Insecure

I don’t think he’s referring to you not being good enough or anything at all!!! People just have their kinks and likes. Maybe you can incorporate it? Like both of you watch it or something before hand?
I know it’s hard not to feel insecure from stuff like that because our brains automatically kind of assume it’s cause we aren’t good enough but sometimes that’s really not the case at all.

I think watching “adult films” is quite normal for adult males and even females. I dont think this is anything you should feel bad about. It’s not a reflection of you as a wife or female. Everyone is into different things and men are very visual. He seems to want to work this out so maybe you can talk about it further to understand his perspective.

View Quoted Comment I think it's fine if he wants to watch it if he is pleasuring himself, but when we are in bed together and he hide it from me that that is what he was doing I have a problem with that.

I agree with you 100%. If he is by himself that’s one thing, but he shouldn’t be hiding it from you while you’re there trying to be intimate with him. I personally think ‘adult films’ give an unrealistic image of sex. I also think it desensitizes people to a certain degree. It would bother me too. Sex with your husband has to be 100% open and honest. When there’s secrets that means there’s something to hide which means that he feels he needs to hide it from you for whatever reason. Have you thought about possible counseling? Its certainly something that can be resolved. Maybe you should try to express the need to be 100% open about sex and no secrets or hiding things. he was honest enough to speak about it with you so it sounds like he’s open for change possibly. Good luck. ♥️

While I don't think the adult films are the problem, it's the hiding it and using it while you were *with* him that is bothering you.

This is definitely something you should discuss with a licensed therapist - and with said therapist and your husband.

I'm sorry you're so hurt.

He might addicted to porn? As pp said it gives people unrealistic sexual thing which he is not sensitive to real person anymore. It’s not you for sure. Is he willing to drop his habit because it obviously making you feel insecure?


I told dh in our early relationship that I am 100% against porn because it made me feel very insecure and I find it gross to watch anyone else’s private parts and act. To me sex is sacred and our body are meant to be seen for our spouse. I am very kinky though. I keep designing, making and buying sex tools and lingeries, because I keep having fantasies and I want different things once in a while. Maybe you could try to arouse him differently?

My fiance watched adult films before meeting me (I was his first girlfriend). He was very insecure about it and when he told me he had watched them in the past it made him very nervous. But then I told him it was no big deal, because it isn't, and now we watch porn quit a lot together while getting intimate. It's fun for us and we really enjoy it! There is absolutely nothing wrong with it and you should try to watch some and see if you can get into it too!

Hi Veronica, this post seems to tie into your previous post. I'm guessing that this information came to light after a conversation about the other night. It's great that you both are communicating. Please continue to do so. This is a positive direction. Now all the cards are on the table and you can work together to come to a resolution.
I completely understand why this would make you uncomfortable. Though it's not wrong to watch adult films, watching them in secret while being intimate is. When two people are being intimate they should both be aware and comfortable with everything happening in that moment. It is not right to hide something from the other under any circumstance. Everything must be consensual.
Again, continue with the honest communication. Try to remove judgement and listen to each other. If you think it would be beneficial, speak to a therapist; together or separately. You're doing ok. 😊

View Quoted Comment This specific conversation came about after my husband had been drinking. He is always more open when he's had alcohol. Part of the problem is now I have no desire to have sex like at all. I feel really hurt.

View Quoted Comment I have noi issue with adult films. I have a problem with him watching them so he would be turned on. That makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

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It just really makes me uninterested in sex.

View Quoted Comment I think his honestly came because he was drinking when we had this conversation.

I think you need to discuss this more together, and if it’s your thing, see if this is something you can incorporate into your sex life.
I don’t necessarily think he is addicted to porn like someone else said (if he isn’t missing events or running late to everyday things because he’s watching it, then in my books it’s not an addiction) but it could just be something that above other things really gets him going and might have nothing to do with you. I personally don’t have a great libido (trying to figure this one out myself) and even though I love my partner dearly and am sexually attracted to him, but porn is a really doer for me - regardless of time of day or my mood, porn will 100% do the trick for me to put me in the mood. Your husband might just be the same to a degree!
In short - maybe try and embrace it? Speak to him, find out where you are both at with it, what degree you’re comfortable with it, if it’s something you could watch together etc.

