OldSchoolKindaLove
Devoted September 2018

Decisions

OldSchoolKindaLove, on September 27, 2019 at 10:38 AM Posted in Married Life 0 7
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So...my one year anniversary is this coming weekend, and I would love to say I am happy, excited, etc, but that would be a lie. I would love to say that I can't imagine my life without my husband and I am excited for our future together, but that would be a lie. I would like to say that my husband is the best person ever and lifts my spirits, but that would be another lie.....and let's face it, I'm tired of lying.


For those of you, who have read or seen my other posts, you may have an understanding of why I feel this way, but you may not understand why I haven't just called it quits and divorced him by now. Trust me, I ask myself those same questions, almost daily. When I got married, I took my vows seriously and I am a woman of faith. All I know is right now, I am only getting by inlife by the Grace of God. I have been seeing a counselor, I have been listening to God's word daily, and I have been praying for his guidance in my life. It's amazing the change I have noticed within myself, and I know no matter what I am going to be okay. I don't know what my future holds, but I am trusting God to lead the way.


Now, I am faced with a life altering decision...I have been given the option of having a hysterectomy due to complications with my menstrual cycles. On one hand, I don't ever foresee me and my current husband ever having children. My husband and I are not equally yoked, nor do we share the same values/ethics. On the other hand, what if something happens, our marriage ends, and I meet someone else who I do want children with. I am praying about this decision, and have not made a choice yet.


There is a silver lining to all of this, I have grown in faith. Which in return has taught me to love myself in a way I never knew was possible. I have learned to let go of the things which I can't control. I have learned that it's okay, to not be okay. I have learned that when I try to be in control all of the time and try to be perfect, that I miss the blessings God has placed in my life. I have learned that I don't have to be a people pleaser, and I can say "No" when I don't want to do something, or if it goes against what I feel is right in my heart. (Sadly, I didn't know this before). All in all, I have gotten closer to God and my faith is growing every day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Mostly, out of all of this, I know I am Worth It, I am Free to be myself, and most importantly I love myself more today than I ever have. I do not wish the pain, hurt, and heartache that I have been through this past year on anyone. However, if you find yourself going through something similar I encourage you to turn to God, put your fate in his hands for he knows exactly where you are. Trust me, he isn't done working with me yet. We still have a long way to to, but I am along for the ride.

I am posting another forum in regards to some of the signs I should have listened to before I got married, which have continued or worsened during our marriage. (Hoping to help future couples)



7 Comments

Latest activity by OldSchoolKindaLove, on October 23, 2019 at 10:41 AM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    I'll pray for you and am happy your faith is growing. however, i wish the best of luck in your health and that everything else for you will work out. i'm first and foremost concerned about your health and hope that your husband could be supportive during this time.

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  • Sabrina
    Devoted April 2020
    Sabrina ·
    • Flag

    My heart is broken for you, but it gives me peace that you have found peace in your storm and you are stronger for it and you know exactly who are you and who God says you are. Smiley smile

    As for the kid situation, can you freeze your eggs? Is that a feasible option for you?

    • Reply
  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I did not consider that option. I may look into that. Thank you for your suggestion.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Super November 2019
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    Freeze your eggs and do what is best for your health! Health meaning physical, mental, and emotional. I am sorry you are going through this and I pray you will have the biggest most brightest rainbow once this storm passes. Good luck with your marriage, and trust God and his plan.
    • Reply
  • MrsV1027
    Master October 2018
    MrsV1027 ·
    • Flag

    In your post you refer to him as your current husband. That's a pretty big sign that you are ready to leave. I stayed with my first husband far too long because we had a child together and I couldn't imagine how I'd make it as a single mom. But then there was a moment and he did something that gave a perfect moment of clarity and I kicked him out. It was the best decision I ever made. I found someone I'm happy with and he now has been with his gf for 4+ years and they have a little girl together.

    Your god wouldn't want you to spend your life miserable if your god is a good god. Remember you have 1 life and it shouldn't be spent being miserable. There's no shame in realizing that getting married was a mistake and walking away from it. Far too often couples stay together because of faith and god and they waste their lives resenting each other for it and not living their true happy lives. Your dream husband is out there. This one was a learning experience. That's how I think of my first. I learned that I wasn't myself when I was with him and we were just not good for each other and we are both so much better off not being married.

    • Reply
  • Naikesha
    Super September 2020
    Naikesha ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry to hear about your failed marriage but Honored and blessed to have read your story! getting CLOSER TO GOD and loving your self is very important. Continue to pray for I'm but its time to let him go.

    may God continue to be with you and I wish you the best of luck in life! I'm glad you shared your truth Life is hard and its not all peaches and candy.

    • Reply
  • OldSchoolKindaLove
    Devoted September 2018
    OldSchoolKindaLove ·
    • Flag

    For those keeping up, here's a short update:

    My husband and I didn't celebrate our first wedding anniversary. A couple days before our anniversary he asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate. I told my husband I didn't want to do anything special because I didn't feel like celebrating an unhappy first year of marriage. Surprisingly he understood. We treated the day like any other, except for the one year old cake we ate. We took my mom to lunch and went shopping with my mom. His mom posted on social media and tagged us for our anniversary, but neither one of us sent a response. I think it really put a lot into perspective. Surprisingly my husband kept his counseling appointment without me having to ask, and things have started to come around. He has let me take control of our finances, like he said he would. He has decided to stay in counseling. We even began to look for a house together and found one we absolutely love. I can't say for sure what exactly happened, but all I can say is God is Good. God gave me my husband, and my best friend back because he was lost for such a long time. I anticipate us planning something great for our second year anniversary, who knows maybe even a vow renewal after the struggles we have been through to reconnect as husband and wife.

    Health wise, things are looking up. They have done further testing and have found a possible cause for the issues I have been having. While more tests are done, it looks like I will not be undergoing a hysterectomy at least for the next 6 mo. to 1 year. Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers. I can't take any credit for any of the major changes which have occurred within the past month, all I can say is God is so Good and answers prayers!


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