Misty
Savvy June 2001

How much is enough?

Misty, on June 18, 2007 at 9:16 PM Posted in Married Life 0 15
Saved Save
Reply

When do you know your marriage is over? I need some advice. I love my husband very much but we're not IN love anymore. We haven't been for 5 out of 6 years we've been married. We don't talk more than fifteen minutes a week and we aren't even friends anymore. I'm still here because I love him so much but I don't think its enough anymore. He plays an online computer game every waking hour when he's not at work or asleep. As soon as he walks in the door after work he goes straight to his game and he plays it the whole hour he comes home for lunch. Its been this way for the last 5 years. He told me he doesn't like spending time with me because I'm boring! I know that I probably shouldn't stay but its hard to talk myself into leaving when I care so much about him. What should I do?

15 Comments

  • USMCLynchPrincess
    Just Said Yes June 2010
    USMCLynchPrincess ·
    • Flag

    Well, I'm not married, but I have seen this before in other marriages. If you truly love him, then you need to make sure he loves you. I would take the computer out of the house, but the response depends on what kind of person your husband is. Maybe, if you could talk him into it, you could go to marriange counselling or renew your vows. Talking is probably the best way to solve things. If he thinks you're too boring, try going out on a "fun" date. I hope some of that helps. Good luck.

    • Reply
  • Dawn Gunter
    January 2020
    Dawn Gunter ·
    • Flag

    The only people who really know the answer to this are the two of you. My best friend just went through this... The bottom line of every marriage, and foundation, should be is he my best friend, and am I his? If not, then some work needs to be done. You can love someone, but not like them - and that's a problem. The best thing you could do for yourself and your marriage is be upfront with him and go to a counselor.

    Sit down with him, tell him how unhappy your are, & you're debating the vitality of your relationship. The only way it can get better at this point is counseling. If he's not willing to go and invest that type & work into your marriage then you have your answer, unfortunately.

    You say you love him, but you're not in love with him... I hate to say it, but that sentence right there says a lot. There's no easy answer to this. The best thing I can say is go to counseling. More couples have been there than you may think.

    Good luck sweetie... I'll send good vibes your way.

    • Reply
  • Misty
    Savvy June 2001
    Misty ·
    • Flag

    I was planning a renewal but I canceled it because he told me he never wanted to have it in the first place. I've asked him to go to counseling and he refuses. I can't take his computer away from him and I've asked him dozens of times just to spend some time with me. The fun date thing is out because the only thing he likes to do is play his game. I've told him that we could do anything he wants to spend time together and his answer is for me to watch him play his game. I've been telling him how unhappy I've been for the last five years. I even left him a few months ago and went back home. He missed me and came out to get me. The only reason I came back was because he promised that it would be better and its not! I know what I have to do its just so hard!!!

    • Reply
  • Dawn Gunter
    January 2020
    Dawn Gunter ·
    • Flag

    Man, Misty... I'm so sorry.

    About 4 years ago I left my husband for about a month. I sacrificed a lot for him, moved away from my hometown, dropped out of college so he could stay in - & then he dropped out for a band!!! I got tired of taking the back seat, he said he would do better & when he didn't I left. When I finally came back home it was still rough for a while, when he back slid I had to bite the bullet & tell him that enough was enough. Life was too short to be this miserable, & either we were going to work together on our marriage so both of us could be happy, or I would have no choice but to leave for good. I was lucky that he pulled his head out of his rear, but it wasn't easy & it took time.

    Bottom line, if you decide to end it, you want to feel as though you've done everything you could. No one can tell you when enough is enough, other than you. You'll know when it's right for you, & until then know that we're all here for you with a shoulder to lean on and open ears...

    • Reply
  • Michelle Toner
    January 2020
    Michelle Toner ·
    • Flag

    Misty...I am so sorry you have to go through this. After the first year my husband and I were together (living together unmarried at the time) he suddenly lost interest in me. He cheated on me, and I never even confronted him as I knew he would walk out on me. I had serious self esteem issues at the time. I held on because I loved him so much, and didn't want to lose him, but ultimately we were finished. I just didn't want to accept that. I ended up moving out finally, but devestated at the same time. After an 8 year seperation, both of us growing up a little, and him getting his head out of his butt, we reunited. Happily married for 7 years now with three kids. Every situation is different. I don't know when enough is enough. It truly is a question you have to answer yourself. What I do know is what it feels like to know the answer and not want to accept it. Easier said than done, but you have to face your fear to find the answer. Counseling is the first step. If he is willing.

