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Just Said Yes July 2022

Marriage without sex

Bohobride, on August 10, 2022 at 10:16 AM Posted in Married Life 1 16

It's heartbreaking to have to write this post.

I recently got married to my partner of three years. In all that time, I can count the number of times we've had sex on my fingers (seven or eight times in three years). He's physically affectionate in other ways (long cuddles, lots of hugs, holding hands), we spend a lot of time together, share hobbies, etc. There's just nothing erotic. For context, I have quite low libido, and I think I'd be happy with sex on a monthly basis, so it's not even the huge deal to me it is to many people. But eight times in three years is a problem even for me.

I've tried talking to him about it. I explained it made me feel ugly and unwanted, that it was making me wonder if he isn't attracted to me and if he'll grow to resent me once he meets a woman he actually feels attracted to. He became slightly tearful at this, hugged me, and told me that he was loving me the only way he knows how. I asked if this meant he was asexual, and he denied it. I decided that I loved him enough to continue even if nothing changed. He told me that he was quite drawn to the traditional idea of marriage, even though he's not religious, so part of me thought it would get better then.

On our wedding night we came home and went straight to sleep. We were both exhausted. Two days later I asked for some intimate time and he agreed that we would have a date night. He was even quite flirty about it, which got my hopes up. I thought maybe this was what we needed to do - just be proactive and specific about identifying times. When the evening came he was too tired and his stomach felt upset. He made a joke about it normally being the woman's job to make excuses, but I didn't find it funny. If we had more of a regular sex life it wouldn't bother me, but given that we've had sex twice in the past twelve months, it felt like he didn't really want it and he was just putting me off.

I can't keep asking him for sex and getting rejected. It hurts. At the same time I'm not giving up on my marriage when it's barely begun. I don't even know what advice there is to make this situation feel better, but if anyone has words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them.

16 Comments

Latest activity by Michael, on December 26, 2023 at 2:42 PM
  • B
    VIP July 2017
    Becky ·
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    Honestly, I feel like you need to see a couples therapist together and possibly a sex therapist as well.

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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Did something he did specifically make you believe things would change once were married? I'm just trying to understand what your mindset was when you entered into this marriage. Sex is important part of a romantic relationship and since it was extremely limited prior to being married I'm confused what made you believe/feel things would change. Getting married unfortunately doesn't magically make someone want sex more.
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  • D
    Just Said Yes August 2022
    Dresstressedbride ·
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    He told me that despite not being religious, he'd always felt drawn to the traditional approach to marriage and sex (i.e. no premarital sex). I am religious, albeit not conservative in that way, so I was OK with waiting - the concept isn't unfamiliar to me with the church I grew up in, and as I said, my own sex drive isn't the highest anyway. But now it seems like this was just an excuse.
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  • V
    Rockstar July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Unfortunately I have to agree that it sounds like an excuse and that he will continue giving you different excuses. But what you need to decide is if you are okay with a sexless marriage. If you aren't that's 100% understand. I think a lot of men and women wouldn't be okay with that type of arrangement. Also if you do happen to want children sex is kind of required in order for that to happen at least the traditional way.
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  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
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    I would make an appointment with a sex therapist asap
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  • Kelly
    Rockstar October 2023
    Kelly ·
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    I was in a similar situation with my FH. We saw a couple's therapist and individual therapists and it helped A LOT. I'm inclined to think that your partner doesn't notice the infrequency and so isn't as aware of the problem as you are.

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  • E
    Devoted February 2023
    Elycia ·
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    Fully agree. Individual and couples therapy is probably the only thing that can help them through this at this point. Especially if she's not willing to walk away from the relationship.

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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you for sharing. Sexual life and intimacy are important in married life. I agree with others above on finding a sex therapist and perhaps individual counseling. Would he consider an annual exam and talk of physical concerns with his Primary Care Physician? He may have low testosterone which can be helped with topical or oral treatments. Still, talk therapy will help bring you towards a common connection. Best wishes.
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  • Paige
    VIP October 2022
    Paige ·
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    I definitely agree that some combo of talk therapy and sex therapy is a great idea. Sometimes hearing things from an outside perspective can really change the way people look at issues that they may not have even realized were issues in the first place.

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  • mrswinteriscoming
    VIP December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I agree with what others suggested which is seeing a sex therapist so as to at least help you talk things through and try identify and then work through whatever the issues are. It might be that he has performance issues or erectile dysfunction and is afraid to admit it, or he may genuinely be disinterested in sex in general. Whatever it is, it will continue to drive a wedge between you if you do not get to the bottom of it.

    (Also, to add: I have a friend that is legitimately asexual and at least in her case, she just doesn't experience the feelings of desire and sexual attraction that others do but that in itself doesn't mean she doesn't experience or doesn't enjoy sexual pleasure and thus has what most would consider a relatively 'normal' sex life - I don't think he is asexual).

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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    Sexual incompatibility is a big deal breaker or leads to unhealthy marriages. If you BOTH(him as well) want to make it work then I'd suggest a couples/sex/marriage counselor
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  • Bailey
    Expert October 2023
    Bailey ·
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    You already have plenty of advice on here, but I'm sending my heart out to you. I think there is always a reason for lack of sex, and since he denies being asexual, and it does sound like he wants to provide intimacy, I would guess there's either an emotional/mental block or a chemical one (low t). These are tough topics for a lot of men, so I could see him not wanting to open up to you/doctor about it, but it needs to be done. If he has low t, that can affect a lot more than just his sex drive. I really hope you guys reach out to a PCP and a sex therapist and get this worked out, because it can be a really easy fix!

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  • Ana
    Beginner June 2020
    Ana ·
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    Since you knew the sex was infrequest while you were dating, what made you think marriage would help that? Sex in relationships/marriage is very important and sexual rejection hurts. I'd suggest following Marriage 365 on Facebook/Instagram. They discuss this topic in depth and give you tips. They are great! Therapy would be next but I'd say save your money. Have those tough conversations with your spouse and let him know this is upsetting you. There are ways to fix this and in the end, enjoy a healthy sex life!
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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    I think you will need help resolving this. I wonder if he tried hard to avoid the pre-marital relations and now has a problem changing his mindset. You should be able to work this out and enjoy married life more.

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  • K
    Just Said Yes June 2026
    Kinnessa ·
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    I'm truly sorry to hear about the challenges you're facing. It's clear that you've communicated openly with your partner, and it's positive that he's expressed his love in different ways. Relationship dynamics can be complex, and mismatched libidos can be distressing. Consider seeking professional help, such as couples therapy, to navigate this together. Open communication remains crucial, and a therapist can provide guidance in finding a resolution that works for both of you. Remember, you're not alone, and seeking support is a sign of strength.

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  • Michael
    Rockstar October 2023
    Michael ·
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    This thread is a bit old and the original person may have taken some sort of action already. For anyone newly seeing this, it can help to discuss and maybe get early help on issues that might arise with someone you are about to marry. Certainly some issues only become apparent after marriage. Though, ne friend ended up with marital type disputes before getting married. Good to get those out of the way early.

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