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CountryBride
Dedicated May 2019

Married 4 months and having problems...long and tmi (NSFW)

CountryBride, on October 3, 2019 at 11:55 AM Posted in Married Life 1 36
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Not sure if I am posting in the right forum and think I have posted before.....still in need of advice. H and I have been married for about 4 months (May 17, 2019), however been together for 9 years. Our relationship has always been kind of a roller coaster. Our biggest thing we argue about currently is intimacy....and money but the intimacy is the bigger issue. I have never really had a regular sex drive. It is either barely there or not there. Stress def gets the best of me and causing sex to be the very last thing on my mind. I also think its because I don't always enjoy it but I can be a really good actor. I know being in a relationship sex has to happen. So in order to keep my H happy I try to do my best. We average to about 1 - 2 times a week (sometimes 0) He would like it to be 3 times a week. We have had many arguments about his topic. We have gone to therapy for a while. We tried making a schedule. I don't feel like having sex for the most part....don't desire it unless I am drinking. That seems to be the only time I want it and sort of enjoy it but then I am hung over the next day. H loves the sex when I am drinking. But that cant be the only way to have sex.

This issue has been going on since we met. If I have a lot of stress in my life , sex is not a stress relief but another job/task that needs to be done. H has gone from being patient to frustrated to patient to extremely frustrated. He has a VERY high sex drive.

So the current issue is I have ZERO desire. I am stressed to the max working 2 very stressful jobs. All I want to do when I get home is go to bed. He has suggested/instituted the schedule sex again starting this week. 3 times a week set for Monday, Wednesday, and Fri/Sat. I am exhausted just thinking about it. I work 8am-730pm every night and work Saturday from 8am - 3 pm. I want to be a good wife but the more we talk about sex the more it turns me off.

Also I think he has a porn addiction. We have the porn channel on our cable service (he wanted it) and seems like every chance he gets he is watching it. He doesn't watch it with me in the room however and I am not really into watching it unless I am the drunk frisky mood and that doesn't happen alot. I believe he is watching it on his lunch break from work (we live 5mins from work), after work when I am not home yet, and after I have gone up to bed. I also think he watches it in the middle of the night when he takes the dogs out when they wake him up. I believe my theory to be correct bc when I push the last button on the remote that is the channel it goes to and sometimes when I come home from work the tv is either muted or at a whisper...same as when I go up to bed and come down to see when he is coming to bed after about an hour of being in bed by myself.

Knowing he is watching porn so much is a HUGE turn off. Also when its been awhile since we had sex he will say his balls hurt bc he is so backed up. I get very upset with this bc if I had pain and know I can fix it by doing something (masturbate) I would do it in a second. I don't get why he is watching so much porn and not masturbating. Wouldn't that cause more pain and frustration? Maybe its different in guys....but still why watch soooooo much.

I want to talk to him about it and how it makes me feel but don't know how. He originally wanted the porn channel bc of us not having sex. It was supposed to be his back up for when I am sick or on my period but he is watching everyday. I don't feel like having sex with him knowing he just watched porn for however amount of time. I do not look like those girls and I certainly don't act like them. I cant promise him that if he watches less porn we will have sex more. I am already struggling with 1 - 2 times a week and now have to do 3.

Anyone else having similar issues? Anyone else have issues with their SO porn watching? Any advice would be appreciated. Please ask any follow up questions. There is more detail into this but already thought this post was long.

36 Comments

Latest activity by Pirate & 60s Bride, on October 4, 2019 at 11:40 PM
  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    The problem is not "porn addiction," which probably isn't even real:

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201808/science-stopped-believing-in-porn-addiction-you-should-too

    The issue is that you two have very different sex drives. That's not blaming you or him, but just recognizing that people's sex drives vary widely. It's hard, but not necessarily impossible, to overcome. One thought is that if you like sex when you're drunk, but not when you're sober, that may indicate that you don't actually have a lower sex drive, but just more inhibitions. You may want to consider therapy for that.

    Also, you could get a medical checkup. Sometimes a low sex drive is due to medical issues that can be treated.

    However, not all disparities in sex drive can be "fixed." At that point, you might think of other alternatives. For example, if he doesn't like to masturbate on his own, you could consider giving him hand jobs, or at least holding him while he masturbates, some of the time, instead of full sex.

    And it's not a popular option around here, but would you be willing to allow him to have another sexual partner? It's not ideal. But if you are getting resentful of his demands, and he is getting resentful of your unwillingness, it could save your marriage.

