Maid of honor issues

I think you need to call her and talk about this. If a bridesmaid is being flaky, you can message them and let them know it's okay to opt out. But if she is your maid of honor, and has been involved with planning and stuff, but all of a sudden she isn't sure she can make the wedding - that makes me wonder if something bigger is going on with her. Whether that's financial issues, health issues, something with family or a partner, or even if there's an issue between the two of you that hasn't been resolved, I would have a conversation with her and see what's going on.

If there isn't a deeper issue and she just doesn't want to make her commitment to you a priority, it is better to know that now than on your wedding day. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Okay, I would definitely be upset that she said she couldn't come to yours for financial reasons but now is going to another party. Is it possible that their party was substantially less expensive? How much is your trip per person? The trouble with the bridal parties is that even if they're your closest friends, your wedding (and subsequent activities) will always be more important to you than to them. I would sit down and tell her how that hurt your feelings, ask her why she chose another party over yours, and see if she is actually interested in being your MOH. Find out why she is thinking about not going to your wedding, and really lay out (emotionally, but calmly) how much this hurts. Use her reaction to decide if the friendship is worth pursuing.

How was your relationship before this? I'm very, very shocked that someone who you love enough to ask to be your MOH would ever even think of not attending the wedding. Is there a possibility that you asked her to be MOH because you felt like you had to, based on your past/ongoing relationship?

As for the flaky bridesmaid, there is ALWAYS one. Just text/call her and ask if everything is okay, and if she's still interested in going. If the price of the party went up because the MOH bailed, I'd try and offset that yourself so more people wont bail.

That is hurtful of her to be deceptive, but you and her need to have an open honest conversation first before you do anything else. If that is not possible, then do what you need to do. If that means cutting the friendship and being without a maid of honor because you are no longer close, then do that. Not all friends stay in our lives forever and sometimes it’s necessary to weed out toxicity to move forward. The same applies to the other bridesmaid as well. If people want to be in your life and celebrate milestones with you, they will make the effort. The people who don’t will not make the effort and they will back out at the first chance. Focus your attention and energy on the true friends supporting you.


Also, destination weekend bachelorette parties are difficult for many due to finances and time availability. But her disrespectful secretive behavior trumps that.

That seems silly to want to end the relationship because of this?? It’s a lot of stress being a MOH and just because she can’t afford it, doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you or want to support you. Maybe talk to her and ask if being the MOH is too much for her? I told everyone in my wedding party that I will not put any stress on them, they will not be obligated to pay for anything they can’t/ don’t want to. I even told them that I will help pay for their dresses and expenses, because it’s MY party and MY wedding. Just because you’re getting married doesn’t mean that everyone has to do what you say.

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I said in my post my issue was NOT with her inability to financially afford to attend. My issue was with her taking over planning the bachelorette party and then dropping out 2 months before but then attending someone else's bachelorette party that was planned AFTER mine after telling me she couldn't afford to come to my own. This has been planned out for months and she was the main one taking care of everything so its 100% fair for me to be frustrated that shes no longer attending and possibly now not attending the wedding. I do not want to end the relationship solely because of this, it is in addition to other issues I didn't even mention.

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Sounds like you're committed to your point of view.

Personally, I think destination bachelorettes are increasingly causing problems with friendships. Not everyone will be able to attend, and you don't get to determine how she spends her money. As a pp said, maybe the other party was less expensive. I'm not sure that feeling slighted is realistic here. It was nice of her to plan the party, but sounds like she realized it was out of her reach. Is there any chance that the other BM went MIA is that it was too expensive for her too? Maybe you should lower your expectations for this? Just a thought, hope it works out for you.

View Quoted Comment That’s fair. However, I asked all of my bridesmaids if a destination bachelorette was okay with them and if they could afford it. I made an entire document outlining potential expenses and gave it to them when I asked them to be a bridesmaid. I stated in the document that if even one of them couldn’t afford to go then we wouldn’t. They had as much choice in the decision as I did. If financies were an issue, they could have told me before and I would’ve planned it elsewhere. My MOH stated she was okay with this and even starting adding activities to do herself. I’m not telling anyone what to do with their money, I included them in the decision. The other BM that is unresponsive doesn’t use text messaging and instead only replies on social media for some reason. I have chosen to tell her she is no longer a bridesmaid and just invited her as a wedding guest because it’s just too hard and stressful for me to get in touch with her. I send her multiple messages and get no response.

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Well that statement about if one of them can't afford it, then the trip is off may be applying pressure to people. They may be reluctant to decline the trip because then no-one else can go, according to your rules.

That might be why your BM went MIA, to avoid ruining things for everyone. I just read that you removed her from the wedding party, which can be a friendship ending move anyway. She's done nothing wrong, and demoting her to guest can be insulting.

Finances are a fluid situation, especially as we head into a recession. What might have seemed possible a few months ago may not be possible now. I worry for you that your expectations are adding stress to this.

View Quoted Comment That’s not what I said. I said if one of them can’t afford it then we can do the trip somewhere else that everyone could afford. There was absolutely no pressure applied to any of them.


