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Just Said Yes October 2020

Father planning his second wedding last minute a weekend before my first wedding

Rl, on August 8, 2020 at 1:28 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 14
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Hi everyone, my parents divorced when I was 12 I’m not 26. He has been with the same girlfriend for 7 years now and they recently got engaged this past month. I have had my wedding planned for a little over a month and a half now due to covid in the first week of October. He called me a few weeks ago telling me they wanted to have a wedding the last week of August and I felt a little strange but it was still a always out so I told them I support them and I’ll make it work to be there. They called me this week after receiving my wedding invitation and proceed to tell me that they are seeing if I’m available the weekend before my wedding to attend theirs. They explained they talked to all of the children already and the vendors and the venue and everyone is good to know. I was the last person they checked with and I got very peeved about this. I sarcastically mentioned “really the weekend before mine” mind you I was put on speaker phone with his fiancé so I was put in a very awkward position to speak up as I did not want to offend them but I felt a lot of pressure to say yes I can do. They proceed to ask me when I was planning to come out to get ready for my ceremony as it is in their home town and I expressed I was planning to do it the weekend of their soon to be planned ceremony.
My fathers fiancé has never met my mother before and my gut tells me she is the one pushing for their wedding to happen before mine. I think my father is very easily persuaded by her and she has some hidden agenda to fulfill whether that’s something with her ego or showing up to my wedding as the title of being his wife to prove something to my mom (whose been happily remarried for 10 years now) To feel some sort of status of permanence in his life.
I truly wish he would have considered how I would feel about this. As his daughter this is one of the biggest days in my life and as a father for him as well. If it was anyone else like a sibling or extended family member/ friend I wouldn’t have said anything because we are all entitled to having one day to celebrate our wedding and it’s not my place to express my thoughts about that. I am looking for advice to seek thoughts and opinions on this situation as it is very strange and I want to know how others would feel in my position. Am I in the right to be upset? I still haven’t gotten a clear explanation as to why it had to be this specific weekend. I know they are wanting to get the ball rolling on their marriage but again his fiancé is also a mother and I know wholeheartedly if it was her daughters wedding the weekend before she wouldn’t even think twice about scheduling it. I also question why my father didn’t stand up and redirect the thoughts about those dates if he knew it might not go over well like he mentioned after I confronted him. I feel like as his daughter I am an obligation and he can neglect my feelings and thoughts because her chooses to put her above me because it suits their agenda. Any advice is welcomed. It’s important to know he told me a few days later that they are waiting to get married till next year. I take no gratification in that and that was not my intention because they already called me expressing their wishes to have it that weekend and seeking my approval. I also wonder why they consulted me last instead of first before moving forward with their plans. What’s done is done but I can’t ignore that this action hurt me and I had wished it wasn’t even a conversation in the first place.

