J
Savvy October 2020

Courthouse advice

Jeanie, on April 2, 2017 at 1:09 PM Posted in Planning 0 90
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Hey everyone! So my fiancé and I are wanting to get married before he leaves for a long deployment. However, we don't want our families to find out as they would disapprove of a courthouse marriage. We aren't having our church ceremony until fall of 2020, so I was looking for advice on my name change... How much of a hassle is it going to be for me to change my last name after the church ceremony in 2020? Has anyone gone through this that can share their experience?? I know it's a bad idea to "hide" things from family, but we have to do what is best for us and our future.

90 Comments

  • FutureMrsComo
    Super October 2018
    FutureMrsComo ·
    • Flag

    You can renew your vows in 2020. No lying and no fake ceremonies. If you can't wait until 2020 to get married, don't. But be honest with friends and family about your decision.

    • Reply
  • Helena Handbasket
    Master February 2016
    Helena Handbasket ·
    • Flag

    Your going to LIE to your families for three years? This isn't hiding. It's outright lying.

    Tell them. Tell them the reasoning behind it.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.KatieK
    Master September 2016
    Mrs.KatieK ·
    • Flag

    Depending on your local requirements, it should be relatively the same whether you change it after your wedding or after your vow renewal. Generally, you take your identification and marriage certificate to the social security office to have it changed. I don't think there's a time requirement for name changes.

    You'll just go by Jeanie Maidenname after your wedding until you choose to change it to Jeanie Marriedname.

    ETA: I'm not condoning lying to family and friends about this. But it appears that OP isn't going to change her mind on that.

    • Reply
  • Sarah H.
    Master September 2016
    Sarah H. ·
    • Flag

    Being military doesn't excuse you lying to your family. Look I get it, POA, the health insurance, all understandable reasons to be married before they deploy. However, you should still tell your family, it's wrong to lie to them for so long.

    • Reply
  • Linds
    Master March 2017
    Linds ·
    • Flag

    I have a cousin who did this - and you know what happens? People find out. And we were all hurt we weren't even told about it. We were happy for her, and felt like she didn't want to celebrate or even tell us.

    Life happens and they ended up never doing the big celebration they planned.

    • Reply
  • Aqualeo
    Devoted June 2017
    Aqualeo ·
    • Flag

    Maybe you should just be an adult and tell your family your decision and later on you can have a vow renewal instead of lying to everyone for three years.

    • Reply
  • EC18
    VIP April 2018
    EC18 ·
    • Flag

    How old are you? Lying to parents and families and expecting them to still support said lie THREE YEARS LATER seems very immature.

    • Reply
  • K
    Savvy September 2018
    Katherine ·
    • Flag

    I wouldnt hide if from your family. Its one of those times where everyone should be able to celebrate together. I say explain your reason for it, but also have it to where the families will be involved and can be a private matter due to his deployment. I would think about whether its worth the wait because i think thats whats most important is your love with your friends and family

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy October 2020
    Jeanie ·
    • Flag

    I wish it were that easy, I honestly do. However, his side of the family would disown him if we told them about a court marriage. They already are on edge about our engagement. All things aside we have went forward with planning a traditional ceremony to be married in the eyes of the church in '20.

    I'm not looking for judgement on this, I am looking for advice. Again, I wish my situation was normal enough to plan a wedding all-in-one, but it is not.

    Anyone who could help me out with my name change question, I would greatly appreciate it.

    • Reply
  • Mrs.B2B
    Super March 2018
    Mrs.B2B ·
    • Flag

    I would just tell them. Its your life. If tbey end up not being happy at east you wont have that guilt on your heart

    • Reply
  • K.M.
    Master September 2018
    K.M. ·
    • Flag

    How old are you? I literally know someone who just did this. Guess what? She got caught and weeks before their "wedding" their parents cancelled it and are refusing to talk to her. Lying to your loved ones is a terrible idea.

    • Reply
  • Jaimee
    Master October 2019
    Jaimee ·
    • Flag

    If getting married now is the best choice for you, then your families would be supportive, regardless if they didn't envision you having a courthouse wedding.

    • Reply
  • Helena Handbasket
    Master February 2016
    Helena Handbasket ·
    • Flag

    So let me ask you this. When people come up to you and ask how excited you are to get married, or excited to be a wife, or ready for your big day what is your answer going to be? If they want to throw you a shower, or dear lord a bachelorette party? You aren't a bachelorette, you are going to go out for a party to celebrate something that already happened?

    Will no one not figure it out that you all of the sudden get benefits of being his wife while you plan a wedding? They will talk and whisper behind your back.

    Honestly if you think you have to hide being married then maybe you aren't mature enough to get married in the first place

    • Reply
  • K.M.
    Master September 2018
    K.M. ·
    • Flag

    "Married in the eyes of the church" haha not even touching that

    • Reply
  • EC18
    VIP April 2018
    EC18 ·
    • Flag

    Sorry, but you don't get to pick and choose which responses you get on an internet forum. The name change shouldn't be much of an issue regardless of when it takes place. The issue should be that you want to have your cake and eat it, too, and all under threat of his family "disowning" him. If y'all are adult enough to get married and lie about it for 3 years, y'all should be adult enough to do so without regard for the consequences, for there will be lots of them.

    • Reply
  • Celia Milton
    November 2019
    Celia Milton ·
    • Flag

    I'm pretty liberal about this, but even I think you should tell your parents. You can change your name at any point, but I'd tell them. If there is some compelling reason for you to get married now, your parents will PROBABLY understand. And if they can't see clear to agree with what is best for their kids?

    Tough.

    You do what's right for you, not what's right for them.

    • Reply
  • Jaimee
    Master October 2019
    Jaimee ·
    • Flag

    ^what Celia said

    Also, if they've threatened to disown him over a courthouse wedding...well...I think it goes without saying what their reaction will be if they find out you got married without their knowledge...

    Honesty is the best policy. Tell your parents. Tell his parents. If it's truly what's best, they'll understand.

    If not? As Celia said, do what's best for you, not them.

    • Reply
  • Aqualeo
    Devoted June 2017
    Aqualeo ·
    • Flag

    Why are they "on edge" about your engagement?

    • Reply
  • Kelly M.
    Super October 2016
    Kelly M. ·
    • Flag

    Sounds like your FH's parents are super religious? If you two don't share the same opinion as them on when is okay to be married, that's fine. Tell them. If they really disown him, they probably were never going to be happy with this marriage anyway. Don't deceive them in an attempt to avoid conflict. It'll backfire, I promise.

    • Reply
  • Helena Handbasket
    Master February 2016
    Helena Handbasket ·
    • Flag

    So they aren't happy with your engagement and you think they are going to be happy with you lying and hiding it from them for three years???

    • Reply

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