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Beginner April 2024

Fiance is grieving

Maddelayne, on January 4, 2024 at 6:03 AM Posted in Married Life 0 4

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My fiance is 36 years old and has never lived by himself before. His father died years ago and he lives with his mother 60yo and sister 28yo, both healthy and financially independent. They are too close.

He is depressed about leaving them, and worried that “mother will die alone”. They depend on him emotionally as the male figure in their lives and have been acting very needy lately.
I have lived by myself before so to me this is all a big unnecessary drama, I mean I know they will keep on seeing each other anyways and they will keep on fighting for his attention.
Because of this grieving situation he has not paid much attention to me or the wedding, I mean he makes the payments and goes out with me but emotionally he is having a hard time accepting that I am his new family, he acts like he wants nothing to change and to keep being part of that family only. He wants me to accept his mother’s rules. I told him he needs to prioritize me now as his future wife but he still doesn’t get it, almost like he feels like he is betraying them.
Do you think this is temporary - part of the grieving stage and I should be more supportive?

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4 Comments

Latest activity by Rae, on January 8, 2024 at 9:25 AM

Master July 2019
Hannah · on January 4, 2024 at 12:49 PM
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Girl, you are a more patient woman than me. It seems like that family is way too enmeshed. What are these mother’s rules that he wants you to accept? I would quite honestly put wedding planning on pause and go to couples counseling, as he doesn’t sound like he’s actually ready for marriage and moving out of his mother’s house.
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CM · on January 4, 2024 at 1:40 PM
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I agree with all of this.
OP In your place I would see these things as glaring red flags and at the very least put the wedding on hold and seek counseling. I would never marry someone with his mentality so unless you see signs that he is very motivated to change, I'd be rethinking the entire relationship.
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Super December 2022
LM · on January 4, 2024 at 2:11 PM
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They say people can go through a type of grieving process when they move out of their childhood homes. That said, your wedding is 4 months away? I would book a couples counselor ASAP who can help you two navigate through these transitions as a team. Perhaps your partner can have his own counselor as well. Also, moral rules should not surpass personal boundaries. He should accept that if you don't like his Mom's rules for her home, then you two should meet elsewhere that is neutral like the home you will build together. Good luck.
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Dedicated June 2018
Rae · on January 8, 2024 at 9:25 AM
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Only time will tell if this is temporary, but you need to ask yourself what you will do if it isn't. It's good that you're seeing this now before getting married so you can make that decision. If he is still acting this way and expressing these feelings as you approach the wedding, I would not expect his views to change. He's being very open and honest with you - I would believe what he's saying.
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