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Just Said Yes September 2020

Best friend not coming to bachelorette :(

Emma, on August 13, 2020 at 9:38 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 12

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Long post, sorry. This isn’t a completely a covid thing. Backstory: my best friend works at a restaurant - the same restaurant for nearly 10 years. They’ve been her family, but they do take advantage of her (ie being really strict about time off and never having anyone to cover for her if stuff comes up). Anyways, my sister, the MOH, really procrastinated on Bach stuff...I’ll give her the excuse of covid playing a part in giving her a hard time with figuring out covid-friendly things we can do. She told the bridal party ladies (5 including myself) two weeks before when the Bach party was. It’s on a Saturday, and it was fine for everyone but my best friend. I am a little annoyed at both of them. For my sister for procrastinating (even though I was urging her to get the date out several times) and for my best friend, for not standing up for herself and letting her job dictate so much of her life and choices (this job knows her friend was getting married and I feel like she should’ve made it clear to them that she needed more flexibility in the “wedding weeks”). AND she’s quitting that job because she’s moving out of state a after the Bach party...so I don’t understand why she can’t/they can’t be a little more understanding. Maybe I’m being unreasonable, but if I were in her shoes I wouldn’t miss her bachelorette party. Even if I had to bend backwards to redo my schedule. She knows how hard this wedding planning has been for me and that I still wanted to have a Bach party, and it’s hurtful. All she said was “I'm sorry I couldn’t get work off

”. This is a bummer for me because I was already feeling really worried about this Bach thing. My fiancé and all his buddies (who are all each other’s friends as wouldn’t miss it for the world) are all going on a weekend trip to the cabin. I’m a little jealous because he didn’t care to have a bachelor party. Meanwhile, my bridesmaids, who are very covid strict, are only ok with going because it will be outside and no overnight. Plus, none of them know each other, which is already worrying me because I will have to mesh such different personality types. It’s my sister who I love but has been annoying lately, my friend who I haven’t seen in months, and my fiancé’s sister who I kinda don’t like but made an obligatory bridesmaid. 😬 Help 😓🙁😔

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12 Comments

Latest activity by Cynthia, on May 13, 2021 at 9:12 AM

VIP August 2020
· on August 13, 2020 at 10:32 PM
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I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a tricky situation and it's kind of hard to deal with any additional stress this year. I've been in one of those restaurant industry jobs where you really can't get time off without a huge guilt trip, but I've also worked like a week nonstop to be able to attend a bachelorette party, so I definitely think she should've tried harder and you're not being unreasonable. Try not to compare your situation to your fiancé's. It'll be easier to enjoy your party if you focus on what's happening instead of what could've happened. Hopefully your sister will have planned enough ice-breaking activities to make everyone comfortable. I think it's reasonable for you to ask her about this ahead of time of you're nervous about it, but from my experience, people go into these things wanting to get along with everyone else for the sake of the bride, so I think you'll be okay if you can allow yourself to relax and enjoy whatever happens.
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on August 13, 2020 at 10:55 PM
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Pardon me if I sound rude as that is not my intention. You have every right to be upset and your feelings are valid but at the end of the day no disrespect it's easy to say she should have bent over backwards to not have to work for your bachelorette. However, that is her job and to me someone having to work and earn a living especially during a difficult time does take some precedence. I can understand why you are bothered because you know us brides in general we take weddings' and pre-wedding events more seriously even than men because this is a special day for us that we've been dreaming for a long time. In your friend's defense giving two weeks notice before a bachelorette isn't always enough time to take off of work especially during this time I feel like restaurants are huge and demand because for some states there's not a lot of people can do but go out to eat. I would probably say maybe be a little bit more annoyed with your sister for maybe doing things a little bit late but I do feel that if people are given short notice and there's a chance they may not be able to go. I think your friend gets a pass on this one but again I'm not saying you don't have a right to feel upset but I don't feel that any hard feelings towards her should be given. What do you think about maybe having a special brunch date just with your friend when she is available something just you two?
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Master November 2020
Kristen · on August 13, 2020 at 10:57 PM
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Sorry I didn't finish my last comment but I also agree with the previous person. These ladies are all adult and there been plenty of times I've been a bridesmaid and and did not know everyone in the bridal party with me. In fact there was one bridesmaid I met the day before a friend's wedding. But these ladies are all adults and they should be respectful and cordial to each other so that's not something I feel you should worry about. And honestly because they don't know each other they may actually take the effort to get to know each other so things aren't awkward. Don't think about what isn't going right with The Bachelorette rather be blessed you're having one especially during this time and just enjoy how the nights going to go as I think you will have a good time. Everything is going to be okay.
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Master August 2019
Rebecca · on August 13, 2020 at 11:28 PM
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Your feelings are valid, but as someone who usually works at a restaurant...
I had a hard time getting off time for my OWN wedding, and my boss is super flexible and the guilt trips nearly non-existent where I work.
Restaurants are short-staffed when things are normal, and it's even worse, now. She's probably fighting just to get enough shifts and tips to keep her head above water. (We don't like to advertize this to our friends.) I'd be very surprised if she's not working extra shifts to afford taking your wedding day off. Particularly since she's moving and leaving.
She's likely very upset about missing your Bach, but she probably also doesn't want to make you sadder, or dump her problems on you.
Please, cut her some slack. Restaurant work is hard to begin with, and now it's just awful.
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VIP September 2020
Willow · on August 13, 2020 at 11:53 PM
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You're allowed to feel how you feel, but I don't find it fair or rational to get upset at your friend. If she works at a restaurant, she's possibly being exposed to covid on a regular basis, overworked, and barely scraping by. Her employer takes advantage of her because they can. When the unemployment rate is so high, she is in no position to negotiate with her employer. Even before covid, she was an easily replacable employee by virtue of being in the restaurant industry. Her livelihood has to take precedence over an optional party.

