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Anne
Beginner March 2019

Bachelorette trip struggles

Anne, on December 5, 2018 at 2:55 PM Posted in Parties and Events 0 30
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Hi ya’ll. So, my fiancé and I both agreed we wanted to take bachelor/bachelorette trips before our wedding. His groomsmen and friends love going on guys trips and have higher salaries and it’s now turned into this big 5 night event in Vegas for him (which is awesome). I had planned myself what I thought was a sensible girls weekend in Miami, but the feedback my MOH received from everyone was it was too expensive, too long (3 nights), and they all had travel date conflicts. I’ve now tried to rearrange, but essentially it’s still to expensive to do what I want to do :-( The point of Miami was to get some warmth and sunshine and get out of the winter cold. Also my mom is in FL and I thought to include her in some of the fun! I also don’t think I should stay local while my fiancé is on this big trip... I’m starting to feel disappointed because I want my friends to be able to enjoy with me (only invited 4 girls total) but it seems like it’s not feasible. I’m also not having a shower because I was asking these closest friends to take this trip (so no money spent on shower) and I’m doing everything I can to ensure my two bridesmaids don’t have to spend much money at all (dress is like $160 and that’s essentially it). Anyways... just a little sad and frustrated. I feel like I’m planning everything for the wedding and cutting as many corners as I can...it’s hard for me to make it “about me, the bride!” as I’m always trying to please everyone else. Help!

30 Comments

Latest activity by Lindsay, on April 21, 2024 at 4:34 PM
  • OnCloudRawls
    VIP June 2019
    OnCloudRawls ·
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    That's understandable! Are all of your bridesmaids in different locations? Maybe you all can meet in a central location for a weekend.

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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    All in NYC. I would do something local but it’s winter (our wedding is in March) and NYC is expensive anyways so I thoughts a cheap quick flight to FL a would be a nice getaway.
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  • Gen
    Champion June 2019
    Gen ·
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    Could you go somewhere closer, maybe in driving distance? I’m sorry your bridesmaids aren’t able to do it but you can’t blame them if they can’t afford it :/ 2/4 of my bridesmaids are out of town so my bachelorette party is probably just going to be a lowkey evening with the two local girls. 3/4 of my FH’s groomsmen are out of town but they have significantly higher salaries so they’re all flying in to surprise him with a bachelor party weekend. Do I wish I could have the same type of thing? Absolutely... but I can’t control how much my girls can afford!
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  • Kenisha
    Champion June 2019
    Kenisha ·
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    Hey Anne. I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of that. I'd be frustrated. Can you just plan a nice spa day instead? I know it wont replace Miami but it will at least be relaxing!

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  • FutureStephD
    Super March 2019
    FutureStephD ·
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    Ditto for me!... In Chicago. BMs well into their successful careers. All but one declined to go on an inexpensive trip I've been talking about for a year (not b/c of the money but for other reasons). My feelings are totally hurt that I do a lot for others and am constantly thinking of others and no one seems to reciprocate. Not sure how to say all this without sounding like a brat... But we kinda sound similar b/c FHs group is doing a big group trip to FL and they always do a big destination bachelor party for the groom.

    Anyways, I can't help you at all except say that really sucks. Just try to remember at the end of the day you have a new best friend that will always be there for you. And hopefully you two can have a warm honeymoon!

    If your BMs want to do a local bachelorette perhaps that could be fun. But I would get not wanting to if you live in NYC and it's cold. Keep your head up about it and focus on marrying your fiance!!

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  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    Planning your own bachelorette party and having such high standards for your friends can often lead to disappointment. Let your friends do their thing and offer to host a bachelorette for you if they’d like, though they may not since you’ve already gone against etiquette and started planning your own.
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  • earias
    Champion December 2017
    earias ·
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    Exactly this.

    Also, I don't know if it is just me in general or being in my 40s, but I would never in a million years expect my girlfriends to go on a multi-day destination trip for my bachelorette party and I'm an attorney well established in my career and they are also established professionals with good salaries. We could easily afford it, but it just seems too much and I would never presume to do that to them. Part of the fun of being the bride is sitting back and letting your friends plan these things for you. The more involved you are, the more you miss out on enjoying this opportunity. For me, my girls came up with several ideas and asked me to choose my favorite. We spent the day at the spa and then enjoyed dinner afterwards. It was fun, relaxing and I didn't feel guilty about them spending hundreds to thousands of dollars on me.

