Married 4 months and having problems...long and tmi (NSFW)

The problem is not "porn addiction," which probably isn't even real:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too

The issue is that you two have very different sex drives. That's not blaming you or him, but just recognizing that people's sex drives vary widely. It's hard, but not necessarily impossible, to overcome. One thought is that if you like sex when you're drunk, but not when you're sober, that may indicate that you don't actually have a lower sex drive, but just more inhibitions. You may want to consider therapy for that.

Also, you could get a medical checkup. Sometimes a low sex drive is due to medical issues that can be treated.

However, not all disparities in sex drive can be "fixed." At that point, you might think of other alternatives. For example, if he doesn't like to masturbate on his own, you could consider giving him hand jobs, or at least holding him while he masturbates, some of the time, instead of full sex.

And it's not a popular option around here, but would you be willing to allow him to have another sexual partner? It's not ideal. But if you are getting resentful of his demands, and he is getting resentful of your unwillingness, it could save your marriage.

One, let me say, I am sorry you’re going through this. Sex and intimacy should be something you both love doing. When demands get put on it, like you mentioned, it does start to feel like a job or a task you have to do. Have you ever enjoyed having sex in general?Are you able to satisfy yourself or even have the urge to satisfy yourself? If not, maybe your hormones are slightly off-balance, because that can definitely play a role in your sex drive. If you’ve had great sex in the past, maybe with a different partner, then maybe your husband just isn’t doing it the way you like. If so, try and talk about your needs. Maybe you trade off, have sex your way and then another night his way. I’m just spit balling here as I don’t know you both personally. To me it sounds like you both have some things to work on. It does sound like he has a little bit of a porn addiction. While I don’t think porn is necessarily bad, I’ve been known to watch it myself every now and then. But every day all day is a little excessive. When he approaches you for sex, is it all about him? Does he make you feel loved and Desired or is it all about his satisfaction? I think once it becomes a big issue, it’s hard to get over that hurdle and get back to something that’s easy going and enjoyed by both. I’ve been with my future husband for 13 years now and it hasn’t always been the easiest when it comes to intimacy either. I feel my situation was the opposite however as I seemed to want it more than he did for a long time. But me being a girl, I didn’t really push the issue as it made me feel insecure and not desired. We even went through a period to where we only had sex maybe a handful of times in a year. It was around when I got pregnant and then the following year after. However since then we have had the best sex life of our whole relationship. We have kind of been breaking out of our shells and trying new things. We don’t discuss it before hand or have any sort of conversation about it it’s just flowing that way. So I do believe there is hope at the end for you, you guys just need to figure out a different way to go about it and work on yourselves as individuals. I hope this helps or at least gives you different viewpoints.

Listen, this is a sensitive subject and if you get any answers it might be hard to hear. Personally, I'm wondering if you're 100% sure you are in to men exclusively? If you know FOR SURE you are, then scratch that idea off. Also, once a week is actually considered healthy and normal for busy adults. It's rare for someone to not enjoy sex at all unless there is a reason. History of abuse, not really being in to men, partner not being a compatible lover, medical issues (physical or psychological) , etc.

Also, he cannot institute a 3 time a week rule if you don't want it. That's not how marriage works. Porn is a common addiction. It 100% is real. You can become addicted to anything that causes heightened sensation, adrenaline, or the release of certain chemicals.

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Two issues with that: First, EEG studies indicate that porn simply does not produce the brain changes that addictions do:

https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/sex-addiction-study-ucla-researchers-find-that-sex-and-porn-might-not-actually-be-addictive.html

Second, to the extent that high exposure to porn produces changes people, it tends to reduce sex drive, which ought to make her problem better, not worse. The big complaint people have about it is, "He spends all his time watching porn, instead of wanting sex with me." But in this case, the last thing she wants is for him to watch less porn and want more sex with her.

I would agree that he can't unilaterally institute a rule of a certain number of times per week. But it sounds like they desperately need some kind of compromise between her needs and his.

View Quoted Comment Agree to disagree. I studied the topic briefly in college and you can find articles that argue either point with scientific data. So please stop trying to correct people and focus on helping her.

I 100% agree that you might need to go back to therapy with him to find the reason as to why you don't enjoy sex. But keep in mind once a week is nothing to be ashamed about, it's fairly common. I don't know him but it sounds in your post like he's not exactly a compatible lover for you. Does he try to find things you like more, or is he just going straight for what he wants?

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I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, as well as your advice. I can def say I have ALOT of inhibitions. I have tried numerous years in therapy and different medications. Got my checkup and all levels are normal. I do have a some stomach issues daily....borderline IBS which stress also is a factor so a lot of the time I am not feeling well or even clean/attractive after being in the bathroom for so long with my issue. Medication only helps to point.

In regards to the other suggestion of marturbation, when I say I am not interested in sex its all aspects of sex. I know I can do other things to satisfy him but I am not comfortable with it. I know that is being closed minded but I have tried with therapy to improve. I have had some sexual abuse in my past (my BF at the time demanded sex everyday no matter what, even if I was on my period he would just use the back area) I was young and naïve and didn't want to lose him. Didn't think could do any better. He would also watch a lot of porn to the point that he would be watching porn on the tv while having sex with me but not even look at me....just the tv. He also was cheated on me 6 months after we started dating and i stupidly stayed for 4 yrs. So this could contribute to my sex issues and I don't know how to fix. Like I said been in therapy for a while and is not getting better.

