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My mom treats my boyfriend like a son even though he’s not saint

Amanda, on September 21, 2021 at 1:54 AM Posted in Married Life 1 22
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Hi,I'm not a bride but I became a member of this site because I desperately need some opinions. This post is about my mom and how she acts towards her future son in law (my boyfriend). Sorry if this is long.
Let me begin by saying that I was married in the past but got divorced. I have noticed a pattern with my mom that I’m not sure if it’s normal. She makes my boyfriends feel welcomed in our family right from the beginning by being extra nice to them instead of taking her time to get to know them well. They don’t have to try hard to gain her trust.
My mom was close to my ex husband and then I started venting to her about my marriage problems because my ex became frugal and controlling with money. I had to ask him permission to buy anything even though I worked and helped with the rent and bills. He was so cheap that he did not turn the A/C during summer when it was super hot because he didn’t want the bill to be too expensive. Thank God I did not had children with him!My mom listened to me when I told her I was not happy and told me I could do so much better but still treated my ex super nice, as if whatever I told her was not a big deal.
Now I’ve been with a new guy for a while after my divorce and my mom is acting the same way again. I know I’m an adult and I don’t need my mommy defending me, but I feel like I can’t trust her as she seems to ignore my problems/concerns. She thinks my BF can do no wrong. I know it’s not healthy to tell my mom my relationship problems but I feel like I always end up with the wrong men. My mom contradicts herself. I told her my BF has taken advantage of me in some ways and that he constantly gets mad over petty things and she even said: “yeah, he sounds abusive”. Then another day she tells me that she really likes him and he’s a great guy. One time she complimented him as soon as she saw him telling him he’s in great shape when I’ve already told her previously he was a jerk sometimes. Why is she more concerned about his physical appearance instead of the person he really is and how he treats people?Also, my BF doesn’t want to get vaccinated from Covid. My mom says everyone who is not vaccinated is selfish and ignorant and she doesn’t want to be near them. When I told her my BF doesn’t care to get vaccinated she DEFENDED him saying: “oh but he doesn’t have to worry about it”. So everyone else is bad but my BF is a saint.
I have so many problems and feel uncomfortable venting with my mom. Even though I’ve opened up and told her he’s not 100% perfect, she still treats him like a son pretty much ignoring everything I say. I’m not saying that she has to be mean and treat him bad but she shouldn’t go out of her way to be nice. She always asks about him, asks me if he ate and wants me to take him food whenever I go to her house without him. It makes me feel like she’s a hypocrite when she acts like she supports me. Recently she told me we should plan something out for his birthday but little does she know that he didn’t took me out on my birthday or bought me anything.Is it unusual for a mother to go out of her way to be nice to her son in law? I'm going through a lot right now and I'm not sure if I should continue to vent with my mom because she might still think my boyfriend is fabulous after a while. Am I overreacting?

