Seshanna
Dedicated October 2018

Family: Excused (Mostly venting, sorry)

Seshanna, on Dec 7, 2017 at 10:32 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice

Because ALL of my family lives a minimum of three states away, I've given them all more than a year's notice for our wedding date. It's Halloween 18 - easy to remember, and so far ahead easier to plan for. But my family's already making excuses why they can't come. A year out. My dad's going through a divorce and lost his house, and is becoming a recluse and said he might not be able to make it. Okay, that's understandable. Both of my younger sisters live together, and going depends on my one sister's husband's work schedule and if he wants to go. Kay? My brother's wife decided to stop liking me (when I announced my engagement she basically told me she didn't think I was actually in love and poo-pooed the whole thing, and then they both got super mad when mum defended me) and now he's saying they can't make it because work schedules and baby sitters and such. Same for my cousins. A year away.

Just... how do I pretend I'm not hurt and tell them all it's okay and smile like it is?

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28 Comments

  • Going to the chapel
    Master July 2017
    Going to the chapel ·

    So sorry this has already come up. Sounds like your dad is depressed. Perhaps you could suggest counseling? Also, most people don't know their work schedules yet for 2018 and have no idea whether they can get off for travel or not. You have months for things to calm down and/or shake out. I wouldn't get too upset yet.

  • Annie
    Super October 2018
    Annie ·

    Are you getting married on actual Halloween or the weekend before or after? Honestly I wouldn't take off for a weekday wedding like that. It's an inconvenient to choose a weekday wedding. Unfortunately you will probably receive a lot of declines based on that. Hopefully your immediate family will attend though.

  • Kate
    Dedicated December 2017
    Kate ·

    A Wednesday wedding means anyone coming from out of state likely needs to take off Tuesday-Thursday which is just super inconvenient for people who work M-F.

  • A. L.
    Master July 2017
    A. L. ·

    You picked a Wednesday wedding on a holiday that most people spend with their kids. This is 100% your issue.

  • RustyTheDog
    Dedicated December 2017
    RustyTheDog ·

    Wouldn't you ask your VIPs if they could attend a WEDNESDAY wedding before booking it? I couldn't EVER attend a Wednesday wedding even for my own family unless it was during a holiday I already got off from work for (Halloween is NOT a paid time off day). I just can't take three days off in the middle of a week when I teach. Wednesday is a super inconvenient day of the week, particularly for out of town guests. On top of it, for people with kids Halloween is a big deal and kids want to go trick or treating, not sit at a wedding or be left with a babysitter. I wouldn't go even if I was in town if I had kids.

  • FutureMrsHill
    Expert April 2018
    FutureMrsHill ·

    I wouldn't attend a wedding on Wednesday. It's the middle of the week. Also, before I picked my date I asked my VIPs, if they had any plans because most of them are in grad school.

  • FilleNouvelle
    Expert April 2018
    FilleNouvelle ·

    Yeah my family is making excuses too...they're pretty much complaining that it's way too far since it's not in their hometown. No one wants to travel ever.

    I'm just letting them do what they want. I know FH will be there, so I'm good lol.

  • TheWrightGirl
    Super November 2017
    TheWrightGirl ·

    I have to disagree @Chapel regarding work schedules. Some companies require their employees to turn in their requested vacation time off before the start of the year. If someone already has vacation that week then they may not be able to get it off. My H had to take our wedding invitation to HR in order to get the week of our honeymoon off because that was their peak season. OP, I'm sorry this is happening to you, but I have to agree that having a wedding in the middle of the week is really hard for your guest when they have to travel. It's hard for your guest when they are local.

  • Stephanie
    Devoted October 2018
    Stephanie ·

    Unfortunately I think you'll have to be expecting a lot more people to decline. While it's frustrating to hear people say they can't come because of babysitters, or work, it's very common, especially if you're inviting OOT guests to a middle of the week wedding.

    You're asking your guests to take off at the very least, two days of work, and if kids are included, they'd be missing school. If you're not inviting children, then that means your guests will need to find someone to watch their children for 24+ hours, while making sure they can get them to school and any other activities, like trick or treating.

  • Seshanna
    Dedicated October 2018
    Seshanna ·

    It's just kinda frustrating because my out of state friends are already booking their days off, looking at hotels, looking at plane tickets, etc. I know for a fact I have the best friends in the universe. One even has multiple trips that year and is really having to juggle it with work, but she says the only reason she won't make it is if she's dead, and even then she'll come as a ghost and have the best costume for the whole party. I dunno what I'd do without them. It just hurts that with my family, I don't matter. None of them have even congratulated Jacob or I. Dad's response was literally "That's nice." Your eldest daughter is getting married for the first time and all you say is "that's nice." My sisters said "Oh, cool." And my brother's wife picked on me until I cried and so my brother hasn't spoken to me since then because our mother yelled at him for it.