And having another sexual partner is def out for an option. Not into open marriages. I do appreciate your time and advise.

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Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I do not recall ever really enjoying sex. I am a relative shy person....unless I am drunk, but I usually don't remember much of the night and am sooooo hung over. In regards to my H doing what I like, when I am not drunk I can not openly tell him what I like or want...I am that shy....always have been. My H does try to ask what I like and I am in the mind set of lets just get it done. I like it when it is quick...again unless I am drunk. And to be honest I am not that adventurous. I like it when its in bed at night with the lights off. Don't like oral either....giving or receiving. Just have this thing of your head should not be down there unless you are catching a baby. I am extremely close minded I guess. I have gone to so many therapist and for so long to help with this but no progress. I did experience a bit of sexual abuse in a past relationship. BF demanded sex everyday no matter what, even on my period he would just to the back door. He also would watch porn while we had sex but not look at me. And he started to cheat after 6 months and I stayed with him for 4 yrs. I was young and naïve and didn't think I could do any better. I know that has a lot to do with my issues and its unfortunate my H has to deal with the consequences of that. But at least I am standing up for myself sort of and refusing when I don't want to have sex for the most part but that is what causes the anger and resentment.

My H is also doing new things that I am not really liking and it is concerning me. My mind goes to either he is cheating (which I doubt but you how we think esp when been cheated on before) or he is learning it from all the porn he is watching. I know sex can get boring and you need to spice it up. For me the issue is not that it is boring it is that I have no desire for it.

Unfortunately, it sounds like this has been a problem for a while and something that should have been resolved before you got married to him. I personally don't have this problem. In fact, I have a rather high sex drive so 3 times a week wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different. I would have a problem with my husband watching porn that often, but I would also have a problem with my husband not wanting to have sex. It sounds like your past is causing you to shy away from intimacy and is now effecting you presently. You said you are in counseling and that isn't working so I am not sure what to suggest. I don't think getting married was necessarily the best idea because intimacy is a huge part of a relationship and you guys seem to have vastly different desires.

View Quoted Comment So definitely a psychological issue there, understandably so. Have you had hormones checked or talked to a doctor?

There are so many areas that could be a problem. Could be all mental, could be a nerve stimulus issue, etc.

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Thank you for your time and response. I am 100% sure I am into men. I have a history of sexual abuse. BF demanded sex everyday no matter what, even on my period he would just go to the back door. He also would watch porn while we had sex but not look at me. And he started to cheat after 6 months and I stayed with him for 4 yrs. I was young and naïve and didn't think I could do any better. Now this was over 14 yrs ago or so but it still effects me. I just don't know what to do. DO I talk to him about the porn watching? I know that is going to be a fight and he is going to say that if he got more sex he wouldn't watch as much porn but I don't believe that either. When we got engaged we were having more sex bc we both were so happy that we got engaged FINALLY. I also noticed his porn watching increase too. He started scheduling and recording certain movies he liked on our DVR. I did approach him about it and he said he was recording them for us to watch together....except I rarely ever want to watch porn....again sometimes when I am plastered drunk. But that really upset me and concerned me. And it has only gotten worse. He does do it in secret....so he thinks and he doesn't put it on when I'm in the room and also doesn't suggest we watch it. But it is really upsetting me and turning me off.

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No issues with my hormones. Been checked. Even tried to take the female Viagra (Addyi) did not work and made me very dizzy and sick.

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I tried to resolve this issue before we got married. We almost called off the wedding a couple of times. I was the one who brought it up and didn't want to book anything until I felt comfortable we got our issues in check. Don't know if he just pretended to be ok with it for the time. There is that old saying that once you get married there is no more sex. Getting married I didn't think was going to change my sex drive and I told him that I hope it increase or gets better but if not I asked if he could live with at the least 1 time a week. He seemed to be ok at the time but not now. Sex is a stress relief for him. For me it is a stressor.

We fight about intimacy almost every month. I am not happy and feel stressed and I know he is frustrated. I just don't know what to do and this porn watching is just a complete turn off. I want to cancel the channel but that will be another fight.

If your biggest question is if you should talk to him, ya, I would. I've found that talking about anything that bothers you, even if it seems small, helps your partner to understand but also helps you to hear your own complaints. I've mentioned things to my fiancé that I realized half way through talking about that the real reason I was upset wasn't what I thought. It's healthy to communicate.

Have you considered switching your mental health doctor? Maybe another doctor can provide alternative tips or guidance. Or maybe its a specialist you should be seeing. This area of your relationship will always bring tension.

Have you two looked in to a sex therapist? They are very different than a normal therapist. It sounds like he could benefit from it, too

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Have switched doctors a few time when I felt I wasn't making progress. Even went to a sex therapist with him for 1 yr. I don't think he is willing to go again

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We did go to a sex therapist for 1 yr before we were even engaged. Tried many different things. They suggested:

- fake it to you make it

- schedule sex days

- have a drink before ( that didn't work bc I needed to have a lot to relax - even tried to have sex before the therapy session. I downed 2 glasses of wine in half hour and nothing.

- smoke weed to relax - that was out - never did drugs

Nothing worked.