Hurt Mother of the Groom Not Hosting Rehearsal Dinner

The ironic thing is my husband and I gave a little money towards the wedding. They are probably using some of that money to host the rehearsal dinner.

Did the couple not mention anything before this? That seems very strange and selfish.


A lot of people will argue that all wedding tradition everywhere is archaic and needs to be thrown out the window and everyone else can deal with it. Those same people say that unless you have an expensive elaborate rehearsal dinner that is the same formality as the wedding reception, then it’s not good enough. There is no one size fits all. Your feelings are valid. Have you talked to your son since this information was given? It’s entirely possible that the bride has her own vision of what it should be, but they should have come to you and discussed everything out in the open. Moving forward you have to decide what is best for you and the relationship you plan to have with them.

We haven't talked. Maybe he is hurt because I said it was expensive to attend. I don't know. The silent treatment I guess. Thank you for saying my feelings are valid. The bride wants something very casual ..no table cloths. He is my only child. She is one of 6. Pizza is okay with me, but I wanted the table to be pretty and look nice in pictures and be memorable. Nothing fancy..table cloths, flower arrangements and maybe some toasts at the rehearsal dinner.

A few months ago I found a decoration for the rehearsal dinner...a banner that said One More Day. I texted the Bride and asked her how she liked it. She texted back that she would rather have decorations at the rehearsal dinner that she could use the next day at the wedding. I thought the text from her a little strange, but I texted back maybe we could flowers that could be used both days. I think she thought the banner was extravagant but I think it could get use at other events..birthdays, graduations ect. It is a small banner $15.00

Hi - I was wondering - how casual is the wedding? Is it a possibility that they want to make sure the rehearsal dinner doesn't outshine the main event for lack of better terms?

I think communication is needed and you shouldn't have been surprised like this

I hope you are able to talk to your son.

Thank you. I feel better just posting about the situation. I had asked him how many people would be attending the rehearsal dinner and he never responded. In this last text from the Bride, she said the number would be small. I think it would be around 12 people and 4 would not be from her family. So maybe because it is mostly her family she wants it casual. The wedding is in a tent, there is a food truck and a DJ. They got table cloths and linens for the wedding, but not for the rehearsal dinner. And I had asked my son to get some. He should have told me then that I was not the hostess for the event. Because of my age I guess, I would feel strange there, not being the hostess as the Mother of the Groom. And not having the table be nice. I am better off not going.

View Quoted Comment I agree with this. Typically the rehearsal dinner is very casual. Something held at a local pizza parlor or Chinese restaurant, whatever the couple prefers. Fancy decor such as flowers, banners, table cloths, even pro photography are not really that common and it may be more extravagant than she envisioned.


Either way, you need to have open communication with them. Be prepared for many circumstances in the future where you all will have opposite views but giving each other the silent treatment is not the mature way to resolve anything in a healthy manner.

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I agree with this. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but reading between the lines, is it possible they felt that the rehearsal dinner was getting out of control and no longer felt like 'them' or that, possibly, it was becoming more formal than the wedding itself?

It sounds like they want something relaxed and casual and the event you were planning was not any of those things.

Also, it was very thoughtful of you to provide money for the event, but unless you specified what it was to pay for, they may have felt it was a gift, and freely given.

Whilst I understand how disappointing this must be for you, I am a little confused by one comment - that it will be too expensive for you to attend. How is that so, if you were previously to have hosted the event, which likely would have cost much more than simply attending as a guest? I think you need to speak with your son and explain how hurt and disappointed this has made you, but I do think you will regret not attending in the long run.

I hope you are able to resolve this with your son and his soon to be wife.

Thank you everyone. The venue is the hall of the church. The rehearsal dinners I attended in my 20's were at moderate restaurants. We had nice sit down meals. We were going to have this catered at the church..or that is what my son and I discussed. it is a small town. They may not even have pizza. it is quite rural. i didn't know people didn't make the table look pretty...not even a table cloth? My husband is disabled. i need to hire a nurse to stay with him and it would be an extra night in the hotel for us. For such a casual event, that is mostly the Bride's family I don't see leaving my husband or paying for the extra night in the hotel. I would be 40 minutes from my husband. As hostess, we were willing to do this. As a regular attendee, I don't think it is worth being this far from my husband. He has ALS.

Wedding Wire has some pretty fancy rehearsal dinner table set ups. I wasn't thinking of anything like these set ups.

What is the importance of tablecloths to you? You seem kind of fixated on what you wanted for this dinner, but it's their wedding.

I'm sure you'll be missed at the rehearsal dinner, but I'm really hoping your non-attendance is not meant as a way of punishing the wedding couple. I would really advise going to the dinner, and making the best of it for the sake of your son.

It was nice of you to contribute toward wedding costs, but hopefully there are no strings attached to that gift.

I really hope that things with you and your son improve. This is a precious time, and it would be a shame to waste it being hurt and upset.

We are doing our rehearsal dinner at a Mexican restaurant (actually the one we had our first date at and where he propsed), not really planning on any decorations for it. We had both my FHs father and mother (who are divorced) offer to pay for the rehearsal dinner and alcohol so to prevent any possible arguments we took his mom up on her offer for the rehearsal dinner and his dad up on the alcohol. I am sure you will be missed. Sounds like what you were planning for the rehearsal dinner didnt match what they had in mind for the wedding. Do the table cloths have some sort of special importance? Are the tables at the location in that bad of condition?

