Ceelie
Expert August 2019

Husband is never really in the mood to..?

Ceelie , on September 4, 2019 at 6:09 PM Posted in Married Life 0 20
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Get down? So this is something I’ve quickly found out as I’ve only been married for a few days. Our sex drives do not line up at all. Surprisingly enough, we had enough energy on the wedding night. (Sorry if that’s tmi) probably because we ate and chilled for a bit after. But after that I feel like I’ve been the only one initiating it. He has once, but I’m just surprised. Before the wedding he was acting like it would be a regular thing in our routines and now he just seems uninterested? Kind of makes me feel insecure in a way, because I feel rejected when I initiate it and he’s not in the mood. Last night I tried, but today he told me he was half asleep and didn’t notice. Gah. I’ve talked to him about it twice now, today we argued about it. And I guess I just need to vent about it. We’re slowly trying to work it out.. but has anyone else had this problem? I thought my birth control would lower my sex drive but it seems to be doing the opposite!

20 Comments

Latest activity by Nicole, on September 7, 2019 at 10:28 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    He more tired lately and maybe that's why? Or something else on his mind personally?
    • Reply
  • Paula
    Super September 2019
    Paula ·
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    I'm certainly no expert in this area but I think it happens to most couples at some point. There could be a number of factors involved such as work related issues, stress, money. I wouldn't take it personally honestly. Have faith in the fact that he loves you and if it continues over a length of time you could suggest counseling.
    • Reply
  • A
    Expert January 2020
    Abby ·
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    So I’ve experienced this. Honestly the fight we got into was the biggest help. He realized how I felt bad about myself and how I was upset about it and he tries now. We still get off track every now and again. Sometimes he just isn’t saying what he needs to! Make sure he’s alright and nothing is on his mind.
    Hope this helps!
    • Reply
  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    You just got married last weekend right? Give it time. It’s an adjustment to settle into, especially if you didn’t regularly (or at all) have sex before you got married. Talk about how you’re feeling during the day when you’re both awake enough to have a conversation about it. Discuss expectations and limits. Don’t automatically make it an argument- that isn’t going to solve anything.
    • Reply
  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
    • Flag
    You're still super newlyweds and just moved in together recently, right? It could just be the adjustment period.
    I feel bad for my husband because our schedules don't line up so we don't get a whole lot of sexy time.
    • Reply
  • Chandra
    Master May 2019
    Chandra ·
    • Flag
    Forgot to add, maybe have some super cute lingerie that might pique his interest?? Works for my husband! Lol
    • Reply
  • Laura
    VIP November 2019
    Laura ·
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    You’ve been married almost no time at all. Give it time to let things settle a bit and you both to figure out what your sex drives really are. Fighting about it in the first week of marriage is ridiculous.
    • Reply
  • Misty
    Super October 2019
    Misty ·
    • Flag
    Issues that tons of people experience.

    Give it time. Do not take it to heart.

    And find a couples therapist that you guys like and go see them regularly.

    This and other issues are better managed with a healthy therapy routine.
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Devoted October 2021
    Danielle ·
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    Sometimes it’s just a matter of trust and understanding. I suffer from a few chronic illnesses and they can mess up my sex drive pretty bad at times and it isn’t always easy for my FH but he understands why and trusts me. It’s honestly a issue a lot of couples face and I think you should just talk to him and trust him until he gives you a reason not to or if the issue gets worse!
    • Reply
  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
    • Flag
    You just moved in together and got married 4 days ago. These are big changes to adjust to. Also, it's not uncommon to go through highs and lulls. Physical intimacy is important in a relationship, but I wouldn't start getting worried with less than a week of being out of sync.
    • Reply
  • S
    Savvy June 2019
    Sheila ·
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    I’m inferring from your post that you guys didn’t have sex before marriage or if you did, it wasn’t often. Talk to him. He could be stressed with changes in his routine, work, responsibilities, or even what he’s used to sexually. Not saying this is your man, but sometimes guys get so used to being turned on by their gf and then have to take care of themselves if they’re not sleeping with them, they become accustomed to their own touch. It’s easier and they know what’s going to make them feel good without having to explain it to someone else. Whatever it is communication is key. Tell him how it makes you feel and ways to improve it, without blaming it on him.
    • Reply
  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB ·
    • Flag
    I've been with my now H for 15 years. You are gonna have ebbs and flows and there is nothing wrong with that. Just keep conversation open and try to talk about your feelings rather than assigning blame. Don't worry, I'm sure he finds you desirable.
    If he think it's medical issue, there is no shame going to a doctor. A lot of men struggle with this.
    Sending hugs.
    • Reply
  • Devoted December 2019
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    How many times have you initiated to fight about it considering you JUST got married? Lol my fiancé and I have been living together for a little over 5 months and we’re honestly still adjusting to this. And that’s OKAY! We definitely get down at least once a week, but we would both like it to be more. As long as I ahem....release I really don’t care how many times a week hahaha It’s just hard to find the time when both of us work full time jobs. Two nights of the week I get home at 8:30 at night, and on Friday nights I get home at 7 and half of the time I have work the next morning. There isn’t much time and he doesn’t blame me for that! And I don’t get upset when he’s too tired too! Quality over quantity is what we always say!
    • Reply
  • Ceelie
    Expert August 2019
    Ceelie ·
    • Flag

