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Dedicated September 2020

Need some advice

Furure Mrs., on March 6, 2020 at 11:34 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6
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So this isn't really wedding related, but y'all give the best advice which I could really use right now. I apologize for how long this is.

I've been really lucky in the last year... got my dream job, FH and I are finally financially stable, we went on a dream vacation, got engaged, are planning our wedding, and now we are hoping to purchase our first home (which we haven't told anyone about because we are waiting on our mortgage approval first).

My family has been so supportive, but my older sister is having a bit of a hard time lately and while she doesn't like to say it often is a bit jealous. I completely understand where her feelings are coming from, because to her it feels like she's stuck where she is while I check off all of the big milestones before her even though she is older than I am.

I try not to discuss the wedding or jobs/ finances, etc. when we talk unless she brings it up because I know that she always thought she would get married first being the older sibling. But I know that eventually if we get the house we are hoping to buy, I will have to tell her about it. I know she will be excited for us, but I don't want to add to the tension because I know that it will be a bit of an emotional blow for her.

I don't know how to tell her about this while trying to minimize the impact it will have on her emotionally. I definitely don't want to rub her nose in it, but I can't just avoid telling her. Any advice on how to handle this situation gently?

6 Comments

Latest activity by Sharonda, on March 6, 2020 at 12:48 PM
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
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    I would just try not to talk much about it to her but also I don’t want you to think that you can’t share in your excitement because I’m sure she would be happy for you but there’s probably a lot of other things apart from you that could cause her to self reflect on her own life
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  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I would not discuss it at all. I think it is great you are thinking of her but you have to lead your life. If she does not like her life then she has to do what she needs to in order to make it better. I would maybe avoid telling her but when she does she will need to just bare through it.

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  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
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    My husband's older sister is a drunk (and has been for a long time) but she completely lost it as we got closer to the wedding and bought a house, got married, excelled in our jobs, etc. Neither of us let it bother us, it's not our problem. We never discuss income or finances or our mortgage or anything even if she asks, we just change the subject or say something like "I can't remember" or whatever. It really isn't my problem (or my husband's) that she can't be happy for her brother and sister in law and everything is a competition in her eyes. It's sad for my husband because a lot of his family is like that so he never discusses promotions or anything to most his family because he doesn't want to brag, but he seems fine with it and my family always celebrates his wins.

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  • Sharonda
    Rockstar January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    Has your sister said or done anything to make you believe she is jealous or not happy for you or are you just thinking about her feelings? As the oldest sister whose youngest sister got married and had kids while I was still trying to meet someone worth having a second conversation with, I was genuinely happy for her but I did sometimes wonder why I was "stuck." However, those feelings were not mutual exclusive. They were completely separate, and while I wanted those things for myself, I wasn't upset or jealous that my sister had them. It may be the same for your sister. Even though she wants it for herself, it may not be a blow to her if she's genuinely happy for you (despite what she doesn't have yet). Just a thought from an older sister who has been there. Smiley smile

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  • F
    Dedicated September 2020
    Furure Mrs. ·
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    Thank you Sharonda, I really appreciate your perspective! What you've explained seems to be exactly how she is feeling! She has expressed recently that while she is thrilled for FH and I, she is a bit jealous because watching things fall into place for us recently has made her more aware that she is having a harder time having the same things in her life happen.

    I know for a fact that she will be happy for us, I just don't want to seem like I'm bragging or rubbing her nose in it at all. She has been such a huge support and cheerleader for me my whole life, and lately has been dealt a tough hand (however is dealing with it exceptionally well) so I don't want to pile more emotions on top of that for her. I just want to figure out how best to broach this without her feeling more like she's stuck or falling behind.

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  • Sharonda
    Rockstar January 2021
    Sharonda ·
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    Taylor, it sounds like your sister loves you. If your relationship with your sister is anything like the one I have with mine, our wins are each other's wins (even if it's not happening directly to us). My youngest sister got married 6 years ago at 26 and had a baby a year later. I'll be 41 when I get married for the first time next year. I had to wait a little while to get my "happily ever after", and your sister's will come to her as well. In the meantime, continue to share your life with her -- the ups and the downs. Sharing what is going on in your life isn't bragging. I think she'll understand and be cheering you on along the way!

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