You should be a friend first and a bride second.
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VIP December 2021
mrswinteriscoming · on August 14, 2020 at 12:16 AM
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We don't know your friend's circumstances, however, besides family and children, work is usually the biggest commitment in peoples' everyday lives; some people have very flexible workplaces and others don't. You feel as though your friend doesn't stand up for herself enough at work, however you need to be mindful that (a) her workplace may be acting within their full rights, and (b) they pay her a wage to live on which takes priority over your bachelorette party.
Even if your friend is leaving this job soon, I don't think she wants to lose a good reference and that's completely fair. In any event, she has a valid reason for not being able to attend.
You have every right to be a bit upset that she won't be there / that your sister slacked off and didn't think things through more / that you chose your FSIL as a BM because you felt like you had to, but I think you do need to re-evaluate your expectations just a little bit. Like Willow said, you need to be a friend first, after all, your wedding day will come and go but your friendship will continue.
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Super October 2021
Ashley · on August 14, 2020 at 2:09 AM
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That’s tough, and I totally understand why you’re disappointed. Still, having a schedule set two weeks out is pretty normal. Trying to get time off after a schedule is made is difficult in most jobs at the best of times. Two weeks simply isn’t enough time to get time off, especially for a Saturday. It wouldn’t be reasonable or fair to hold this against her. Work is a commitment, and bills need to be paid. If she was unable to get it off, she was unable. That’s really all there is to it. Her bosses are under no obligation to take your “wedding weeks” into consideration when making schedules to staff their business, and wanting her to expect that of them is an unfair expectation. A bridesmaid’s only true obligation is to be there on the wedding day wearing what was agreed upon. The rest of the stuff is just bonus. Allow yourself to be sad that she won’t be able to go but realize that it’s not her fault.
Don’t compare your situation to your FH’s situation. It’s great that his friends are all friends with each other, but they took a risk. They agreed upon that risk, but you cannot expect the same from others, especially when they don’t know each other or how safe everyone has been. Everyone has to decide for themselves what their boundaries are, and if they feel unsafe doing a weekend, it’s totally understandable. I wouldn’t be comfortable being in close proximity with others right now, either. We are still in a pandemic.
I wouldn’t worry about their personalities, though. You don’t have to mesh them. They’re there to support and celebrate you, and they’re adults. Focus on enjoying the time and let them get to know each other more organically.
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Expert May 2021
Erin · on August 14, 2020 at 8:27 AM
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If your best friend means that much to you then maybe you could offer to help her pack or move stuff so you can spend time with her before she moves? Or try to schedule a time to hang out with her before she leaves... ???
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Dedicated May 2022
Elysia · on August 14, 2020 at 8:56 AM
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I completely understand why you’re upset but agree with PPs here. I work in the restaurant industry so I see your friend’s side here too. She puts herself in a risky position every day just to support herself, and it is not easy to get off of work once a schedule has already been put in place as restaurants are often short staffed. Speaking from my experience, the reason I don’t just leave the job is because I need the money. Your friend could be in a similar situation, as you said she is moving soon. It can be difficult to navigate these types of conflicts sometimes. You definitely have a right to feel the way you do, but this friend sounds like she does care about you—she just can’t do this one thing. Maybe the two of you can find another time to go out together.
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Master October 2020
Margaret · on August 14, 2020 at 9:55 AM
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I think Kristen and Rebecca said it best. I'd definitely give your friend a break on missing your Bach party. Your feelings are valid, but at the same time I feel like your directing your hurt and disappointment towards your friend and not towards your sister who procrastinated in the planning, but as you said Covid may have played a role in it, especially because as your stated,
"I still wanted to have a Bach party" and rightfully so, but times are definitely harder right now for so many people. During this time, I just feel like you have to give a break to friends and family because of Covid. Additionally most women are much more health conscious than men, so the fact that your FH and friends are having their own weekend without Covid concerns makes total sense and I wouldn't be jealous or hurt by it.
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Just Said Yes July 2021
Cynthia · on May 13, 2021 at 9:09 AM
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What kind of restaurant can you work at for TEN YEARS and not have the balls to ask time off two weeks in advance?! And does she go into work SICK?! Or does she just never get sick on working days?
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Just Said Yes July 2021
Cynthia · on May 13, 2021 at 9:12 AM
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Say, “B—-! You betta tell yo boss you supportin ya homegirl for her last night as a free woman!”

Show her in a fun loving way how much you want her there (and that you’re willing to use your outspokenness to call her boss as her!) Try showing her It’s all out of love and not make her feel weak for not having been able to ask yet.
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