T
Devoted September 2012

Is house hunting really up for discussion with Everyone?

The Sealpups, on January 22, 2020 at 2:55 AM Posted in Married Life 0 8
Saved
Reply
I’m starting to feel like house hunting is just like planning a wedding all over again. I’ll be frank- I just graduated from my masters program and got married last year. Realistically, we cannot buy a house, especially with all the wedding , honeymoon expenses. On top of that, I’m transitioning into a new career. A few mentors put it bluntly that because it’s a higher position, it will take a while. We happen to live in a suburb area where tech is taking over the city, therefore most homes are on average $800k. We can’t afford that right now and even if we could, we can’t just pull the plunge. We both knew that we wanted to be within the area where we grew up with an appropriate distance with each of our parents (far enough but not too far incase we need someone to watch the kids in the future on some occasions, of course). It seems to be the trend here that many couples move back with their parents to save. My husband is also against renting and would rather pay his parents money (way cheaper than rent) to stay at his parents for now.


We both have been with our parents going back and fourth. They live minutes away from each other. I had an understanding with my mom that we would be “at home” for at least a year to save up. My sister moved back a year ago from her program and she just moved out. Parents are not thrilled, as they wanted her to save. My dad also favors her and is co-dependent (I was the scapegoat child). When they found out, my dad projected on me and “threatened” that my husband and I move out. In his head- the married couple needs to have an apartment and save for the house; my single sister needs to stay at home and save for a condo. I’m upset bc this was all discussed prior to the wedding! We were all in agreement. My sister suddenly moves out and the rules change. Also, my mom has been pestering me about house hunting since we’ve been married, expecting us to buy a house like a pair of shoes. Now that my sister is out, she has taken “control” of the house hunting as if she’s finding her dream home through us. She’s either nagging us to buy a house now or planning house visits. She is NOT contributing financially.
I have some friends that ask me because they care - genuinely. Some friends ask me bc they wanna see what they’re up against and I can feel it. I have a friend around my age and she constantly asks me every month about the house situation, even though she knows we plan on saving up for a year. It’s like she wants to keep tabs. Then she gives me unsolicited advice that we should buy an apartment and forgo the house saving altogether. She doesn’t know our finances and who knows what her motives are.
It just bothers me so much now and part of it too is that I’m looking around for my job still. I don’t know why my dad is projecting on me more than usual and why the rules suddenly changed -since he makes up the rules and decisions? Not sure why my mom is in charge of the house hunting committee (even his mom is so eager for us to get a house now- only been married for 4 months). And I don’t get my friend constantly wanting to know the house situation and giving unsolicited advice. I feel surrounded by control freaks

8 Comments

Latest activity by The Sealpups, on January 22, 2020 at 4:59 PM
  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
    • Flag
    It sounds like it’s time to just tell everyone to stop asking. Be honest and tell everyone that you are NOT looking for a house right now and would appreciate that they stop asking and pressuring you. Honesty is always best
    • Reply
  • MOB So Cal
    January 2019
    MOB So Cal ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, I think this is more likely to happen when people are way too involved in your business.... It is very hard for two sets of adults to live in one dwelling -- especially when there is a parent-child dynamic that is ALWAYS going to come into play. You can try sitting down with your parents and having a rational conversation about everyone's perspectives on how the arrangement is working out. Sometimes, something sounds good, but once you're all living it, it becomes significantly less appealing. Maybe they are finding it more stressful or distracting to have you at home and it's wearing thin? Maybe because they are so close, they have opinions about the way you are managing your finances and think if you get focused you can move out sooner rather than later? Who knows unless you have a rational conversation with them. With your friends, it sounds like you've involved them in conversations but now you need a break from that topic of conversation, again, you need to tell them clearly but firmly that you have a timeline and will let them know when anything changes. (We had to do something similar with people who knew we were having challenges getting pregnant -- eventually, I didn't want to talk about it anymore and had to tell people they'd be the first to hear if/when it happened. Until then, the topic was off limits.... It took 8 years, that would have been a VERY LONG time to constantly hear others' opinions. ) Honestly, I would seriously consider moving out on your own into an apartment. The privacy would be worth the extra time needed to save. Especially so early in your marriage, it sounds like it will be to everyone's benefit to stand on your own four feet and establish some boundaries around what's discussed inside your marriage and what's up for discussion outside. Good luck to you!

    • Reply
  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
    • Flag

    I have been in a similar situation to yours. We got married, rented for about 4-5 months before mold pushed us out and back in with my parents. My husband wasn't happy about it, my dad wasn't happy, and my sister and her husband were also living with my parents. We told my family it was so we could save money to put towards purchasing a house. For a while everything was fine, after about a month everyone was putting pressure on us. Our friends/family/co-workers began sending realtor numbers our way, everyone was was looking online at houses and sending us links, dad was saying we needed to figure out something....etc. It's a lot of pressure! My husband and I finally sat down and decided to start looking at houses, not to find one because we knew we weren't ready, but instead to figure out what we wanted in our home vs. what we didn't want/need. We even decided to tour a few houses because it's hard to tell from pictures how the house is actually laid out, and the pictures looked similar to what we had envisioned. Once we began doing this, everyone took a step back and stopped pressuring. If we toured a house and someone questioned our thoughts, we simply responded well we liked this about it but there were a few things we didn't Surprisingly, simple things like the way the yard was laid out, we would have to put too much money into it to get it to where we would feel comfortable, we didn't care for the neighborhood, or any excuse worked. We didn't house hunt or look every weekend we would schedule to look at house or two a month.

