I just really need advice and some cheering up. Last night it’s official, My MOH has to drop out because she is pregnant with twins and her doctor won’t let her travel. And then my other bridesmaid wants to drop out because she won’t know many people there and doesn’t want to travel by herself and all these other excuses (she was going with my MOH and her family-who my MOH’d familybisbstill going) and my other bridesmaid can’t afford to go (totally understandable) so now I’m down to 1. My FH has 4. I do have my brothers girlfriend I’m going to ask to be one. She’s super cool! But the main part of this discussion is to get advice and if anyone has been through this situation, how did you move in and get through it knowing your MOH is not able to be there in your big day?
You just kinda have to accept it. I had 2 people drop out of my wedding ( and unfortunately both friendships have ended.) But, they had to do what was best for them. Though, it sounds like your first friend is just flaky. Just move on. Don’t replace them. I’d just let it be. To me, you save money & emotions. At least they dropped out now instead of the month before.
There is not much you can do. Traditionally, the bride and groom pay transportation costs ( unless a few hours driving) and any hotel or lodgings cost, for any of wedding party who must travel to the wedding. With a destination wedding, that means everyone, though someone well off financially may say they will pay. This is the 3rd post I have read in 3 days home sick ( reading a lot) where the bride has complained of cost of wedding to bridesmaid has caused one or more to drop out, ask for help, or drop out of shower or bachelorette, due to costs. And in every one, the bride and groom had not planned to pay for transportation and lodgings as they should. Then wonder, why did they agree in the first place? Well, most likely they thought the bride would follow standard etiquette, and pay transportation and hotel. Because the dress, a shower gift, and wedding gift are the only things a MOH or BM or GM must pay for. They can plan to do own hair, and need not help throw parties, or go yo any bachelorette, or any shower involving traveling more than a couple hours by car. If you want to save at least one, maybe two, of your current bridesmaids, pay for the transportation to and from your wedding, and any hotel costs, as you should have to begin with. They may be relieved of financial worries, and come. The bridesmaid making up excuses may just be too embarrassed to say money is a big part of things, and you know the other would come if not so expensive. You pay up as per standard etiquette, and may have 3 of your original 4.
I think you should continue with whoever you have in your bridal party . Big bridal party takes Lousy wedding pictures anyway. At the end of the day it’s about you and your future husband. Wish you the very best !
Not the same but kind of.... I moved from the uk to France 15 years ago. I still have 3 people I consider as close friends (One Is my cousin). Not one of them is coming. I feel really hurt. But I'll be fine, so will you. My friends all have their reasons.... one being completely understandable. But my cousin, probably the most disappointing was unfortunately not a shock but a confirmation of our friendship! Chin up... move on. You'll be ok.... your pregnant mo probably feels rather disappointed that she can't come too.
View Quoted Comment
Look in an American etiquette book from 1940, 1970, twenty years ago, or now, and you will see, that when travel is more than a couple of hours by car. or train, the couple is supposed to pay for lodgings, and any transportation cost, like airfare, or taxi ride from an airport if an expensive one. And lodgings., if a very long drive for someone, so they must stay overnight partway to the wedding. Clothing within their stated budget, which bride asks about before choosing a dress, and personal grooming of their choice, and any cost of a shower or other party they volunteer to help hostess, and gifts, are the only costs a BM ( or GM) pays for. I know in England , parts of Canada, and some of Scandinavia, B also pays for dresses. But always supposed to cover lodgings and airfare. TV and movies do not show this in dream weddings, nor do many website budget forms, if website is supported by the wedding industry, like WW and the knot. But then, they never include the cost of extra bathrooms for home and yard tent weddings for one hundred, either. It makes big wedding parties and destination weddings seem more doable, for the couple, so the couple will spend more on wedding itself, profit. But check a real etiquette or social manners and etiquette, and protocol book, it is standard still.
View Quoted Comment
Times have changed drastically since 1940! Couples live together before they’re married, have kids before, and now a lot of couples are paying for their own weddings and a lot of times that doesn’t leave room for bridal party travel and lodging. It’s just not the “standard” because most weddings now-a-days aren’t very traditional. I think if she has room in her budget to help her BMs out and she wants to help then fine, but she doesn’t have to do it if she can’t.
I completely understand and have been in a similar situation. My Matron of honor is out (long story) And her husband was a groomsmen so he is out, and then my fiancés best mans wife just found out she is pregnant and due the week of our wedding and they are out of state. Leaving our bridal party with 5 bridesmaids and possible 4 groomsmen when it was 6 and 6. But we did all we could do with this was move on and come up with a plan which we did. Which is leaving the girls at 5 and adding another groomsman in case his best mans baby comes we at least have 5 groomsmen which is totally fine. I’ve been planning my wedding since 2017 and those movies and stories you read about planning a wedding are misleading. It’s stressful and sometimes s*** happens and people have things going on in their own lives and all we can do is respect that and move on. It’s okay to add people if you neee too. Hope this helps you.
Addressing the original reason for your post, it's unfortunate that these women are dropping out of your wedding. I agree that your MOH has no choice but to drop out, and I'm sure you're both disappointed by that even though it's for a positive result (congrats on her pregnancy!). I've been in weddings before where I accepted the role because I love the bride and didn't think there would be unreasonable costs but then was blindsided by the expenses I was responsible for (mainly due to the MOH's influence in the dresses, options for bachelorette, and poor budgeting/planning for the shower). Luckily, the bride picked up on how much financial strain was being put on the rest of us and did her best to take care of other expenses for us but another bridesmaid and I came very close to saying that we couldn't be in the wedding anymore because of how extreme it was becoming. My point is that maybe you can talk to the bridesmaid who has to drop out due to money and see if there's anything that can be done to meet in the middle so she can still be a part of the day. And I agree about the other one who dropped out because the MOH dropped out. Maybe she was embarrassed to say that it was also about the money or maybe she has another more legitimate reason than just not knowing anyone. Try talking with her a little more to see if there's anything else going on. Out of curiosity, would those 2 bridesmaids still be attending as guests or are they not going to be at your wedding at all? Either way, regardless of what those 2 say, try not to focus on them and instead focus on what the day means for you and your FH. Good luck!!
I had a bm drop out if my wedding recently. It was saddening & Unfortunately the friendship ended due to that. It was not something I expected being that They don’t have much financial responsibility for the wedding.. But there’s nothing you can really do besides talking to her & finding some type of compromise.