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CountryBride
Dedicated May 2019

Married and Intimacy issues......loong

CountryBride, on July 15, 2019 at 10:52 AM Posted in Married Life 3 13
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We have been married about 2 months, been together for 9 years. We have struggled with intimacy issues during the whole relationship. I guess I am really the one with intimacy issues. I don’t really like or have an interest in sex and when I do I am usually drinking. I have struggled with intimacy issues in my past relationships as well. My first boyfriend I think contributes a lot to my issues. That was a mentally abusive relationship. He expected sex every time we were together. We did not live together but we saw each other every night. If I didn’t have sex with him he would send me home so I gave him what he wanted. Even when I had my period. I was in that relationship for 4 years and the guy cheated on me after 1 year. I went back for 3 more years. I felt I couldn’t do any better so I stayed and did what I was told.

After that relationship ended, I was not interested in sex at all. I did start dating right away but I was in more control on when to have sex. I was able to say no. In the next 7 or so years after my first abusive relationship ended I met my future husband.

In the beginning, our sex drive was good. I was approaching him a lot for sex for the first 2 months we were together. I have problems with stress and that causes me to shut down. Well I started having some major stressful events happen….new job….job was horrible….was trying to get out of horrible job. So that was when he experienced the low to no sex drive from me for the first time. It was like a switch that happened. Of course, he was not happy and we had many fights about it. He has a VERY high sex drive. We got over that hurtle for the moment when I got a new job but it seemed to continue to happen when something in my life was too stressful. I know for some people sex is a stress relief…..IT IS NOT FOR ME!

I have gone to therapists multiple times to deal with my stress management and intimacy issues. We have also gone to couples counseling. It would get better for a little while then would be bad again. It is like a rollercoaster. I have made so many promises to my husband about sex. We tried scheduling it…that would work for a little while but then I would focus on that the entire day trying to get myself ready and in the mood but it would cause anxiety. We tried me having a glass of wine before but could never be just one glass and then I would get drunk to the point of being sick and hung over the next day (the sex when I am drunk tho my husband loves but I don’t remember it well). We then decided on 3 times a week for sex…..his number not mine. I am so not into sex that if I have it once a month I am good but I know that is not fair to him. So 3 times a week it was. And we said that I would approach him twice for sex and he would approach me the 3rd. This was to somehow help with issues but it only caused A LOT more anxiety bc as I have said I don’t want sex that much and it is hard to start the process of something I don’t want. Well we did ok for a little while and just like before it was a roller coaster. It actually got worse than any other times bc he was tallying up all missed times during the week and adding them to the next week and would mark it on the calendar. At one point I was up to 60 or so missed times that he said I owed him on top of the regular 3 times a week. This was about 3 years ago before we got engaged. I was just about ready to leave him bc I thought we were never going to move to marriage but he proposed in 2018.

After the proposal again we had a high moment in our intimacy but as always stress set in and it decreased drastically. We had many fights that year. I told him as much as he wants me to be at the sexual level he is at I will never get there. This is something that is not going to change after we get married. We have gone 8 years with the issue and the rollercoaster. You can’t change someone. I am trying to be better but I told him he has to understand that is most likely never going to be at the level he would like and I asked him if he could accept that. I flat out said if he couldn’t then we shouldn’t be married. I was the one having the tough talks and making sure we were ready for marriage. I didn’t even want to start planning until we understood each other and that there is not going to be much change after marriage. What you see is what you get. There are things about him I wish would change but I accept that he most likely won’t and I am not going to try to change him.

Well the planning of the wedding was very stressful and not fun at all. I lost about 30 lbs from all the stress in a matter of 6 months. My desire for sex was nonexistent. We still had fights about this but for the most part he didn’t push during the wedding planning.

Now the wedding planning is over and the wedding is done but our sex life is still a roller coaster. I find myself even less interested in sex. I know sex is part of being in a relationship and has to take place. I average about 1 time a week currently and that is fine with me. My husband was doing ok at first but we had a huge blow up fight last night where he brought up all the promises I made and said he should be able to break the promises he made to me. I honestly don’t know what promises he is talking about besides to not cheat.

I don’t know what to do. I thought about going back to therapy but it didn’t really work before or would only work for a little while. I know he is not interested in going to couples therapy again. I even tried taking a new medication which is basically the female Viagra. I took it for about 3 months and did not see a difference. I also had some major side effects from it.

