Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

VIP December 2021

Do i confront my mil or hold my tongue?

mrswinteriscoming, on June 26, 2023 at 5:31 AM Posted in Married Life 0 4

Saved

Flag
Hide content

I often feel like my husband and I play second fiddle to his brother and his wife (my BIL and SIL) and are overlooked by my in-laws and it is at the point where my husband himself no longer cares but it still irritates me.

My husband’s parents live an 8 hour drive from us. His brother also lives far from us and is equal distance from their parents. His brother has two young children. In the 9 years my husband and I have been together, his parents have visited us maybe 3 times (we usually visit them 1-3 times a year) whereas they visit his brother multiple times a year. When we invited his parents to spend Christmas with us when we first hosted, they couldn’t come because of my FIL’s job being busy that time of year, but yet, they found time sporadically last weekend to go visit my BIL and SIL to ‘test out’ their new car (in addition to also visiting back in January whereas they last visited us in April 2021).
By the same token, my MIL often overlooks me, though unintentionally. For example, I used to call her weekly, but if I didn’t call, I’d never hear from her. Or, in December, she mentioned how she would try visit my city with a friend to see a musical show. I asked if I could join them when they came if she didn’t mind and she said that would be great. 4 months later she mentions that they’re coming to our city in August and booked their tickets to the show ages ago without telling me, despite having been joyful about the idea of me joining them when we first discussed it before anything was booked.
My and my husband’s relationship with his parents is good and there is certainly no animosity or bad blood in any sense. To a degree I try rationalize things like the minimal visits because my FIL works a job (2IC on a farm) that he can’t just up and take leave, and that my BIL and SIL have children, but I am sick and tired of my husband and I playing second fiddle.
I know if I say anything to my MIL she’d be devastated but I’m at my breaking point.
Do I say anything or hold my tongue?

Flag
Hide content

4 Comments

Latest activity by Veronica, on June 26, 2023 at 3:20 PM

Rockstar October 2023
Cece · on June 26, 2023 at 7:54 AM
Flag

Hide content
I don’t think I would sit down and have a formal discussion with them or anything. But maybe you could casually say something next time they mention visiting SIL and BIL. Something to the effect of, “ I wish we got to see you as much as they did!” From the sounds of it, it’s likely they visit so often because of the grandchildren. We have the same situation with both sets of our parents. They are always visiting our siblings way more often than us because they want to see the kids. I would definitely not think of it as them preferring to visit your husband’s siblings, but rather they are preferring to visit your husband’s nieces and nephews (which just goes with the territory when it comes to grandparents lol)
- Reply
CM · on June 26, 2023 at 8:26 AM
Flag

Hide content
I agree that this is likely all about establishing a bond with the grandchildren, not a preference for BIL and SIL. While insensitive on their part, if H does not care, I wouldn’t make an issue of it other than saying you wish you could see them more. Maybe she will get the hint.

For the incident with the tickets you could have said “Oh, I thought we talked me joining you.” Does she have a habit of not focusing on conversations or are there signs of memory issues? Based on what you say, I wouldn't assume it was intentional.
- Reply
Super December 2022
LM · on June 26, 2023 at 8:47 AM
Flag

Hide content
I agree with Cece and CM, it's less confrontational to make casual comments. I don't they they are intentionally harming you, but everyone can strive to be more mindful about relationships.

In my experience, when my husband and I joined families we sought some kind of joy, need, or acceptance from the other's side that was not present in our own lives. Perhaps reflect on what you are looking for with your weekly talks and give yourself grace to acknowledge the expectation and then let it go. We are all human. It would be different if your husband thought this was due an unspoken resentment or a lack of love, but he says this is not so. Best wishes.
- Reply

Rockstar July 2019
Veronica · on June 26, 2023 at 3:20 PM
Flag

Hide content
Like others have said, I think it has more to do with wanting to see the grandchildren. The children are young and probably don't get to see them too often so they want to visit them as much as they care to establish a relationship especially because children's memories aren't as good so if they don't visit often the children are likely to forget them. Probably if you guys have children they will then visit you more.
- Reply