You're on our mind during COVID-19. See our related wedding FAQs.

Jules
Dedicated January 2019

Meet my mother.

Jules, on June 28, 2018 at 3:47 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13
Saved Save
Reply

So I have tried to hold off on posing about this, but I wonder if anyone has gone through something similar.

For some time I've had a testy relationship with my mom. We are ok, and I love her more than anything, but I'm torn between wanting her support and approval during the wedding planning process, and not wanting her involved- at all!

Background: My parents went (are going through) a very nasty divorce, and theres a lot of bad blood. Unfortunately my mom gets too tied up in the idea of seeing my father (or his large Italian family) and uses this as her reason for why I shouldn't have a big wedding, or a wedding at all... 2 weeks ago I received a message from her- out of nowhere- reading:

"Jules, I love you more than anything, but I think your wedding should be put off. I cannot give you what I want for you and I do not want a bad day for you guys. I am going through an awful lot....Please defer it. You guys can get married by a justice of the peace tomorrow we can deal with the rest later. I cannot help you with wedding right now and I love you. But it is very bad timing considering the circumstances..."

This went back and forth between her and I. Essentially, I am sympathetic to her situation (and I was clear to tell her this), but deposits have been made, and the planning is in process. There's no going back now. I tried to explain to her that as much as I would like for her to be a part of things, I will understand if she doesn't want to take part in this day. And unfortunately, this will help to avoid a lot more drama down the road.

Sorry for the story, but I will take any advice anyone can share. My mindset at this point is, I'm cordial with her, but have no intentions to include her on anything moving forward. It just makes me very sad.

End rant.

13 Comments

  • Jennifer
    Master September 2018
    Jennifer ·
    • Flag

    I totally relate to Momma drama - my mom has expressed little to no interest in my wedding. I choose not to discuss it with her unless she asks which is NEVER. We will see if she actually shows up, the day of. I love my mom, like you said, but I keep my expectations low. She gets ill an awful lot when it has something to do with me or my son, but goes out of her way for my little brother and his children.

    What is your mom paying for that she is saying she can't do? I would not change my wedding at all, for anyone unless it was a serious medical emergency or something else.

    • Reply
  • Sara P.
    VIP October 2018
    Sara P. ·
    • Flag
    Is she paying for the wedding?
    • Reply
  • Little Star
    Expert April 2019
    Little Star ·
    • Flag
    I think it was pretty rude of your mom to suggest that you put off your wedding, despite her going through a hard time. I get that and all, but right now she needs to be your mom and support you. It’s only one day, she really should be able to put aside all those feelings and be there for you! I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I wish I had some advice for you. Your wedding is in January? That’s still a little ways off. I hope she starts to feel better and changes her mind about this! If not, she will really regret it I think...
    • Reply
  • Allie
    Super September 2018
    Allie ·
    • Flag

    So I cant help but notice how many times she said "I" in her message to you! Thats unfortunately as you know the issue... she thinks this is about her, and its not.. so I will say to you, you will resent her for ever if you cancel this wedding because of her. Have the wedding.. i think shell come, but just dont pay attention to her negativity! This is about YOU and FH! Not her! Im so so sorry your dealing with this!

    • Reply
  • Jules
    Dedicated January 2019
    Jules ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    She had offered to help with my dress. I purchased it 2 months ago and so far have not seen a cent. So no, she has had no financial input for this wedding.

    • Reply
  • Kelsey
    Devoted September 2018
    Kelsey ·
    • Flag
    Just state that you’d love for her to attend but you won’t put it off. It’s about you and your FH. Not her. And if she’s not contributing financially it’s not her place.
    • Reply
  • Sara P.
    VIP October 2018
    Sara P. ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Then absolutely do not postpone your wedding for her! She's not doing anything "to give you the wedding your want" anyway. Unless she's insinuating that she could contribute more if it was at a later time. Even then, it's not about her.
    • Reply
  • Stacie
    Devoted March 2019
    Stacie ·
    • Flag
    I strongly agree. She has no right to ask you to postpone it, and it will be her loss if she doesn’t want to be with you through the happiest time of your life. We all have mom drama but that just sounds ridiculous to me.
    • Reply
  • FutureMrs.N
    Dedicated April 2019
    FutureMrs.N ·
    • Flag
    I have a similar situation with my mom. Honestly do what makes you happy and just know in your heart that you cannot change her. Tell her that you want her to be there because it’s important to you but if she can’t then that’s fine too. Tell her and move on and enjoy your day. This time is very special for you and FH. Please enjoy your engagement period and don’t let anyone steal your joy. Jealousy is a very strong emotion and you have to stay positive. I learned that the hard way. I hope this helps. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
    • Reply
  • Amarriedmann
    Expert June 2019
    Amarriedmann ·
    • Flag
    Sorry your mom cannot see past her current troubles and not only support you but actually use it as a happy distraction. She can’t see the forest for the trees right now.

    I would explain that you will not be cancelling your wedding and it saddens you that she is unable to share in your joy. That you do not necessarily understand but respect her wish to withdraw from the planning process. Encourage her to attend day-of, if nothing else. Just make it clear that you are under a lot of stress and can offer a limited ear to negativity at this time. If it’s possible, maybe have a mother/daughter weekend before you have to delve into the details of the planning process? It may do you both some good.

    As others have said, you have until Jan. A LOT can happen in that time. Best to you.
    • Reply
  • OrangeCrush
    Super October 2017
    OrangeCrush ·
    • Flag

    Don't change a thing! My mom was a drama queen (she had since passed) and I was holding my breath halfway throughout my first wedding - will she do something to draw attention to herself AGAIN? I laugh about it now but at the time.......yuck.

    Your mom is thinking of herself, don't change a thing. My hunch is she will be at the ceremony then leave the reception early. And that is her choice.

    • Reply
  • Daria
    VIP January 2019
    Daria ·
    • Flag

    I'm sorry she is putting her difficulties on you.

    "Mom, I'm sorry that this is bad timing for you. Unfortunately, we have been looking forward to this and will not be postponing. I'm not asking anything of you, other than to be there for me on my day and remain civil with my father and his family. However, if you don't think you can do that, I will absolutely understand, and there would be no hard feelings from me."

    • Reply
  • J
    Expert September 2018
    Jody ·
    • Flag
    I can sympathize. Much as I love her, my mom is a bit of a narcissist. She isn’t even coming to my wedding (her choice.) I’m okay with it because if she was there, I’d end up spending my time trying to manage her and making sure she was okay (and making sure she didn’t piss off other guests!)

    I think you’ve done all you can, sympathized but held strong on your decision. It’s up to her if she wants to be involved now.
    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

WeddingWire article topics