bridetobe27
Dedicated July 2015

Feeling kinda bummed

bridetobe27, on April 18, 2015 at 4:03 PM Posted in Planning 0 42
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Am I the only one with terrible bridesmaids? I live across the country from where the wedding will be/friends and family are and had 5 of my close friends as my bridesmaid. My sister and bffl (both who live far from home for school) have been trying to plan a bridal shower for me unsuccessfully...They get NO response from the bridesmaid and they went so far as to even do the research for everything (venue, etc) and just needed 1-2 of the local girls to go look at the place. Nothing. My sister just went off on them in a group text and kicked out one of the girls. I'm not made by that because that girl has been completely MIA since I asked her to be a bridesmaid and she accepted.

I'm getting really frustrated and it's quite embarrassing that my sister had to enlist the help of some of HER friends that aren't all that super close to me to make sure I get some sort of a party. My friends have been unhelpful with everything so I don't know why I even picked them. I'm just bummed, I guess.

42 Comments

  • T-Rex
    Master August 2013
    T-Rex ·
    • Flag

    My BM didn't do anything for the shower. The people who threw it did. Maybe she's irritated that they expect it rather than ask beforehand.

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  • Snarky
    Master September 2014
    Snarky ·
    • Flag

    If there is one thing you learn on WW, it's that BM's really only have to show up in the dress on the day of.

    I also think it's REALLY wierd your sister to the initiative to 'fire' one of your BM's.

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  • Snarky
    Master September 2014
    Snarky ·
    • Flag

    Also, it's not mandatory that BM's help with the shower. The shower is planned by the person that offers to throw it for you.

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  • allysia
    Master April 2016
    allysia ·
    • Flag

    Your sister kicked someone out of your bridal party? ummm what. If she was being unresponsive to them did you pick up the phone and ask her what's going on? You choose your bridal party because they are close to you not how much they can do for you.

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  • JoyBekee
    Super May 2015
    JoyBekee ·
    • Flag

    Generally, am all for BM showing commitment and interest towards the whole process... I will kick out a BM who is MIA. Its just a sign she's uninterested.

    Well, I wish u good luck with the rest.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @snarky : I'd already talked to this "fired" friend about how her general lack of response to anything (even non-wedding related) has been really frustrating and putting a HUGE damper on our friendship (including with my sister) and I had told her that if she didn't bother responding to time sensitive stuff (not wedding related) then she can't get angry if she starts getting excluded from decision-making. That conversation and frustration , coupled with the fact that she agreed to go check out a few things that were on a deadline and then not responding to ANY of us is kind of what did it.

    I totally get that only the people organizing it need to help--but my bridesmaids are the ones that wanted to do it and offered. And then now aren't responding. My sister and I live on the same side of the country so we could've done something else with our friends here but at the insistence of my bridesmaids , we figured we'd do just one thing there. And now my sister and best friend are left to figure everything out themselves.

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
    • Flag

    Unfortunately, they do not HAVE to participate in the planning of events, and it's apparent they have made the decision not to participate. I know it hurts, but there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I don't know when you're getting married, but I would focus my attention on the people who are there for me and not the ones who aren't.

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  • MrsBest2B
    Master June 2016
    MrsBest2B ·
    • Flag

    I don't think your sister has the right to throw anyone out. That's the bride's decision and if you still want her in it, you should apologize to her on your sister's behalf. She'll probably decline now anyway.

    I also agree with Snarky that "The shower is planned by the person that offers to throw it for you." We all want our BMs to be there for us 100% of the time or at least somewhat responsive, but it's also not realistic. My MOH is a waitress and makes no money. Some waitresses make a lot, she literally makes like high school wages. I don't even understand how she gets by at 35 yrs old, but it's not my life and not my problem. She's still my bff and I wanted her to stand beside me on the most important day of my life. I told my mom flat out that there's no way my MOH would be able to pay for a shower, so my mom is going to have to kind of be in charge of that. I also knew she was off one day and asked her to go dress shopping with me but she couldn't because she had to got to Target. I wasn't mad, but I also thought Target could wait. Just is what it is, no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you are.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @allysia02 - yep multiple times. No response.

    I guess culturally we have different expectations for BMs. For us, the BMs are basically front and center in terms of helping the family organize everything for the wedding. It's not supposed to be who does the most for you, but usually it comes with the expectation that they'll help plan your shower and help with the wedding the day of/prior to. We pay for our BMs' clothes/makeup/jewelry (which I'm doing) as a sign of gratitude. I'd still do that regardless but it's just weird that they seem so uninterested.

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  • KM
    Master March 2015
    KM ·
    • Flag

    I'm on team "bridesmaids should help". I had two bridesmaids who lived in the city I was getting married in, while I lived pretty far away and you bet your ass I asked them to help me with a few distance related things. They were in town, and had no reason not to help out, especially when they offered. If they offered to help, and then didn't answer me, I would feel the same way. I wouldn't go so far as to kicking them out, but it definitely wouldn't be a good situation.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    I think there's a difference between being busy and just being uninterested. I've had problems with this particular friend in the past and she just doesn't feel like she needs to respond to stuff even if we're sending her texts / calling her multiple times. I dunno. It's my fault.