14 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on August 10, 2020 at 10:03 PM
  • Marisa
    Rockstar May 2021
    Marisa ·
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    I’m not one to psycho analyze people’s motives. However it is rather inconvenient and quite honestly I would feel upset by this. Are they planning a large wedding or is it just immediate family? It’s a lot for guests to plan and attend multiple weddings so close together so it’s not just you he would be inconveniencing. But at least he asked and still moved their date in consideration.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I do not see why it is a problem for you to take several hours out of your schedule to attend another wedding, your father's or anyone else's. We attended weddings all 4 weekends before our wedding, One a sister of mine , the next a first cousin of his ( FI was best man) , then a long term friend of his, then one of mine. It was nice that neither of us was in or doing anything for the last two, just spending an hour getting dressed, under an hour drive, and we stayed about 5 hours at each, half hour ceremonies at the same venue as receptions.
    We did not have kids then. And pretty much go somewhere 1-2 days or evening every week.
    I am sure they don't expect you to prepare anything, just show up. It is just random luck ( and Covid) that someone you know would not have some kind of event, party, wedding, near yours. If taking the time out of your busy schedule is too much, don't go. But you don't seem to be too busy, or have any concrete reasons why it is a problem. Just feelings you are projecting on your father's new wife. Wow. She wants to marry in one of the most popular months of the year. To you it is no more than a party. Go, have fun.
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  • Samantha
    Dedicated September 2020
    Samantha ·
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    Unfortunately I’m going through kind of the same thing. I am getting married September 1st in Las Vegas and my dad is recently “engaged.” I put in quotations because he has yet to say it to me, but he changed his fb status. Also he’s wearing a ring, that I don’t know where he got from. He keeps doing he’s going to do a double wedding and I told him no I’m not sharing my day with anyone. Honestly, I feel like if he did try I probably would not attend because I would just be hurt. For the longest the girl he’s dating couldn’t even claim him as a bf. I guess I’m just a little hurt because as we approach our wedding date no one is really prepared and I’m stressed trying to get everyone in order and all my dad keeps saying is you’re freaking out. He’s so worried about his gf and not the ONLY kid he has getting married. I guess I can say I am thankful for him paying for my 100 dress ( only thing he has contributed)
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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Hi Samantha, thanks for responding. I’m sorry you are going through this similar situation. It’s a little unsettling. I think it’s A totally different scenario when it’s a father figure and daughter involved. If it was anyone else I wouldn’t feel this strongly but even as an adult you will always be your parents child and hope that they take into consideration your thoughts. I think that they are being selfish and thinking about their new beginning instead of focusing on one of the biggest days in your daughters life & especially as a father it’s a huge day too. I hope that we both process and feel peace with this once our weddings come around because that’s all that we can do in a situation like this. I don’t expect my father to understand because I feel like if he really did we wouldn’t have been in this position. I can’t figure out if there is some underlying competition for them to be married for the second time before our first. I would definitely be upset if it was the same day or trying to make it a double wedding like you mentioned because that’s totally stealing your thunder on your special day.
    I know planning a wedding during covid is insanity but I’m sure your day will turn out wonderful and the most important part is you are marrying the person you love! Hang in there.
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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Hi Marisa, thanks for responding. I’m totally the one to psycho analyze my father haha it’s how I’ve worked through a lot of issues from the past and just when I think we’re good something like this happens. Not like these days as an adult I need much of a father figure in my life but I feel like the wedding day is one of those iconic and big days between a father and daughter. Anywho, they are planning a wedding in a different state with pretty much immediate family. Same as mine so the only person that really has to potentially go to both weddings if they were back to back weekends would be my brother and his significant other. The thing is he didn’t really “ask” he more called to tell me they have planned out all the details and everyone was available those dates and I’m the last person to say “yes” so I did say yes at the moment because I felt pressured but ultimately It didn’t sit well with me so I expressed my thoughts. I really wasn’t asking them to change the date because it doesn’t bring me any gratification knowing they were still planning for that. I know it’s totally different because it’s not happening now and that should be the end of the story but I’m a bit hung up on my fathers inability to consider my feelings about this since I know he would want me at his destination wedding and also he mentioned he was unsure about how this would go over with me so I asked why he didn’t follow his intuition. Typically the man never cares about the wedding dates it’s usually the woman that plans everything so I think he got the idea from his fiancé and ran with it.
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  • Marisa
    Rockstar May 2021
    Marisa ·
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    I’m so sorry, that is so frustrating. It’s amazing how self-centered people (sometimes close family) can be when it comes to an important moment such as your wedding. Stay strong! And you’re probably right that he most likely got the idea from his fiancé and ran with it lol

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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Hi Judith, totally get where you are coming from. I would have no issues going to anyone’s wedding be it a friend, sibiling or extended family member whether it’s a weekend before or even days before my own. What I have an “issue” with is this being my father. You have children yourself you mentioned, as a mother let’s say you were In this scenario of having your second wedding and you and your fiance decided to throw around dates and some happen to be the weekend before your daughters wedding. Would you proceed to continue to plan without asking your daughters feelings about it or would you think and decide that hmm that’s a little close to be traveling out of state and to ask of her to travel out of state while she’s wanting to get ready for her ceremony? From a parents perspective you wouldn’t feel any sort of conscience about putting your daughter in this position the week before her first wedding?
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    If only a half dozen or so people would need to prepare for both, and we avoided any bachelorette or rehearsal dinner times, sure, why not? I am guessing you come from a very small family. In big families, siblings, cousins, parents or grandparents, you may have several on both bride and groom side, in a few months time. Because it will not just your family to consider. sometimes the other family in each wedding has conflicts and things end up back to back. As long as there is only one you have to do a lot for, going as a guest a week or 2 or a month away is easy. We had a huge number of weddings the year we got married. Both have big families. But also, we had only known each other a short time, and had only a 5 month engagement. So we had said yes to one or the other of us being in 7 other weddings in the 3 months.before ours. It was the season April to October ours next to last) of 17 weddings, for us. And most I remember that 3 weekends a month, and two e to weekends, we had parties to go to, and hours of dancing. Look at it as another good time, a party. And it does not interfere at all with your own wedding. So share a little happiness, wherever you find it.
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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Thanks Judith, yes I have a very small family so this makes sense. Thank you for your perspective and words
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  • Natalie
    Devoted November 2020
    Natalie ·
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    I would be hurt, too. Because your dad had you on speakerphone, I’d guess that he was the one who set the date and tried convincing his girlfriend that you wouldn’t mind. As a woman, she probably tried telling him you would be hurt by it. When he realized that you were actually hurt, he agreed to change it.
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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Hi Natalie, thank you for your response. That’s an interesting thought that perhaps it could have been his idea and maybe she tried to persuade him otherwise and me being on speakerphone was trying to get to the bottom of it. Either way, it’s all room from growth and learning so I am glad I’ve heard your guys’ thoughts and opinionsz
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  • H
    Super June 2019
    Hanna ·
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    So sorry you have to deal with this. No father should schedule his own wedding a week before his daughter's. In my opinion, that is insane, inconsiderate, and selfish. I completely disagree with the one PP who was trying to normalize this behavior as commonplace with large families. It doesn't matter if you have large family or a teeny tiny family--what your father did is simply not okay. I wonder if there's more going on behind the scenes...Hang in there!

