Cold Feet or Real?

Hello! Welcome to the WeddingWire Community! I'm sorry you're experiencing this. If you're beginning to feel second thoughts about marrying your fiance, I would try to speak to a close family member or friend to see if they could offer insights. However, if you truly think your feelings towards the potential marriage aren't genuine, I would reconsider it because you wouldn't want to run the risk of misleading and hurting someone. Try thinking it through more to see where your intentions lie, and maybe you'll be able to receive more clarity.

I really hope you're able to work through this.

Best wishes.

The money is gone and your fiance deserves better than you getting married because of the money. Call the wedding off. As for Matt, you don't really know what he's really like - except that he's a jerk for having an emotional affair while he's married. You don't know if it's really a marriage of convenience. You don't know if he picks his nose, leaves his clothes all over the floor, is horrible to travel with or anything else about real life with him. You see him as the perfect man. He's not. No man is perfect. You need to cut all contact off with Matt. So many people could get hurt by this situation. Most of all, those kids.

I feel for you. This is a difficult position you have yourself in. You need to sit back, and think about how much of this is lust and fantasy, and who much is based in reality. You actually don't know this man as well as you would like to; you've never known him from a romantic perspective The bottom line is that this isn't really about him, at all.

As a divorcee who did, indeed, marry the wrong man, I would implore you to sit down and evaluate THIS relationship without considering any other. No relationship is perfect; and a good marriage is borne of commitment. Having differences helps you to grow; so I wouldn't say that is a negative. Love is an action word; that means that, every day, you must commit to choosing your partner, and sacrificing yourself for the relationship as a whole. If, however, you feel like your commitment is not there, then you cannot bring this man down by marrying him simply out of convenience. One thing I have learned during my 43 years on Earth is that love is stronger than passion; and there doesn't need to be excitement that love amazing. I, myself, would chose (and have chosen) a quiet, stable, genuine love over flash and bells any day!

Wow. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Here are the things that stand out to me in your post:

- You describe your fiance saying "a wonderful relationship", "almost the whole package", but "a little tickle in the back of brain" that you didn't click. You descibe Matt as "everything the core of you wants", sharing the "things that make you feel alive", the "WHOLE package". It sounds to me like you got engaged because your fiance is "good on paper", but is not the love of your life. And I don't see how you could possibly get married feeling this way. It's completely unfair to your fiance, and to you. It's true that you'll probably never end up with Matt (I mean, do you really think he's gonna leave his wife? And for the record, I don't think he's the love of your life either, but represents possibility to you.). But if your fiance was the right man for you, someone else wouldn't seem like a better match.

- Your first reason for not calling off the wedding is because it's "planned and paid for". This is not a reason to go through with a marriage for the wrong person. Yes you'll lose some money, yes people will be disappointed, and yes the breakup with your fiance will be absolutely horrible. But these are not reasons to stay in this relationship.

- You suspect that maybe you're "not a forever person", like you've always thought. If my fiance was thinking this weeks before our wedding, I'd be absolutely devastated. Now is the time to believe in being a forever person.

So overall, what I'm saying is - I don't think you should get married. It's possible this is cold feet, and wedding nerves are messing with your feelings - but the way you describe it, this has been going on for far too long and is far too intense to be explained that easily.

THIS. Marriage is about choice and commitment... every single day. I agree there is more than one person on this planet I could be happily married to but me an FH fell and love and discussed that we want to marry and continually choose each other everyday the rest of our lives. At this point you need to decide what choice you want to make. Can you marry your fiance and choose him everyday and forget about Matt? Is that what you want? Could you be happy if you did that?