When I say my husband has a high sex drive I mean very high. He would have sex 3 times a day or more if he could. He subscribed to the playboy channel a while ago and he puts it on every single day when I am not home or I go up to bed. I know bc he either turns off the tv with that channel on or when you push the back button on the remote it goes to that channel. He has had it on to go to sleep at night too. Not when I am in the room thankfully but every chance he gets he puts it on. I can understand why he watches porn so much now bc he is not getting much from me but he has always watched a lot of porn. Even when we had a good sex life he still would watch it when I was not around. I don’t think it is an addiction bc it does not interrupt his life. He is very active and works out in the yard and garage a lot. It’s just mainly when I am not home, go to bed before him, etc. Also just recently he didn’t like the playboy channel and wanted another channel. He actually researched for a better channel and changed it. It is $35 a month for this channel. I do not pay for it. That’s his responsibility. I don’t watch that channel.

I guess I could say I am a bit turned off with the watching on porn. Even if I was in the mood to have sex and would go to bed to get ready he would take a while coming to bed so I would go down to see what was taking so long and I can tell he was just watching porn bc he has that nervous deer caught in headlights look, changes the channel quickly and repositions himself due to the erection. Now in his defense he does not know when sex is going to happen. It is unpredictable so I understand why when I leave the room he watches porn to get a release. I just lose all interest in having sex with him after I know he has just watched porn. It feels like he has to watch porn to get in the mood for me….I know that is not the case but that is what my mind tells me. There is also no romance in it. He asks when we are going to have sex again or he calls it playtime. Sometimes he will tell me his balls really hurt so something needs to happen. I get very mad at that comment. That is an easy fix if you are in pain. If I knew how to relieve some of my pains I would do ASAP.

So sorry this is a long post. I’m just looking for some advice and see if any other women feel the way I do. I keep telling my husband that I am not the only woman who has these issues and that sex is NOT a stress relief. He keeps telling me that is not true.



13 Comments

Latest activity by Sara, on July 22, 2019 at 11:48 AM
  • Kelly
    VIP October 2020
    Kelly ·
    • Flag
    You are in an abusive relationship. The tallying up? Making it up? This man does not love you. Forcing you to have sex when you don't want it is rape. Getting drunk to do it rape.
    You are being raped and abused. You should consider seeing about a divorce. A man who loves you will not hold it against you.
    And he does have an addiction, if he masturbated less his sex drive would adjust and you both would reach equilibrium. This masterbation addiction is ruining your relationship and he can't control himself over it, it's classic addiction behavior. He's blaming you because he has a problem he doesn't want to fix. Your husband is a disgusting person who needs serious help beyond the bedroom.
    It's been nearly a decade and it hasn't changed, it will never change because he's not going to take responsibility for his own failures. Addicts do this. They abuse and manipulate everyone around them to avoid changing themselves.
    And last but not least trying to force yourself into the mood will eventually damage your genitals and risk incontinence, you're risking a lot of health risks both physically and mentally for this man and you shouldn't have to. This is an unsafe environment and you should leave.
    • Reply
  • Jessica
    VIP June 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    Your relationship is a little more "over the top" (for lack of better words) then mine is. I agree with PP about your relationship, this is not ok. I have a very low sex drive also. We were good in the beginning of our relationship, when we were teens, but now I don't ever think about it and am good with just doing it one or twice a month. FH would rather it be a few times a week. Although he gets there "something wrong with me" (again for lack of words) and wants me to continue my appointments with my Dr. to figure out a solution. We do argue about it and he gets upset and so do I but we both know that this is something that cannot be forced and will, hopefully, get better over time. He still loves me and wants to marry me, he accepts what I am going through, even though its hard on him but we are in it together and he still wants to marry me.

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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
    • Flag
    Ok, this seems like HE is the one with a problem, not you. This is a classic example of gaslighting... he is doing something wrong, and making you feel like YOURE the one with the problem!

    Some people have a low sex drive. Some people have no sex drive at all. Those things are normal. You shouldn’t be pressured into feeling differently than you do. That being said, I am not sure your issue is a biological “low sex drive”..... it just seems like there is SO much stress around sex for you, in your past relationships AND IN YOUR CURRENT ONE. I wouldn’t want sex either if there was this much obligation and guilt placed on me about it!

    The biggest red flag I saw here was him keeping track of how much sex you “owe” him when you didn’t stick to his arbitrary number of 3 times per week?? 3 times per week is insane. I don’t know ANYONE who has sex that often... especially someone who admittedly has a low desire for it. That is not a “compromise,” and it’s completely appalling that he would keep track of what you “owe” him when you didn’t live up to that unrealistic expectation.

    I know you think you’re the one with the problem. Seems like he’s done a great job of convincing you of that. But to me it seems more like he is the one with the problems: sex addiction, manipulation, pressuring you into doing what he wants, guilting you for not giving it to him, and then gaslighting you into thinking YOURE the one who has the problem.