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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    We aren’t following any “etiquette” strictly. I have also learned to ask for what I want, or don’t want, and my MOH fully supports this approach. I basically did all the hard research and shared my interests with my MOH and she has reached out to finished planning and booking. Like I said, my fiancé and I agreed we wanted to do to celebrate this special time in our lives.
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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    Thanks. Yeah, I’ve been working so hard to plan our wedding on budget, for as inexpensive as possible, for everyone involved including guests. It’s just frustrating because I also don’t think it’s fair that significantly more of our budget goes towards his bachelor trip, because he’s still paying for his own airfare and hotel. I knew my trip would be smaller, but to not have one at all is a real let down. I also had a “best friend” bail on being a bridesmaid (and our friendship) and my fiancé’s sister decide she doesn’t want to be involved in wedding at all (she was a bridesmaid too). So this subject has just been rough 😔
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  • FutureStephD
    Super March 2019
    FutureStephD ·
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    I think destination bachelor/ette parties are a newer phenomenon/ generational. Many millennial's are delaying marriage and ownership of goods (i.e. homeownership) in favor of trips and experiences as well as paying down student loans.

    Good point about enjoying the opportunity. I hadn't thought about that...

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  • FutureStephD
    Super March 2019
    FutureStephD ·
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    Oh no. That is rough!

    I'm surprised but understand FH paying for his flight and hotel. My FH's group picks up the groom and has for everyone. I told them if it would make or break the trip I would pay for his flight and hotel b/c he's the last to get married and would devastated if nine friends got the bachelor trip but not him.

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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    Ha, same, he’s the last to get married and everyone has gone on trips. He’s had to miss out on some trips because of budget. Funny, they are IN their 40’s and love the idea of getting away for a weekend. We girls are in our 30’s and are all actors/ dancers/ artists without kids yet. His boys would have probably planned a trip for him even if he didn’t ask for one. I’m happy for him, but I suppose feeling a little jealous. Thx for understanding.
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  • Officiallymrs
    Super May 2010
    Officiallymrs ·
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    I don’t think you saying you don’t think it’s fair that more of the budget going to his bachelor party really holds any value .. it sounds more like you might be jealous that he is going to be going away while you may not be able too which I understand because i would have been jealous too.. my friends and I went to Nashville for mine and everything was decided together .. anyone who wouldn’t afford it didn’t come - and if most of the girls were to say they couldn’t afford it then we wouldn’t have gone and I would have been more then happy doing something more reasonable with them
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  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
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    Yup and earias too.

    OP reread their posts. Pretend I said the same things.
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  • M
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    Mim ·
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    You should have just paid for everything, for everyone, if you wanted something so specific. It is never right to spend other people's money. If you had followed etiquette and not set high standards for others, and had graciously accepted what ever they had offered, you wouldn't be dealing with drama. Drama you created.
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  • S
    Devoted January 2019
    S ·
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    This might not be your ideal, but if you're in NY, you could consider whether a single night in DC or Philly would be in the budget. Amtrak + bus go there. DC in particular has a ton of free stuff to do such as museums. Maybe you could cover a shared hotel room or airbnb for the night? Of course, I wouldn't push it if you think that would still be out of the budget.

    Otherwise just try to be understanding of your friends and plan an affordable local get-together. Personally, as a grad student working long hours, I wouldn't be likely to attend a destination trip, and wouldn't expect my friends to attend one for me.

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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    I asked my bridesmaids upfront about budgets and gave them cost expectations before they even said yes or no to being bridesmaids. Nothing has been booked and no one is expected to attend (which I also expressed when asking them to be BM) no one is spending anyone’s money here. I’m just disappointed and was looking to see if anyone had gone through something similar.
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  • Anne
    Beginner March 2019
    Anne ·
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    Some of these comments have made me feel worse about the situation as some people seem to think I’m being rude and spending people’s money. Thanks to those who gave helpful suggestions ✌🏻
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  • M
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    Mim ·
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    Giving them cost expectations is spending their money. Your expectations are too much.

    You really, for the sake of your relationships, need to take a step back. Your wedding party should be your nearest and dearest friends/family. The point is to honor them because of the roles they have had in your life. Not for them to throw parties for you. If anyone had offered to plan anything, that would have been a wonderful, lovely bonus.

    By expecting a huge vacation, paid by them, with money you told them to spend, you have created drama. You really ought to apologize to them for losing sight of what is important. If at this point anyone wants to host something, graciously accept.
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  • Colleen
    Master September 2019
    Colleen ·
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    So I get what you are saying. Yet unless your fiancé and you are paying for everyone you can’t decide on budget type questions. Also if people are missing work, school and have families. So the wedding is about you. Yet as a bride it is your job to check budgets and so on. I do get why you are upset. How bout a weekend in upstate NY or NJ? I know you want out of the cold but if someone can not afford it they can not afford it. So just be aware that people may not be able to attend. If you do maimi.
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