Engagement/bridal Shower- who is responsible?

We did not have an engagement party but my MOH is planning my bridal shower, I’m not sure what’s 100% traditional but that’s how it’s working for us!

It’s meant to be the Maid of Honor who plans all of these events, but in my case, I vouched for not having that or bridesmaids (knowing it would be a financial strain on them).
My mother is my Matron of Honor and tried setting up a bridal shower for me, but I didn’t want one. Also as far as I know, the bridesmaids are supposed to help a bit financially with smaller things, but again that’s up to you entirely.

Since we’re opting not to have a Wedding Party, my Mom is planning the Bridal Shower and my In-Laws are planning the Engagement Party and Rehearsal Dinner!

We didn't have an engagement party so not sure who hosts those but the bridal shower can be hosted by anyone who chooses to throw one for you. My mom is throwing my mine with the help of my MOH (my younger sister) and my bridesmaid (my sister). I'm not sure how involved my other bridesmaids are. I too am out of state from most of my bridal party and my family but I'm still having one held , a virtual shower .

Anyone can throw a shower, it isn't anyone's responsibility.
If you are strictly conforming to etiquette, then a shower should only be thrown by a person outside of your family. It is seen as rude to ask for gifts. However, today, more often it is seen as an event to get together, in that case it would be more like a 'bridal' brunch or tea, non gift giving events. Should you like to have one of these events, you just have to be tactful in the way you voice your desire. Also, please remember that only people invited to the wedding should be invited to any wedding related events.

Had an engagement party at my parents house and my mom and future mother in law did most of the set up and everything but we (bride and groom) also helped out a lot and assisted with the food cost. My MOH and mom will be planning my shower.

I think it’s anyone who wants to host can host

My understanding is that by tradition, the bride's parents do the engagement party and the MOH plans the bridal shower with support from the bridesmaids. However, none of this is required and the bridal party is only "required" to get the attire you ask for and show up on the day of. Nothing else is required, by the parents or the bridal party. If they don't mention it, it is considered rude to ask them to host these events because it does cost money to do so. Personally, my parents threw our engagement party and my mom will do my bridal shower because I'm not naming a maid of honor.

I didn't have an engagement party, but I had two showers (hometown and local), and they were hosted by my MOH and close family friends.

I think the bride to be and the groom to be are responsible for the engagement party. But as far as bridal showers and Bachelorette parties it's the bridal parties responsibility. I have my MOH and bridesmaids planning my bridal shower and I will be planning the Bachelorette party. It's not the traditional way.

I also think this is location dependent. The area I’m from it’s the bride’s family and bridesmaids that host the bridal shower.

I think it’s whoever offers to host it.


We didn’t have an engagement party, but it’s not common in our circle of friends.
My bachelorette was hosted by my MOH and bridesmaids.My parents were going to host my bridal shower, but I didn’t really want one so they instead gave me cash. My bridesmaids took me to Disneyland for like a second mini-bachelorette in lieu of a bridal shower.

