Any advice on overbearing and nosey future in laws?!

There is so much more I wanted to say but I ran out of room. Is this something I can fix? Do I have to get used to it? Grin and bear it? I know she is adjusting to the move. I know it's hard not seeing her grandkids every single day. I know I need to be more compassionate. And I am trying. But there has to be a line somewhere. It makes it harder on me and the kids relationship as well and I am not okay with that. The oldest told his grandfather tonight that my fiance stayed here last night. (They don't "allow" us to stay at the house together. For many months my fiance has slept on their recliner when I am in town..another reason we got the new place) and his grandfather said, then it looks like you need to start staying with us...like really?! I just don't know how much more I can take before I tell them how I really feel haha

I think FH needs to have a discussion with them about boundaries. Have FH tell them they need to call before coming over in order to respect your family's privacy.

Alison... do they always throw backhanded insults? Or just last night? I can pretty much guarantee if they didnt see you smoking they smelled it... that may have been something that threw them off...if they didnt already know

Allow? How old are yall? He needs to stand up to his parents and tell them he is staying in HIS home.

One word, boundaries. Your FH needs to be firm with them and set clear boundaries.

Agreed with everyone else. Time for your FH to let go of his moms apron strings and set limits

I don't think they have the power to decide where the kids stay.

Your FH needs to tell them to call first. If not then you'll have to do

It and not let them in if they show up unannounced again. I hate drop ins. Hate them!

Yes i have been begging him to have the boundaries talk. They just texted him while he is at work telling him he needs to come over to have a talk. He is 33 btw. I am almost 25. We are freaking adults!!!!!! And I am sure if they smelled it on me now they have 100 times. But I didn't get close to them tonight, I stayed on the other side of the room and the paint smell is so strong idk if they smelled it or not but honestly I don't care at this point. I want them to. And the insult thing...idk. sometimes she is the sweetest woman alive and sometimes she has a way of making my blood boil or making me want to cry. She is the type that says mean things in a nice way, which is even worse in my opinion. I feel like my FH knows but doesn't fully understand because he doesn't get how woman can cut throat without even breaking a smile

And the thing I hate most is she nor her husband ever adress issues with me even if they are about me. They will go behind my back to my fh and put him in the middle every time. He's a mommas boy and I hate feeling like I am the reason they are having issues. But I am trying my hardest and I have just gotten to the enough is enough point! Like the other day she dropped in while I was painting and we were talking about two chairs we have, one is mine and one is his, so I thought. She bought it at a yard sale many years ago and gave it to him. I told her I was wanting to paint them and reupholater them to match. Once she left she told her husband to tell my FH that it was her chair and I was not allowed to paint it. That we can keep it but I just can't paint it to reupholster it....like seriously it's just petty crap!

I agree that a conversation needs to be had but I disagree that FH needs to be the one to tell them. Both of you need to be involved. This is your home and your kids just as much as they are FH's and the two of you need to be firm and have each other's backs.

I agree with that. I want to be there. I don't know if the FH wants me there, I don't know if he is scared I will get my feelings hurt or is scared I will blow my lid haha but I feel I need to be there. He said he talked to them on the phone just now and he said don't worry everything is fine. Like bull crap it is, it isn't for me. Because even if they say they won't drop in they do and it is always when he is at work. I feel like they are wanting to discredit me. To make him believe I am over exaggerating when I know I am not. But he normally just goes with what they say, that's why he stays in their stupid recliner, while his children are with me the entire night, it's ridiculous. We are a blended family, his children call me mom because theirs walked out, same with my son. But it is hard for us to blend when we aren't all here and are being divided by his parents.

I'm confused if he isn't "allowed" to spend the night where do they think the boys came from?

I don't envy your situation. No one wants to fight their parent and some find it even uncomfortable to do so in the defense of their SO. But it is something that needs to be done lest you hope for a his and hers stroke to take care of them for you

Tell FH to man up (but kinder), the in laws to butt out (but nicer), and put down some rules like, between the hours of 7-111, it's family time. No, our family time, we'll see you Sunday.

