SoontobeMrs.A-V
Dedicated October 2016

DW STRESS..Please help!

SoontobeMrs.A-V, on November 3, 2015 at 7:26 AM Posted in Planning 0 18
Saved Save
Reply

Hello all! Our DW Is in Jamaica next October, yes about 1 year from today! Since we announced we are having a DW people have been complaining about the travel, the expected spending, etc. I was ready for it being that as we all know WEDDINGS ARE A CRISIS. However, lately I've been getting the craziest complaints and it is really taking a toll on me, especially because my FH just thinks that I'm being too defensive and getting overwhelmed too easily. From complaining about the wedding planner playing phone tag, to why didn't I invite a certain person, to the price of the trip, to a bridesmaids already complaint about the bridesmaid dress I have in mind, I am losing my mind!!!! What should I do!!!

18 Comments

  • WolfWedding2016
    Master May 2016
    WolfWedding2016 ·
    • Flag

    When a destination wedding is chosen, you have to realize you're going to have higher declines and pushback from people who can't afford to go that would have liked to have been there had it been local. I second To Be Mr and Mrs - take a deep breath, and tell them you understand and hopefully they can be there, and then accept they may not be able to make it. They may also be bringing it up more now because you are still about 11 months out, and maybe they think they can change your mind to have something local. I'm betting it will die down the closer you get.

    • Reply
  • Princess Consuela
    Master November 2015
    Princess Consuela ·
    • Flag

    Hmm. Did you talk to your VIPs before deciding on a DW? I can understand how it'd be super annoying if they were on board at one point, and are now giving lots of pushback. On the other hand, if a DW is what you and your FH really want, know that you might have higher declines and more grumbling. At the end of the day, you'll still be married.

    • Reply
  • SoontobeMrs.A-V
    Dedicated October 2016
    SoontobeMrs.A-V ·
    • Flag

    Thank you 3 ladies for responding. I knew a DW wedding would be stressful, I guess I just want to make sure everyone is pleased with all decisions we make, so that's stressing me out even more..I will take your advice and take a deep breath..how would you address the bridesmaid complaining about the dress?

    • Reply
  • ButSrsly
    Expert November 2015
    ButSrsly ·
    • Flag

    If I were having a destination wedding in Jamaica, I wouldn't be expecting a large turn out. Probably just immediate family. So maybe the push back is people too far removed are being included in wedding discussions, when they're a distinct possibility you don't even expect them to attend? What kind of BM dress are you thinking? How many BM are there? If there's only 1 or 2, and a very small number of people are attending, is there a problem with the BM choosing her own dress? You're also 11 months out. I'm not sure why you'd be arguing about who to invite. Again, how many people do you realistically see traveling to Jamaica? (don't forget everyone needs passports - another travel expense!)

    • Reply
  • OGAubrey
    VIP July 2016
    OGAubrey ·
    • Flag

    I'm also curious what BM dress you're thinking about. Is it the expense that has her worried or the actual look of the dress? Does it have to be the one that you want? Will you be paying for the dress?

    • Reply
  • SunshineJenn
    Master August 2014
    SunshineJenn ·
    • Flag

    I had a DW.

    First things first:

    -expect low turn out. In fact, embrace it, because it's less drama and less responsibility

    -when someone complains about the cost (like my own father did), smile and tell them as nicely as you are able, "I completely understand it's expensive and if you are unable to make it, we know you'll be there in spirit."

    - is your wedding planner in Jamaica? If so, expect to play phone tag A LOT. They work on island time and the day of our wedding, our planner was with us the entire day, from 11am-11pm. There was no way she was answering emails or phone calls because she was just too busy and it was a long day for her already.

    - I mitigated complaints about the bridesmaid dresses by picking the fabric and designer I wanted them to wear and letting them choose the dress. The self-selection let them choose a dress style best suited for them and let them work within their own budget. You have to keep in mind that they are already spending a lot of money to attend your wedding. Let them have some control and trust their judgement. I attached a pic of what my girls wore. (This still did not stop drama with my sister over shoes, but that's another thread that already exists LOL).

    At the end of the day, you will be married, it will have been awesome and you will not regret having a DW. It's been over a year since ours and people STILL talk about it. Just remember that you can't make anyone go and for those who don't, they can gnash their teeth in regret when they see your pics and what a great time you had.

    PS: Don't expect anyone to book right away. In fact, we had people wait until three months out. LOL stressful! But it is what it is.

    PPS: Definitely use a travel agent, preferably one who specializes in DWs.


    • Reply
  • SoontobeMrs.A-V
    Dedicated October 2016
    SoontobeMrs.A-V ·
    • Flag

    Thank you all for your input... @sunshinejenn thanks! I really feel you understand me because I am now in your shoes! So appreciate your info! In regards to a dress, I don't have a specific preference but my soon to be sister in law just got a boob job so she wants to show it off, and that is not my primary concern. Am I wrong for that??

    • Reply
  • Princess Consuela
    Master November 2015
    Princess Consuela ·
    • Flag

    Also, stop trying to please everyone. You will absolutely 100% go batshit crazy!

    • Reply
  • Amber
    Savvy November 2015
    Amber ·
    • Flag

    I am also having a destination wedding and agree with everything that @sunshinejenn said.

