Asking bridesmaids? Proposal party ideas? Including Fsils?

I personally think this is way too much to include in the proposal as they have not even accepted. I have never heard of a “proposal party” but it seems like it would really put pressure on people to say yes on the spot, when it’s really a lot to consider especially considering travel. I think you should ask them each individually and if/when they accept then provide the boxes. Don’t ask FSIL if the relationship is as you described.

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I agree with this. People who feel pressured to say yes (by public "proposals" and tons of gifts) sometimes end up being the ones that brides complain about here. Far better to be low key until they are enthusiastically on board, and then provide them with the information they need to participate. Maybe save the gifts for the rehearsal dinner/night before so that they function more as thank you gifts.

I’ve never heard of a proposal party, but it sounds like a lot of fun! As PP mentioned though, it may put people on the spot and make them feel as though they have to accept the proposal. It may be more considerate to ask them individually, then maybe have a little “they said yes” celebration at your place after all have given their answers. I know the intention behind providing all the information you listed is good, as an outsider it definitely comes off as super high maintenance. If someone gave me all that information while asking me to be their bridesmaid, I think I would politely decline, because I’d see all kinds of red flags that this bride is going to be a bridezilla (not saying that you are one!). The fact that you have all this planned out already, and you mentioned more than once them attending your bridal shower, I fear that your expectations of your bridal party are too high. Attending pre-wedding events is never mandatory for your wedding party. And the fact that they are in different states means there is a very good chance they will not be able attend your bridal shower, and may not be able to host or attend a bachelorette party, or go dress shopping with you either (unless these events happen while you are still living in the same state). As far as FSIL goes, I am curious why you would even ask her to be in your bridal party. Bridesmaids should be your absolute nearest and dearest and biggest supporters. It does not sound like you are close to her at all, and that she is not even close with your fiancé (her brother). I would definitely reconsider that choice.

View Quoted Comment Just to add one more thing to consider: you are graduating in May and your wedding is in June. You mentioned everyone’s moving different places and (hopefully) starting new jobs. They may not be able to commit to more than the evening of the wedding at this point, depending on their post-college plans.

View Quoted Comment Didn’t mean to make that a reply 😂

Skip all the gifts because they pressure people to say yes on the spot without consideration whether they are able to do the job or they want to. Ask them in a regular conversation over coffee or FaceTime/text. Be upfront about your expectations so they are informed and can decide from there

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My inbox suddenly got very popular!

I would definitely appreciate all the info from the start because it makes your expectations known when they go in.

However you should only ask your closest innermost social circle/support system. Don’t ask in laws to participate unless you are already BFFs

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I've definitely thought about that! I love FH's little sister and we've been able to spend a lot of time together on FH and I's weekend trips down to Indy these past couple of years, so I'd love to have her as a junior bridesmaid! The trouble is, FMIL said we don't have to include the siblings, but it's an all or nothing thing. If I don't ask my older FSIL, I can't ask my younger FSIL, and FH can't ask his little brother or brother-in-law (FSIL's husband). I also want us to have a good relationship eventually, so I don't want to put a further wedge between us by singling her out (she would be the only sibling not included - though FH wouldn't ask her husband if I didn't ask her, of course).

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I never said I was expecting them to attend - I said I was planning on telling them it's optional to host! If they want to help with the bridal shower they can (and I'm sure my mom would appreciate it), but it's totally not expected. Same thing with attending - they're totally welcome to come, but I'm not expecting any of them to spend their spring breaks in Houston for my bridal shower! I just know that if I was asked to be a bridesmaid and I had never done it before, I would be researching what bridesmaids are supposed to do and hosting the bridal shower would be one of the things that would come up - I just don't want them to feel pressured to participate in that event if they can't!

View Quoted Comment Gotcha! If your intentions are to make sure they don’t feel pressured to participate in pre-wedding events, I think that’s how I would word it to them. I wouldn’t say anything about it being “traditional that the bridesmaids host” or attend showers or bachelorettes. I would just say something to the effect of “I know we will all likely be living in different states, so I have no expectations of any of you attending pre-wedding events. I just want my best friends standing with me at my wedding. Your presence on that day is all I need!”


The reason I mentioned setting realistic expectations is because there are brides on here ALL THE TIME who have created in their minds these huge expectations of their bridal parties hosting all these events and going to bridal appointments and constantly talking wedding on a bridesmaid group chat, and then they are sad and disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

View Quoted Comment Hosting a bridal shower is always optional, there’s no need to mention that. The bridesmaids responsibilities should include wearing/buying their dress and showing up to support the bride on their wedding day. I agree with Cece on reeling in expectations. The way you’re presenting everything feels like more pressure to attend than not mentioning them at all. Also if you so want them there I’d consider rescheduling from spring break.

View Quoted Comment It really is not all or nothing because you are making the decisions. When they get married (or did in the past), they will select people of their choice and it won’t be all the relatives so they don’t have room to talk. Their anger or other responses is not your responsibility and they should be adults enough to accept your choice and be happy to celebrate with you regardless.

I love the upfront information, especially if they may not have a lot of experience with weddings/bridal parties. I would definitely echo the comment about the pressure - if I were the one asked, I would love love love the info/schedule/details/timeline so that I could make an informed decision, BUT I would definitely feel pressure to say yes to not be the odd man out at the party, and I wouldn't want to cause a scene. I love the idea of a "they said yes" party after asking them individually!!!! I called my BMs individually, and gave them the important information over the phone (about costs/dresses) BEFORE asking them if they would be willing to be a BM or not. Overall, I think your heart and your head are absolutely in the right place - it's clear that you want to be super considerate of them, especially as it's a big time of change in y'alls' lives!

Thank y’all for all of the input! I scheduled coffee dates/dinners with all of my friends leading up to this weekend and celebrated their agreement Sunday afternoon! It was an absolute dream, and they’re so excited to start planning the bridal shower and bachelorette trip! 🤍✨

I also decided to go with the balloon arch and other decor I had originally planned on! It was very much on-brand and my friends got a kick out of the fact that I was playing a Martha Stewart playlist in the background! 😂

My lovely Maid of Honor!! She gets very sentimental and cried at the folder I gave her with all of the info and pictures (it was personalized and matches my wedding invitations!) — I’m so happy that she’s so excited!

View Quoted Comment Thank you so much!! Your message brightened my day after a few others made me feel like I was doing everything wrong! I scheduled coffee/dinner dates with each of my bridesmaids leading up to the party on Sunday afternoon, and decided to go with your idea of a “they said YES” party! It was lovely! I also gave them all the information I thought they may need so they can start planning, which they all appreciated so much! I posted photos below if you’re curious Thank you so much again for making me feel so much better! 🤍

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In regards to the all or nothing statement, I feel as though unless the MIL is paying for a substantial portion of the wedding then it is not her call to make. You should not feel pressured into asking someone to be such an important part of your day if they make you or FH uncomfortable in any way. For example, I had a falling out with someone who I had thought might be my maid of honor, dropped out of her wedding and everything. My fiancé is planning to ask her husband (his long time friend who I still consider a good friend of mine as well) to be a groomsman but we had a conversation about it together first to make it clear this does not mean the wife will be in the wedding party but she will still be invited. Not sure how this will play out just yet and you might be more of a peacekeeper than myself. My best suggestion is to follow your own hearts and minds when it comes to these types of decisions, do not allow anyone to force you to do something you might regret later.