It sounds like the 2 of you need to talk about this more alone. If he "stands up" to them but then backs down and just goes with what they say, that makes it easy for them to continue this behavior. Both of you need to stand up to them...and mean it.

"No mom and dad, I'm sleeping in my home with my (almost) wife and kids." And he needs to actually do it.

"Mom and dad/Jeff and Barb, you guys HAVE to stop coming by unannounced. It's making it difficult for us to keep the kids on a routine and frankly, it's rude and an invasion of our privacy as a family. If you don't call and ask if you can come by, you can expect the door to remain unanswered." And actually don't answer the door when they ring to doorbell.

"Barb, I'm not sure if there's some miscommunication between the two of us, but you've said X, Y, and Z and it really bothered/hurt me that you said it..." And get to the bottom of it.

Of course I don't know you guys personally so I'm not sure if those exact words would work, but you get the idea.

We don't have kids together to the comment above, we have both been married before. Which makes this all the worse because it isn't like this is their first time seeing their son getting married...my FH keeps making the excuse for his parents that since his kids mom walked out that they have helped alot and they babysat them everyday and that she is having a hard time letting go.. it even got so bad that his boys started calling her mom at one point. I get family help, I get adjustments are hard. But her role is a grandma. Not a mother. And we literally moved less than 2 miles away, it's a 5 minute drive if you get stopped at every light. I had to leave my family, my home town, my church, my friends, and that is fine because I want my life with him where ever that may be. But I didn't give up so much only for us to be divided by his parents because they are but hurt that we are not literally next door anymore. It's ridiculous.

Yes I agree, for weeks now we have been, mostly him haha, beating around the Bush about it because he thinks everything they are doing is coming from a good place and that she isn't meaning to say rude things she is just hurt and that if I just give it time it'll fix its self. But as much as I hate confrontation I am also someone who will speak my mind when it needs to be spoken and I believe that time is now. I don't want to hurt my fh in the process or make things harder for him but honestly his parents being preachers should know that a man is supposed to leave his parents and join his wife. Not join his wife with his parents tucked in his back pocket. I know he wants the privacy too. I know he sees their are issues. I just don't think he wants to face them. The way I see it yes it might cause a strain for awhile but in the long term once they get over it we will all be much happier and better off

He's gotta let go of that feeling that he owes them something and she has to get over the "I'm losing my son" grief. It sounds harsh and insensitive but it is what it is. That's life...kids leave the nest.

Everything you just typed is what you need to say to them. You feel like you sacrificed a lot only to have your privacy invaded and your authority as a parent undermined. It's not fair that you feel that way. You explained it perfectly in your last comment...you just have to get FH on board and say it to your ILs.

ETA: spelling

Next time she makes a backhanded comment I would ask her what did you say? Draw attention to it. I find that works for me with passive aggressive people. Your FH needs to be on your side and let it be known that he won't tolerate any bad mouthing or disrespect of you. If not I would hold off on marrying him.

He just called me and told me what all they talked about. They said they were worried because I have the living room the boys were in locked off from where I was painting and thought I was mistreating them...Bull crap. One thing I am good at is being a mom but three young boys and wet walls don't mix. They were fine though and his parents knew why I had them in there I told them myself. Then they said they don't think I like them because I acted cold. Of course I wasn't all happy just being dropped in on at the children's bedtime. Like duh. And then they brought up him sleeping here. My FH told them it isn't right to leave me here alone with all the children, and that with us remodeling it isn't feasible to leave once we are done to get a few hours of crappy sleep and then to come right back until work. His father doesn't like it but says he "gets it". Idk I think it is just time for me to talk to them. Say my peace. The middle man isn't working and it doesn't leave me satisfied because I never truly feel anything is resolved. My FH also told them no more dropping in. And explained that my day has been rough and that the drop in made it worse with how his oldest reacted and that that was why I wasn't my happy self. But I am still going to talk to them. Nip it in the butt once and for all

I would maybe wait a little until you're calmed down a bit before you talk to them. You don't want to sound accusing of them and have them really dislike you and go behind your back and talk to FH.

You and FH should both talk to them together as a team. Make sure you're both on the same page. That way, they can see that FH supports you and your decisions, and maybe they won't try to undermine you as much.