    I too have heard a lot of complaints from people about how they would never choose a DW or how its too expensive. But we had always known we wanted to do a DW and we talked to our VIPs first to make sure it was something they would feel comfortable doing. Anyone else besides your VIPs that are able to make it is just a bonus! Only 16 guests are able to attend our wedding but it honestly makes things a lot easier having a smaller guest list.

    In regards to the BM dresses, if you can afford it, its a really nice gesture to purchase the dresses for them since they are paying to attend your wedding, especially if you want them to wear something specific. If you are more open to options, I would let them have more autonomy over the dress choice if they are paying for it. You could also just let them know a colour and fabric and then let them chose their neckline like the picture @sunshinejenn posted. That way your SIL can show off without your other BMs having to - if you're okay with that lol.

    Try not to worry about other people's opinions so much because you can't please everyone - this was a difficult lesson for me to learn! At the end of the day, this is OUR special day and no one else's. People are going to complain no matter what you do, so do what is important to you.

    • Reply
  • SunshineJenn
    Master August 2014
    SunshineJenn ·
    • Flag

    She can show off her boobs all she wants...no one will be looking at HER that day. Smiley winking

    • Reply
  • OG Kathryn
    Champion May 2016
    OG Kathryn ·
    • Flag

    Thats stupid, she can show off her tits at the pool/beach the rest of the week.

    • Reply
  • Ostrich
    Master April 2016
    Ostrich ·
    • Flag

    You said they don't like the dress you have in mind, can you share it with us?

    • Reply
  • MeetTheHamiltons
    Master April 2017
    MeetTheHamiltons ·
    • Flag

    This is the reason we changed our minds about having a DW. Our immediately family were ok NOW with the prices but I knew if I was going crazy over the cost they would be too For myself, FH and our 4 kids was $2500 for airfare and hotel. I also hit a lot of dead ends with getting in contact with people to find out pricing etc. It got really frustrating and we just deaded the whole idea and decided to get married locally, which Iam fine with. If its what you really want and can afford it, go for it. Those who really want to be apart of it will find a way.

    • Reply
  • Kmess
    Master October 2015
    Kmess ·
    • Flag

    I have to laugh at your SIL wanting to show off her boob job because it just so happens that my sister bought her BM dress and then got a boob job a month later. She then tried on the dress and realized that it made her look like a $2 hooker (it was both tight, strapless, and short, and with her new boobs it pushed it over the edge) and bought a completely different dress. I had been a little worried about it, but hadn't said anything, so I was really glad she had the good sense to notice it herself. Hopefully your SIL will get there on her own too.

    eta spelling

    • Reply
  • SoontobeMrs.A-V
    Dedicated October 2016
    SoontobeMrs.A-V ·
    • Flag

    Thanks all!!! You don't know how much all your advice helped me! I was really overwhelmed this morning!!

    • Reply
  • Elizabeth
    Master December 2016
    Elizabeth ·
    • Flag

    I agree with others that you should just let your BMs choose their own if they're making a big deal about it. It would be a nice gesture since they're spending so much to be there on your day. Personally, I have no problem with DWs, so long as the bride and groom understand that not everyone can afford to come. If that's not an issue, then I say tell everyone if they can't come you'll miss them, but you understand. End of story. It's your wedding. You get to choose the venue.

    @Amber is your photo a picture of your venue??? I'm in love!

    • Reply
  • Glam0rous
    VIP June 2016
    Glam0rous ·
    • Flag

    I am also having a DW and I totally know where you are coming from. People have to understand that yes, a DW is NOT cheap. At the same time most look at this as a great time to take a vacation out of it. Like most have said there are tons of people who aren't making it simply because of the high cost on their part. At the same time - this is YOUR wedding. Tell people to take their complaints else where. I have had several people complain about the lack of "fun excursions" and other things to do at the resort. I simple said -- "this is my wedding. I am not planning your family vacation - if you don't like it research something close on your own" You have no obligation to helping anyone other than getting the information of the resort, flight, day of wedding etc. Is your planner local or from Jamaica? We hired a DW specialist who does the travel agency aspect AND the planning aspect. Honestly, I don't know what I would do without her.

    Take a deep breath. It's totally not easy. If you have your wedding website make sure you make a note that if anyone has any concerns about the accommodations or flight information to contact your planner NOT YOU! That is what she is there for. Unfortunately it can get worse from here. Once deposit deadline gets closer and closer your guests are going to get more and more impatient.

    Good luck! I know tons of people are totally against DW's but this is YOUR wedding. Don't let anyone ruin it for you Smiley smile

    • Reply
  • C
    Expert May 2016
    cakewalk82 ·
    • Flag

    I understand your stress. I chose a DW as well. One of the reasons being I thought it'd be easier to plan since it would be smaller. Nope! So many opinions, concerns and etiquette questions come in to play! The hardest thing about the whole process has been to learn not to worry about other people. I was so concerned with trying to please people and it just made me sick with stress. People complained about the cost, the date, the location. I finally just decided to make myself happy and stop worrying about them. I told them there was a reason for every decision I had made and I just stuck to my guns. People get over it. If they want to come great! If they can't, I completely understand!

    • Reply

Comment on this discussion

×
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

WeddingWire article topics