E
Devoted October 2017

NWR: Brides Who Don't Want Children

el10717, on July 6, 2017 at 8:00 PM Posted in Married Life 0 115
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Just hoping to hear from some other brides/women in a similar situation. My fiancé and I have been together for over 5 years and have always been on the same page about not wanting kids, it's just not something that either of us have ever pictured for our lives. However, the closer we get to the wedding the more questions I get about when we are having kids, when I say we aren't, I get the typical responses of "You're still young, that will change" (for reference I am 27) or "just wait until your clock starts ticking." Just wondering if anyone else is going through this and how do you respond? Does it make you worry that you might change your mind years down the road? I'm pretty sure if I don't want children now and never have, some hormone isn't going to completely undo that! Sorry for the long post, just frustrated!

115 Comments

  • K.M.
    Master September 2018
    K.M. ·
    • Flag

    I absolutely hate when people tell me that "I'm going to change my mind". Just roll your eyes and continue on. Nothing is wrong with not wanting kids.

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  • Sarah
    VIP July 2018
    Sarah ·
    • Flag

    Again this is applicable.


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  • IzziJones
    Super October 2018
    IzziJones ·
    • Flag

    I'm 27. I do have a daughter turning 10 this year BUT I'm done with having more! People just think it's the "next thing" to have children after marriage. My FH who isn't my daughter father is ok without having one. I get bugged weekly with when's the next one? Just respond with "that's personal" or I'm sorry that's our business. Unfortunately i don't think it will stop people from asking :/

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  • E
    Devoted October 2017
    el10717 ·
    • Flag

    @Jessica, I am so shy I can't imagine being that blunt but I'm sure it would work! Lol!

    It's just so frustrating that the people who ask of course are the ones that won't drop it. And none of my friends feel the way I do, they are totally cool with my choice but don't really understand it.

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
    • Flag

    Tell people that unless they have a pair of rubber gloves and a speculum, they don't need to know what's going on in your vagina.

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  • Vicki
    Master November 2017
    Vicki ·
    • Flag

    FH and I are both 27, will be 28 by the wedding. We're both on the fence about kids, but firmly no for at least the next 5 years.

    I have days where I can't imagine having kids - we are both very career driven and have goals that are ambitious to say the least. Occasionally, I wonder if I'll really feel the same in 6,7,8 years.

    The answer, I think, is that we don't know what's in the cards for us down the road. We're both on board with no kids, and both on board with the possibility of one or two later in life. As long as you both communicate with each other and Lay the groundwork and "what if" curveballs life might throw at you, and how you'd mutually handle them, I think it's okay to let life happen.

    I have people tell me "oh you just wait" and "you'll see" all the time. I just say "not for a long long long time-- I'm still a kid myself!" And laugh it off. I try not to let it bother me.

    • Reply
  • Erin
    Expert July 2017
    Erin ·
    • Flag

    I am on the fence about future children currently just because of health issues and where we are currently in our lives. My friend gave me good advice about this; always present yourself as a united front, "we are choosing..." so they know it's not just you and that this is a conscience decision between you two and also give a vague response because you really don't owe them an explanation such as, "we are enjoying our life together right now." One words answers are also a complete answer, "Maybe." When I'm asked, I divert the conversation and do the above. It usually doesn't give an opening for people to keep snooping.

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  • 24kMagicWed
    VIP May 2017
    24kMagicWed ·
    • Flag

    I am in your same boat. My husband and I are both 27. We were bombarded with that question leading up to our wedding. Now that we're married, I'm constantly being asked if I'm trying to get pregnant. Neither of us has been fond of the idea of having kids. We've been together 10 years and during that time we were more concerned about school and our careers. We really enjoy the stress free life we live. We can get up and go anytime we want. We want to travel the world and we know that's not realistic with kids. Luckily for me, I'm a kindergarten teacher. I get to spend my day with kiddos and send them home at the end of the day. That's enough to satisfy my need to "parent" lol.

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  • Sos0033
    VIP September 2017
    Sos0033 ·
    • Flag

    FH and I actually hope to have a big family, but I think the "you'll change your mind" argument is so bizarre. Isn't consciously not having children better than having them and then changing your mind and deciding oops I don't want these anymore? Edited for typo

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  • Harts&Bows
    VIP September 2017
    Harts&Bows ·
    • Flag

    I get that pretty regularly. I love kids but don't want my own. FH already has a teenaged son and I have become accustomed to my own schedule after 32 years. Most of my friends who didn't have kids by 30 actually have found they're less interested in having kids as each year passes. My dad once told me he believed my calling in life was to be a mom so needless to say I've received a lot of comments. As my parents wait for grandkids (I'm the first of 3 kids getting married) and all of their friends are starting to become grandparents it is becoming worse and worse.

