Chanae
Dedicated June 2019

Am i overreacting?

Chanae, on April 13, 2019 at 11:23 PM Posted in Planning 0 51
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So two things happened today that have me very irritated & upset. First, my future MIL went dress shopping today (I was not with her). I've been telling her for months that I would like her & my mom to be in silver and/or purple (any shade) dresses. She's asked a thousand times if she could wear white, champagne, red, etc. I've told her no. What does she do..... buys a gold & purple dress. 😑😑

Then, I received a RSVP card from one of my friends. She added a guest!!! Our response cards are worded "we have reserved __ seats in your honor". Her invite said 1. She literally scratched out the 1 and changed it to 2. We have a very strict guest list and only provided +1 for married couples & people we know have been in long term/ serious relationships. I do not have time to deal with things like this. I just feel like it was a very rude thing to do. I'll address the issue (nicely) once I've calmed down.

51 Comments

  • F
    Expert May 2019
    FutureMrs.S ·
    I would say the dress thing might be over reacting. You had told her purple and/or silver. I dont know how many dresses are just purple in general stores and not ones tailored to wedding party attire.

    As for the plus one. I would ask your FS to take that one on. I can't imagine she would want to bring some random stranger to her child's wedding, so maybe it is someone important to her. 🤷‍♀️
  • CDickman
    VIP September 2019
    CDickman ·
    I do not think you are over reacting about the plus one. The dress at least in my area mothers of groom and bride do not have a color they have to wear. Just not white or what the bridal party wears.
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    You were way out of line telling her what she can wear. Parents can wear whatever they want. As long as they are comfortable and confident they are good to go.

    Anyone in a relationship doesn't get a plus one. They are to be invited with their SO by name. Plus ones are for truly single people, and are optional but very kind and considerate to give to your loved onrs. If you failed to invite SOs, regardless of the time together or specific relationship status, you were again out of line.
  • Chanae
    Dedicated June 2019
    Chanae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Ours mom's asked me specifically what color I wanted them to wear.
  • Chanae
    Dedicated June 2019
    Chanae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    My FW & I are both being walked down the aisle by our mom's. They wanted everything to be cohesive so they specifically asked me what color.

    All of my guest with SOs were invited accordingly (which is what I meant by +1). We don't have the space or budget to give our single guest a +1 so we didn't. Hasn't been an issue for anyone but this person.
  • Hermione
    Devoted February 2020
    Hermione ·
    I too am on a strict no budget guest list. We can't get chairs. So if someone decides to bring plus anyone that can't sit in a lap, they don't have a seat. They might not have food either if it was last minute too. It's called I am very poor compared to bridal magazines.

    So, I understand the stress of that. It may be advisable to call up the friend. Figure out if there was an oversight and she's bringing her long term relationship, fiance/e or spouse. Then explain to her your limited seating problem if it was not an oversight.

    As for the parents, how formal are we talking about? If it's white tie or black tie, then yeah change it. But if it's casual, the parents just wear appropriate attire. Formal weddings are not my cup of tea so, I am planning a dress casual / nice suits wedding.
  • M
    0000
    Mim ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Your OP said that you told them silver or purple and that she asked about other colors and you told her "no". When she asked you should have said "choose something you feel great in". Now you are saying that THEY want to be cohesive. Which is it?

    You OP also said that you invited married people and those in long term/serious relationships. Now you are saying that you invited all SOs. So which is it?
  • Chanae
    Dedicated June 2019
    Chanae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I would say its somewhere between casual and formal lol. I feel you on the budget!! I'm pretty close to this friend & we talk often. She's single right now. I have no clue who this person is she's trying to bring.
  • Teresa
    Dedicated April 2020
    Teresa ·
    I'm having my mother & mother-in-law wear whichever colors they want. If they ask me I will say wear whatever color because it doesn't make a difference to me. Everyone is different in this area. In regards to the plus one I guess theres a lot of different opinions on here but in my opinion I'm allowing mostly everyone to bring a plus one because I wouldn't want to be invited to a wedding & go alone. Just my opinion.
  • Wendy
    Dedicated October 2019
    Wendy ·
    So I’m not going to lie. Years ago, there was a time where I was very wedding etiquette ignorant. You don’t know what you don’t know and common sense isn’t common practice. I may have done what your friend did (by May I mean I definitely did and I was a bridesmaid). She simply text me and told me they had a really tight guest list budgeted and plus 1’s were strictly for married or engaged couples. I totally understood and felt bad I put her in an awkward situation to have to text me that. It was ALL good. In hindsight it’s really great she didn’t cave and let me bring him because that guy I dated is not the guy I’m marrying now annnnd I also may have made out with the Best Man that night...who I’m also not marrying...(Hope you got a calming laugh out of that).
    As for the MIL outfits. It’s a tough one. I know a few brides that thought they shouldn’t have done guidelines and that was a regret for what to wear. One bride’s MIL showed up in white and I’ve heard other really bad stories. I let my MIL know that my mom would be in a long royal blue gown and Grammy would also be in a long gown, and the color of the bridesmaids dresses. Totally cool with any color (or length) but if she could do her best to stay clear of Forest Green and white I would greatly appreciate it and suggested jewel tones would really compliment everything well if she found something she liked in those tones. For me, it was just watching myself in making sure I prepared her with knowing what everyone was going to be wearing. I didn’t want it coming back to me with “you never told me the bridesmaids were going to be in forest green” or “I would have worn a gown if you told me your mom was wearing a gown.” Because that would happen to me. I think it’s always about approach.
  • C
    Super July 2019
    Crystal ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Agreed! Said what I was thinking!
  • Ashley
    Dedicated August 2019
    Ashley ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I dont think she was out of bounds, that's kind of harsh. I told parents and his to wear any black dress.. if they came in a hot pink, I think it irritating.. not that my parents would do that lol
  • Porterpoppin
    VIP March 2019
    Porterpoppin ·
    The only colors I asked anyone not to wear was obviously white. My mom and his mom asked what colors they could wear and I let them know “whatever they wanted” but they wanted to flow with my wedding colors so they were given options of pink, champagne, and navy blue. I wouldn’t have been upset if they didn’t choose the “options” but my mom chose navy blue and his chose champagne. I’d say this is slightly overreacting because it just really does make matter at the end of the day. Do you have a pic of her dress? How GOLD is this gold? lol that may be my only concern.