22 Comments

Latest activity by MIWM, on January 16, 2022 at 2:54 PM
  • Haley
    Dedicated October 2021
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    This is just an opinion from an outsider looking in, so please take this with a grain of salt, but I don’t understand the problem? I’m not understanding why you want your mother to not like the men you date and or plan to marry.
    With that being said relationships are not perfect. Sometimes you and your boyfriend will have problems and it’s okay to vent about them to your friends or your family, or in your case, your mom. But if your ultimate goal at the end of it is to see the people you’re venting to dislike your boyfriend I truly am having a hard time understanding why you are in a relationship with him.
    On another note, my mother is similar to yours. She has treated my FH like her own son over the phone before she even met him in person. She welcomed him with open arms and I am so grateful for the relationship that they now share 3 years later. That should be something you want for your spouse and your family. Unless your spouse is putting you in immediate danger and or distress I think your mother is being humane and actually a really good mother. As your mother it is her place to listen to you and give you advice but it is not her place to give opinions on your relationship and or ruin her relationship with your boyfriend just because you said he was being a “jerk”. I’d be thankful to have a mother like that. Some mothers are very over bearing and can make it very hard for their daughters or sons to be in a relationship and I think by what you’ve described she’s doing the best thing she can as a mother and is staying in her place as that.
    No, I don’t think you’re over sharing, because no questions asked are ignorant and or stupid and there is always an answer to somebody’s question but I do think you’re being a bit problematic and over the top.
    As I stated previously this is just an outsiders opinion based off what you’ve shared and I hope I helped to shed some light from a different perspective!
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  • Haley
    Dedicated October 2021
    Haley ·
    • Flag
    This thread is still on my mind & I would just like to say.. imagine if your boyfriend magically found this. Imagine how he would feel while he read this. Imagine how your mother would feel reading this.. I think what you said about you not ending up with the right men is correct. Obviously the 2 men you’ve described aren’t for you. & I think you’re looking for validation from your mother for feeling that way. And the simple fact is that she is not obligated to feel that way. And if I can give you any solid advice it is to leave this man and stop wasting your time and especially his. I don’t mean to invalidate your feelings here but this thread.. everything about it is so wrong. I couldn’t imagine feeling this way about my FH. I couldn’t imagine saying things like this about my mother and FH and then having to wonder how they would feel reading these things. You are your own person and if you think this isn’t the man for you then that should be enough but I don’t think the blame for you picking the wrong men should be placed onto your mother. You do not need a second or third opinion on who is right for you. When the time comes and the man comes along you will know. Just like all of us here on this app know. My heart hurts for your boyfriend and your mother right now and I truly hope you make the best decision for yourself and them.
    • Reply
  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
    • Flag
    Let me get this straight…you’re upset because she likes him and is nice to him but then you’re also also angry when she takes your side when you vent about something he does that you have a problem with? I’m confused. Also I’m not sure whether he is right for you or vice versa after reading this post. I would do some serious soul searching if I were you, maybe even some counseling for yourself. It’s not only about finding the right person…it’s also about Being the right person in order for a relationship to work.
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    If your boyfriend is showing the same potential abusive behaviors your ex had, you should see a counselor. Don’t rely on your mom to have an objective point of view because she isn’t an objective party. I feel like your mom is in a no win situation here. If she hated him or let your venting cloud her judgement of him, you’d probably be mad about that. Now you’re mad that she isn’t mad at him/hating him.
    • Reply
  • Cece
    Master November 2022
    Cece ·
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    This right here
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  • devotedlydavis
    Expert March 2022
    devotedlydavis ·
    • Flag

    Like the PP, I am confused as to what you are hoping to accomplish with this post.

    1. It sounds like your mom's behavior is completely NORMAL. You want a mother who makes your significant other feel welcome and includes them in the day to day. It would be weird/concerning if she acted any other way. Even if you vent to her about issues - those issues are between you and him.

    2. It doesn't sound like your ex or your current BF is right for you. If you are this disgruntled about his behavior, why are you with him? You shouldn't seek another person's validation for your choice in significant other - that is 100% on you as you live with them each and every day and build a life together.

    3. Like the PP said - it may be good to seek therapy. You cannot expect to be in a loving, supportive relationship if you aren't the best version of yourself. I'm not trying to say that you aren't there - I don't know you. But, I'm saying you should be 100% confident and able to support yourself before getting into a relationship with someone else. This then makes it a choice rather than a necessity which is a complete game changer - you should be a partner rather than dependent.

    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Master October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag

    First off, why are you even venting to your mom about your relationship problems? It seems like you are upset that she likes him - which most people want their parent to like their significant other. It's coming off as jealousy honestly. Like you're upset that she likes him too much that you are trying to find a reason for her not to like him. So you keep venting to her about problems that you are having with him so she doesn't like him. I feel like you are the one creating the problem here.

    • Reply
  • EGD
    Devoted September 2022
    EGD ·
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    I wholeheartedly agree with this. My mom's my best friend, so I complain to her a lot about everything in my life more recently my FH and wedding planning. Just on Sunday I expressed how frustrated I was with him, cause I mailed all our Save The Dates except his families cause he wants to hand deliver them but he's not working with me on actually getting them hand delivered and it's frustrating me. My mom let me vent, then voiced her opinion and it was over. Did I expect her to jump on my FH as he sat on the couch and berate him? Absolutely not. Did I expect her to just let me vent and give an opinion if she has one? Yes.

    I don't understand why you wouldn't want your mom to be cordial and welcoming to your boyfriend, she shouldn't be getting in the middle of any issues you two have, cause it's not her place to be regardless if you try shoving her there.

    FH's mom treats me HORRIBLY and he doesn't condone it, if he were to condone it or should I even say encourage it like you're trying to do, I 100% would leave him and his toxic mother.

    As an outsider, it honestly sounds like you don't like your boyfriend and you don't want anyone else to be nice to him because of it, so why are you with him?

