CountryBride
Dedicated May 2019

Invitations Etiquette

CountryBride, on January 15, 2019 at 3:44 PM Posted in Planning 0 10
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So my wedding is May 17th. We sent out save the dates with our Christmas Cards this year. I think I know the etiquette for timing...even though we were late on the Save the Dates. Please correct me if I am wrong:

- Save the Dates 6-8 months before wedding?

- Invitations 6-8 weeks before the wedding?

So if I am correct we would send them out late March?

Ok that is the first question....my FMIL wants us to send them out Feb 1st!! I think too soon.

2nd question - Do the parents name have to go on the invitation? We haven't fully decided but my FMIL apparently did....she also wants their names on top...mainly I think bc they are paying for the wedding. I honestly don't care whose name goes first. Was just a bit hurt she made a point to say "your mothers name is not going on top". She also went further talking about my father who has been gone for 12 yrs. She said I have to have his name on there saying "the late......" I use humor a lot to deflect uncomfortable situations. I just kept saying...I know he is late, like 12 years late but don't worry he will be on time that day. I know my father will be there. She is catholic and I am not really any practicing religion but I had to keep saying he will be there. I was really getting annoyed by that.

Any advice on etiquette and dealing with overbearing FMIL? Anything I say to her is wrong or not accepted. I am the most laid back bride you will ever meet and she is making me crazy.

10 Comments

  • Abby
    VIP March 2019
    Abby ·
    • Flag
    You're right in that invitations typically go out 6-8 weeks before the wedding.

    As for the parents names, if your FILs are paying for the wedding then I think they deserve to have their names on top. You could just say 'Together with our families' or something like that to eliminate the problem altogether.
    • Reply
  • Yoice
    Rockstar March 2019
    Yoice ·
    • Flag
    Wow she sounds like a handful. Sorry about that. Mine is completely MIA and I complain but I think I take mine over yours.
    Honestly I think is a decision you both should make and whatever makes you feel comfortable. Compromise is the best advice here. If you don’t mind and your mom doesn’t mind and she’s paying for it then put her name on top. I didn’t use any parents name even when both are paying for a large portion but so are we and we are hosting the evening. Neither one is involve in the planning they just know where to be and what to do. If is less drama just put your names only.
    As far as your dad maybe tell her very nicely you rather not make comments about your dad being late. Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and maybe she gets the hint.
    Invitations on feb 1st is way too early. I think mid March is the right timing. In that case you can tell her you’re following the guideline for wedding planning and it says mid March and brush off the rest.
    For people like her is best to be polite and laid back but in the end you do what you want. You say yes to what she says but then do you behind her
    • Reply
  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, if they are paying for the wedding they get a lot of say. It stinks she is being that way though. Just ask yourself if the invite wording is something that will really bother you, or something that really isn't that significant to you? If it is something that, in the grand scheme of things, doesn't really matter to you too much, maybe you can just let her have it the way she wants. I really do feel for you though! I'd at least talk to FH about it, and perhaps y'all can come up with a united way of confronting her about her attitude.

    • Reply
  • 2d Bride
    Champion October 2009
    2d Bride ·
    • Flag

    Your FI really ought to be the one to have the discussions with his own mother. It's much easier for them to get hostile with you than to get hostile with their own son.

    That being said, it really doesn't matter whose name goes first on the invitation. If they want theirs first, and your mother is okay with it, that's fine. However, your father's name should not be among those doing the inviting. So if it starts:

    "Mrs. and Mrs. John Smith

    Ms. Jane Doe

    request the honour of your presence"

    then don't include your father's name (late or otherwise). He's just not in a position to be issuing invitations.

    In some instances, the parents are listed as identification, rather than as the hosts, and then your father could be mentioned. For example:

    "Susan Doe

    daughter of Ms. Jane Doe and the late Mr. Tom Doe"

    However, I assume that's not what is intended in this case, since your MIL wants their names first.

    • Reply
  • CountryBride
    Dedicated May 2019
    CountryBride ·
    • Flag

    I agree with everyone about putting their name on top. I absolutely have NO problem with that. They are paying for it and I want to respect that. I was just very put off by the way she was so harsh and blunt about it. I don't like confrontation....ie why the humor deflection. Its just getting a little out of hand and FH doesn't hear or notice it all bc a lot of the time she is talking to me without him around or at dinner in a loud restaurant while him and his father have another convo at the same time.

    And I did tell her that all the wedding websites say 6-8 weeks....she says that's too late and to check it again or ask other websites. That's when I just asked "when would you like them to be sent out"....Feb 1st!!!

    • Reply
  • Megan
    Super May 2019
    Megan ·
    • Flag

    Etiquette calls for 6-8 weeks prior to your wedding; however also keep in mind when your final counts are due for your vendors. My wedding is May 11th. My florist (of all vendors!) has to have my final order by April 3rd, which means I need to know my final count because it will affect the number of centerpieces! I'm making my RSVP date March 27th, which gives me a week to follow up on non responses. I will probably send the invites out end of February/beginning of March so around the 10 weeks out because of this.


    You can send them out as early as you want but depending on your RSVP date, you're just giving people longer to procrastinate in getting them back to you.

    • Reply
  • MrsD
    Legend July 2019
    MrsD ·
    • Flag

    We sent our save the dates out 10 months in advance with a small insert for our main hotel block. We have over 100 out of state guests. Our wedding website was 100% done too, so I knew people would want to book flights earlier than that. Our invites say "Together with their families" at the top. If you did parent's names, then go with traditional etiquette and your parents names go first, then your fiances.

    • Reply
  • S
    Beginner May 2019
    Sara ·
    • Flag
    Mine is May 18th!!! I have had my save the dates since November and just sent them out last week! I was just trying to do some research on invitations myself and figured I’d just on for some inspiration! Where are you going to get them from?
    • Reply
  • Quinta Nikkole
    Dedicated May 2019
    Quinta Nikkole ·
    • Flag
    I am also getting married May 17th, I sent invitations out in January. Just because I'm working two jobs and didn't really want to rush to get them done and sent out. I was also laid off for the month of January, so I got most of my stuff done in that month
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    VIP December 2019
    Michelle ·
    • Flag

    I know that "etiquette" says 6-8 weeks but who decides that anyway? I don't think that is enough time in my opinion. I agree with your FMIL on this one. The way I look at it is save the dates are the notice and me myself I start requesting off work looking at flights etc(I hate to do things last minute) Then when the invitation comes it's just a reminder, like hey did you take off of work/book your flights, make childcare arrangements? Then that person may be like I knew Jane was getting married but that came quick! I haven't even done xyz yet, let me book my flight request off work etc. I'm glad the invite came when it did. You don't want the person to get the invite and say I knew Jane was getting married but it came quick and it slipped my mind. Yea I got the invite but I can't request off/get a flight for a reasonable price now at this late date. That's just my opinion

    • Reply

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