  • He'smarryingmeformycats
    Beginner June 2018
    He'smarryingmeformycats ·

    It definitely makes things more difficult by having a mid-week wedding, but immediate family not being able to make it? That IS hurtful and I'm not sure it's possible to mask that. I wouldn't try to make them feel guilty about not being able to make it (if it turns out that they can't in fact come), but there's nothing wrong with telling them that you're sad they won't be there and it would mean a lot to you for them to be there.

    I really don't want to tell you what to do, but is Halloween significant to you and FS? Is a venue booked for that day already? If you could reschedule for a weekend, that would probably show your family how much it means to you that they come and that you're willing to make concessions to have them with you on your big day.

  • C
    Dedicated December 2018
    Courtney ·

    I'm with Wendy- they don't sound supportive, and this is a day to celebrate you and your FH. I would actually prefer if they do not come. I am sorry they are mean about this though.

  • A. L.
    Master July 2017
    A. L. ·

    @Seshanna, tons of people are going to tell you they are trying to get work off. Really, for a Wednesday, most of them won't come.

    Switch your date now.

  • Rosered
    Devoted January 2019
    Rosered ·

    Wednesday OOT wedding is a big ask, even with a years notice. Telling someone ahead of time does not obligate them to make it work. Also, Halloween is a kid-centric holiday, so I would think a lot of parents would not want to miss spending it with their kids.

  • Abbie
    Devoted April 2018
    Abbie ·

    OP, I'm sorry your family has not been supportive of your engagement and pending marriage. That is a bummer, and hurt feelings are understandable.

    However, PP are right...you've planned a mid-week wedding and have a lot of traveling guests...that's going to be hard for folks whether they are family or not. Would it be nice if family said "OF COURSE we'll be there, come hell or high water!"? Obviously. But that clearly isn't the case, and if this is an issue of tough travel plans...perhaps this is something you should have considered prior to picking this date (although it's not too late to change it!)

  • McSkipper
    Super August 2018
    McSkipper ·

    At least they're giving you fair warning?

    Oh boy. An out of state Wednesday wedding is a Big Ask. Even bigger if they have kids and it's on a maaajjooor kid holiday.

    I understand you're frustrated, but it's really on you. If it is this important to you to have them there, you should have run the dates by them first. Honestly if my brother asked me to travel to a midweek wedding on Halloween I'd be super salty and definitely debating attending. Like YEAH he's my brother, but to miss days of work, travel AND miss Halloween with my kid (or bring my kid to come with me and force them to MISS Halloween???)

    I'm just not sure what you expected?

    My brother is getting married far away on a Friday which will be a little tough for me, but at least he asked first, and we all said we'd make it work

    ETA I'm not trying to be rude, I sympathize and feel for you that they won't be there. But you just have to consider both sides.

  • RustyTheDog
    Dedicated December 2017
    RustyTheDog ·

    I second Mrs70. All my friends said they thought they would come and would like at flights, etc. But in reality only 3/11 actually can come when it came time for RSVPs. Traveling and taking off work are difficult and just not always possible, no matter how much they love you. Don't take it personally.

  • Seshanna
    Dedicated October 2018
    Seshanna ·

    We picked Halloween because it's a central holiday for my fiance and I, and my whole side of the family. We celebrate Samhain, which has always been a big deal for our family. The chance to celebrate and have ritual together is a pretty rare occasion, so the thought of having the whole family there for ritual, a wedding, and honoring our ancestors together would be amazing. It's also my FH's second fave holiday (Christmas is number one), and our anniversary; hell, the day he popped the question was Halloween and he'd even said how much he'd always wanted a Halloween wedding. So, really we couldn't think of a more appropriate date that was as meaningful. And I get it, weekend weddings are the norm, and traveling. I get it. But I am pretty hurt that none of them are interested. That's all. Even if they're not nice to me or supportive of me, I invite them because they're my family and I do love them and want them in my life.

  • LaraLouM
    Super May 2019
    LaraLouM ·

    I can imagine how hard it would be to deal with your family not even acting like they are happy for you. Honestly I would tell them how it has made you feel. People get stuck in their bubbles of only thinking about themselves and they should have at least congratulated you on your engagement.

  • RustyTheDog
    Dedicated December 2017
    RustyTheDog ·

    I get that the date is meaningful, and your family should be happy for you, but I guess I don't get what they are supposed to say besides "oh cool!" or "congrats." It isn't their wedding, it is yours. And I do think you should take some responsibility for choosing a Wednesday, holiday wedding. You are prioritizing the date over the convenience for your family and guests, and the result is many people can't come. If you and your husband want to celebrate your wedding anniversary on Halloween every year you can, even if you choose another date so that isn't your "real" anniversary. I would still consider moving your date if you can.

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