    I'm just hurt I guess. I know that finances are hard so I made sure to get all of them clothes/accessories for the wedding and the bridal shower is being footed by my sister and bffl even though the other bridesmaids initially offered to help and plan the whole thing.

    I don't plan on apologizing to that friend because (maybe it's my anxiety and just general irritability) but I've been at my wit's end with her. I've already told her I feel like she's genuinely disinterested in the wedding and more importantly our friendship so this isn't a surprise. It's just hurtful when I'm trying to get an answer for something while studying for my med school exams and I know she's sitting there posting on fb FROM HER PHONE and not even bothering responding.

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  • Margaret
    Master September 2015
    Margaret ·
    • Flag

    I know what you mean. I feel like one of my BM's doesn't value our friendship as much as I thought because she has given push back on pretty much everything and decided to leave our girls' weekend early to hang with her bf. For instance, I asked her to wear whatever black shoes (after she previous told me she almost always wears black shoes, especially to work), she said she didn't want to buy a new pair of shoes. Erm, you told me you have several pair so I don't need you to buy anything new unless you want to....anyway, don't mean to hijack your post with my rant.

    About the shower- if she offered to help throw it and is now MIA, you and the other co-hosts have a right to be irritated. She doesn't need to be "fired" though. If she did not offer or didn't offer until she was pressured to feel like she had to help, you can't be upset about the shower. About the NWR unresponsiveness, sure, but not the shower. I would reach out to her with a "how's life" call and try to figure out the underlying problem (maybe I should take my own advice and do the same...)

    • Reply
  • Snarky
    Master September 2014
    Snarky ·
    • Flag

    @KM I definitely think BMs should help, but it's not required. It's not something you 'fire' them over.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @margaret yeah this BM is the same way. Literally everything has been a struggle. I know she's not financially as well off so everyone has been trying to make sure that they keep the price down so she doesn't feel pressured. SHE volunteered to go check out 2-3 places for potential venues and then when we all asked for follow up , she didn't respond...for a month. This is after multiple phone calls , text messages, fb messages, etc. In fact, she STILL hasn't responded. And so my sister called the venues and they said no one showed up to see them and they all got booked. So I think THAT's the problem. If you're SO busy, don't volunteer to do stuff and then not do it AND be completely unresponsive so no one knows you flaked. I have other close friends (and sister's friends) that have stepped in to help, and now I feel like they should be the BM (again I think it's a cultural difference regarding what BM roles are) instead of her. I know she's gonna show up the day of the wedding and want to be the center of attention and I don't think it's fair to everyone else that's been helping that she get to do that.

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
    • Flag

    This can never be said enough on the forum "Your wedding is not a priority to others. Only to you." Even when people agree to be a part of the celebration, it is not the center of their life.

    • Reply
  • allysia
    Master April 2016
    allysia ·
    • Flag

    Our differences in opinion on this are not cultural. I don't believe bridesmaids have set roles. I believe you choose your bridal party based on the impact they have had on your life and not their ability to plan showers or even their interest in weddings in general ( some people just don't care about weddings) so I don't believe BM's are replaceable or fireable.

    I agree its shitty if she said she would do something and flaked. Is she naturally a flaky person or is this something new?

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @kitandkaboodle I don't think expecting someone to answer a text is asking someone to prioritize my wedding over their life. I take that to mean that the person doesn't value my friendship enough to bother even acknowledging that i asked them a question 2 months ago.

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  • KitandKaboodle
    Master November 2016
    KitandKaboodle ·
    • Flag

    @bridetobe27, I'm not referring to text messages, emails, etc. I'm referring to planning your shower. However, on the subject of text messages, has she always been this way or is this new behavior? Maybe there's another angle to her disinterest.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @allysia she is but she isn't. She's flaky when she wants to be. And she's completely into weddings--when they involve her being the center of attention. I initially asked her to be a bridesmaid because our friendship was very strong, but this flakiness with EVERYTHING (again, not just wedding stuff) has put a huge divide between us. I have been regretting asking her for a few months now because there's always SOMETHING going on for why she can't reply or can't do this or can't do that or can't answer my phone. These are MY issues with her-- these have nothing to do with the bridal shower because I'm not planning my own so I'm only privy to very limited amounts of info. I knew she was kinda flaky initially but was guilted into making her one because I've known her for a long time and we ARE close friends and she was VERY upset when our other friend excluded her. I didn't want her to feel like I didn't value our friendship. But she's making me feel exactly like that.

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  • bridetobe27
    Dedicated July 2015
    bridetobe27 ·
    • Flag

    @kitandkaboodle : she's been so so. She'll respond when it suits her and she'll be MIA when you need to ask her something. I think a lot of it is a self esteem thing that's come up with her recently now that she's had a bit of a makeover. She tries really hard to seem really "busy" either going to weddings or school or whatever when she's actually in pjs watching tv all week. It's a personality change that's fairly new

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