    • Reply
  • Michelle Toner
    January 2020
    Michelle Toner ·
    • Flag

    Part 2....

    ran out of letters in first response. Smiley smile

    If he is unwilling to get counseling with you, then maybe he needs a reality check. You can't go on living unhappy, and sometimes leaving a bad situation is scary, but for the better in the long run. Wish I had the answers, but I don't. We are all here for you. We are all women, and can all relate on some level. Whatever you decide, you have support. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Misty
    Savvy June 2001
    Misty ·
    • Flag

    I really appreciate everyones answers and support more than I can express. I know that I shouldn't stay but I'm so afraid of leaving and being on my own and it makes me so sad to think that he and I might never be together again. But thanks again to everyone!!

    • Reply
  • Michelle Toner
    January 2020
    Michelle Toner ·
    • Flag

    Your fear, and emotion is completely reasonable, and justified. Don't know of any woman in this situation who hasn't had those same fears and thoughts. You are not alone. If you ever want someone to talk to or just meet and have lunch one day....I'm not too far away. Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • Anahi
    Just Said Yes February 2008
    Anahi ·
    • Flag

    I'm am so sorry to hear this. My last marriege fail because practically of the same thing he didn't want t go to counceling and he treated me like crap. I moved out and went to get a divorce. I met a great guy who i'm now getting married to and I guess My ex husband realized how much I did for him and he wants me back but there is only so much you can take. And like I told him I care about him but when I'm done I'm done. Sorry you have to go through this. Good Luck.

    • Reply
  • Elviebird
    Dedicated May 2007
    Elviebird ·
    • Flag

    I'm so sorry to hear that you are having such a difficult time. A relationship really takes two people to be equally invested in it. Again, as the other girls have stated, the final decision is up to you and it's very important that you do what is right for you to ensure your long-term happiness. Best of luck! We're all here to support you through this!

    • Reply
  • cary
    Savvy September 2006
    cary ·
    • Flag

    Do you guys have any interests in common? I seems his primary focus is the game. I can understand the compulsion, I played World Of Warcraft and Everquest pretty heavily and they are major timesinks. Since he seems unwilling to compromise, it seems you might have to do most of the compromising if you still want to try and work things out. Have you considered playing the game with him? Its highly social and interactive and hes probably developed friendships online. Maybe joining him there can give you both an activity you can share and participate in the social aspect together.

    • Reply
  • Misty
    Savvy June 2001
    Misty ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately we don't have any common interests and I hate that game!! I'm not a video game player at all, I'm not interested in playing any video games. I spent three straight years sitting next to him watching him play it every day for 8-12 hours a day. I'm done compromising since he's unwilling to help!

    • Reply
  • Patti Wang Cross
    Savvy July 2006
    Patti Wang Cross ·
    • Flag

    Wow, it almost sounds like addictive behavior on his part.

    When you left, it sounds like he was really upset. Maybe you need to be frank with him and say that if he won't go to counseling with you, you're not coming back until he agrees to at least a few sessions. I really think counseling is valuable. My husband and I had the typical pre-marital counseling, but we chose to continue on a weekly basis for the first six months of our marriage. We didn't even have big problems yet, but we wanted to develop good communication habits before we ran into problems. I would recommend it for any married couple, it just helps you reconnect and figure out a more healthy way to connect on a regular basis. Plus, it's an hour a week (or whatever), when you're forced to talk and truly listen to each other! Also, Misty, even if he won't agree to counseling, you can always go on your own. What he's doing to you is hard on your self-image, and maybe you should focus on you a little bit.

    Lots of love.

    • Reply
  • L
    Dedicated July 2008
    LaZea ·
    • Flag

    Hey, just wanted to know what your decision was after these several months. I was just browing though discussions and rung across this one. My fiance was hooked on WOW (War of Warcraft) like the person below had stated. He gave it up Feb 2006 and hasn't played it since. He now plays Team Fortress 2, but we compromised days to do things that I want to do. In the summer, we go do outdoor activities. My first husband, however, was constantly on his computer too, which also meant No Sex. Not even a kiss! I divorced him, being really scared that I would be alone, but that experience with my first husband made me realized how miserable I was, and that I would rather be miserable alone. I didn't think I would ever say that outloud, I always said I rather be miserable WITH someone than alone, but I've changed that opinion. Bottom line...FIGHT for your happiness. Don't be afraid to leave if you have to. There WILL be someone else. I divorced in 2004 and now will marry again in 2008.

    • Reply
  • kaycerenee
    Devoted April 2008
    kaycerenee ·
    • Flag

    I'm really late to the party, but I thought I'd throw this up there anyway. There's a really great support community for people struggling in relationships with a gaming addict.

    Gamer Widow really helped me a couple years ago when we were coping with those issues.

    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×