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MandMHoagland
Expert October 2017

Bride/Groom Etiquette Vent

MandMHoagland, on June 15, 2017 at 6:04 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 43
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Recently went to the wedding of one of my BMs. It was a rushed engagement/wedding due to pregnancy, but whatever. If they are happy that's all the counts. Either way, the family decided to have a Virtual shower as people are all over the country, asking that gifts arrive to the brides house between certain dates (early May). Not my thing I think it's tacky, but I took part. We had other friends who were so against it they didn't participate. I believe you have the shower somewhere and if people can't travel to get there, that's ok.

A month later they got married. I am royally irked though as I have still not received a thank you for the shower gifts, yet they can go and cash the check we wrote them within 2 days of their wedding. If they have a baby shower the same way, I honestly cannot say whether or not I plan to participate. Shower thank yous should be within 2 weeks of the gifts.

43 Comments

  • Natalie
    VIP June 2017
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    'Either way, the family decided to have a Virtual shower as people are all over the country, asking that gifts arrive to the brides house between certain dates (early May).'

    Um what? So just show up at some random time during the month with a present? No party and no food were provided?

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  • Natalie
    VIP June 2017
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    Oh hang on, it sounds like it's even worse than that. Just send us a present, don't drop in. Is that right?

    • Reply
  • MandMHoagland
    Expert October 2017
    MandMHoagland ·
    • Flag

    It was virtual, so you ordered online from their registry and sent them the gifts on your own. No party was had at any time, anywhere.

    • Reply
  • StPaulGal
    Master July 2017
    StPaulGal ·
    • Flag

    Eh, they aren't that late yet. The sooner the better, of course, but it sounds like everything was rushed and it seems pretty understandable that they might take a while. If you don't get something in the next month or so then you would have more of a right to be annoyed.

    • Reply
  • Grace
    VIP June 2018
    Grace ·
    • Flag

    @Nat - from what it sounds like: nope just send us a gift through the web and not even have a party or food or anything.


    • Reply
  • MandMHoagland
    Expert October 2017
    MandMHoagland ·
    • Flag

    @StPaulGal, if the baby was due in the next month I could see that, but its due late September and the bride keeps talking about how they will need to go on a babymoon sometime in August. If you can go on a babymoon, you can write thank yous. Especially since the gifts didn't all come at once, they were scattered over a week or so. Mine even arrived a week early.

    Edit - this post posted twice, so I hide the second one.

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  • Natalie
    VIP June 2017
    Natalie ·
    • Flag

    Oh gross. Yeah don't expect a thank you anytime, anyone tacky enough to do a 'virtual shower' probably isn't sending out thank you notes.

    • Reply
  • MMB
    Master January 2017
    MMB ·
    • Flag

    I have a friend that did this for her baby shower. It was pretty gift grabby IMO. She just posted a thanks on fb whenever she received a gift.

    This was a tacky shower to begin with so I honestly wouldn't expect much of a thanks.

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  • StPaulGal
    Master July 2017
    StPaulGal ·
    • Flag

    Well, talking about taking a "babymoon" isn't the same as taking one. If August comes and they go on vacation and they still haven't sent thank yous, that would be super shitty.

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  • Melissa
    Devoted September 2018
    Melissa ·
    • Flag

    Yikes ive never heard of such a thing......how can you expect people to send you gifts when you cant be bothered to even have them over. my cousin doesnt have a ton of money so we had her shower at my house and all the aunts brought a dish and we played some games. this "online" shower sounds more gift greedy like they cant be bothered to even spend time with you and then they dont send a thank you ....... i would say over a month is more than suffiencient to send a thank you note.

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  • OGJessieJV
    Master July 1867
    OGJessieJV ·
    • Flag

    Yeah, I'm still waiting for thank you cards from a wedding 3 years ago. Suffice it to say, I didn't attend the baby shower for that one.

    • Reply
  • MandMHoagland
    Expert October 2017
    MandMHoagland ·
    • Flag

    I can't vent this to her, as I don't want to make waves. But it just made me grrrr inside.

    • Reply
  • augustlawbride
    Expert August 2017
    augustlawbride ·
    • Flag

    I'm confused the gift was sent in May and it's June and your mad that there's no thank you note while she's also planning a fast wedding. If she wrote them at the etiquette 2-3 week window then mailed them it'd just now likely be hitting when you should expect to receive them. If she considers the gifts wedding gifts given how it was done, then she may think that she has a year to do it (based on etiquette).

    I get thinking it's tacky, but I think it's a little early to be upset about no thank you. I received thank yous for shower gifts I've attended a month later and wasn't annoyed and that was without the other stuff. (I got mine out in a week but did nothing but write thank you notes in my free time to do so.) And I've had a friend who made it clear she was taking her full year to get them all out and find that three months post-wedding is averaged. I'm just now starting to get a little irked that I haven't gotten a thank you note for a January wedding as it's now approaching 6 months.

    • Reply
  • MandMHoagland
    Expert October 2017
    MandMHoagland ·
    • Flag

    The gift was sent/arrived May 1, wedding was June 3. We live 20 minutes apart so USPS would take maximum 2 days for a thank you note to arrive my house. My thought is, write the thank you when the gift arrives, that way it's done and you aren't overwhelmed. It takes what less than 5 minutes to write Thank you for the awesome wall art and kitchen gadgets. The art is already on the wall. See you in a few at the wedding :-) I have always been told that 3 months post wedding is average for wedding gift thank yous, not for shower thank yous. I would hope that most people would send a thank you for a shower gift before you actually get married.

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  • MAMW
    VIP August 2013
    MAMW ·
    • Flag

    I think you can give her a little bit more time before you get upset about not getting thank you note yet, but I do agree the "shower" sounds like something that I would find off-putting. Like you got an invitation that said please mail the bride a present? That's super weird. I would probably send a baby shower present though because it's not the baby's fault it's parents are rude, but that's just me. I'd still find it tacky.

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  • MandMHoagland
    Expert October 2017
    MandMHoagland ·
    • Flag

    Thank you for your thoughts. I am a bit of a perfectionist so often hold others to the same high standards as I do myself.

    • Reply
  • Ms.Fox
    VIP May 2018
    Ms.Fox ·
    • Flag

    I had a virtual housewarming party... because I moved 4 hours away from my family and friends and obviously wasn't going to have an actual party. I sent out thank you's IMEDIATELY after receiving any gift. I let them know how appreciative we were. Let's hope that she sends you one... or else that's rude as hell and you would be right not to participate in any further events.

    • Reply
  • VC
    Master May 2017
    VC ·
    • Flag

    What is this Virtual Shower or whatever?

    Why would you ever register for a gift anywhere and for what reason if you were not going to celebrate it with anyone in person???

    It's one thing if people could NOT attend and you held something but it's another thing you not even plan something and ask for gifts. WTF

    • Reply
  • Private_User832
    Master August 2017
    Private_User832 ·
    • Flag

    I'd give it some time to be annoyed. Getting married and having a baby is a lot so they are probably struggling to keep up.

    That being said, if you didn't like the virtual shower idea - you didn't have to participate

    If you still don't get a thank you card a few months from now, then I definitely think that's rude but for now, they could be working on it

    • Reply
  • WED18
    July 1993
    WED18 ·
    • Flag

    Give the poor girl a break. The etiquette faux pas was on the organizer of the virtual shower, not the bride. She might be combining her thank you notes with the wedding which may not be proper, but as long as you eventually get thanked it's not really a big deal. I'm sure she appreciates all you've done for her.

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