This is a long one but I’ll try and keep it to the point as much as possible, there’s allot to pack in to fully explain the situation.
Please by kind as I feel broken by this and I know allot of people will probably go for the throat.
So, myself and my husband have been together for 14 years and got engaged about 7 years ago. Three years ago we panned our wedding. (I held off planning as I never thought it would be easy to get married and have my mum and dad/step mum there together due to past history, but my dad was no longer in the picture so felt I could now go ahead)
We booked a venue but had to cancel it due to the wedding co-ordinator just never turning up for appointments. We then found a second venue/new date, I planned the wedding for the next year. All was good (although I was a bit worried about paying for it as we didn’t have allot of money)
This is where it goes wrong. My mil came to me and said she wanted to arrange my hen do, my mum also wanted to be involved. I’m quite an introverted person so was a bit anxious about everything anyway but thought that was nice. Mil didn’t want to go anywhere busy, said what about a movie night and shopping in the day in the local town. My mum thought that was a bit boring. It wasn’t my thing either to be honest and I wanted a bit more party vibe, but I didn’t want to upset anyone. I felt stressed and stuck in the middle. I do tend to feel guilty and please my mum. I phoned mil in tears and said this, she said just do whatever you want to do, it’s your day. So I did, I booked a day with different activities, made sure it wasn’t much walking between places so it wants too busy for mil. All fine.
Fast forward to 6 weeks before the wedding and we get an email from the venue saying they had sold the business and were cancelling all wedding bookings. We had to pay most of our suppliers in full two weeks after. I immediately started looking for other venues, hoping by some miracle I could find the same date. (Already a little embarrassed about changing the date the first time)
Mil sort of knew the manager of our venue, took it upon herself to call him. He said the current and new owners had a big fall out and so everything was a mess, but he would make sure our wedding still goes ahead with the new owners. That she should only contact him through his personal email not the venue as his current bosses wouldn’t be happy. We would be refunded for the wedding we had paid for with them and he would then be in touch with her.
All this was said through my mil, not to us.
I never heard from him, It all felt odd to me and I was freaking out about the money I was about to pay to everyone, with no granteed venue. But knew she was just trying to save the day.
A week went passed and we received the refund. I admit I was getting cold feet, I was saying to husband that I didn’t know what to do and he was getting stressed by my indecisiveness. Which I tend to do when I’m anxious. We did decide in the end to hang on though and try to go ahead with the guys plan.
Then after another few days of nothing and deadlines getting shorter, I did something silly and phoned the venue, the lady on the phone was so angry and said all weddings had been cancelled and she had just lost her job so my wedding wasn’t her top priority. I felt awful.
I messaged mil, I said it didn’t seem right, that all staff had been made redundant.
She phoned me, a little angrily and said the manager had been on the phone to her and wasn’t happy I phoned the venue, that it put him in a difficult position. And she had told me not too. She was talking to me like a child and I saw red, I told her I wasn’t even sure I wanted it to go head anymore and we couldn’t afford it anyway. She got cross, I hung up the phone. I told my husband that I knew she was trying to help but I just wanted to handle it now.
I said, can I message her and ask her to step back a bit. He said ok and seemed cool with that. I did and apologised for hanging up and being stressed.
The next day I got a message saying she wouldn’t be coming to my hen do, she would give everything she had bought to my mum. She blamed it on a falling out she had with my sil the year before and that my mum had said there was still a problem between them. So she was steeping back so there was no awkwardness.
I was so angry, I had never once had a cross word with my mil, always tried to please her, I just wanted to know what was happening with my own wedding. I had a row with husband, (it was stupid timing of me because it was his birthday) I told him his mum was being petty because I asked her to step back. He said she felt I was being ungrateful and she was left out. she hadn’t done anything wrong. That she didn’t want to do what I was doing on my hen do anyway, she would rather save the money for her holiday. I was so upset.
The following morning he came downstairs and told me he’s not marrying me like this, it’s not going ahead. In the heat of the moment I told him it was over if he didn’t. He said that was blackmail and he wasn’t doing it. He then just left for work, left me crying in a state with our three little kids around me, thinking our wedding plans were cancelled.
It all suddenly became too much, I felt betrayed by him, that the first sign of stress he did this. That he wouldn’t try to defuse the situation with his mum or defend me.