    As as far as the friend I think you’ll be fine if you guys are close, she should understand that she wasn’t offered a plus one. I didn’t offer a plus one to every single guest either. Like you said, if you are married or in a serious relationship then your spouse/bf/gf was invited. If I knew you weren’t in a relationship then only you are invited.
  • Candice
    Devoted July 2020
    Candice ·
    Well I'm an odd duck but I don't see why what your MIL wears is very important but if it matters to you then try to calmly tell her that gold is not in the plan or better yet try to delegate that task to your fiance.

    As for your rude guest tell her that you have space/budget whatever for only so many people and you can't afford to add guests which is why you didn't have a "plus one" style RSVP. No offense to her significant other but you don't feel you know them well and didn't plan for them to attend.
  • Chanae
    Dedicated June 2019
    Chanae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    I don't have a pic but the sides of the dress, the straps & details on the front are gold but I'm ok with it now. My dress is champagne & ivory so the fact that she kept asking if she could wear those specific colors was annoying. As far as my friend, im more upset at the way she went about it. But I'm not going to let any of this stuff stress me.
  • F
    Devoted June 2019
    F ·

    I wouldn't be too worried about MIL dress but the petty in me would most likely try to get my mom a dress that pops more than my MIL. Don't take that advice. If it is truly bothering you, just tell her that the color is off.

    Now, I would address the RSVP situation. I nicely informed people I only reserved a seat for you, please let me know if you will still be able to attend. Thank you.!


  • Porterpoppin
    VIP March 2019
    Porterpoppin ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Great idea on not letting these things stress you! I probably would’ve been annoyed too if you asked and I said no but you keep asking lol at this point just do what you want!
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    The dress: Over-reacting. The bride has no business telling guests or family what to wear. Period. No exceptions. She tells moms or others who ask, the level of formality of the wedding party attire. And all family and guest adults should wear that level of formality, or one level down. The bride and groom only decide what the Bridesmaids and Groomsmen wear. FOB decides for himself. Yes he may walk with the bride, but the rest of the night, he escorts his date/wife. Thus, if all the groomsmen and Best man and groom are in tuxes, he must at least wear a dressy suit, or a tux, his choice. . . You would be out of line to do anything more than suggest your preference. But mothers can say no, I would rather wear something else, and that is fine. Just as with bridesmaids, or groomsmen, you or groom may pick suit or dress, but though you may say, I like hair up or down, silver shoes or green ones, you can actually only require the dress. Hair style, facial hair, tattoos, jewelry, shoes: They must choose something of the same formality as the dress, that would generally be considers okay with the dress. No sneakers or purple shoes with orange dots with pink chiffon or formal black >>> but there is no etiquette rule that all members of the BP must match, except that in black tie or white tie, males in required black or white. . . TV un-reality shoes make it look like brides dictate everything they want. But long time and still current etiquette: they don't. B and G do not dictate to their own parents, or any adult guest, except where it affects safety. Adults choose their own clothing for social events.
  • Alyssa
    Super September 2019
    Alyssa ·

    Wow, some harsh comments on this post!

    As for the RSVP, I don't think you are overreacting at all. I am sure you have a reason for your strict guest list. But if that specific guest is not someone you want to start any problems with, I would say maybe just text or call them and explain that you only reserved 1 spot for her (although you don't need to justify yourself) it could potentially save a friendship rather than just getting mad and letting it eat at you.

    As for the MIL dress. I get the frustration but I would really just ask yourself if it is worth the stress. My mom and MIL to be asked me what color I would like and I asked them to wear any shade of gray or silver. I would never had asked them if they wouldn't have asked but since they did I felt it was ok to give them a color. My mom picked navy and his mom picked gold. I was more confused as to why they asked if they wanted other colors but among ALL the things I have going on with planning the wedding, I just decided it wasn't worth the stress or arguments with either of them!

  • Chanae
    Dedicated June 2019
    Chanae ·
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you!! I was starring to feel attacked. Its ok if others have different opinions but they dont have to be rude about it. I just think since they are walking us down the aisle they should look like they belong there lol. I was even ok with black. I only specified color. I dont care what style, how long etc. But purple & gold it is lol. It's a beautiful dress though

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