Can You Be Independent In a Marriage?

I think it's very healthy in a marriage for the partners to have independence. My FH and I love spending time together, but we are also both introverted and have enjoyed being alone most of our lives. We are completely comfortable just sitting in the same room and doing our own things. We don't have to be doing something together 24/7. He likes to work on his computer programming and I like to work in my shop designing/making things. We don't often go out without each other, but we are okay with it. Just because you're married doesn't mean you can't keep your individuality and independence.

A team is at its most effective when unique, but complimentary, skills and approaches are brought to it. Without some semblance of independence. these unique qualities are not really cultivated. So it's not really a question of 'if you can be independent' but rather 'how strong will you be as a team if you aren't?'

I think it's absolutely a requirement to be independent in order to have a successful relationship. It's important to still be your own person and pursue your passions and cultivate your friendships and your partner should support you in that. Honestly, a lot of relationships I've seen where the couple is completely dependent on each other for everything, can't be away from each other without constant communication are really unhealthy and ultimately end badly.

View Quoted Comment

I agree that married couples don't have to be together 24/7. My follow up question is, what types of things do you and your future husband run by each other before you do it?

View Quoted Comment

I agree that teams are most effective when they are unique but that does not negate the fact that members of that team are dependent on each other for success.

View Quoted Comment

You bring up a great point. My follow up question to that is what types of things do you and your future husband do independent of each other?

View Quoted Comment

LOL so many things! We hang out with our friends, families, go on mini vacations, attend certain events for podcasts, sports, concerts that we love. We have a son together and sometimes I go on mommy-son dates. This doesn't mean that we don't do these things together but we're able to do them independently as well. We're not glued together at the hip. I just think like with anything in life it's about balance. We prioritize each other but we would never keep each other from experiencing anything with friends or family just because it was something we weren't interested in or could not attend/do.

View Quoted Comment

True, if you look at it another way, every team I know takes time to learn new skills (via education, training, etc.) before they come together as a team. And the best ones I've know are 'continual learners'. Consider independence as almost 'homework.' If neither party does any of that work on the front end, when they get together as a team, their approach, technique, etc., all falls apart. You can only be dependent when you fully trust that the other person has done their homework and has something to contribute.

I find my husband's and my independence essential to the foundation and structure of our family.

View Quoted Comment

Nothing huge on a day to day basis. We both work so neither of us need to know who/where the other person is going to lunch with. We talk about big purchases, any outings out of the ordinary, etc.

View Quoted Comment

I like that you said you prioritize each other. I believe that in marriage you should move as a unit but you still have your own individual personalities and hobbies. You should be in unison on a lot of things like finances, housing, the discipline of the children, etc. There should be no you making important decisions anymore, everything you do directly affects your spouse.

View Quoted Comment

I agree with you 100%.

View Quoted Comment

I love the idea of thinking of independence as homework.

View Quoted Comment

Got it. I mostly inform my husband before I make purchases as well.

View Quoted Comment

Thanks! Not quite romantic, but effective.

I read an article on her interview and I loved what she had to say! I don't think that working as a team doesn't mean there isn't room for independence. I think a healthy relationship has components of both teamwork and independence. I think that to an extent, you become a "unit" in marriage, however, you are not "one" if that makes sense. Each person still has individual autonomy and has their own opinions, hobbies, and ways of viewing things.

I think to have a healthy marriage you need to be able to be independent. Weather or not you need to be depends entirely on circumstances.
My fiance and I can and have ran households on our own, but we prefer being a team and working together. If one of us is away or sick we know the other one can function independently to handle all of it.
You should be able to have your own hobbies and friends, but weather or not you do is all about circumstances.

I think you can be independent in a healthy marriage. Even if you're married, you're still the same person as you were before!

View Quoted Comment

I respectfully disagree, marriage is about two people becoming one. No you don't physically become one person but you share your life together as one.

View Quoted Comment

I agree that married people can have their own hobbies and friendships but does that make you independent?

View Quoted Comment

But are you really the same person? You should be growing with your spouse and becoming more connected.