So...my one year anniversary is this coming weekend, and I would love to say I am happy, excited, etc, but that would be a lie. I would love to say that I can't imagine my life without my husband and I am excited for our future together, but that would be a lie. I would like to say that my husband is the best person ever and lifts my spirits, but that would be another lie.....and let's face it, I'm tired of lying.
For those of you, who have read or seen my other posts, you may have an understanding of why I feel this way, but you may not understand why I haven't just called it quits and divorced him by now. Trust me, I ask myself those same questions, almost daily. When I got married, I took my vows seriously and I am a woman of faith. All I know is right now, I am only getting by inlife by the Grace of God. I have been seeing a counselor, I have been listening to God's word daily, and I have been praying for his guidance in my life. It's amazing the change I have noticed within myself, and I know no matter what I am going to be okay. I don't know what my future holds, but I am trusting God to lead the way.
Now, I am faced with a life altering decision...I have been given the option of having a hysterectomy due to complications with my menstrual cycles. On one hand, I don't ever foresee me and my current husband ever having children. My husband and I are not equally yoked, nor do we share the same values/ethics. On the other hand, what if something happens, our marriage ends, and I meet someone else who I do want children with. I am praying about this decision, and have not made a choice yet.
There is a silver lining to all of this, I have grown in faith. Which in return has taught me to love myself in a way I never knew was possible. I have learned to let go of the things which I can't control. I have learned that it's okay, to not be okay. I have learned that when I try to be in control all of the time and try to be perfect, that I miss the blessings God has placed in my life. I have learned that I don't have to be a people pleaser, and I can say "No" when I don't want to do something, or if it goes against what I feel is right in my heart. (Sadly, I didn't know this before). All in all, I have gotten closer to God and my faith is growing every day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Mostly, out of all of this, I know I am Worth It, I am Free to be myself, and most importantly I love myself more today than I ever have. I do not wish the pain, hurt, and heartache that I have been through this past year on anyone. However, if you find yourself going through something similar I encourage you to turn to God, put your fate in his hands for he knows exactly where you are. Trust me, he isn't done working with me yet. We still have a long way to to, but I am along for the ride.
I am posting another forum in regards to some of the signs I should have listened to before I got married, which have continued or worsened during our marriage. (Hoping to help future couples)