Side Note: I don't think Matt is THE ONE. As PP mentioned, you see only the good. You've never lived, traveled, etc with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It definitely has to be a hard situation, but look at every single aspect. Do you truly believe *Matt* is who you think he is? Sometimes when we get serious in something, we over romanticize someone or something else because we're nervous about the final outcome, hence "cold feet" and "grass isn't always greener." Also, look at it from this aspect. If *Matt* is doing all this while being married (doesn't matter if it was a convenience marriage. He took the plunge to marry this woman when he didn't have to, therefore he needs to step up to the husband role or cut it off), what if he realizes you aren't the person he thought either and does the same to you and you've lost this other man. Also like PP said, a lot of times these men don't always want to leave the woman they're with, they just like the excitement of "being sneaky" in the workplace because they feel they can be someone else and get away with it.

Now if FH isn't someone you see yourself being with, *Matt* or no *Matt*, then you need to end it now before you waste his or your time. 10K is a lot cheaper than attorney fees for a divorce a month later.

Just really weigh your pros and cons of this whole situation before you go one way and regret it because you should've gone the other way. Is *Matt* really this person outside of the workplace? Are you just nervous about getting married, so you're over romanticizing someone else? Would you live a better life with *Matt* or FH?

I really truly feel for you.

One of my close friends got married back in August to a man who wasn't emotionally 100% there, and they had many red flags. Not even a year later, he's cheating and they are divorcing. It's messy.

You don't know Matt*. He's not perfect, you've only ever known him in a work environment. Maybe he has a temper? Maybe he is super messy and gross at home? Maybe he is a lazy POS that doesn't do laundry, cook, or clean? You can be great friends with people who you aren't truly compatible with on the everyday living side.

I agree with PP, those kids would be devastated. He's in the wrong as much as you, which makes me not trust him either. He's ok with being emotionally involved with someone outside of his marriage, what if this happened again but you were on the other end?

I'd sort through your feelings before telling FH. No point in ruining what you have with him over something that could be a nothing.

I really think you should visit a therapist. They will have better advice than us. The unknown is exciting and knowing Matt* for so long, you can't help but think what if? But marriage is a choice. Again, you don't really know Matt, and you're already not choosing to stay with FH and choose him over all obstacles.

Let me ask you, what would you do if you were already married? Would you pursue a divorce and Matt or would you choose your husband?

My FH and I already consider ourselves married, and it would take a really strong outside force to ever even potentially shake us, and even then, we are best friends and talk through everything including feelings and emotions.

If Matt* told you months ago he wanted to be with you, what would you do? Is this all coming up now as a last resort crap shoot to keep you from getting married?

I think you need to be alone. Matt is scum for cheating on his wife, and your FH also deserves better than someone who doesn't truly want to be a team in all senses or even believes in "settling down". There is nothing wrong with that, wanting to be free and live life carelessly, but if you aren't interested in everything marriage entails I'm not so sure why you are getting married in the first place.

You need to call off the wedding, but you also need to cut ties with Matt. He is toxic in all senses because he is altering your decision making.

I also think this could be some close wedding freakouts since your day is approaching and I've seen others question their relationships as well, but if you really want to be so independent still, then maybe marriage isn't right for you no matter who it's with.

You've gotten some great responses here and i will try not to repeat the good advice. i would just say, that while you may think that nothing will change between you and your FH other than the fact that you have the piece of paper, that might not be the case. my H and i had a relatively non-traditional courtship (were both in other open relationships when we met, and have dabbled in non-monogamy over the years ourselves, etc) but when we decided to get married, and then GOT married, things did shift in our heads. we're each other's number one in a way that feels so deep and so surprising and so amazing. the process of getting married helped us realize how in sync we actually were. in your case, it sounds like you're experiencing almost the opposite of that, and i don't think you should ignore what's in your heart. i also wouldn't over-idealize your feelings for Matt--as PPs have said your version of him is just one side of him. even if you don't go through with getting married, i wouldn't jump into a relationship with him or anyone else right away. take some time for yourself first, to figure out what you really want in a relationship. i also agree with PPs that just because you don't have the same interests as your FH you aren't compatible. what really matters is that you share the same values and life goals--if you have different hobbies that can actually be a good thing! i wish you a lot of luck and love as you figure out what your next step is. wedding planning and imagning your married life really can take an emotional toll, so i hope you find someone to talk to about this.