    • Reply
  • E
    Devoted October 2017
    el10717 ·
    • Flag

    I can't tell you all how much it means to hear from people who get what I'm going through, and even from those of you who don't! I may just have to go with the sarcastic asshole approach since it's usually the same people asking. The worst is when my FMIL tells me that my FH will just go along with whatever I decide, that its up to the woman. Um NO!

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  • T
    Devoted October 2019
    Tiffany ·
    • Flag

    My fiance and I are in the "if it happens" box. But I hate it when random people, I don't even know, comment on my need to have kids. The worse one was an older lady grabbing my hip(hard) and saying, "You have good birthing hips. How many do you have now? Looks like 2 or 3." I have none. I told her this and she reponded that i needed to get started. This was all based on my hip she grabbed. Refused to help that lady since. @jessicaB. Thats Great. I want to use that. Lmao.

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  • Chris
    Expert November 2018
    Chris ·
    • Flag

    My mother has the baby fever, even though I have told her, multiple times, I do not want children. I'm not even in the "I like kids but don't want my own" category. I don't like kids, like at all. I try to avoid them because i get shitty and no kid needs me getting shitty with them. It really gets infuriating when people tell me I'm going to change my mind , because I'm not. I know I'm not because I have thought a good deal about it.

    I feel your pain.

    That, and the entire concept of actually being pregnant is insane to me.

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  • Mrsbdg
    Champion August 2017
    Mrsbdg ·
    • Flag

    My FH and I hear this all the time. So many people ask if I'm planning kids right away. I tell them bluntly that we don't want nor will we ever want children. When they tell me I'll change my mind I just respond that I believe we are a better judge of our preferences than a third party. I've gotten pretty blunt because I hate hearing how selfish, cold, heartless, child-hating, and "crazy" I am. I'm excited to be an aunt some day but Aunt Jess is all I will ever be.

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  • AlexisSSDD
    Expert September 2018
    AlexisSSDD ·
    • Flag

    @el10717

    My FH and I aren't having kids. He never, ever wanted them. And I've always felt the same. We've been together almost five years in December. I'm 35 and he's 39. I absolutely love children and have always loved them. I've been "the babysitter" and "the aunt" to so many children. I've worked in childcare and I've been a substitute teacher for over two years (I'm going to get my teaching certificate).

    After being on one birth control for a chunk of years, I had to change to another one. Well, none of the others I preferred were covered under my insurance. So, last year I got my tubes tied. I was a little sad right afterwards, but it was the right decision. And we've both had a few moments of "what if". He and I talked about it again and still have no desire to have kids. We've both discussed it so many times. But, we came to the same conclusion: no. Eh, we said that if we still had the inkling to have a child, we'd try adoption. But, I seriously don't see that happening. We don't even have a pet. The closest thing we have to taking care of something, are our potted orchards. We call them our children!

    Anywho, I do believe that's beyond enough sharing is caring time...sorry I rambled on so long.

    I'm sending you and your FH good vibes that y'all will do what's best for your relationshipSmiley smile

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  • Heather
    Super June 2018
    Heather ·
    • Flag

    @kristin has hit the nail on the head. I am 34, and my desire to have children lessens as the years progress. My FH has an amazing son that I love with all my heart and that is enough for me.

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
    • Flag

    Also, if you don't want children, stick to it and speak up. I have several married friends who are childless by choice. There is nothing wrong with them, it's their choice, just as wanting and having children is a choice. Tell people that if they call you every time they have sex to procreate, you will return the favour. (You may have guessed I'm not fond of people prying into other people's business).

    • Reply
  • Kyle
    Devoted August 2017
    Kyle ·
    • Flag

    I'm completely opposite on the having kids spectrum, but I can't imagine making comments like that to people! I have friends that have struggled for years with infertility, and others that have chosen not to have any and are completely happy in their decision. Ultimately it is your choice and it's nobody else's business!

    • Reply
  • Miranda
    VIP May 2017
    Miranda ·
    • Flag

    People are so rude! It is none of their business. I have a friend who never wants kids and she gets hassled about it all the time. It is no ones business. I don't have kids yet. We do want them but people still push me like I need to hurry and start having babies (I'm 25).

    Also I am so in love with my dogs. I treat them like my babies. And I find it so insulting when someone acts like I won't love them at much when I have a kid. So really? When you love a child you can't love anything else? That is such bullshit and insulting. Just because they feel a certain way they assume you do too. Anyway I sympathize with people being all up in your business. You totally have the right to not want kids.

    • Reply
  • Tricia
    VIP October 2017
    Tricia ·
    • Flag

    I never really wanted children. I heard all the same things at my first wedding, just wait, all the other babies in the family. I tried for the ex to save the marriage, failed at both. I love children, I'm an awesome Aunt and godmother. Just never saw myself as a mom. This time around he feels the same and we are getting the you aren't really too old with help. I'm 42. Most people don't realize I had a hysterectomy 2 years ago. Need tons of help!

    The point, it's a personal choice between 2 people. And you know what is right for you.

    • Reply

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