"I would be a little more formal than they are planning to be": THIS IS the reason why they decided to host it , in my opinion. They probably want to decide what the level of formality will be, and even more important, the guest count..

In fact, my fiancé and I are also hosting it (a welcome dinner, we're not having a wedding party nor a reharsal) because we know his parents would have invited at least 50 persons vs 25- 30 on our guest list and they would have done a formal dinner whereas we are hosting a "semi-formal" wedding.
I get why you're hurt but I get even more why the bride and her fiancé want to plan it their way. I would have sided with you if you would have wanted to plan it keeping their wants in mind, rather than yours.T

he fact you help them pay for the wedding a reason for them to do what YOU want (by that, I mean hosting the RD). Money should be a real gift, no strings attached. this is NOT a gift if you're expecting certain things in return.Get over it and be happy for your son. Think about the big picture:Their happiness matters more than what you want, honestly.A rehearsal dinner is not what matters the most during the whole event, seriously.

Thank you everyone for your comments. The money was a real gift. There were no strings attached to it. I had other money for the rehearsal dinner. The venue was a venue they chose and I could care less what we eat. The table setting was important to me, but obviously not to them. With all else that I have going on with my husband, I plan to skip the event. We are trying to get my husband to the wedding and this will take a lot of my energy. I will put my energy into this. Thank you again for all your comments.

Do you want to skip it because of "the energy you need" about getting your hubby to the wedding, or is it a revenge because they didn't care what you thought and didn't care much about how you feel?
Are you sure "the energy you need for your hubby" prevents you from attending the RD?
As I said above, I get the fact you're hurt since this is a traditional parents of the groom duty and I feel you were excited about it... but are you OK with the idea of causing a rift with your son and furure daughter-I-L over this and the fact they might not forgive you because , excuse me, q sounds like a very childish behavior?
I also think that a wedding, along with the planning process are one of the few times in one's life where being selfish and not considering other opinions, is acceptable.If you don't care what they think about you not attending, so be it.

No it is not revenge. My husband is quite ill. The decision to attend in the first place was tenuous. We are older people and his illness does take quite a bit of my energy. I am exhausted taking care of my husband. He uses a ventilator, hoyer lyft ect. It is important to have help that is familar with those things. Sometimes he chokes and has a suction machine and cough assist machine.

View Quoted Comment Is it possible for the bride and groom to have the ceremony live streamed over FaceTime or some other service so that you don’t need to transport him? Have you talked to his doctor about getting a home health nurse to help out?

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I wholly agree with some of the other commentators that the communication between the bride and groom and yourself should have been better so that earlier on in the planning they could have informed you that they intended to host the rehearsal dinner without such decision taking you aback later on after you'd already started thinking about how you were going to do things and thus got excited about the planning of it. In that regard, I can appreciate that you had it all planned out in your head and are now understandably disappointed that it won't come into fruition because they instead want to host the event themselves.

With that said, unlike some other posters, I don't see their actions as "strange" or "selfish" - while they should have informed you of this decision earlier on in the planning, I don't see anything selfish about the bride and groom wanting to host their own rehearsal dinner, regardless of whether they use their own money to pay for it or some of the money you gifted them for the wedding.

I am a little bit confused though - I fully appreciate that your husband is ill and requires care, thus it is not easy for you to be away from him, but why is it that now you aren't hosting you now believe it will be too expensive going and not worth it even though it is in the same venue? Tablecloths and flowers don't make an event memorable - the people do. He is your only son and while you are rightfully disappointed about how the planning of the rehearsal dinner has panned out, I think that you will unintentionally cause friction by not attending the event. Ultimately it is up to you - do you want your son to remember his rehearsal dinner for having a great time there with people who love and support him, such as yourself, or do you want him to remember the rehearsal dinner as the event that his mother didn't attend because she was angry about not hosting and having no tablecloths?

I hate to put it so bluntly but that is exactly how it comes across.

Wedding Wire has articles and pictures of tables of rehearsal dinners. Table cloths and flowers add to the ambiance of an event. They say this event is not a regular Friday or Saturday night get together. This event is special and worthy of more. Wedding Wire certainly has pictures and articles to this direction. I know some of you are young and think table cloths and flowers stuffy. And some flower arrangements done by the florists are stuffy.....much better to do your own. i know some of you are on limited budgets, but a little decoration adds spirit and life to an event. A little decoration shows you put some care into entertaining your guests. The Decorations need not be expensive and can be DIY....all the better really. And as far as how it comes across...if the bride and groom don't know I love them....them they probably never will. And I have my life to lead. And I stand by decorations and table cloths.

View Quoted Comment The fact that you’re willing to let tablecloths and decorations be the hill you die on for this rehearsal dinner speaks more about you than about your son and daughter-in-law. It doesn’t matter what wedding wire says or what photos you’ve searched for. Every bride and groom are different and it sounds like your son and his future wife know what they want and that’s okay- even if it isn’t what you want. You can certainly choose not to attend but choosing not to attend isn’t going to have anything to do with your husband or you already wouldn’t have been attending before your son and FDIL decided to pay for it on their own.