Also my other bridesmaid didn’t just randomly go MIA. She’s been unresponsive since I first asked her to be a bridesmaid. My MOH even told me she wasn’t responding to her messages either and was hard to get in touch with. How am I supposed to have someone in my wedding party that isn’t communicating with me? I’ve sent her tons of messages to get coordinated with day of events and she doesn’t reply. I’m expected to just put up with that? I wouldn’t do that to someone. If she no longer wants to be part of the wedding party that is fine with me, but she should let me know so I’m not stressing trying to figure out what is wrong or how to get in touch with her.
The whole bachelorette party doesn’t even apply here anymore. I’m doing a bachelorette party with my family instead. I had 4 bridesmaids—two are my SIL the other was my MOH who can’t go and the other is MIA. I also never stated that I was mad at my MOH for financial issues. I’ve stated that multiple times. I’m simply frustrated that I was told 2 months beforehand when she was in charge of planning the bachelorette (she wanted to be in charge) and then attended someone else’s destination bachelorette.

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As I said, I hope it works out for you. Those were just the thoughts/impressions I had.

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Thank you, genuinely! I wasn't trying to be rude at all--as I've said, I'm just super stressed and frustrated with only 2 months until bach party and 4 months till the wedding. Hope you have a great day!

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Unless you know for certain that the other bachelorette party was similarly priced to yours, I have to agree with Jacks that I don’t think it is any issue that your MOH went to the other party. If it was more affordable (or fully paid for) or local, then I don’t see why she shouldn’t have gone notwithstanding that she couldn’t otherwise afford to attend yours.

I appreciate that you gave your attendees advance notice and confirmed if the costs worked out for them but circumstances do change and it is totally plausible that closer to the date your MOH realised that it was no longer feasible for her to attend by reason of her finances that wasn’t foreseen at the time she committed to the trip and I don’t think it is fair to hold that against her on the basis that she should not be attending other events.

It sounds to me like you are dissatisfied with her responsiveness and that perhaps this has made you realise that she may not necessarily value your friendship as much as you value hers, particularly if she is no longer confident she can attend your wedding. If it were me, I would have a heart to heart with her as to whether she will attend and whether or not she is ok and is content as your MOH.

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I don't know the particular details about the other party she went to. Only that it was a destination party as well and was scheduled for a longer time than mine would have been. Overall, the whole bridesmaid situation has been insanely stressful and anxiety ridden for me-- I regret choosing to having bridesmaids at all. After talking all of this out I honestly prefer that my MOH not attend so I can do away with bridesmaids altogether. The only other bridesmaids are my siblings and they're supportive of that.

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If the other destination bachelorette was more affordable for your MOH or was paid for, then I can understand why she went but in the absence of that information it is hard to say whether she was deceitful or was being honest.

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Who knows haha! I'm honestly over the whole situation and after talking to everyone I don't even care anymore lol. Like I said, I wish I didn't choose to have bridesmaids at all, it's been more stress than it's worth.

You have every right to feel this way. If I found put my MOH was at another Bachelorette party and not being their for mine and also telling you last-minute isn't exactly a very good MOH. Unfortunately, the friends we thought were friends aren't the friends we need now. It's time to move on, it's your Day and future. Congratulations 🎊!

From more recent posts, you stated you are eloping. I am confused. Are you eloping (just you, FH, and officiant) or is it a minimony? If you are eloping, then etiquette wise there should be no pre-wedding events and you wouldn't need bridal party. Maybe that is why MOH is backing out?

View Quoted Comment We’re eloping just myself and fiancé and then having a wedding reception a week later. Bach party was planned when our original wedding plan was to have a wedding with ceremony. As far as etiquette, I don’t really like that term when it comes to weddings personally, we aren’t following traditional standards as it doesn’t fit us as a couple.

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Tradition is optional and social-circle specific, e.g. throwing a bouquette to unmarried women. Etiquette is general social standards meant to be inclusive for the purpose of not offending others unintentionally, e.g. sending out invitations so guests know they're invited. Why reinvent the wheel with social mores? You may think yourself alternative, but it's evident there are hurt feelings here. You think it uncouth she cancelled on you. She may think your elopement doesn't follow wedding protocol, and therefore her attendance is unnecessary. The only way to find out her feelings is to ask your best friend/ MOH. BTW, I think there is something hidden there.

On optional parties, a reception-only evening after an elopement does produce different feelings. Many WW couples are disappointed with their low turnouts as their guests prioritize full weddings into their schedule and budgets. Optional bachelor/bachelorette and wedding showers are considered rude and gift grabby as you're inviting persons to the small parties but not the big one. Etiquette exists to sort out social ambiguity as people will still feel some type of way about being left out.

View Quoted Comment To be completely honest, as I’ve said I still don’t care about etiquette especially when it comes to a wedding. I think people forget that a wedding is not about the guests it’s about the bride and groom. If someone is offended about what I choose to do at my own wedding I don’t want them there and they can choose to un-invite themselves. I find it funny that people think they have a say in what people should and should not do at someone else’s wedding. As a guest, I wouldn’t take offense to whatever the bride and groom choose to to on their day. I had a long conversation with my maid of honor when she told me she couldn’t come. She was even one of the first people I told when we decided to elope and was 100% supportive of that and encouraged me that she still wanted to throw me the bachelorette party. She stated her reason for non-attendance was financial, which I’ve said again and again is not why I was upset. The only reason I was upset is because I had to replan the entire trip and it was stressing me out and si was frustrated that it was last minute. That’s it. I’m not having a bridal shower and the intent of my bachelorette party is not to have gifts, I just wanted to celebrate getting married with my friends which is 100% fair as we are still getting married regardless of what “etiquette” has to say about how we’re getting married. Our wedding reception is family only with the exception of our bridesmaids and groomsmen who have already stated they would be in attendance.