    • Reply
  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
    • Flag
    Uhhhh….I think you have a boyfriend problem more than a mom problem. It seems like you are overreacting her her behavior instead of addressing the actual problem which is your boyfriend seems….unkind. Sounds like he is a big issue here. But if you keep bringing him around, your mom is going to keep being polite to him. It honestly sounds like she may be doing it for your benefit more than for his. You said she didn’t take the time to get to know him, so the niceties sound superficial. But as long as she thinks he is important in your life, she’ll remain nice to his face. This is a tactic plenty of friends/parents use to try to not alienate their actual loved one.
    My brother was in a terrible relationship for a while once. She was rude and manipulative and yet my parents always welcomed her into their home and were always kind to her. When they eventually split there was a universal sign of relief. I was young at the time and asked them if everyone hated her so much why no one ever said anything. It was multifold. Partly that his decisions are his to make, even if we think that they’re mistakes. Partly that even if we don’t like her, it seems like he does, so she may be a part of our lives so we should do our best to try to make the most of it. And mostly if he seems to like her and we definitely do not, we’d drive a wedge between him and us and that is what the worst case scenario is. So the goal is keep him close not push him away. So if that means being nice to his crappy partner , so be it. Worth grinning and bearing if it keeps him in the circle. And as long as he kept bringing her around, we had every reason to believe that he wanted her there and being nice to her was important.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation, I know it must be hard! I do find myself in total agreement with the PPs; it sounds like you really just want your Mom’s validation that he isn’t a good guy and you should leave him. I couldn’t fathom wanting my parents to dislike my FH — in fact, I was riddled with anxiety when it came time for them to meet, because I was so wrapped up in wanting everyone to love each other and get along! My Mom loves my FH like her own son, which means she can also see when he’s acting like a butt (as we ALL do from time to time!) and she still loves him, because he never steps into a zone of disrespect toward me, or anyone else. If words like “jerk” and “abusive” were being thrown around to describe my FH, I would think it’s time to take a step back and truly evaluate things. I’ll leave you with this: my prior relationship was not good. My parents were still cordial and loving toward my ex, and I had no idea how they truly felt until AFTER I came crying to them, saying I wanted out of the relationship. They said they knew the whole time he wasn’t right for me, but were so worried they’d lose me or push me away if they voiced how they felt about him. Do you think it’s possible your Mom feels this way about you? Maybe she’s worried about losing you or jeopardizing her relationship with you by becoming overly critical of your boyfriend? I have no idea what any of your relationships (from bf to Mom) are like, but I would at least urge you to take a step back and reassess things if you’re thinking about marrying someone that has been described as abusive.
    • Reply
  • Cool
    Super July 2020
    Cool ·
    • Flag
    Why are you even dating this guy? This is a boyfriend problem, not your mom.
    • Reply
  • A
    Amanda ·
    • Flag

    Thanks for your imput. It’s not that I don’t want my mom to like him, but I just want her to get to know him well before assuming that he’s a wonderful guy.

    Let’s put it this way. Let’s say you have a loved one that is very close to you. And some person that you’ve only known for a while was not being good to your friend and your friend was having a hard time because of such person. Would you be “best buddies” with this person or just act polite and civilized without going out of your way? That’s how I see it. Maybe I am jealous of my mom because I’m her daughter and she should be more concerned about me instead of becoming best friends with my boyfriend.

    One of the things I vent to my mom about is my BF’s son. My BF is a lot older than me and has a 21 year old son from a previous relationship. He brought his son one day to our apartment and asked me if he could stay for a few days because he had a problem with his mom. I barely knew his son when he brought him. Since my BF moved in with me and the lease is under my name, I told him I wasn’t allowed to have guests sleeping over because it’s a rule of my contract. He told me it was only going to be a few days until he found a place for him. Well, my BF let his son sleep over for over a month. I kept talking to him and telling him I could get in trouble. He NEVER listened and ignored me so that’s why I vented with my mom for the first time about him. I felt frustrated since he wouldn’t listen and explained her my situation. About a week later, the landlord spoke to me and warned me that I could get evicted if someone else was sleeping over at the apartment. The landlord knows my BF lives with me but he didn’t know that my BF was sneaking his son in the apartment. So it took that warning for my BF’s son to finally leave but guess what happened a few months after? My BF still kept bringing him and I was basically at risk of getting evicted at any time. My Mom knew the whole story because I told her. And what did she do? When she saw my BF a month after I told her this whole thing she tells him he looks in great shape and even says I’m lucky to have him! I felt somehow betrayed by her. I think that compliment was not necessary, especially after my BF almost got me evicted. I’m sure she can be polite without going overboard. And again, wanted me to bring him food because we went out to eat dinner that day without my boyfriend. Just my parents and I.

