Nikita
VIP April 2019

Family Drama Landmine Ahead

Nikita, on March 6, 2019 at 8:40 AM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 13
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So, I already had a bit if social navigation to do with my wedding (don't we all?). My father is transgender, and most of my family has cut her off. The no-contact is due to some other reasons, but they're *mostly* unrelated. There's a lot of bad-blood between her, my siblings and my mom. They sound downright childish in the way they're handling things - albeit the problems were real. Just the handling was bad.

Anyways, jump forward, and last night dad informed me that she will be detransitioning just in time for the wedding (due to medical concerns). If this follows trend, just mentiong dad will spark the non-stop bad talking. And this adds fuel to the "see we we were right, this was about attention" fire.

Selfishly, l'm already exhausted just thinking of March since I have all the social stuff leading up to the wedding. So the thought of this just exhausts me more.

Anyways, I'm not really expecting any advice but I'd be happy to hear any. I just needed to vent.

13 Comments

  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle ·
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    If it were me, I'd just flat out tell the rest of my family to keep their opinions and negative thinking to themselves for the sake of your sanity and your wedding. Hopefully, they can put their feelings aside for something so important to you.

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  • Formerbride
    VIP June 2019
    Formerbride ·
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    That's really rough. I feel for you. I am lucky that a few years before my wedding the toxic people in my family were cut out by all. We are all happier for it. Now I don't even have to worry about their nastiness. Although, your situation could totally be that people are being nasty in this instance and are not all around awful people. That still doesn't make this easy for you. But I agree with Danielle, they need to keep it bottled up lol. It has nothing to do with your wedding day.

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  • Amanda
    Master December 2020
    Amanda ·
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    In my opinion, family and well anyone at a wedding needs to keep their opinions at bay and just be mature for your one happy day thats about you. I'm not afraid to tell my family they will be kicked out if they can't behave. It's about you not your dad or what she chose to do with her life. By the way, very proud to here her strength ♡
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  • Quinta Nikkole
    Dedicated May 2019
    Quinta Nikkole ·
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    I feel you with having family drama. I can not get a Family photo, because my mom refuses to be in the picture with my brother( her stepson). I have already decided that if anyone starts drama I'm asking them to leave. Fh and I didn't even want a wedding, we were just going to go up to the court house and have a party afterwards. But since I am the only grandchild that my grandparents (mothers side) will see get married my mom talked me into it. So Drama is a no no...
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  • Gonnabeaburch
    Super July 2019
    Gonnabeaburch ·
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    We can kind of relate. My FH's father and the rest of his family do not get along. They completely alienated him for reasons that are clear, but possibly untrue. Anyhow, when planning the wedding, FH knew that he couldn't invite him or the rest of his family wouldn't show. It really bothers him and every time we talk about the guest list, he mentions how he wish he could invite his father. I feel so bad for him because he is so close to his family, but he hasn't seen his father in over 10 years and wants to have a relationship with him. I wasn't really able to have a say in all of this because it's not my family yet, but it's a really sucky situation because I know it hurts my FH that they can't all be there for this moment. All in all, he decided to choose the lesser of two evils and chose to have his entire family there instead of just his dad. In our situation, it's not bad talking and drama though, it's a him or us situation. I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. It has to be really hard and spoil some of the excitment. I'm really sorry and hope it all works out for the best!
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  • CountryRoads
    Expert October 2018
    CountryRoads ·
    • Flag

    That sounds incredibly stressful. Your family needs to realize their role in this is to be supportive of you, not triangulate and use your wedding as a platform for drama. It might be a good idea to make a boundary now. At the first hint of this coming up from anyone- SHUT IT DOWN:

    " you are aware that I do not want to be involved with this conflict right? please respect my wishes and refrain from bringing it up with me..

    "you know, i was hoping to talk about XYZ, and this is unrelated so: i need to go\lets change the topic\ lets go back to the topic at hand...."

    "I am not enabling this conversation, I am not involved in this conflict, can we continue our conversation?",

    "I will not be part of this. If you cant talk to me without it, you need to direct your conversational energy elsewhere; I hope to see you at the wedding"

    "Im sorry, I know you said something, but all I heard was the sound my boundary being disrespected. Maybe you could try again"

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    Thank you for the comment. Yeah, that's what I usually have to do - and walk out because they're not great at respecting that. The annoying thing is that it feels a bit like my backdoor is restricted now. But it'll be fine - just frustrating.

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    Thank you for the support. I've thought about going no-contact with my family members in the past. But as it would be all of my direct kin, but I don't think I could do it. Feels like severing a limb at this point. And they need to do something more severe for me to take that next step. I'm glad no-contact has worked well for you though!

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    Thank you. I'm proud of her too. I wish they could separate the person to the transgender identity. A long time ago, I tried to tell them that, "I can admit that as a father he was absentee and irresponsible at best, but I can be proud of who he is and what he's accomplished." Which really only adds to the rift, as they tried to change my mind. I've done a lot of trying to shut down the conversation, changing it, and now just saying "bye, see you later"

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    I can totally relate on the court house wedding! I've said all over here that it was my preference. FH wanted a party though... I'm glad he says that he now understands why I wanted to go that route.

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    I feel for him and you. It's absolutely ridiculous that grown adults can't at least put their differences for one day. I know that most of the time, families do try to do that, and won't be overtly dramatic. But I really hate the undertones.

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  • Nikita
    VIP April 2019
    Nikita ·
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    Thanks for the comment. Yeah, I've created a boundary in the past. I don't like that I'll have to essentially re-establish it (which i always do when the cycle begins) right around my wedding. It's irritating. Manageable, but I certainly don't have to like it.

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  • Cassie
    Dedicated November 2020
    Cassie ·
    • Flag

    I know it's easier said then done.... but I have some family that doesn't get along very well either and of course I want them all there to celebrate in our special day. I made it very clear.... I love them all dearly and I respect their differences, but that day is OUR day and I want them all to be part of such a special moment in my life...... with that being said, I expect them to in return to respect my wishes and that if they can't control their emotions or behavior then I not to attend. Honestly, they should be able to honor those wishes, it's not about them or their wants or needs that day it about YOURS and your FH's. Don't be afraid to make that clear. You only get this day once, don't be afraid to make it clear that drama is not and will not be welcome at the wedding or any events leading up to.


    And... If it gets really bad unfortunately you may have to hurt some feelings and ask someone to leave.

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