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  • Laree's
    Devoted May 2022
    Laree's ·
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    One, let me say, I am sorry you’re going through this. Sex and intimacy should be something you both love doing. When demands get put on it, like you mentioned, it does start to feel like a job or a task you have to do. Have you ever enjoyed having sex in general?Are you able to satisfy yourself or even have the urge to satisfy yourself? If not, maybe your hormones are slightly off-balance, because that can definitely play a role in your sex drive. If you’ve had great sex in the past, maybe with a different partner, then maybe your husband just isn’t doing it the way you like. If so, try and talk about your needs. Maybe you trade off, have sex your way and then another night his way. I’m just spit balling here as I don’t know you both personally. To me it sounds like you both have some things to work on. It does sound like he has a little bit of a porn addiction. While I don’t think porn is necessarily bad, I’ve been known to watch it myself every now and then. But every day all day is a little excessive. When he approaches you for sex, is it all about him? Does he make you feel loved and Desired or is it all about his satisfaction? I think once it becomes a big issue, it’s hard to get over that hurdle and get back to something that’s easy going and enjoyed by both. I’ve been with my future husband for 13 years now and it hasn’t always been the easiest when it comes to intimacy either. I feel my situation was the opposite however as I seemed to want it more than he did for a long time. But me being a girl, I didn’t really push the issue as it made me feel insecure and not desired. We even went through a period to where we only had sex maybe a handful of times in a year. It was around when I got pregnant and then the following year after. However since then we have had the best sex life of our whole relationship. We have kind of been breaking out of our shells and trying new things. We don’t discuss it before hand or have any sort of conversation about it it’s just flowing that way. So I do believe there is hope at the end for you, you guys just need to figure out a different way to go about it and work on yourselves as individuals. I hope this helps or at least gives you different viewpoints.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    Listen, this is a sensitive subject and if you get any answers it might be hard to hear. Personally, I'm wondering if you're 100% sure you are in to men exclusively? If you know FOR SURE you are, then scratch that idea off. Also, once a week is actually considered healthy and normal for busy adults. It's rare for someone to not enjoy sex at all unless there is a reason. History of abuse, not really being in to men, partner not being a compatible lover, medical issues (physical or psychological) , etc.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    Also, he cannot institute a 3 time a week rule if you don't want it. That's not how marriage works. Porn is a common addiction. It 100% is real. You can become addicted to anything that causes heightened sensation, adrenaline, or the release of certain chemicals.
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  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
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    Two issues with that: First, EEG studies indicate that porn simply does not produce the brain changes that addictions do:

    https://slate.com/human-interest/2013/07/sex-addiction-study-ucla-researchers-find-that-sex-and-porn-might-not-actually-be-addictive.html

    Second, to the extent that high exposure to porn produces changes people, it tends to reduce sex drive, which ought to make her problem better, not worse. The big complaint people have about it is, "He spends all his time watching porn, instead of wanting sex with me." But in this case, the last thing she wants is for him to watch less porn and want more sex with her.

    I would agree that he can't unilaterally institute a rule of a certain number of times per week. But it sounds like they desperately need some kind of compromise between her needs and his.

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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
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    Agree to disagree. I studied the topic briefly in college and you can find articles that argue either point with scientific data. So please stop trying to correct people and focus on helping her.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    I 100% agree that you might need to go back to therapy with him to find the reason as to why you don't enjoy sex. But keep in mind once a week is nothing to be ashamed about, it's fairly common. I don't know him but it sounds in your post like he's not exactly a compatible lover for you. Does he try to find things you like more, or is he just going straight for what he wants?
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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond, as well as your advice. I can def say I have ALOT of inhibitions. I have tried numerous years in therapy and different medications. Got my checkup and all levels are normal. I do have a some stomach issues daily....borderline IBS which stress also is a factor so a lot of the time I am not feeling well or even clean/attractive after being in the bathroom for so long with my issue. Medication only helps to point.

    In regards to the other suggestion of marturbation, when I say I am not interested in sex its all aspects of sex. I know I can do other things to satisfy him but I am not comfortable with it. I know that is being closed minded but I have tried with therapy to improve. I have had some sexual abuse in my past (my BF at the time demanded sex everyday no matter what, even if I was on my period he would just use the back area) I was young and naïve and didn't want to lose him. Didn't think could do any better. He would also watch a lot of porn to the point that he would be watching porn on the tv while having sex with me but not even look at me....just the tv. He also was cheated on me 6 months after we started dating and i stupidly stayed for 4 yrs. So this could contribute to my sex issues and I don't know how to fix. Like I said been in therapy for a while and is not getting better.

    And having another sexual partner is def out for an option. Not into open marriages. I do appreciate your time and advise.