I felt humiliated and that I couldn’t muck the suppliers around with a new date a second time. It was all too much. So I sat there and called my hen do off on the WhatsApp group. I told everyone it was due to a row with mil. Then I cancelled the suppliers.
My mum came round to calm me down and I told her what I had done, she said why did you cancel it? I told her he won’t marry me anymore and she said he just phoned and also doesn’t know why your cancelled it. He came home and said he only wanted to postpone the wedding. I said, that is not how it came across.
That I had waited for 5 years, I wanted to have the wedding I had planned for so long on that date. He refused and said it wasn’t the time, I feel like I should have left him then and there. I didn’t…
I messaged mil a long message a few days later when she asked me why the wedding wasn’t going head? And that husband was so upset by it all, (in a polite way) I replied saying that we had a rowed over her not coming to the hen do. That she can blame my family member but actually the real reason she wouldn’t come is because I asked her to let me deal with the wedding and she felt pushed out. She didn’t answer or try to sort it out. Husband said she had sent him the messages and that I was mental for bombarding his mum. I said I didn’t bombard, I was trying to sort it out and she’s annoyed because I called her out on her true reasons.
I was depressed for weeks, my friend had booked her wedding day the week before when mine was supposed to be (that also upset me a bit at the time)
I got through it on the day. But the hate I felt towards my husband while I sat there watching her happy was unreal!
I left it a few months but felt so sad. So so sad. I told him I wanted to get married, I just wanted to have the same name as my kids, (get rid of my dad’s name) and be a family. His mum still hadn’t spoken to me and he said he thought we should wait (though he did nothing to improve the situation) I said we could do it really low key, I just wanted to be married. I was not in my usual state at all.
I arranged it all for three months later. Not long enough when I was trying to do it single handed with three young kids. I only really had my mum to help and I basically pushed her away a bit, too embarrassed to make anything of the day even though I wanted to. I feel bad I deprived her of doing things with me now.
I arranged a quick registry office ceremony with just immediate family and and meal after at a pub. They said we could rent their marquee, it would be the end of March but they said they could put heaters in there. Then we were going to invite a few friends along for the evening. Husband didn’t seem to get very involved in helping and just thought I had it all under control, didn’t hear a thing from husband’s family. It was already going to be a small wedding or around 40 the first time but this time I really called it back out of shame.
It was bad timing as well because my husband’s nan then died three weeks before, so his sister/ mum didn’t even say if they were coming or not until the week before.
Husband always said he didn’t want to do a speech. This time he said he wasn’t even having a best man as there was no point as it was small, and wasn’t inviting many friends. I didn’t have a bridesmaid, I thought I didn’t have to as there would be someone from the venue to guide the day along anyway. So the only thing I said I definitely wanted was a cake cutting. So there was at least something wedding like happening to break the day up.
I just felt so unloved and anxious. I worried about something going wrong again or that he would pull out.
I got told the day before that the lady that had been planning my wedding with me wouldn’t be there on the day but a team member would be.
We get to the day, I just go get ready at my mums house with my daughter. I felt very alone, just upstairs on the bed trying to do my makeup. My sil agreed to do my wedding photos, so she was there which was a comfort. My step dad also put a ribbon on his car.
Got to the registry office and I didn’t know where to go so I ended up waiting in the hall way. All the guests came in and had to walk past me to get in, so everyone saw me. Mil barely spoke to me (this was the first time I had seen her since the falling out) it felt horrible and tense, I wanted to cry.
Then it turned out because we had booked a micro ceremony myself and my husband had to have our pre meeting together, so we saw each other before anyway in the office. Which I didn’t want.
Came out and everyone had taken the kids in the room-they were supposed to walk down the aisle with me but they were in there sat down already, so I left it.
My brother walked me down, I felt sick the whole ceremony because of my nerves and the fact it wasn’t what I wanted. But the celebrant was nice at least.
We then went to a local lake and had some photos taken, it was raining and freezing as it was February but not the end of the world.
Then we got to the venue, I wanted to cry. It was so cold in there, it looked bare, there were hardly any decorations. I bought allot and owner said it would be enough to fill it but it just looked awful. The lady was also sorting the flowers on the tables, there were barely any.
Also my cake, again that the venue was doing was nothing like what I had asked for. It just looked a mess.