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He says he hasn't watched it while I was pleasing him in a while, but not sure about before he comes to bed. I know I watch it when I'm by myself, but never to get in the mood to have sex with him. I don't think I would be comfortable watching it together at all.

View Quoted Comment Gotcha - that sentence hits on it more. I understand what you're saying. It's okay for your to feel that way - and very normal - but keeping the situation where it is may make the distance between you widen.


I echo therapy as a great tool, but if that is not in your budget or ability right now, start with talking. My partner loves adult films (can we not say p*rn here? lol), and sometimes it causes us tensions.
Feeling like he's not saving his energies for me, like he's building unrealistic expectations, etc. It's not something I think is wrong or dirty, just that it seems like he's not putting efforts my way due to that habit. Your situation sounded a bit similar.
What has helped for us is talking about the kind of intimate relationship we each want. *Not just sex.* In discussing it, we both really love just being affectionate all day - hugs, kisses, snuggling up. We do enjoy sex, but we've been together 10 years - it's just not a jump your bones situation. 😂 When we're wanting that time, we just ask/ indicate it. It's been really positive for us over the past year - and it's helping me let go of expectations like "if we don't do it X times a month, there MUST be a problem." Stuff is a problem if it's a problem for you guys - trying to compare is maddening, and no one is having the amount they claim.
Hope this helps!

View Quoted Comment That is totally ok! I think you guys just need to have an open conversation about it but otherwise try to be open to it and not think too far into it. I think right now you’re in a bit of shock possibly because it’s news to you at the moment, but perhaps after speaking to one another about it in more depth you might find the peace of mind you need?

View Quoted Comment Thanks for your help! I don't know if we are allowed to say it which is why I didn't.

View Quoted Comment I think part of the problem is that some of my insecurities stem from the fact that he's the only person I have been with which he doesn't understand because he has been with other people. He has made comments before how he feels like he's had to teach me things so that also adds to my insecurities so to find out he watched porn while we were being intimate only adds to other insecurities. In my view, sex is about being in love, but in his mind sex it is just sex. He doesn't feel that it has anything to do with whether you love the person or not.

View Quoted Comment The thing here is, your sexual history (or lack there of) and his, will not change. You need to conquer your insecurity and embrace the woman you are today! Just because you haven’t had other sexual partners doesn’t mean you aren’t a sex goddess
Although perhaps mention to him that you don’t want anymore comments about him teaching you things. I’ve been with a few people before I met my fiancée (and vice versa) and we’ve still taught each other a thing or two because that just naturally happens with no person is the same or likes the same things. In this context though, even if he doesn’t say it with malicious intent, I can understand how these type of comments will be perceived and I would too be unhappy to hear them.
Re sex being with someone you love, I think on that note you need to accept that you just have differing views. Despite being in a long term relationship and about to be married, like your husband I don’t think love is a pre-requisite to have sex. (Personally I think it’s an antiquated view and I think women especially should celebrate pleasure just because we can and don’t need a reason to experience it!) That doesn’t detract though from your sexual relationship with one another or make it any less special. After all, he married you, so clearly there’s more to you than any other woman he’s been with

View Quoted Comment You make very good points. I will try to not let this bother me, but I'm not sure how successful I will be. I have been around two girls he had slept with and it generally makes me feel insecure around them, but he tries reminding me that they don't mean anything. The one doesn't bother me as much because she was just a hookup. The other was actually his girlfriend and he hooked up with her when we were broken up for two months so I hate being around her. I guess it's easier for me to pretend like they don't exist. He doesn't have this issue because I don't have any past sexual experiences.