Traditionally, any very close friend or family of the bride, who is invited to the wedding, except the MOB, can throw a shower. And in the last 10 to 15 years, as it is now rare for brides to live at home with Mom, and the age of marriage has gone up on average so brides have often been away from home 3-20 years or more, and bride's family pays only part or none of the wedding cost, making MOB no longer hostess of the wedding, most people consider it okay for a mother to host or at least be a co-host. (As long as they do not get into keeping score, who got and gave what to who else's daughters stuff, pushing their friends to give, etc., or planning beyond the means of others, often problems with many mothers, too invested in getting " more" for daughter's, how they came to be banned years back.)
Because the bridal party overlaps with the " close female friends or family" often MOH or bridesmaids volunteer. But and close friend not in the wedding party ( but invited) or aunts, grandmother's, sisters and SIL, godmother's can do it too. It is whoever volunteers. It may be only one BM has time and money, and she needs to call around to friends or family for help. Showers gifts are a second gift, in addition to the wedding gift, and the giver's are there to see it be opened by the bride. It is often helpful when those not in the wedding help, or host one, as they do not have the expenses for clothes, etc .
Showers may be one large one, usually catered or in a restaurant or other large space, with fees, and thus much more expensive. Most venues will charge $12-25 per person for a simple tea, little sandwiches and desserts and coffee, plus 24-30% of the total for tips and taxes. Drinks additional. Often, people have home or backyard or free/low cost other space showers . They may serve heartier food, particulars if some people have an hour drive each way near meal time. Or just simple desserts and beverages. So the total is more likely to be $5-$10 per person if hostesses cook, prepare desserts, snack. And decorations and liquor would be whatever you want to spend, with be like liquor purchase way cheaper. Down in the dollar a drink or less range. ( Showers are basically not a drinking event. Usually 1-3 in 2-3 hours, max, and most day ones none or 1.)Not all brides get showers. Sometimes, no one volunteers to give one. Sometimes someone tries, and finds out the person has maybe 5 friends within a reasonable travel distance ( about an hour), and 3 do not expect they will come. You cannot give a party for presents with no givers or guests. That has always been an issue for some. Better to go out for a fancy dinner or show, and bring along a gift, as with a birthday, than to have a "party" with 3 hostesses and a guest and the bride, which only shows, how few are there. ... Other brides get 2-4 small showers. Maybe friends at one, and family at another. Or hometown and school friends, current friends in a different location. B family. And G family. All far apart. May be 30-50 people, each goes to only one, spread over 3-4 showers in homes. These are more affordable. And many who find showers watching bride open 45 presents, giving maybe 3 minutes to each to chat and be polite, mind numbing for more than 2 1/4 hours, would prefer opening 20 gifts in an hour, or even half as many, makes for a more pleasant shower. Only the bride goes to multiple showers as a guest. Brides provide a list of those women invited to the wedding, whom she is close enough to to warrant the second gift expectation. Not relatives rarely seen, not girlfriends of FI friends unless also close friends of the bride. This many be 10 people including family, or may be 60 with a large close family and lots of friends. However, as with any party, the hosts, not the bride, determine the party size. If the bridesmaids can only host 20 people, 15 guests, themselves, and bride, they plan on just that many. And if no one else is planning a shower, may ask bride to check off the 18 people closest to her ( outside WP hostesses) to invite. Where if Grandma and auntie and a sister are offering one near hometown, and friends from school and work 40 miles away or more are offering also, and they want smaller parties because they cost so much less per guest for food and drink, then the hostesses talk to split the guest list. Other people solve the dilemma by having all older family and family friend from both families, and peers in family ( sisters, cousins) with friends. The thing to remember in any party, beyond seeing that MOB, all BM, and MOG are either giving or invited to at least one party, is that hostesses control where, how many total, and the general nature of the shower. If a bride really does not want what is offered, she may decline the party. But she may not trade up, or change the location, numbers, or increase costs. Most hostesses accept reasonable feedback. 15 of the guests consider Fri evening the Sabbath, and Saturdays. Please choose another time. Or, instead of holding it in a pub or winery, since 8 guests don't drink for religious reasons and 3 more are pregnant, could you find a different place that may serve alcohol, but does not mostly serve that.Things that affect guests.But not, I don't want a party in the community room, I want it in the Colonial Inn and teahouse ( ($30 more per person) and I want my whole list of 40, not just 15.. That is considered rude, rude, rude. Last, it is outright wrong for any person to plan a party in their own honor, and gather gifts for themself. Birthday, baby shower, wedding shower, you do not do your own . Touchy is letting people know you would like one, without asking anyone to do one. It is okay to let your mom or very best friends or sisters know that you are hoping someone is going to volunteer to give a shower, because you would very much like one. But that is as far as the bride should go. No expecting it of people and getting mad when they don't plan one as lots of brides complain of here ( only to mostly be told, you had false expectations, MOH or BM or mom not " supposed" to do it. So apologize.) ...A very personal opinion: although showers only happen in the last 4 months usually, and it often takes 2 weeks to plan one and send invitations 2 weeks ahead, if a person plans to offer a shower, they should speak up 6-8 months before the wedding, speaking to family or other good friends. Settle on who is interested, 1, or 2,or 3 showers , who and where each is by town or city, numbers. Then if yours is 1 month out and you don't do any more til 10 weeks before the wedding, fine. Some people plan parties or big gatherings a lot, and start 4 weeks before the event, and do great showers. But don't wait til then to talk to other people. Be kind to the bride, let her know earlier on. Let others know, too. And never surprise the bride completely. Even if everything but the date is a surprise, tell her. I missed a shower, and also 2 birthday parties in my honor, by getting on a plane, or going on a back country trip, gone when people arrived to tell me there was a surprise tomorrow, or tonight. Surprise on them. Don't expect to spring something on a bride who has made other plans.

View Quoted Comment Wow! Thank you for this thought out and detailed response! This is great information, thanks!

Anyone can throw you a shower. It's no one's responsibility.

If it is offered then you can accept. Typically it's the MOH, or MOB but no one is responsible as it is another cost/fee.