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Future Mrs.Randolph
Dedicated February 2022

How much arguing is too much

Future Mrs.Randolph, on January 12, 2021 at 11:18 AM Posted in Married Life 0 13
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Of course it is normal for a couple to disagree at times even me and my FH can sometimes not be on the same page, but how would much disagreeing and how much arguing is too much though?

13 Comments

Latest activity by Samantha, on January 22, 2021 at 11:11 PM
  • Expert September 2021
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    I love that you’re open and honest about this! We have never been a very argumentative couple, but when my fiancé and I first got engaged we had a season of bickering over the smallest things. He finally sat me down and told me that I was so intensely planning a wedding that it was driving me crazy - and he was not wrong. I’ve learned to enjoy being engaged and not let the little things get to you. At the end of the day, the small details don’t mean anything. Of course you can plan and be sure of what you want, but don’t forget it’s his day too. That’s where I got stressed the most. Try to give in to his wants as much as you can. The wedding day isn’t worth the argument! Good luck gal!
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle Online ·
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    It's normal to have differences of opinion, whether trivial or more serious. You can have those all day everyday as separate individuals as long as you are united in your core ethics and morals. Outright arguing happens on occasion. It should not be a frequent occurrence. If it is, then something else is going on and therapy is needed to get to the root of the issue.
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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn Online ·
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    I think that it’s less about how frequently you argue and more about how you argue. I believe there’s a huge difference between a disagreement and a fight. As long as you’re having respectful, productive conversations and the goal is to come to a mutual understanding, I think that’s perfectly healthy. If there’s name calling, blame, and the goal is to win, that’s an issue.
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  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle Online ·
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    I agree with pp. my husband and i have actually very little in common in terms of trivial things haha so we have a ton of differences. we don't argue about them, so much as we talk it out to come to a mutually beneficial solution.

    so in other words, if your disagreements are resolved productively then that's the main point

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  • Violetstorme
    Dedicated October 2022
    Violetstorme ·
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    Arguments/disagreements/bickering are bound to happen, especially in extremely stressful situations in which a lot of change happens very quickly for reasons beyond your control. Every couple is different though. My FH and I have a rule that no matter what we disagreed about we will never go to bed before reaching a resolution no matter how big or small. In my opinion though, it instantly becomes too much if any form of violence or abuse becomes involved be it mental or physical.

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  • Lisa
    Super October 2021
    Lisa ·
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    I agree with this 100%.

    My fiancé and I have never really been the arguing type. Yes we bicker and we do not agree on everything. But over the years we have learned how to have a civil conversation about whatever the issue is and work it out.

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  • Jai Butcher
    Rockstar May 2020
    Jai Butcher ·
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    My hubby and I mainly bicker. It rarely turns into a yelling match. Last time we yelled it was about politics lol and that was awhile ago. For me, in my past I've been with someone and we argued weekly. I would say arguing daily or even a few times a week is too much; for example my previous relationship was arguing about 2-3x a week and it didn't work.
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  • C
    Rockstar January 2019
    Cassidy ·
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    My husband and I disagree/get mad at each other a lot. Little things like can’t decide on dinner, loaded the dishwasher wrong, etc. but big arguments/fights we’ve had 3 maybe 4 in the 6 years we’ve been together. And really only 2 were an actual fight. My husband likes to instigate and push my buttons and a couple times he’s pushed too far.
    People fight, but Having open communication is critical. Sharing when and why you are feeling upset or hurt I think helps keep the fighting to a minimum. This was hard for me. And I’d spend a lot of time mad about dumb stuff until I finally burst when we first started dating.
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  • mrswinteriscoming
    Rockstar December 2021
    mrswinteriscoming ·
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    I don’t think there is any exact answer to your question of ‘how much is too much’ because it is quite dependent on the circumstances. If there are regular, heated arguments about anything and everything, or if there are few arguments but about very important non-negotiable subjects, I would say that would tip the line for me. It also would depend on how you respond and recover from the argument together.

    I have a friend who I honestly think is heading for divorce as her husband and her argue about absolutely everything. He so much as breathes and she loses it at him, meanwhile he criticises her and argues with her over trivial things. For me that would be something I probably would not be happy with as I feel it would turn love into hate and resentment in due course.

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  • Rebecca
    Rockstar August 2019
    Rebecca ·
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    Everyone disagrees, and sometimes even argue.

    Too much is whatever YOU feel is too much. When it feels like it interferes with your day, your relationship, your everyday life.

    Couples counseling is good even if you *aren't* arguing.

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  • Katie
    Dedicated October 2022
    Katie ·
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    I think where I would draw the line is if in the process of fighting, I feel like my spouse is consistently losing respect for me. I will admit as readily as anyone else that I've said regrettable things in a fit of temper, but it happens very rarely and I apologize profusely when I do and make sure my partner knows I love and respect him. If I didn't get the sense that his love and respect for me was winning out over his need to be right and make his point, that would be where serious intervention needs to take place.

    I am currently reading John Gottman's "7 Principles for Making Marriage Work", and though I'm not that far into the book he says that the predictor of divorce wasn't how much couples argue or even how loud they get when they do - it basically comes down to having a "set point" of trust and respect that the couple has as a foundation, so even when things get heated they know that it isn't about their relationship or their partner's respect for them. The more consistently negative interactions you have with your partner, the lower your set point is - and that's when fights become more damaging because you don't have that well of security in your relationship to return to. I'd highly recommend the book to anyone on this discussion board, married already or not - John Gottman is a well-known relationship scientist who brings years' worth of data to each of his recommendations and it's a very cool approach.

    For our part, we don't actually fight all that much - we argue a bunch sometimes because we both kind of like to debate each other, but typically about news/current events and not things important to our relationship. I do have a habit of raising my voice when I'm anxious, and I need to be better about that because yelling at him isn't fair. But because we do have a high baseline of trust, we can even recover from that pretty quickly.

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  • Janessa
    Dedicated November 2022
    Janessa ·
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    Lately me mad my fiancé argue about every little
    Stupid damn thing . And then it becomes silence and distance for a while which I cannot
    Stand , but I guess I have toRespect everyone’s boundaries . I mostly have an aggressive temper ... I like to solver problems out when they happen , and my partner Is not way. I wouldn’t say there is a set number of times, but if you two can bounce back from an argument , and it won’t make you question whether this is something as a deal breaker .. just work on communication and maintain respect ( as I’ve learned )
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  • Samantha
    Super October 2022
    Samantha Online ·
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    If it turns into name calling and any kind of aggression (throwing things, etc) that’s too much for me.
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