My mum was ill, so wasn’t enjoying it, food wasn’t very nice. My friends kept saying how expensive the drinks were and showing me their receipt. Everyone said they were cold.
Husbands family just sat on a table in the corner, they wouldn’t really let my sil take their photos, instead just taking them on their phones. After the meal my mum went home to get changed, a staff member just came over and put some plates in my hand and said “cut the cake whenever your ready” I thought they were going to help me round people up but he just walked away. I didn’t want to do it without my mum so waited. My husband was having a talk with his family so I just mingled, feeling out of place at my own wedding.
One of his sisters just got really drunk and flirted with everyone. She wore a really cut out dress and came up to me and said “I know I look like a s**t but I don’t care” that was it, that’s all she said all day, other than causing a bit of a scene and not wanting to put her drink down for the group photo.
By the time the evening came we had to leave the marquee as they said they needed to get it ready for the next day. I ended up having to move all the decorations inside by myself, the staff just stood there joking behind the bar, watching me. Some of my family helped me but husband’s family just sat there.
I’m quite quiet and also don’t want to come across as a bridzilla, so didn’t say anything. That’s one thing I’ve learnt from this experience, that I need to open my mouth more!
We did cut the cake just the two of us in a side room later on and had a photo taken. I mainly just danced with the kids in the evening as husband and everyone was outside as the venue was so small. Mum went and sat with her friends in the corner and it just didn’t seem very party ish. I wanted a disco etc but couldn’t have one here. I was disappointed as that was the main part of the day I was looking forward too. A proper celebration and party.
That night while hubby was passed out drunk I just burst into tears, it’s like the last 4 months had just hit me. I felt so upset, the day wasn’t anything I had originally planned. I didn’t get to dance, to cut my cake properly or throw my bouquet or have confetti. We didn’t have a honeymoon as we have the kids and no one to have them. (My mum paid for me to have the night in a hotel) but husband wanted to just get home straight away in the morning.
Basically it felt like no one cared much about what I wanted, no one wanted to help me. And just for one day of my life I wanted that, to not just be mum and general dogs body but for someone to want me to be happy.
His family (except his dad) didn’t even get us a wedding card. I’ve just felt hated and not part of the family since then. Me and his mum still don’t really speak, we say niceties when we see each other but it won’t be like we were. We both are doing this act to tolerate each other.
I messaged the lady at the venue about what I wasn’t happy with and she said because she wasn’t there she couldn’t comment on what I’d said. She said if I had wanted someone to guide the day I would have had to pay more. That wasn’t told to me.
It sounds selfish but I just wanted one day, one day with family getting on. I’ve never had a birthday party, never went to prom or anything like that mainly because I never like to be the centre of attention or was anxious. But that was my one day, the one wedding I would ever have to have everything nice and have some happy memories forever.
I’ve tried AI to edit the wedding photos to make it all look better, but looking at the photos makes me angry or just cry.
People say it’s just a day, your marriage is what matters, but I look at the photos and it just reminds me he didn’t have my back or support me though dealing with a difficult situation, he didn’t care how much I was hurting and took the first wedding (the one I wanted away from me). He still says he and his mum did nothing wrong in that situation. While I have admitted my part in it and really hate myself for it. The regret eats me up, it feels painful.
I just keep thinking how different our relationship would be now if that day had gone to plan. I would be happy and feel secure.
It’s like the day he said he wouldn’t go through with it changed everything and I haven’t felt the same about him since. I was stupid to think a quick wedding would sort that and as long as we were married it would repair. I just can’t trust him now. And it breaks my heart.
He knows I didn’t like the wedding, it was hard not to know with how much I cried after. He said he thought it was what I wanted, I said I just agreed to whatever I thought he would go along with at that stage, through fear he would never marry me, how pathetic is that?
He said we can have an anniversary party or something one day but it won’t be the same, it won’t be a wedding will it. And like the wedding I’ll just feel like I’m dragging him through it. And It will feel stupid now that there’s this big split in the family.
I just wish I could redo it, be happy with it. Now if anything bad happens, (and we have been through allot together), it just comes back to all the above and how he made me feel. Maybe I just don’t love him anymore and that’s why I can’t move on from this after two years.
Anyway sorry for such a long post. Any advice, other than simply telling me to get over it and look to the future? I’ve really tried but I can’t forgive 😢