Bachelorette: Butlers in the Buff or No?

I’ve never heard of sexy butlers and am a little scared to Google it. 😆 Can you explain what it is so we could come up with alternatives?

Your friends are ultimately supposed to be the ones volunteering to organize an event in your honor. IMO it was inappropriate to pressure your friends to travel to Miami when they were resistant or to attempt to dictate the activities now. Isn’t it more important to be with your MOH?

Sounds like your friends were reluctant in the first place to do this trip. Feels like now you should probably take a step back with your expectations and let everyone plan what they want. Your expectations sound quite high, and you already have a lot planned.

Your MOH has clearly said that your stripper/nudity/butler plan conflicts with her boundaries. I think it's worth listening to that and respecting it. You don't get to dictate what's right for someone else. She can either step out of that activity or you can plan something more appropriate for her needs. Either way, she doesn't deserve blowback for sticking to her boundaries.

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Sexy butlers are basically cute dudes who show up in their boxers (or a thong if you want to be really cheeky!) and serve you drinks.

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Yea I agree, the thing is that my MOH has pushed back on almost everything for my bachelorette. She is the main person who pushed back on Miami because of the price.... I live in FL and love Miami, but many of my friends are back in Virginia, so for them it's a bit of a stretch. She said she was committed to planning me a bachelorette because I was her MOH and put a lot of work, money, and stress into planning hers. So, I guess that's why it has been frustrating with the amount of pushback she's given me in planning the trip. But, ultimately I knew it was a huge ask when I initiated the conversation with all of my bridesmaids and friends and told everyone that they do not have to come and I would not be mad if they didn't participate in the bachelorette (and I have respected that as a few of my bridesmaids are not able to attend).

I think since you're already doing other flamboyant/sexy stuff like the pole dancing and drag show, it's OK to respect her wishes in this case and skip the sexy butlers. But as someone mentioned, usually the MOH and bridesmaids plan the activities. So maybe tell her you'll cancel that and she can plan you a surprise instead (or just some downtime which is important on all group trips).

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You should not have been involved in planning anything or having input on anything besides a date. Sounds like you really pressured people to do things they didn't want to do.

The bride should not plan the pre wedding parties at all. When people showed hesitation at prices, locations, vibes, the conversation should have stopped then. If the maid/matron of honor is an actual friend, you need to respect her boundaries and comfort zone or end the friendship now. It comes across that you don’t care that she is uncomfortable about traveling and the lack of modesty.

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That's my point. There should have been no pushing back because you shouldn't have been involved to this degree to begin with. Those interested in planning something are the ones who should be running the show, not you. Her being committed to planning something doesn't mean you can make demands.

Wow, I was not expecting so much negative feedback and it has really gotten me on a downward spiral. I guess I am a jerk and really owe my MOH an apology.... I'll be muting this conversation and not that I owe any random person on the internet an explanation, I do want to give two final disclaimers. First, every women/bride I know has had significant say in their bachelorette party and this is definitely the status quo among my friend group. Second, as I mentioned before, when I initially invited my bridesmaids and other friends to the bachelorette, I gave everyone an out and basically said "yes, this is a big ask, I know it's a big ask, and I completely understand if you're out for this one". I have been involved in other group trips and bachelorettes where there has been drama because people feel pressured to go and spend money and that is NOT what I wanted for mine. So, I have worked hard to be understanding if people did not want to participate in the weekend.

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I think you do owe her an apology, yes. It might help, because I'm sure she's feeling some type of way about this. I'd take a huge step back in the planning/coercing people as I mentioned before. You have enough activities to have a great time.

A bride or groom planning their own over the top pre-wedding events is problematic, and we've seen it over and over on here.

View Quoted Comment Just because other people in your circles have tried to run the show doesn’t make it any more appropriate. Not to mention your friends have been showing and telling you that all this doesn’t work for them.


Telling people they don’t have to come to an over the top, multi day destination blow out that includes activities some are not comfortable with is not enough. Those most close to you no doubt felt an obligation and will sacrifice to make you happy. The responsibility is yours not to allow that to happen.

It's about boundaries. They told you theirs several times and you dismissed them because you want to throw yourself a party your way. Telling your closest friends to "just not come" says you not only don't respect them, but you don't even need them around. Many brides aren't friends with their bridesmaids as real life moves on. If you truly care about your friendships, learn to listen and respect boundaries.

