Awww. I am sorry. Everything thinks that after you get to a certain milestone its easy sailing after that (like being together 10 years.) But a relationship is always a work in progress.
Can I ask why you guys didn't move in together until after marriage? Getting married is a lot if you also add moving in with someone for the first time on top of it. FH and I moved in together when we had been together for 3.5 years. But we had spent the previous 3 years seeing each other every day. We have always had a relationship where we are together constantly, and we love it. So moving in together was not as big of a deal. The only difference is our bank accounts combined. But I can't imagine if I lived a completely separate life trying to combine it with someone else's all of the sudden.
Another thing to think about is because you now live with him you may be noticing (and be more sensitive) to him doing the things he has always done. Living with someone opens up your eyes so much more!
All in all I suggest counselling like these other lovely ladies did. I also suggest remembering you have 10 years under your belt. You didn't make it that far for nothing.
The first few months are the hardest!! I would fight constantly with the FH, it took us a long time to adjust. Even before we moved in together I was at his house everyday and still found things to be hard. I was always convinced " No that won't be me, I know him, I know what he does, what he likes and ect." And while I still stand by that, it STILL was different and hard for the both of us. Just hang in there and definitely take the advice to go to counseling. You guys have made it this far, you both owe it to yourselves and the relationship. You should tell him that! in the end if it all means nothing then hey at least you tried your best.
That's terrible you two are having such a rough time adjusting to marriage and living together. I agree counselling might be an option for you, as well if church is a large part of your life a lot of people can find help in that.
I am lucky in that my FH and I are similar enough people that when we moved in together it was as easy as taking another breath.
Since there is nothing you can do about that fact that you didn't live together before marriage there is no point in me bringing it up.
However the best advice I ever got was 'you can't change a man'. When I was younger I always wanted the guys I was with, but with my FH i have accepted him the way he is. I also believe 'you can't change a woman'. Relationships are not about changing to the other persons standards, they are about both of you adapting to eachother's lifestyles.
I think you just have to decide whether you are willing to stick it out for the long haul, 10 years of habits won't dissapear because you suddenly have a ring on your finger.
I wish you the best.
Rachel DellaPorte ·
Mrs. Hicks, I know you said that he isn't willing to talk to your pastor (that's how I interpretted it). Is he willing to talk to a secular therapist? You sound as though you are desperately unhappy and disappointed, and I'm wondering how we are all seeing that and he isn't seeing it.
Have you considered writing him a letter? Sometimes letters can be more effective than conversations because the reader has to fully engage in what the other person is saying. Conversations are filled with rabbit trails, interruptions, and sometimes, defensiveness. Even if it looks like the other party is listening, they may not be hearing. I would tell him, in a letter, that you are asking for a gesture of love on his part, and that gesture would be going together to speak to a neutral party. Remind him of the vows he took if you have to. If he made a commitment to love and honor you, then you have a right to let him know how he can actually do that. Let him know that, in a counseling situation, you would be completely prepared and willing to take ownership of anything you may have done to add to this stalemate you're living in (that doesn't mean I believe you've done anything wrong or that you are to be blamed for expecting something more, but it might lower his defenses if he believes he won't be walking into an ambush situation in which everything is his fault). A lot of men are resistant to counseling, and I think that may be why they are hesitant to go.
I don't know if either of you has been married before, but as the ladies have said, the first year -- hell, the first five years -- can be very hard (and I'm celebrating my 33rd anniversary in January, so I know what I'm talking about). If he'll go to counseling, that's a big move in the right direction. It's proof that he's hearing you, and most of the time, that's a big part of the problem. Many wives just don't believe their husbands hear them. That would be my goal right now -- not to fix the whole thing -- but to start on the path.
I agree with Centerpiece.. a letter may be better. Ask him if he is willing to go to a counselor that neither one of you knows. He took vows and you both have to be willing to do every single thing you can in order to honor those vows. I can't give any advice because I am in a similar boat as you. In your letter to him (if you choose to go that route) you should let him know flat out how you are feeling, and that you are thinking of throwing in the towel if he doesn't even show interest and trying to work it out. Not saying that it will be fixed over night... but there has to be effort, or at least acknowledgement of your feelings. I am sorry you are going through this. I am praying for you guys.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I think counseling, a mentor couple from church, and the letter are great ways to approach your DH. Give him and yourself time. Sending ((HUGS)) and praying for a breakthrough in your marriage:-)
Like the others had said, I'm sorry you are going through this. Marriage can be different, especially if you have not lived together.
For 10 years, when you and your DH would see each other, both of you were on your "best behavior". When your husband got home from a date, he could just kick off his shoes and throw his clothes anywhere, drink a beer and watch TV. Also, if he came home after midnight no one was at home to "worry" where he was and ask him when he was coming home.
Now that you're married, it takes time to adjust that someone is at home waiting for him.
Also, when you are older it is even harder to adjust living habits that you had during your singlehood years. You get used to certain things, and changing for someone else (even a spouse) is hard. When I first moved in with FH, there were some things that he did that annoyed me and some things that I did that annoyed him, we just learned to accept it, tell each other and change a little bit. Most stuff you don't even realize is annoying until someone lives with you.
Centerpiece and Chantel I have written a letter and bought a couple of cards. He blames everything on the deaths he has had in the family of the past 2 years. Yet he seems fine when he is with friends. I have tried and tried to explain my feelings and he just keeps saying he doesn't feel anything is wrong. He cannot be that oblivious, I feel he just doesn't want to deal with it.
I'm so sorry to hear that. Moving in together is a huge change, it can take longer than 6 months to adjust. The first year for us was very easy but we already lived together 4 years before we were married. Now year 2? Was hell on earth!!!!!! But we made it through and are headed to many more years. I agree with the other ladies....seek professional help. Being together for 10 years is worth it! Hang in there.
Man, if I could stay on best behaviour for 10 years that would be a miracle.
Moving is one of the most stressful things, EVER. And sometimes stress shows itself in different ways-- maybe for him it's going out all the time with his buds. I'm not saying it's an excuse I'm just saying he's still the same guy that you've been with for the last 10 years, and I agree, it's worth it to try and fight a little longer.
Everyone of you ladies are amazing, beautiful women and I truly appreciate the advice and support. I have felt better just reading all of your comments. I am going to do my best to fight for us, I just pray he will fight with me.
We had a huge fight on Thursday night but on Friday we seemed to have a small breakthrough and I will take that.