume/hope for the best, but if for any reason the two of you were ever to separate in the future, you would then be stuck with his last name professionally!

View Quoted Comment Do you happen to know if I hyphenate weather or not I could just put my maidan name or even if you get to chose as a dr what name goes on your coat. This is petty and trivial but it’s my career and reputation I’m thinking of

You're the only one who gets to decide whether you change your last name. This is your name, not his name or your children's names. If he won't change his name to yours and he is dead set on you changing your name to his, go to premarital counseling to see what other trivial matters he's dead set on.


Is he going to go through the trouble of the bureacracy of name change? Is he the one who has to get used to being called a different name? Is he the one giving up a maiden name that he is sentimental about? Is he the one who's going to have to build a professional reputation with a new name, and possibly have to change the name back after divorce? No. He takes no risk, goes through no inconvenience whether you change your name or not. If he can't emphasize and understand the way you feel, then this isn't the man for you.
If a man is that stubborn about his wife to be changing her name to his, I honestly see that as a red flag. I don't say this lightly.
You could use his name socially and make no changes legally. You could hyphenate, but that's more of you giving him half of what he wants rather than an actual compromise.
I get that you want your FH to be happy, but there are some VERY FEW things where his opinion or "happiness" does not matter. This is one of them. The only thing that needs to change is your FH's attitude

View Quoted Comment I don’t know for sure, but I don’t think so as it wouldn’t be your legal name. It’s not petty or trivial at all!! It’s YOUR NAME! You should have majority say in what it is.

View Quoted Comment Actually love this. Thank you!!

You don't want to change your name so you shouldn't. He doesn't want to change his name so he shouldn't. Don't hyphenate if you don't want to, don't force him to hyphenate if he doesn't want to. He doesn't actually get a say in what happens with YOUR name so his feelings about the matter are irrelevant.

Agreed with Willow.

You can change your name socially to his if you would like to and leave your legal name as your own name.

You can generally choose the name under which you practice, and it isn't uncommon at all for women to have a hyphenated name and drop one part of the hyphen for their professional setting - Dr. Jane Doe-Smith on paper being Dr. Jane Doe in practice. However, your degree and professional licensing will be under your actual legal name, so if you hyphenate, that is what it will be. It's up to you if you are okay with that.

But at the end of the day, as others have said, what you do with your last name isn't his decision. He can express his desire for you to do this, but he can't be "dead set" on it. He isn't the one filing the paperwork. He isn't the one replacing his license and changing all of his transcripts.

View Quoted Comment

I don't think you should have to compromise about your own name, nor do I think you need to go out of your way to find a solution that will "keep him happy." But if your future spouse is so adamantly against any form of compromise or even considering other options for something as fundamental as your name, I would really worry how he will handle other issues that come up. You might want to consider couples counseling before your wedding.

View Quoted Comment

Agreed with this 100%.

I knew I wanted to keep my last name but wasn't sure how my then fiance would feel about it. When I brought it up he 100% supported me doing what I wanted because it was my name and therefore my decision if I wanted to change it at all. His only concern was what last name our kids would have, because he hates hyphenated names (for the record, pets get my last name, kids get his).

A man expecting his wife to take his last name is pretty outdated and sexist, to be honest. If a woman wants to take her husband's name, she should. If she wants to keep her name, she should. If its important to a couple to share the same name, then the couple needs to decide if one person takes the others name, you add, hyphenate, or somehow combine your names, or you create a new last name altogether. One person doesn't get more of a say or preferential treatment in the partnership just because of their biological sex or gender.

Also you are going to med school. You worked darn hard to establish a record for yourself with the name you already have. You should keep it if you want to.