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Devoted September 2019

Is this a normal mil thing?

KT4ever, on November 10, 2019 at 6:37 PM Posted in Married Life 0 9
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We are living at my parents now- still saving up for that house. Here’s my situation - I just finished grad school and have been working and job hunting. Most of the time my mom cooks and my husband is for it all the time. There are times when I do cook. He says that once we have our own place, we’ll be sharing cooking responsibilities. Here’s what I don’t get- his mom asked him one day if I cook for him- how often and what I cook him. I was weirded out bc: 1. Why is she so curious? We all know that the wives will never be good enough for their precious sons so I can’t help but sense judgement on her part. 2. Why is it the wife that has to cook all the time? Can’t her son cook too? 3. Just bc you work, doesn’t give you a free pass to not cook bc there are millions of husbands and wives who work full time AND cook

of course we got into an argument about it because he thinks I’m thinking worse of what his mom is asking...

9 Comments

  • Laura
    Rockstar October 2019
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    Is it possible maybe he said something to her that she possibly took the wrong way? It does seem odd for her to ask you that, especially now that you're a married couple. She may not have meant anything bad about it, but it really isn't any of her business. I'm not trying to sound harsh I promise. I do think she was out of line

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  • Mrs. Sarantos
    Master November 2019
    Mrs. Sarantos ·
    • Flag
    When my fmil calls she asks if I feed him lol. I just think it’s funny and not something personally against me. I don’t think it’s a big deal. And my fiancé does cook occasionally but I do cook a lot and work full time because I enjoy it.
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  • Hannah
    VIP July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    "We all know that the wives will never be good enough for their precious sons so I can’t help but sense judgement on her part"

    Even though I've seen other posts describing your difficult situation with your MIL, this alone points to a pretty unhealthy dynamic between the two of you. I think it's hard to interpret the situation as outsiders on this forum. However, it is possible that she is asking these things out of some malicious intent. It's also possible that she was merely curious about the dynamic now that you two are married and you are interpreting it in a negative light given your rocky relationship with her. Given that she's only asked it once (for now), I would try to give the benefit of the doubt as one means of trying to smooth over your relationship with her since neither of you are going anywhere anytime soon. Is she a firm believer in these kinds of strict gender norms? If so, it may not even be anything about you per say, but about her being rigid in these beliefs.
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  • B
    Super July 2018
    Brittany ·
    • Flag

    Random people with old school values ask me questions like this too. Like older grocery store clerks, older people at work, vendors I deal with, etc. In these situations it helps to kind of take the conversation in a different direction for example "We like to cook dinner at home, we've been eating a lot of salmon lately and we just got a instapot. Have you used one? We've made some awesome chicken recipes." So you're kind of getting the point across that WE share the responsibility but also redirecting the conversation so it doesn't cause an argument about what the person asking believes the gender norms are..

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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag

    I think you're reading wayyyyy too much into the comment. She could just be making conversation. Do you think your negative view of you MIL makes it so no matter what she says you think it's judgmental? I agree with H on this one...

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    I think you're thinking into this way too much. It sounds like she mentioned it one time, she was probably just curious about who cooks.

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  • Lauren
    VIP February 2020
    Lauren ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like you're reading too much into this. I, honestly, never cook, and my FMIL doesn't seem to care at all (we do have a great relationship, though), and my FH cooks for himself almost every night. We've already agreed that I can do the grocery shopping when we're married, and he'll cook. Growing up, my mom never cooked either as she was a manager in a nuclear plant and was too tired to cook since she'd work 12 hour days usually. I think as long as yall are eating, it shouldn't matter lol. It sounds like she was just curious rather than being judgmental.

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  • Kelly
    Super October 2019
    Kelly ·
    • Flag

    I think that she might just be making conversation. My MIL has ask me this in the past, and even recently & she calls me her new daughter (because she thinks DIL sounds cold & she loves me in their family). My mother also asks me what I'm making for dinner every single time we speak (for the last 10 years)... again, she's just making conversation.

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  • Av
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Av ·
    • Flag
    It could be innocent, since that's a common old-fashion/southern question from older people we know. I'm not going to lie, for some its a test of if she treats the son the way he is use to. Moms really pry if the son looses any weight, if his wife cooks good or regularly. Grandma's side eye ladies that don't fix their mans plate at the cookout (their litmus test for "wifey material", lol). Its up to your husband to tell her that you guys have a different arrangement AND that is his preference. If he expresses any unhappiness about it, it will reinforce her opinions.
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