    I know you said you tried therapy, but has he??
    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    I agree with PPs. This isn’t okay. Your husband is physically and mentally abusive and I think your best bet is to find your way out of this marriage.
    • Reply
  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
    • Flag
    I agree with PPs. The first few sentences I read about your husband made me think this is another abusive relationship for you. Tallying them up and then holding your missed encounters against you? That is so sad. Making you initiate more than him. Again, so sad. I feel very heartbroken for you. Sex is apart of most relationships but it shouldn't be used against you. It sounds like you have tried a lot to make this relationship work. He has issues. Very serious issues. I hope you move on. I'm so sorry you're in this position.
    • Reply
  • EmAbrams
    Devoted August 2019
    EmAbrams ·
    • Flag

    My heart hurts for you. I agree with all the PP's. I have been in abusive relationships and yours has all the red flags. He is definitely gaslighting you and in my personal opinion Pornography destroys marriages. It is NOT OKAY. Again that was my own personal opinion and belief, but He has an addiction and he is not treating you in a loving manner. I am so so sorry but I would find your way to a safe place.

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  • Jessica
    Rockstar September 2020
    Jessica ·
    • Flag
    I agree with PPs as well. We both have a high sex drive, so about 4+ times a week is average for us, but sometimes we do go a week or so without for various reasons including stress. However, if one of us says no, the other never makes them feel guilty about it. In fact one of the promises we made to each other (not about sex, but in general) is to never keep score. It’s unhealthy to focus on things your partner “owes” you, and as far as the ‘you’ve broken a promise I should get to break mine’- that’s utter bs. It’s going to be difficult, but for your physical and mental health I believe you need to leave him. Your issues with intimacy will never get better when it is held over you, sex should never be a bargaining chip, you should never have to give anyone sex in order to feel like they love you and care about you, sex should not cause stress and should never be coerced. I do think you should continue therapy for yourself and to help you make sure you have overcome the trauma you have been through. It’s not about “improving” your sex drive or even getting over intimacy issues so you will be more willing to have sex, it’s about forgiving yourself so you can move forward and not bring the past along with you. I know it’s hard to walk away after several years, but you truly deserve to be happy. You know his behavior won’t change, will you ever be truly happy in this marriage? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    Hun, your husband has serious issues. It's true men masturbate regardless of relationship status but he is watching pornography daily. This is not the norm.
    You shouldn't have to have sex just because the other person wants it. Forcing you to agree to it is wrong. At that point it's not consensual.
    His insisting on sex is only making matters worse.
    I, myself, have low sex drive. My SO and I have had several discussions about it in the past. Sex is one part of a healthy relationship but as a whole it isn't a focal point for us. We do have it, just not a lot. We bond in so many other ways and have non-physical intimacy, if that makes sense.
    I suggest you talk to a therapist. Be honest about your home life. Your husband doesn't seem to care very much about your well-being. He treats you poorly, is not abusively, when it comes down to it.
    • Reply
  • D
    Super July 2020
    D ·
    • Flag
    *if not abusively
    • Reply
  • Sara
    Expert October 2020
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    I am really sorry you have to go through this. My post is super long and contains a lot of personal information about sex so you are all warned.


    Sexual compatibility is a huge part of anyone's relationship and it seems like you both are just not compatible. Yes some things sound abusive, but when people get frustrated they sometimes do things out of the ordinary and I have a hard time jumping to say someone is abusive especially only hearing a little bit over the internet. I'm not saying his behavior is an excuse to act anyway, but I can see the frustration on both ends. It seems like you both are making sacrifices and honestly it is not fair to either person.


    I don't want to say get a divorce, but if you had posted this issue/question before you were married I would 100% say leave the relationship. I feel like giving advice like get a divorce is tough for me because I am a complete stranger. What I will say is I think this is a very good reason to end the relationship. I was married before. We were not sexually compatible and it is one of the top reasons I ended the relationship. I am so much better off having ended the relationship. I think you would be able to find a partner you are sexually compatible with and you would be happy.


    I will try and give some other advice and suggestions and I hope I do not hurt your feelings/make you feel bad I am more just trying to think of ways you can view sex differently and possibly give you other options-

    Have you had your hormones and thyroid checked? If you feel like you have a low sex drive you may have some imbalance that needs to be checked out. This is for your health not just for sex and for you husband, but for you.

    I really like sex. Mostly I like sex because it makes me feel powerful and strong and in control. I understand from your post this is not the case for you, but maybe you can start viewing it as a way to gain power.