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. I do not recall ever really enjoying sex. I am a relative shy person....unless I am drunk, but I usually don't remember much of the night and am sooooo hung over. In regards to my H doing what I like, when I am not drunk I can not openly tell him what I like or want...I am that shy....always have been. My H does try to ask what I like and I am in the mind set of lets just get it done. I like it when it is quick...again unless I am drunk. And to be honest I am not that adventurous. I like it when its in bed at night with the lights off. Don't like oral either....giving or receiving. Just have this thing of your head should not be down there unless you are catching a baby. I am extremely close minded I guess. I have gone to so many therapist and for so long to help with this but no progress. I did experience a bit of sexual abuse in a past relationship. BF demanded sex everyday no matter what, even on my period he would just to the back door. He also would watch porn while we had sex but not look at me. And he started to cheat after 6 months and I stayed with him for 4 yrs. I was young and naïve and didn't think I could do any better. I know that has a lot to do with my issues and its unfortunate my H has to deal with the consequences of that. But at least I am standing up for myself sort of and refusing when I don't want to have sex for the most part but that is what causes the anger and resentment.

    My H is also doing new things that I am not really liking and it is concerning me. My mind goes to either he is cheating (which I doubt but you how we think esp when been cheated on before) or he is learning it from all the porn he is watching. I know sex can get boring and you need to spice it up. For me the issue is not that it is boring it is that I have no desire for it.

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  • V
    Master July 2019
    Veronica ·
    • Flag
    Unfortunately, it sounds like this has been a problem for a while and something that should have been resolved before you got married to him. I personally don't have this problem. In fact, I have a rather high sex drive so 3 times a week wouldn't bother me, but everyone is different. I would have a problem with my husband watching porn that often, but I would also have a problem with my husband not wanting to have sex. It sounds like your past is causing you to shy away from intimacy and is now effecting you presently. You said you are in counseling and that isn't working so I am not sure what to suggest. I don't think getting married was necessarily the best idea because intimacy is a huge part of a relationship and you guys seem to have vastly different desires.
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
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    So definitely a psychological issue there, understandably so. Have you had hormones checked or talked to a doctor?
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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    There are so many areas that could be a problem. Could be all mental, could be a nerve stimulus issue, etc.
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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    Thank you for your time and response. I am 100% sure I am into men. I have a history of sexual abuse. BF demanded sex everyday no matter what, even on my period he would just go to the back door. He also would watch porn while we had sex but not look at me. And he started to cheat after 6 months and I stayed with him for 4 yrs. I was young and naïve and didn't think I could do any better. Now this was over 14 yrs ago or so but it still effects me. I just don't know what to do. DO I talk to him about the porn watching? I know that is going to be a fight and he is going to say that if he got more sex he wouldn't watch as much porn but I don't believe that either. When we got engaged we were having more sex bc we both were so happy that we got engaged FINALLY. I also noticed his porn watching increase too. He started scheduling and recording certain movies he liked on our DVR. I did approach him about it and he said he was recording them for us to watch together....except I rarely ever want to watch porn....again sometimes when I am plastered drunk. But that really upset me and concerned me. And it has only gotten worse. He does do it in secret....so he thinks and he doesn't put it on when I'm in the room and also doesn't suggest we watch it. But it is really upsetting me and turning me off.

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    No issues with my hormones. Been checked. Even tried to take the female Viagra (Addyi) did not work and made me very dizzy and sick.

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    I tried to resolve this issue before we got married. We almost called off the wedding a couple of times. I was the one who brought it up and didn't want to book anything until I felt comfortable we got our issues in check. Don't know if he just pretended to be ok with it for the time. There is that old saying that once you get married there is no more sex. Getting married I didn't think was going to change my sex drive and I told him that I hope it increase or gets better but if not I asked if he could live with at the least 1 time a week. He seemed to be ok at the time but not now. Sex is a stress relief for him. For me it is a stressor.

    We fight about intimacy almost every month. I am not happy and feel stressed and I know he is frustrated. I just don't know what to do and this porn watching is just a complete turn off. I want to cancel the channel but that will be another fight.

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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    If your biggest question is if you should talk to him, ya, I would. I've found that talking about anything that bothers you, even if it seems small, helps your partner to understand but also helps you to hear your own complaints. I've mentioned things to my fiancé that I realized half way through talking about that the real reason I was upset wasn't what I thought. It's healthy to communicate.
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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag

    Have you considered switching your mental health doctor? Maybe another doctor can provide alternative tips or guidance. Or maybe its a specialist you should be seeing. This area of your relationship will always bring tension.

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  • Watts
    Super March 2020
    Watts ·
    • Flag
    Have you two looked in to a sex therapist? They are very different than a normal therapist. It sounds like he could benefit from it, too
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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    Have switched doctors a few time when I felt I wasn't making progress. Even went to a sex therapist with him for 1 yr. I don't think he is willing to go again

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  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
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    We did go to a sex therapist for 1 yr before we were even engaged. Tried many different things. They suggested:

    - fake it to you make it

    - schedule sex days

    - have a drink before ( that didn't work bc I needed to have a lot to relax - even tried to have sex before the therapy session. I downed 2 glasses of wine in half hour and nothing.

    - smoke weed to relax - that was out - never did drugs

    Nothing worked.

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