Bridal Shower Bummer.

First of all OP, I am sorry to hear about the passing of your father and send you my condolences. My heart goes out to you, hug the family tight tonight.

Secondly, I think this comes down to differences in expectations/efforts. You've gone to great lengths to throw beautiful events for your friends and are now disappointed that they aren't reciprocating and doing the same, especially after all the wonderful things you did for them. If anything, from the fact that they brought this up to you as something they were shocked by, it seems to me like they hadn't even come close to considering to do the same for you or helping out in a similar way.

As someone who, like you, goes above and beyond with doing things like you yourself have for your friends, I can understand the disappointment. Personally, I wouldn't let it get you down and I would move on from it. I myself came to stop doing all the things I did for some people because I grew tired of going all out and feeling underappreciated, and now, only for my nearest and dearest do I continue to do these things.

I most definitely understand where you are coming from.

If I were a bridesmaid, even if I wasn't expected to, I would totally throw myself into throwing a shower because it is so fun and rewarding to do something nice for your friend, so I can definitely understand how stand-offish their responses must have felt.

Fair to say, its disappointing that they don't remember all the wonderful things you did for them, but, I definitely wouldn't let it get in the way of things, though definitely remember this for next time!

First, I'm very sorry for your loss. Sometimes grief can affect perspective, as you have pointed out.

Did your sister ask the BM's to contribute at the start of planning or once everything was arranged and paid for? I'm sorry your sister shared that with you, I'm sure it certainly didn't make you feel good.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's got to be hard to deal with on top of this issue, which you don't need right now.

I'm also really sorry that your bridesmaids felt the need to complain about your sister to you and make a huge deal out of money. This kind of happened to me when I was a maid of honor...I threw my best friend this wonderful bridal shower like she wanted, my dad catered it for us, my other best friend's mother made her cake, my mom and I set everything up, and the rest of her girls showed up 5 minutes before she did with the regular guests and didn't contribute a dime. I felt like a total jerk doing this, but I told my best friend that I didn't get any help other than from my own family for her bridal shower and I wasn't in a position to throw her a bachelorette. She had a discussion with her friends about it, saying that I couldn't pay for everything myself and another girl stepped up and planned and paid for a portion of her bachelorette (still didn't equal what I shelled out for her shower, but better than nothing). So I guess what I'm saying here is, would you feel comfortable talking to these friends about how you feel? Money is always tricky to discuss, but just maybe explain your expectations based on what you've done in the past. Some people wouldn't be comfortable with this approach, though, but at the end of the day they're your friends, so it can be difficult for your sister to talk to them about this, especially since they're complaining. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Can you book somewhere that's less expensive and suits the budget? Feels stressful for everyone. Is there anyone else in the area who can help with picking a venue, other than those bridesmaids?

I mean, it's really nice that you went above and beyond for them. Technically all a wedding party member has to do is get the attire and show up to the event. Showers and bachelorettes are all optional.

Yes, I can see that and also I can see why you're disappointed. I also agree that they had no business sharing that information with you. It's very insensitive. I'm sorry all of this is happening to you.