    I really like watching porn. There I said it out loud. I like pornhub and I like to watch homemade porn not the fake stuff. Watching porn has helped me feel confident and comfortable. It has helped me learn what I like, what I might like, and what I for sure do not like. I like to watch porn with FH. I like to pick out stuff to watch and I like for him to pick out stuff to watch. It helps the both of us know what we like. Honestly it seems like maybe your husband needs to take a break from porn. Maybe you can try and watch some stuff on your own and if you like it you can set up a game that he can only watch it with you. I don't want to push having you watch porn, but I think it could help. There is soooo much out there you have to really give it a shot, but it can be fun. Personally I like to watch homemade masturbation porn both male and female. (I'm really sorry if it is too much information, but i am really open about sex and think more people should be)

    I like to masturbate alone and together. Sometimes I just want to get myself off. Nothing against FH, I just know what I like and how I want it and I want to do it myself. Sometimes when we masturbate together we are not allowed to touch each other, we just lay next to each other and masturbate. I like to watch him because I feel like I know a little better what he likes and I like him to watch me for the same reason. Sometimes we start only touching ourselves and end up touching each other . Sometimes he is only allowed to touch me above the waste, sometimes I am only allowed to kiss him. Sometimes it leads to sex and sometimes we just cum and its over. This might be a way to slowly start building intimacy. I always tell him if I don't like something. I don't say "I don't like that" in the middle of it, but I will re-direct him to something I do like and afterwards I will let him know, sometimes I have to remind him that I don't like something.

    You said getting in the mood is sometimes an issue for the both of you. Figure out what gets you in the mood and talk to him about it! Do you want a backrub, do you want to dance together, do you want to wear something sexy, maybe you want him to say certain things or in a certain way. Sometimes when FH does the dishes I just feel so happy I want to jump all over him. I am not one for scheduling sex. To me this is a mood killer. You feel like you are under the gun and have pressure to preform. Saying my balls hurt would be a mood killer. Tell him that, but not in a judgmental way. When you discuss these things make sure you try and use "I statement" not "you statement". "I feel turned off and hurt when you say your balls hurt. Maybe you can try doing XYZ instead?" If you think you might like something, give it a shot. It doesn't hurt to try, but make sure you are both respectful of what you like and don't like.

    Try and go to bed together. I know this is hard. This was very difficult for us, but it helped sooo much. Sometimes he will come to bed and lay and cuddle with me then get up and continue doing what he needs to do. It just feels good to me that we go to bed at the same time and it helps make sex happen a little more fluidly.

    Sex does not need to happen solely at bedtime. I have found that some weeks right after work actually works a little better for us.

    Rachel Hollis wrote a book, Girl, Stop Apologizing. In it she talks about intimacy with her husband. It was an issue for them so they picked a month and they had sex EVERYDAY! Yes EVERY-single-DAY for an entire month. She said it was hard, but it was so rewarding to the both of them and made them both appreciate each other and understand each other. Read or listen to the book. It will change your life in more way then sex.


    Maybe you just are not into sex and that is OK, but it is not fair to you or him to stay in a relationship where you both feel like crap because you can't make the other person happy. It might be taboo, but have you considered an "open relationship"? If you love everything else about him, but just aren't into sex, maybe he can get that from someone else. Do some research and seek some advice before you suggest it. Make sure you are 100% ok with the idea before you bring it up. Set ground rules that work with the both of you. I personally would not be ok with this, but every relationship is different and it is OK if you both decide that is something you want to try.


    Last thing- Go back to therapy. You might have to see 100 different therapist until you find the one that you like, but once you find that person you will gain somethings from it. I am in therapy. I have been in therapy for a while. I have seen a few different therapist. Some I knew right away where not good for me some I saw for months before I figured out we weren't meshing. Take care of yourself, you deserve it!


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  • Jo
    WeddingWire Administrator May 2015
    Jo ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry, CountryBride. I know you said before that your counseling didn't really help, but have you tried finding a different counselor? Sometimes it takes time and a few tries to find the right therapist for you and your situation. I hope you might consider trying someone new because you deserve a lot of love and support and comfort. And think hard about what in your situation YOU think are the problems, and not just what you're being told what the problems are.

    I'll be thinking of you.

    • Reply
  • Emly
    Expert June 2020
    Emly ·
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    This comment was so very helpful, thank you for being so open! I don't struggle with this to the extent the OP does but I do find my sex drive lacking at points. Your comment just kind of opened my eyes in a way I cant really explain but gave me a little more confidence to maybe try something new lol But thank you!

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  • Sara
    Expert October 2020
    Sara ·
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    Your welcome, I am glad it helped even just a little. I know sex is such a hush hush topic, but I truly feel it shouldn't be. Nobody should struggle in silence. We all have things to learn and teach others. Good luck and just try and stay positive and open. :-)
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