Bridal Shower - help

I literally choked when I read the quote of $5,000-$7,000 for a shower. I have been to numerous bridal/baby showers (either hosted by one side or even both) and they've always been in a home/backyard either non-meal times or else finger sandwiches, salads, mimosas...It is unreasonable to expect anyone to pay over $500 to host a shower.

I saw you mentioned that this will be a BRIDAL shower. If that is truly case, that means it’s usually only people who are close to the BRIDE and not every single person on the wedding guest list. For my bridal shower, the ONLY people from my husband’s side that were invited were my MIL and SIL - no one else. Everyone else was a female that had a relationship with ME. The point of the bridal shower is for people close to her to “shower her with love and gifts,” not to make introductions of both sides (that’s what the wedding day is supposed to be for. Not everyone has to have met each other before it). I think once you remove that lens from this, it could be a much more casual and less costly event. Mine was simply at my parents house and we served appetizers and mimosas. I opened gifts, people talked, and then that was it. I don’t think separate showers need to be held. One is enough, and whoever can host it, hosts, and you stick to the budget that is available.

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Yes I know - no one has a house/backyard big enough that we could utilize for it so a restaurant would be the only option and they all have Food & Beverage minimums.

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You made an excellent point that I seem to keep forgetting! Both sides of our families are very pushy and have the "invite everyone in the family because you should" mentality which caused lots of tension it has made me not really think of myself in any of this. Your advice was perfect and just made it so much easier for me to decide.

View Quoted Comment Less is always more make it simple hope you can get your shower without all the extra drama.

Truthfully speaking a bride isn't supposed to plan her own shower. It should be offered by someone to host for you, i.e. sister, mom ,MIL, bridesmaids, it's a little tacky to host a party centered around showering you with gifts, and then expecting someone to help pay. Rent out a firewall, elks lodge, UAW hall for the shower and supply some little sandwich trays and drinks. Paying 5k for a bridal shower is very excessive.

While mine was at a restaurant, I think $5,000-7,000 is way too much to expect anyone to cover. I would either look for a different restaurant that has a much more reasonable fee, see what your venue would charge to host or look for a completely different location. If you are member a church, would they have a space you could use? My sister-in-law's shower was at our church and I hosted it and it was nowhere close to $5,000. Another option would be a firehouse. You can definitely decorate it in a way that would be very pretty.

That is way to much to pay for a shower. You can book a conference room at a hotel, decorate get food catered, etc. for less than 1,000. You can not expect anyone including parents to contribute to your wedding.

I agree, this is too much to spend on a shower. I also agree it’s not proper etiquette (or even just polite) to ask someone to host a shower for you. I would find somewhere MUCH cheaper (a church basement, a community rec room, a public park, rent an airbnb, etc), have it in someone’s home, or cut your guest list way down. You don’t need to serve a meal at a shower. Have it at a non-meal time and serve finger foods and cake. Showers are optional events- don’t break the bank on having one. Keep it low key! Those funds will be much better used and enjoyed at your wedding.

Agree with others above. It's uncomfortable to you because it is an etiquette faux paus to ask people to throw you a party. Your mom created a vision she cannot afford and created resentment with your in-laws (who did nothing wrong). I've seen Moms go crazy when it comes to their daughter's bridal shower they believe their peers will judge them for. Cancel the party entirely, or convince Mom casual and intimate is the modern bride's take on a bridal shower. This stress is all optional just like this party is optional. You can get house gifts at the wedding.

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Yes to ALL of this. Things started off on the wrong foot when the $5000 party was presented as your only option. But you can still fix/prevent all of this by steering your mom to a much simpler/smaller party, choosing not to ask your in-laws to throw you a party you don't need, or deciding not to have a pre-wedding party at all.

You will get plenty of gifts and be able to celebrate with everyone at your wedding itself. Don't borrow stress by trying to fit in other parties that don't work.

I would NOT ask my MIL to host a shower for me. I would tell my mom that it’s so nice to offer to do a shower for me but if it’s not feasible I will not be hurt.


Perhaps once your mom settles on a guest list and price that’s affordable for her, she can reach out to your MIL. “Hi, MIL! I’m planning a shower for Amanda and I want to make sure you’re available. Are you free on June 1?”