When you party with friends you should do what they all are agreeable to do. It is better if you are not changing from their comfortable activities. Maybe on a separate gathering, do something wild with people who are agreeable to do such activity. Maybe you can get both of your wishes ( a bach and a wild night) without upsetting your friends.

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YOU DO NOT NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR THIS.

I am so sorry people on this chat are making you feel badly about your choices and what you want to do for your bachelorette. While it might be typical for friends/bridal party/etc. to plan a bachelorette, it sounds like you knew exactly what you wanted, had a plan and if that's what you were comfortable with doing, it's YOUR party and day!

I also planned my own bachelorette. I had a plethora of friends who helped but I had a clear vision of what I wanted (a party bus with a stripper pole that would take us to wineries, a nice dinner reservation, a drunk painting night, etc) and didn't want anyone to have to worry about contacting everyone I wanted to invite, planning logistics, etc. I ended up with 25 girls in attendance and those who didn't want to partake in all the activities did not. Some stayed for one night, some drove separately to the wineries, it was whatever they were comfortable with and that's all I could ask for.

I HATE surprises and not being in the loop, so it was easier for me to take the reins and plan instead of having my party to do. While it's not the norm, that doesn't mean it's wrong. You sound like you have a clear vision and no one should put you down for that or make you feel badly.

Miami sounds like a blast and I would just tell your friend who doesn't want to participate that you understand--it's her preference and choice but I'm sure she'll be there to support you in other ways over the weekend. Know that those girls who want to be present or feel comfortable with what you want to do, will be there.

You keep doing you, and I hope you have the best weekend ever.

View Quoted Comment Clearly, her own friends were put off by all this which is really all OP needs to know. “You do you” at the risk of resentment and relationships.


Hosting your own bachelorette or shower is not the norm because according to etiquette it’s self serving, and not considered polite or acceptable, so no big surprise there.

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... if your friends know you well enough to be invited or included in a bachelorette, they should feel comfortable telling you what they are and are not comfortable participating in. In turn, the person hosting should understand that every activity might not be other's cup of tea and that's okay.

I'm very grateful my friends were accommodating, I had all but one invited out of all 25 unable to attend and were happy to participate. Also grateful my friends were accepting of my "self-serving" behavior, my rudeness and my undue approach to planning. I truly must be an anomaly to have such incredible people with how awful of a person you're painting me to be.

I stand by my comment, to each their own and if nothing else, these forums have made me appreciate my group, my family, and my fiancé that are accepting of what we've planned and I'm proud to have people less judgmental and critical than what I continue to see on these forums.

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The OP wasn't listening to what her friends were saying though. Also, she was not understanding that her MOH was uncomfortable and stated that she was feeling "frustrated and upset" about that.

We let people know about these things not to be critical or judgemental but to present the other side of the argument. Ultimately I try to advocate and help the bride understand where the situation went wrong, to try and save the relationships. So many friendships are damaged by unmet expectations and failures of understanding.

Again, I do think that at the very least her MOH deserves understanding, especially since presumably they were close enough for her to be the MOH in the first place. Advising people to stay stuck in their perspective doesn't always work for the greater good in these situations.

Re; bachelorettes, often, very often brides come on here telling us that they are hurt that they can't have a social media worthy pre-wedding party. Expectations are way through the roof, and someone planning it to honour themselves sets up a world of trouble. Etiquette-wise, it's a faux pas, but more than that, it sets up a plan that may be doomed to fail. No-one will care as much as the bride about her wedding, and that's just reality

It's not longer "your day" when you involve the schedules, budgets and feelings of other people.

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You may never know what people really think. If a very close friend did something like this, and it was within my power to attend, I might. I wouldn't be lecturing her because that would be just as rude.

The issue I see is the people closest to you will often make every effort to attend, even if the plans themselves are unreasonable or they were never consulted. IMO it's unrealistic to tell people that they are free to participate or not. That should go without saying. Reality is there will likely be people who sacrifice beyond what they are comfortable with, particularly, when it's the bride herself doing the asking.

Some posters shared etiquette information in the genuine hope that it can still be helpful to OP or others who are still in the planning stages. By the way, nobody ever said she or you are awful. I'm sure that's not the case.