    Thanks so much for the input ladies! We actually had a nice long talk last night about it and he totally understands where I'm coming from, and vise versa. We are definitely on the same page now and I feel soooo much better. Thank you for all the supportSmiley heart Smiley shame

    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Master December 2020
    Amanda ·
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    It's really hard to say as there are so many possibilities. My fiance and I have had this issue before as well but because I have a low sex drive and he doesn't. We have compromised like how he doesn't initiate ALL the time and I agree to go forward most of the times he does, but its rare that I initiate. I don't know much of ya'lls background but we have known this about eachother for a while and have had lots of communication around it. If ya'll have just started having fun, it's going to take more time! If you just moved in together, he may be stressed and handling everything, maybe he's getting sick, or is like me in general. So many possibilities, give it time and don't take it personally! Maybe dicuss things he likes to do or try during, spend more time giving or doing the first bits vefore the whole thing. Etc. Goodluck!!! Smiley heart
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    Don't stress about it. my FH and I have been together for just over 6 years and and we go through "phases". Mostly because we work 65 plus hours a week. Sometimes its weeks before we sync up again. Of course, the most common variables could play into that. When my FH and I talk bout it, we try not to fight about it. To me, it's not worth the migraine. However, we keep nothing from each other and 30 minutes out of the day or an hour we talk bout how the day actually went and how angry we got. (it's mostly work) If something bothers you, he should be open and receptive to what you're saying as should you. I'd give it some time, but don't feel rejected. Try not to have that kind of weight heavy on your heart. He asked you to spend the rest of your lives together. AND you are absolutely stunning! don't ever forget it!

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  • Michaela
    Super May 2020
    Michaela ·
    • Flag

    We go through ups and downs too.. sometimes I think I'm hinting very obviously but he doesn't get it (or is pretending he doesn't because he doesn't want to). I would just keep talking about it. Sometimes literally asking is better than hinting at it. If he says no, don't get discouraged! There's a thousand different reasons someone isn't in the mood. Communicating about the wants and the don't wants will not only strengthen your relationship, but it will also help your sex life!

    • Reply
  • Michaela
    Super May 2020
    Michaela ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Quality over quantity is great advice!!

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  • Chinda
    Devoted November 2020
    Chinda ·
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    I’ve been with my FH for 13 years. We’ve been having sex since 2 weeks after dating. We would have sex constantly until about 6/7 years ago. There’s times i just want to have sex and he used to push me away and say he didn’t notice. We also argued. I didn’t realized it til he actually sat down and talked to me. Maybe your husband is still adjusting to the marriage? When FH sat down he told me he was upset because of work, stress, money, bills, etc. because of all of that that makes the sex drive drop a bit. Same with us women. When we’re upset or angry or when something is on our mind we don’t think about sex and if our partner wanted to have sex we reject them without knowing. I can relate to your situation. Give it some time without sex and try to communicate on dates or movie nights it’ll help out.
    • Reply
  • Nicole
    Super October 2021
    Nicole ·
    • Flag

    This can definitely happen from both sides. Like a pp said you get "out of sync" it has happend with FH and I. I usually just explain my needs and he explains his, we meet in the middle and before we know it we're back on track.


    it is frustrating and I understand what you mean by feeling rejected, but you have to give him grace and remember you might not always be in the mood in the future.


    Don't stress it Smiley heart it'll work out. But definitely have an open discussion about it.

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