If your MIL wants to have a say in this shower she can then say to your mom, “yes I’m free. I’d love to help with favors or games.” But if she says “yes I’m free. I’ll be there!” Then she hasn’t offered to help and that’s it.

My mom planned my bridal shower but was extremely needy and asked me questions non stop about how to plan. This is because she is not a natural host and doesn’t enjoy hosting things/doesn’t know how.

I wish you luck in your endeavors!!

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I want to be clear - I also think $5-7K is insane for a shower. I have looked into over 15 restaurants in my area to schedule and all of them have F&B minimums that range from $4-5K, plus 20% gratuity, and additional fees for space rental. I like the idea of a church but I don't have one that I go to.

Thank you for the advice and comments!

So much to navigate! I so appreciated your comment on my post I thought I’d offer my two cents here.


I have definitely seen people have multiple showers based on who wants to throw them. In those cases, the invite list tends to be at the discretion of the host, your mother in this case. If she cannot afford to host more than a certain number of people, and she wants your input on the guest list, maybe try to get some of the most important people from your FH’s family on the list, at minimum your FMIL and FSIL.
Also the $5-7k is crazy. I was able to book a brunch event in a hotel ballroom for 50 people for $2k including food. Maybe don’t restrict it to a restaurant? Public parks often have covered areas for picnics that can be reserved. Community centers have spaces to rent. Does anyone live in one of those apartment complexes where you can rent to common area? I’ve been to a baby shower in one of those. 🤣 I’ve even heard of people renting an AirBnB that lets you host events.
I’m also one of those people that feel like communicating expectations is really important to maintaining relationships, so maybe just tell your FMIL or FSIL that while your mother is planning to host a shower, she has a limited budget so the guest list might not include their family and you want them to be aware of that. Once they have that information, they can decide if they want to host something for you or offer to help pay for the shower or do nothing. At least they will be aware of the concern and able to make a decision. But it avoids the issue of directly asking for more financial support.
Navigating the finances of a wedding feels like a minefield now that couples pay for so much themselves. I’ve got my own struggles with who is contributing to what. I took the approach that it’s my responsibility to ask from my side and his responsibility to ask from his side. I can’t say that’s going super well, but I certainly didn’t want to start off my marriage by asking his family for money. It’s up to you to decide what’s comfortable and determine your own boundaries. Just because your mother says you should ask doesn’t mean you should. Just because your FH is reticent to ask, doesn’t mean you can’t pass along information. Just remember you all have to live with the results, so do what you are comfortable with while stepping on as few toes as possible.
Hope that helps and congratulations!!!

View Quoted Comment No problem! Congratulations and good luck with everything! 😊

Both sets of parents are already contributing to the wedding. The dress and photography.


50 to 60 guests is the size of a wedding or a gift grabby bridal shower. Showers are intimate events for your nearest and dearest. People who don't mind gifting you twice. People you don't feel weird opening lingerie and sexy gag gifts in front of.
5-7k is insane for a shower. That's the cost of catering a small wedding with rentals, set up and break down.
At this point you are imposing and creating unnecessary drama. You're going to create resentment about who pays for what. I guarantee you'll prefer good photography at your wedding over a huge shower.
If you can't narrow your shower list to maybe 20 people and no one has volunteered to host it, I'd skip the shower. A shower is typically a couple hours, serves light snacks at someone's home. You're basically planning a second wedding at the expense of your actual wedding.

View Quoted Comment Literally not even about the gifts - I could care less. I’m aware of what a shower typically is “couple hours, light snacks, at someone’s home” and have said in above comments the reasoning as to why we would look at restaurants. We both have huge families so the 50-60 included the women that both sides of the family wanted involved and live locally. I’ve also said multiple times I know that price is insane for a shower. Maybe don’t be so condescending in responses to people when they are asking general advice & if you can’t refrain from being condescending then don’t comment

Multiple showers isn't unheard of. The bulk of my family is from the Midwest while my husband's family is on the west coast. My mom hosted my shower and it was just my family/ family friends along with my bridesmaids. My MIL was invited, but didn't come. I agree with Erin that bridal showers are typically for those who are close with the bride. You could include your FMIL and FSIL, but I'd cut it off at that. IF your FMIL/ FSIL want to host a shower for their side, that's their call, and they can foot that bill. Hopefully shortening the list to about 25-30 makes it a bit more affordable though.