Is it horrible to back out of the bachelorette party?

If everything is already planned, they likely counted you when determining how much per person it will be, meaning either you still cover your portion without going or you're making everyone else pay more than they planned because you're choosing to back out.

As a bride, I would be excited for my friend to have an opportunity, but again, just think of how it will impact anyone else.

You're really the only one who knows your friend and how they could potentially react. I'm super laid back and know that things come up (two of my bridesmaids may not be able to attend my bachelorette and it's completely understandable), but I have a friend who would be VERY offended if I committed and then later backed out, regardless of the reason (unless it was like a death in the family or i had a baby).

I would feel somewhat hurt if you were my bridesmaid since this is an optional thing you are auditioning for and there will be other plays. However I would understand and it wouldn’t ruin the friendship, especially if approached well. The main issue for me would be the cost of any lodging or activities that you’ve likely already agreed to. If you’re willing to still cover the cost of your part for the weekend I think the bride will probably be more amenable. I do like the idea of offering to do something a different weekend with her since it shows that you do care.

If you already committed to the bachelorette weekend, it would be rude to back out for something else.
I’m the type who doesn’t bail once I commit to something.

Personally, I feel like you've already committed to the bachelorette so it would be rude to back out. Things happen, and pre-wedding events are totally optional, but I would be really hurt if my friend backed out because she chose to audition for a play she knew would be a conflict after everything was already planned and she committed.

In theory, pre-wedding events are totally optional. But you said you’d go. And it’d be really unkind to back out for something “better”.

Hey all, thanks for your responses! The more I've thought about it, the more I know deep down that you're right about it being hurtful or unkind to choose a play over something I've already committed to. As much as I want to do this show, it really isn't more important than celebrating my best friend. There'll be other plays, and maybe I'll even get another chance to audition for this musical somewhere down the line. Thank you all again, your input was exactly the perspective I needed!

I actually have a much different take on this. If I were the bride, and after hearing about how passionate and excited you were (and hopefully still are) for this theater opportunity, I would *absolutely* want you to pursue it!!! The fact that you've already thought about how to make it up to her is super super thoughtful! I would encourage you to express to your friend about how excited you are about the prospect of the theater role, and how much work you've already put into it, but be clear that IF you got the role, you'd have to miss out on the bachelorette (but perhaps you could still pay for any non-refundable expenses the organizer/other attendees has incurred as a result of your affirmative RSVP...hopefully those are minimal, considering the bachelorette isn't until this summer...) BUT that you already have multiple ideas of how to make it up to her. If I were your friend, I would undoubtedly want you to pursue your dreams instead of feeling obligated to attend my bachelorette (where you'll likely be one of several people)...and I'd be thrilled to take you up on the offer for the one-on-one weekend trip to make up for it. I say go for it!! Don't let a bachelorette hold you back....it's not her actual wedding, and who knows if you'll get the part! I hope you do though

View Quoted Comment I feel the same way as Allie. If one of my bridesmaids wanted to pursue an opportunity, I’d say go for it!

Hello, I'm a bride and a bridesmaid who I have a similar relationship with did this to me! I haven't been needy of my bridesmaids, I just wanted them to show up to a shower, bachelorette party, rehearsal dinner, and wedding day. With that, the full bridal party had planned a weekend in February back in July of last year, then in late December she backed out in favor of doing something with her boyfriend instead (she thought he was going to propose). As a very kind gesture, she took me out on a spa day with just the two of us to "make it up to me", and it was a very fun time one on one, but the principle of the situation still made me feel like I was an unimportant priority to her.

Now that it's all passed, I still love her, we're still friends, and in general I have no hard feelings at all, but it's still a sad lil soft spot that makes me feel self conscious when I think about it.

View Quoted Comment You nailed it! So glad to see that you came to this conclusion. I have witnessed the hurt when a friend backed out of another friend’s bachelorette because “something better” came up and it’s not worth it. And experienced it for myself last weekend when one of my bridesmaids bailed on my party.


In my experience it altered the friendship for life because whether or not you mean to, you’re prioritizing something over your friend. I know she will be so glad to have you there!

I as a bride would be totally stoked for you if you landed a dream role in a play, and would not hold it against you at all. Maybe you could still offer to pay your portion of the trip if that helps.

View Quoted Comment

I also would feel happy if this was my BM since this seems like a once in a lifetime opportunity for you - if you offer to cover your costs and still make a one on one date with her - I think it is reasonable

Why don’t you ask your friend about it? Only she knows how she would feel. Just tell her about the show, (although if she’s your bestie I assume it’s come up at some point already). Tell her you aren’t even for sure going to get a part, but that if you did, you would have to miss her party. Ask her to be honest about if that would hurt her feelings, and offer to cover any of your costs as others have stated and take her on a 1 on 1 later. If it bothers her, don’t audition, if she’s fine with it, go for it!

This is a tough spot but I really think you should go for the audition. Definitely talk to your bride about it so that you can do it without stressing about the bach party. I'm a bride, and if I found out that my best friend actually skipped out on a chance to take part of something that she was super passionate about because of my bach party, I would be really upset!
Just a thought - how many girls are going and are they close friends? In my friend group, if this were to happen, we would try to move the bach party date. Lodging reservations and flights can be changed. Since it isn't until this summer, there's still time.