Boundaries

Your Hubby needs to talk to her and ask her to always ask permission before inviting extra ppl.

I mean you definitely need to set boundaries or if anything I personally feel that it's a conversation your husband should have with his mother. I would say in regards to the baby shower just nicely say to her that you would rather stick to the guess what that you currently have and why you understand if she would like to invite extra people you would prefer that she did not.

Keep saying no as much you have to. Do not let her or anyone else pressure you. Do not allow her any leeway. If your plans are not set in stone with those who respect you, tell her that they are and be firm.

In my experience, and seeing how my own mom has handled it with her own mother-in-law (my grandma!)... you MUST put your foot down in the beginning. If you don't stop her now, respectfully, she'll do this to you forever. I've had to step up to my future mother in law on a couple of occasions (she's crossed the line) and you know what? I actually think she respected me for having a voice and using it. We have a great relationship and she knows I'm a tough yet respectful cookie.

View Quoted Comment

Unfortunately, he is part of the problem. He doesn't seem to want to tell her no. I don't know if he is worried it will upset or what, but he just goes along with whatever she wants.

View Quoted Comment

Unfortunately, he seems to let her do whatever she wants.

View Quoted Comment In that case, you need to set ground rules now for everyone. It will get worse after children if you don't have boundaries that you stick to. He needs to be on the same page as you. Sit down and have whatever discussion you need to because you and he are a united front, not you vs them.

View Quoted Comment

YES! I second this.

View Quoted Comment Oh no. Then there may be nothing you can do. This may be a start to some bigger things he won't speak up about to his mom.

View Quoted Comment

That's definitely part of my concern.

View Quoted Comment Have you tried making it HIS problem? Like when she brings extra people to your house (I am horrified at this!!!) he has to be the one to cook and clean, etc?
If he can’t manage to say no to her, he will have to handle saying yes.
I know it sounds cruel....but life is going to be really hard for you if he refuses to say no to her.

View Quoted Comment

Oooooh I am slightly vindictive when people do me wrong so I actually like this. I still think you should put your foot down but if he won't say anything then he can deal with it. He will probably say no then. I feel sometimes men won't deal with something because at the end we will be the ones to do it. Start with this.

View Quoted Comment

I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you have more of a husband problem than a MIL problem. If you two aren't working as a team, then it doesn't matter who is the one pushing boundaries (and there will be lots more of this in your future).

Here's the thing about boundaries: they are worthwhile and important to establish. But just because you set them (I can't actually tell if you have set any yet), that doesn't mean people automatically start behaving well and respecting your boundaries. Boundary pushers didn't become that way overnight. You can't literally control their actions (because you can't control anyone's actions), but you CAN enforce consequences for the trampled boundaries.

For example, bringing extra uninvited guests to stay at your house. Boundary: when arranging for MIL to visit, clearly state that you only have room to accommodate her. Any extra guests will have to go to a hotel. Consequence: If MIL shows up with an extra guest anyway, offer the address of a local hotel and show them the door. Extra credit consequence: Next time MIL asks to visit tell her your guest room isn't available but she can stay in a hotel. IF she asks why, you can tell her the truth.

If you and your husband aren't willing to establish and communicate clear boundaries AND enforce consequences, then your problem is not solvable.

View Quoted Comment I dob’t even mean it in a bad way...but sometimes people who can’t say no are like that because they don’t have to deal with how it effects other people. So they honestly don’t see the big deal, like “why do you care if she brings and extra person, it will be fine!” The catch is...the one who says it will be fine is not cooking and cleaning...

View Quoted Comment Also the ones who push themselves onto others are used to getting their way with everyone around them so expect that applies to new folks as well.

View Quoted Comment

Oh I know you did not mean it in a bad way but I would do that to spite my husband if he did that to me. I already have to battle him not leaving his clothes everywhere. LOL.

I do agree put the extra work on him and like you said he may not see it as a problem because the work does not fall on him. I would say talk to him and say if he is fine with his mother inviting extra people then it will be his problem to fund and clean the extra guests. He has a problem with that then he can tell his mom no.

This is a husband AND a MIL problem

First things first - for the virtual baby shower - make it a private room, and anyone not on the original list cannot get in, even if your MIL sends out the link like candy. If she complains, *they were not invited*, full stop, end of story. She can be embarrassed all she wants, but it's ON HER.

If she shows up at your home with people you didn't expect - well, you didn't plan for them. You don't have extra tickets, food, space, they will have to go get a hotel. (ESPECIALLY in a pandemic, with a baby.) If the check comes, you two, "go get the car". Make it AWKWARD for her. Give her consequences for your actions.

As for your husband, this is 100% a couples counseling thing. If he can't stand up to his family, that's a skill he needs to learn, and he needs to learn it STAT.

Good luck.

I like the idea that someone else gave about making it your husband's problem. His family is his family and you shouldn't have to be dealing with this kind of thing, especially when you're carrying his child. So if he can't tell her no, then fine...he can cook, clean, entertain, find space for these people, make sure you're taken care of as well as any other responsibilities he has because you just aren't doing it.

For the baby shower, this might seem a little harsh....but it's what I'd do if I was in your shoes. If she insists on inviting all of these other people you don't know, I would tell her that I'm just not going to have a baby shower if she keeps inviting these people that I don't know or care about, especially in a pandemic while pregnant. If she continues on, refuse it. Eliminate her completely and plan something with your mom (maybe have a sibling or friend step in). My best friend has to do this kind of thing CONSTANTLY with her MIL...if she wants to make a problem, she doesn't get to be a part of it. And if she gets upset, then explain that she needs to respect your boundaries because it's not HER baby shower...it's yours.

Good luck. Sucks to go through something like that!