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  • R
    Just Said Yes October 2020
    Rl ·
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    Hi Hanna, thank you for your thoughts and validation. There’s definitely more going on behind the scenes. The large families thing is a good thing to keep in mind for certain scenarios but doesn’t really apply to this specific situation. I am debating whether to talk with him this week or to just simply let it go because what’s done is done and ultimately the only “right” thing to do was to reschedule their wedding (not what I asked for them to do) I think was their way of realizing it was wrong and that’s all they can do moving forward. I would like answers as to why they considered that date in the first place but it’s just an unpleasant thought and I’m not sure it’ll make anything better to hash it out more.
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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    I don't think anything will be gained by hashing it out more. Ask your Dad. . But be prepared to hear it was something as simple as scheduling his 1 day after other family and you and FI travelled to his area, because he was trying to make it convenient for you, so you would not have to travel there again. And because he and his FI want to be married then. No big plot, not thoughtlessness . Just looking for an easy convenient time, and as they worked down their list, everyone else thought the chosen date was fine, and had no clue it would not be okay, with you , a full week apart. And when you would already be in the area. Simply that to everyone else, having his wedding and yours, both small with what, 10-20 overlapping guests , a week apart, was no bigger deal than having Christmas and New Years eve in the same week, which happens every year. But all of the planning is done way in advance, and when the time comes lots of people travel or party or hold big events 6 days apart. Same with this. No big deal. He may see his wedding as a 1 day event for you, and your wedding a 24 hour event for him. You seem to be the only one in your family who thinks it ought to be such a big deal to others that a week gap was not enough. Everyone else knew, and assumed it was fine. I bet no one in your own family blinked twice at his being able to celebrate his wedding and yours in a week. I think you inflate how much your big important day affects others. Yes, your wedding day has been a big deal, for you and FI, planning months or a year. But other than getting dressed up twice in a week , why is the actual ceremony of your Dad's wedding so hard for you? He has been divorced for years, and with the same woman 7 years. You seem to be having difficulty giving him a day. But I see no reason he, or most others, would have difficulty marrying himself, and also, having a daughter marry, a week apart. Both important days, but with no effect on each other.
    Be prepared that your Dad sees no issue here and takes your being upset as unwarranted opposition to his wedding, that you cannot spare a day for something as important as his wedding. And thinks that not at all nice of you.
    And that may well be how his fiance and her family all see your attitude. That if you cared more about your father, you would do everything to give him his time too, in a week, not push his date further away than he wants. It is a two way street, and you seem to make it all about you. But make no effort to give him the one day he has asked for. You asked me if as a mother, I would not feel it awful if a daughter of mine was not treated better. But as I see it, and maybe he and his FI and others, you are the one not seeing his day as important, thinking he should not have what he wants for months. Why? How would you have suffered by sparing 6 hours for him, in a week, when you will already be traveling there? His happiness does not rate as much as yours? You have this big scenario, his FI wanting a title sooner, lack of feeling on his part. But in this whole thing, you are the one saying he can't have his wedding when he wants, 6 days from yours. He has not tried to take anything away from you. As I see it, and likely your Dad and FSM, and others, you are the one who does not care about what he wants, at all. You put the importance of your feelings of wanting all the attention over his wanting a wedding day when everyone else can make it, and you will be nearby, and you just don't think what he wants is important.
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