    So right now I want to escape from the relationship but I feel like I can’t count on my mom. I never wanted to tell my mom that he’s bad. It actually hurts me to have to tell her that I’m going through another heartbreak. I’ve already been through a lot. But she also kind of pushed me to introduce him to her instead of letting me get to know him well first. And now I feel bad because my mom liked him instantly but I can’t pretend that he’s always good when he’s not.

    • Reply
  • Melinda
    Expert March 2022
    Melinda ·
    • Flag

    Just because your mom is overly polite to him does not mean they are best friends. If you want out of the relationship then end it, the number one person you should rely on is yourself.
    Your mom won't always be around and I feel like you should learn to support yourself in most matters and take whatever support she can give as an added bonus.

    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah Online ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    What do you need to count on your mom for though? If you want out of the relationship, end the relationship. It’s as simple as that. While your mom might be nice to him because you’re in a relationship with him, that doesn’t mean she’ll continue to be nice about/to him if you break up. You don’t need your mom to tell you you should break up with him- you already feel like that’s what you should do.
    • Reply
  • Susan
    Devoted October 2021
    Susan ·
    • Flag

    I think, as previous posters have said, the issue is a boyfriend issue. You describe him as abusive and that he ignores your needs, and that he isn't respectful of your boundaries, and then you call him your mother's 'future son-in-law'.

    I think it's time to have a good, hard look at yourself and your pattern of relationships and decide if this type of behavior if something you are willing to live with the rest of your life. Otherwise, you need to decide that you're going to break up with this man and take your life back.

    Then bring someone home to your mom that's worth of both your love.

    • Reply
  • C
    Savvy April 2023
    Chelsea ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like you need your mom hate him so that in your mind you have permission to dump this man. We are giving you the permission. There's a reason you reached out here, you know it's not the right relationship for you. You just needed the push. If your mom hated him, it would help confirm how you feel inside, her being nice to him is making you feel like the bad guy. But you are an adult, it's ok to dump people even if they are the most wonderful person in the world.

    Sounds like your mom is really nice and has a lot of love to give, you're very lucky, look through these forums or watch like, any reality show, moms are not always gracious and accepting. But if you don't want her to extend her love to that guy, it's the GUY that's the problem not her.

    • Reply
  • Liz
    Beginner November 2021
    Liz ·
    • Flag
    Queen… you do not need anyone’s validation or opinion to PRIORITIZE YOURSELF.
    Your mom, by the sound of it, is just trying to be supportive of you. She allows you to vent, but i’m sure she sees you’re still in a committed relationship and doesn’t want to disrespect your decision. Plus, what would she say? Would you want her to ignore him when he comes around? I understand how compliments may make you feel some type of way, but maybe that has more to do with how you feel about HIM, not your mom…
    I hope you listen to all the PPs, since we’re all pretty much saying the same thing //:
    • Reply
  • B
    Savvy February 2022
    Brooke ·
    • Flag
    It honestly sounds like your mom is supportive. She knows she can’t control who you ultimately end up with and doesn’t try to. She validates your feelings towards your partner regardless of what they are, good or bad, she doesn’t make ultimatums or corner you when you vent to her, regardless of what you tell her if you decide to stay with somebody, she is kind and supports your choice. No matter what you decide to do, she’s there for you. I guess I struggle to see the issue.
    • Reply
  • B
    Savvy February 2022
    Brooke ·
    • Flag
    In addition to what I said, regardless of her personal beliefs and predispositions, she’s willing to make room for whoever you love. Which is not a luxury my fiancé and I have unfortunately. Count your blessings for sure ❤️
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Lisa ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Maybe you need validation that your mom has your back no matter what. Maybe past issues with whatever have affected your ability to trust and as an adult you may feel a sense of instability and so, in a sense, are seeking out a trustworthy anchor. Let me know if I'm close.Also, honesty is great, but I feel that all of the responses so far have put you on the chopping block without acknowledging the fact that your mom shouldn't take it upon herself to ask if you took him food? Really? Or plan his party? That is out of line unless you asked her to help, and that should be by your invite for her to help. For real. By you complaining to her and she's mom, no matter true or false, she should be on your side. Blood is thicker than water, so to speak.
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