    Eventually, we ended up looking at "the one". It's similar to wedding dress shopping, honestly. (You just know when it's the right one.) We went to look at this house, which was much larger than I had ever anticipated getting. I had set my limit of 2500 sq ft. (which we passed by an extra 1000+ sq. ft). We had been to a local yard sale looking around when my husband detoured to a nearby neighborhood. We pulled into the drive way of this beautiful big brick house, and I asked "What are we doing here?" He told me he just wanted me to look, and my first response was, "No way! It's too big.", but of course he won the argument and I got out to look. The house was for sale by owner, so the owner came and let us walk through. As we walked through the house I began to imagine family dinners, holidays, birthdays, cookouts, and all the other things we could do in this house. (Remember we weren't house hunting just looking at options so, at this point we had not talked to the bank to see what / if we could get pre-approved for a mortgage). My husband and I loved the house. We went the following week and started the pre-approval paperwork, called the owner to discuss making an offer on the house, etc. Within about 2 weeks we were under contract.

    This worked in our favor and it may work in yours, too. I mean we didn't "house hunt" we just took the time to see what our options were and discuss the things we did / didn't like. Things I thought I would like in a home turned out to be the things we didn't need/want after looking at a few.

    I wish you the best of luck! I know it's hard and you feel very pressured right now. Just know everything will work out. We looked at houses for a 6 months and had no expectations of purchasing for at least 1-3 years. It just worked out, and I have a feeling it will for you too. I do caution you to avoid taking anyone other than your spouse on these house viewing adventures that way no one is there to pressure their thoughts, ideas, wants, dreams etc. on you.

    Best Wishes!

    • Reply
  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag

    I agree with them, you are married and apparently felt "adult" enough to make that decision instead of waiting until you were more financially secure and frankly, you should be living on your own. I also can understand that money doesn't grow on trees but you are still living under their roof and while you can just tell them, you don't wanna move out, you cannot make them stop trying to push your buttons about it. Married or not, its their house and they can do what they want to.

    Good luck. I hate to say it but you will probably have to deal with it until you move out.

    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag
    I think it's also super common for people to constantly ask newlywed couples very typical questions : when are you moving out or buying a house? When are you having kids? Those are questions I get asked constantly. I have a house now though and it was something we got around half a year after our wedding because we just had enough money and we really needed the space without wanting to throw money into rent.
    House shopping sucks aha. Everything is so intimidating and the idea that all your money is gone in seconds and you're committed to paying off this large debt for the next years is scary. But it is a home and it's something you can take your time on if you need.

    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Hi! I remember you from when you gave me advice when I was venting about our Asian families Smiley smile I HIGHLY relate and agree with the apartment thing - I don't want to throw money at rent, especially knowing when we can save and pay his parents "rent" for much cheaper. I really don't bring it up. I'm honestly super low key and private and people tend to bring it up. I'm honest and as vague as possible.

    My friend (also Asian) is one of them who HAS to bring it up every time. I tell her the same thing every time - that we're saving for about a year and I'll let her know if anything happens. At this point, I feel really annoyed and violated to why she constantly asks me. We're around the same age, got married around the same time... I'm kind of her "security blanket" where she sees what I do and does the same. She already has a house with her husband (their fixer upper) so I don't understand her nosiness.

    I also don't understand why my parents (and his mom) are in SUCH a rush to just get a house NOW.

    You are right though - it's just what people ask.

    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    This gave me so much comfort - more than you will ever know. I am so happy that everything worked out for you. Maybe I should join the husband when he goes out on drives Smiley smile

    I'm hoping I get this new career soon so we can establish something. Thank you so much!!

    Smiley heart Smiley heart Smiley heart Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • T
    Devoted September 2012
    The Sealpups ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Thank you for your advice!

    with my friends - i honestly don't bring it up. I'm very low key and private, especially now when it comes to things like this with my husband: house, family planning, cars, etc... One friend who asked was a family friend (sister's best friend for 20+ years) - I know when she asks, it's a one time thing and asks bc she's genuine. My other friend asks as if we're both 21 years old again and is asking, "did you get drunk at that one party?" There's things I just don't want to talk about with her, especially because I can't help but feel like she keeps tabs on me for her own knowledge and what she'll do next (based on what I do). She's competitive and gives unsolicited advice. She'll start with, "so where are you gonna live and what do you eventually want to do?" "We're with our families right now so we can save up for a house." "I don't think you should get a house right now. It's not right for you. I say start with an apartment and then get a house. It's better financially." SEE? I didn't even ask for her opinion and because she's my friend, it's like she's entitled to know because we're friends and apparently, that's what friends talk about. Me not talking about these things with her means we're not as close - as i know that's how she thinks. I'm seeing her this Friday and just want to tell her to back off. My first priority right now is securing that career. WHen she brings up the house thing, I do tell her about the house but she asks more about the house plans after. I think friends should know when they're being too nosy and I shouldn't have to share this info with her

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics