soon2bmrsmorris
Dedicated October 2009

Is it tacky to just ask for money?

soon2bmrsmorris, on April 24, 2009 at 12:24 PM Posted in Planning 0 38
Saved Save
Reply

This is kind of a spin off of the other discussion I started- but my MOH is thinking that she'll have my bridal shower at a restaurant and everyone will basically do a BYOB of sorts- they'll each pick what they want off the menu and pay for it like the would if they were out to lunch with anyone else. But we don't need pots and pans, we don't need dishes or decorations...the only thing we really needs is money. I'm thinking about having a "theme" shower and making the theme be "Help Jessica and Justin pay for the wedding"- but how do I say "Thanks Aunt Edna, but I don't need your knitted doily, I'd really just like the $20 bucks it took you to make it..." and not hurt someones feelings?

Is anyone else in this same boat?

38 Comments

  • Madison
    Dedicated June 2010
    Madison ·
    • Flag

    I'm not sure about the asking for money part...maybe there is a way to do it appropriately but i can't think of one. But about the lunch...it is expected that the MOH will pay for it or maybe with the help of the other bridesmaids. it is considered tacky to ask for guests to pay for their own meal. You can suggest to your MOH that she host it in her home or another bridesmaids and just provide some little finger sandwiches for an afternoon tea.

    • Reply
  • soon2bmrsmorris
    Dedicated October 2009
    soon2bmrsmorris ·
    • Flag

    Well- I know she can't afford to pay for the food herself, I can't afford to help her pay for it...nor can any of the other bridesmaids either. As far as having it at someones house, that isn't an option either. The MOH lives with her boyfriends parents, my one bridesmaid can't accommodate 30 people in her house, and the other two bridesmaids are nieces of mine...who's parents are in the middle of a never ending feud. So the only option is to have it some where with a good bit of room- hence banquet room- and you can't really rent a banquet room from a restaurant and not use their food...

    • Reply
  • P
    Devoted June 2009
    Private User ·
    • Flag

    Well to some people it might seem strange or tacky but if you are anything like me and my friends they will all get it. If one of my friends had a bridal shower (as long as I knew beforehand) I wouldn't mind paying for my own lunch or just not eating anything at all. Your older relatives might be offended though. I am not sure how to word it on your invite though...

    • Reply
  • Jessica
    Expert June 2010
    Jessica ·
    • Flag

    I think it is tacky to ask for money for the shower. A shower is supposed to be a pre-wedding get together for the women to give you guys stuff that you can unwrap. If you really need cash for something specific (like a house or whatever), your MOH could put on the invitation that if someone didn't want to bring a gift and wanted to give cash it would be appreciated to be towards their new house...or something like that. I don't think you as the bride should come out and ask for it and it shouldn't be made known that you are. It should almost be like it was the MOH's idea! What about your mom or your fiances mom? Maybe they could help out by having the shower at one of their houses and then they could also subtly let their familes know money would be great for whatever you need it for.

    • Reply
  • soon2bmrsmorris
    Dedicated October 2009
    soon2bmrsmorris ·
    • Flag

    Maybe I didn't word this properly..but the money would be used to PAY for our wedding. Personally- I think I'd rather know 100% that my "gift" could be used for something helpful in the peoples lives I was giving it to- instead of being "that gift" that is only brought out when I come over because really they hate it.

    And I'm going to look at it like this- at least I know people aren't coming just to have a free lunch!

    MOB or MOG is out of the question. My Mom doesn't have the space and his Mom and I don't really get along.

    • Reply
  • Julie
    Dedicated April 2010
    Julie ·
    • Flag

    I was having the exact same problem. But fortunatly there are a lot of differant things you can do. My fiance and I already live together so we already pretty much have everything we need. The only things we are putting on the registry are the stuff we still really need but have been living without. (electric mixure etc...) So we are creating sort of a pay pal account and letting our guests know that if they would rather put the money that they would spend on a gift into the account for our wedding it would be greatly appreciated. The money goes directly to our most expensive venue (ceremony and reception site) and the guests dont have to deal with the hassle of going to the store and looking through a huge registry list. Make sure you keep an eye on the account so you can send thank you notes to anybody who puts money towards it. Also, guests usually give gift reciepts so you can take the gift back in exchange for the money. They never have to know. Congrats and happy planning!

    • Reply
  • soon2bmrsmorris
    Dedicated October 2009
    soon2bmrsmorris ·
    • Flag

    Julie- thank you!

    I never even though of PayPal. But I think we will try this. Thanks again!!

    • Reply
  • Julie
    Dedicated April 2010
    Julie ·
    • Flag

    NP girl. Happy to help! Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • dogluver315
    Dedicated January 2010
    dogluver315 ·
    • Flag

    Seeing that no one can have the shower at their home, I would recommend a park. You can get a shelter and there is no food to buy. To invite someone to a shower and ask them to pay for their food is (in my opinion) very tacky. Not only are they going to bring a gift, but they also would have to pay for their meal. If you do a park, you could have a cooler of beverages. You don't even have to offer food. And asking for money (to pay for your wedding) is also tacky. If you're going this route, you might as well charge at the door when entering your wedding. If you can't afford a wedding right now, you might consider a justice of the peace ceremony and save for a small get together later. You could do a BBQ at a park for friends and family. Also, you should appreciate any gift you're given. I would highly recommend a JOTP ceremony. At least you're married.

    • Reply
  • soon2bmrsmorris
    Dedicated October 2009
    soon2bmrsmorris ·
    • Flag

    It's not that I wouldn't also appreciate gifts. Don't get me wrong- I'll appreciate whatever anyone can give me. Even if it's not anything. I understand that times are tough for people right now.

    But at the point that you've lived together for over a year, you've pretty much covered the bases of things you need. And when you're paying for everything on your own because you can't ask anyone for help- because they can't afford to help you...

    Also- we can afford the wedding. It's going to be tight, but we'll manage. Any money we get would go toward paying some vendors off, or possibly for a mini vacation.

    Thanks for the park idea- even though you did basically tell me I'm an ingrate. I'll run that by my MOH.

    • Reply
  • Tammy & Mark Toung
    December 2019
    Tammy & Mark Toung ·
    • Flag

    Maybe not in the bridal shower, but it is a common practice in Chinese weddings for the guests to bring money instead of gifts. They call em red envelopes.

    You might want to look into that.

    • Reply
  • FMS, the barefoot wife!
    Master August 2010
    FMS, the barefoot wife! ·
    • Flag

    To put it on your invites and just telling people is a little tacky I think, But if they are to ask, then no its not tacky to tell them. I would not put any registries on your website if you not doing any, and I think most people will get the hint that all you need is cash. And make sure both sides of the family and the wedding party know thats what you need, Incase any inquring guests may ask. I'm not sure about stating that all you want/need is money on your website, I think it may be tacky. And if someone does give you a gift, make sure you mention it in your ty's.

    • Reply
  • FMS, the barefoot wife!
    Master August 2010
    FMS, the barefoot wife! ·
    • Flag

    P.s Would a pot luck lunch/bridal shower in a park be ok?? Only the bridal party bringing the food ofcourse. I don't think it's approriate for guest to have to bring their own food or pay for it

    • Reply
  • L
    VIP August 2009
    lauren10 ·
    • Flag

    What you are talking about planning, by definition, is a fundraiser not a shower. Paying for your plate and being asked for a donation... you're converting these people from guests to donors. I'm not trying to be smart, I just think you should take a step back and rethink this.

    • Reply
  • Stephany
    Savvy May 2009
    Stephany ·
    • Flag

    We actually requested money only from our guests in our invitations. Because we already live together, we have everything that we need to make a house a home, so we realized that we needed to come up with a tactful way to ask for what we really need: help paying the bills!

    My mom told us that the best way to put it is something similar to this: "The Bride and Groom respectfully request monetary gifts please". Or you could add something like "The Bride and Groom would politely prefer montary gifts". Just something along those lines. And be sure everyone in your immediate family (parents, siblings, etc) and your bridal party knows that you only want money so that they can pass the word along when asked what ya'll want.

    Hope that helps! And congrats!

    • Reply
  • Giselle
    Beginner May 2009
    Giselle ·
    • Flag

    First and foremost I think it is somewhat tacky to invite guests to lunch and then ask them to pay for there own meals and then request money for your gifts. If you can't have it at anyones house you could always call a church and ask to reserve there basement . Normally churches will not charge a fee to rent it out but will state that a donation would be appreciated so it is up to you to decide how much you would like to donate. As for food you could make it a potluck and have it so that each guest bring an item to contribute.

    Hope this helps!

    • Reply
  • Monica Wetherington-Lugo
    December 2019
    Monica Wetherington-Lugo ·
    • Flag

    Whether it is appropriate to have the guest pay for their own food all depends on your host/hostess. Could she ask the bridal party to assist? If she is going to host your bridal party she really should be the one to arrange for payments.

    Maybe she can speak with the restaurant manager & see if they can have a specific menu with one or two selections of the meal. As far bringing your beverage to a restaurant, unfortunately that is inappropriate.

    This has become a more common etiquette question & the answer on whether you should ask for money is a definite NO-NO. You can however enlist the assistance of your mother & future mother in law as well as the wedding party to speak on your behalf but with discretion. If it is still uncomfortable for them to ask, you can always register for American Express- Visa gift cards.Don't worry most get it & understand.

    Wishing you happiness & joy from here until Infinity.

    786-427-5360

    www.itsallaboutm-eweddings.com

    • Reply
  • S
    Beginner May 2009
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Ok so I am in a situation where I had to do something similar. My fiance is in the navy and so I'm moving across country two days after the wedding. It is hard enough bringing all my things there so to think about packing everything else is really rough. My hostess of the shower worded it as something like As they are moving after the wedding, gift cards are most appreciated. Most of these places also have things that you can use for the wedding. You'd be surprised what you can use from walmart or target. There are some amazing ways to be able to pull off a wedding in an inexpensive fashion. If you want any of these hints just let me know.. Plus I'm pulling off my wedding after only knowing that I could have it in May since last month (its called military yep).

    Also. For the shower... Renting a place like Johnny Carinos isn't too bad.

    They have big dishes meant for family sharing. You could get by with like 5 dollars a person. Otherwise I would also do the park idea.

    • Reply
  • S
    Beginner May 2009
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    Another idea to check with is the local college... they might have a banquet room that you wouldn't have to use their food...

    • Reply
  • JJ
    Master December 2009
    JJ ·
    • Flag

    For the bridal shower, it's odd, but definitely not unheard of. Bridesmaid will usually call up a small group of girls or email and tell them that they're all taking the bride out--meaning going dutch sort of. I thought it was weird and cheap of the bridesmaids....but I guess not if it's for dinner out!

    As for the wedding gifts, I wouldn't put it on the invitations. There is some site out there where you can have guests donate to your honeymoon fund directly and have a link from your wedding website. Also, if you prefer cash, it's better to tell a few very verbal friends to spread the word than actually write it on your invitations. Also, a lot of times, if you don't register for anything or create a registry, then people would understand that you prefer monetary gifts...you could say that if they ask you directly about a registry. Just be polite, lowkey, and honest about your situation. That's all. It's kind of crazy to expect ppl to give you things. That's entitlement

    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×