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What to do when your family seems against the wedding?

I wonder if anyone else out there has experienced similar problems and can lend a word on how to deal with the drama.
My parents and grandmother have acted so incredibly despicable throughout the entire wedding planning process. From my mother's unhappy reaction when I told her wee set a date (she said it was a bad time for them right now), to her telling me she doesn't approve of my fiance (we've been together five years), and now my grandmother and aunt and uncle are saying they won't come for truly lame reasons. The Aunt and Uncle are saying they can't get time of work to go (wedding's not til June) and grams is saying she's afraid to fly (its in the bahamas). I am totally shocked at their behavior as we are, or were, pretty close and I had included them as 'yes' guests in my contract for the guaranteed number of guests.
I don't know what to do. I am so hurt by all their behavior and cry to my fiance who then gets upset at my family for hurting my feelings.
Any advice?

Posted On: Nov 7, 2009 at 11:37 PM | Vendors are allowed to participate

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Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

19 Comments | Login or Signup to post a comment!

Anna S.

Wedding: 03/21/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 12:10 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
This is something that I am going through. But the only thing that you can do is send the invite for it and hope that they come. My family is against the whole thing other than my brother and one of my aunts. So what I am going to do is send the invite and leave it up to them. Because if you think of it this way, you did your part on meeting in the middle and now it is up to them. And at the end of the day they will be the ones that are regretting not going to your wedding. Don't treat them different or try to understand where they are coming from because that just makes it harder. Only time will tell as to what they are going to do.

HIS_WIFEY_09

Married: 11/14/2009

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 12:34 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I agree with Anna. There are always going to be people that disagree with our decisions, even family. There were comments made from his side of the family but hey life goes on and at the end of the day its us not them. All i can say is do your part and include them and it will be there decision at the end of the day. If they truly care for u they will be there for you on ur special day. Good luck and keep ur head up!!!

3.6.10Bride

Wedding: 03/06/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:30 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I totally understand and feel for you. My parents had the same reaction when I told them I was engaged. It really hurt me and I had a difficult time dealing with it for the first couple of months. But you know what? In the end I decided that I am an adult (31 years old) and the reasons that they don't think I should be getting married are not good reasons. They don't like the fact that my fiance is divorced. (Religious reasons.) To me, that doesn't matter because I believe he has been forgiven for that, but they don't believe in forgiveness. Anyway, what I'm saying is, if they had VALID reasons for not wanting me to get married, then I would give it more credibility and be concerned. But since their reasons are things things are silly to me, I'm trying not to let it bother me. Not saying that sometimes it doesn't upset me, but I'm trying to move on. I would suggest you do the same thing. Take a look at the reasons why they're against you marrying this man and if they are (continued)

3.6.10Bride

Wedding: 03/06/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:34 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
legitimate reasons, then take some time to give it some consideration. But if the reasons are not things you think are important, then go on planning your wedding without them and don't look back. Also, think about your friends. Are they excited for you or do they share your family's feelings? If they're excited, then that's a good thing. If they have reservations, then maybe you need to take a closer look at why the people you care about are against it. One final thing, I know it sucks and it hurts, but part of growing up (and it's taken me years and year to figure this out) is letting go of the need to have your family's approval. If this is an ongoing issue for you, you might want to check a book called The Mom Factor. It helped me out a lot. Okay, enough of a novel from me. Good luck to you and happy planning!

3.6.10Bride

Wedding: 03/06/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:37 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
Oh, one more thing....just looked at your bio...Cable Beach is AWESOME! Have you been there before? We went in May and it was the most beautiful place I'd ever been. I've been all over the Caribbean and didn't want to go to the Bahamas because I thought it was going to be dirty/ugly/run down, but I won a free 3 day trip there. Anyway, I was so impressed. I've never seen such crystal clear water! Your wedding is going to be beautiful.

soon to be mrs hubbs

Wedding: 05/15/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:40 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
i agree with 3.6.10 take a look at why they dont want you too. if you have been with this guy for 5 years then im sure you know a lot about him and that you are good together. i went through this with my first husband but my family had a good reason to not want me to marry him and thats because i was not happy with him even before the wedding. their reason was cause they wanted me happy, however from what little you have told us it sounds like none of their reasons are because of you or how he treats you. it just sounds like its about tehma nd what they want EX. your parents said its not a good time for them? that sounds like its all about them unless maybe there are some money problems (and who today does not have them) and they are wanting to help you but feel like they wont be able to. and for your aunt its crazy who would wanna pass up a trip to the bahamas? now i would argree with your grandmother cause i am scared to fly and i refuse to so if she has flight issues like that i

soon to be mrs hubbs

Wedding: 05/15/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:41 AM \| Flag As Inappropriate
would understand

Crystal

Crystal Sword Jewelry & Gifts

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 1:09 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
My parents didn't approve of my husband either, partly because of his divorce and he had a soon to be 12 year old son. Everyone gave the marriage 6 months (MAYBE) and of course, the date was wrong, none of my siblings were available and my parents were suddenly going to be away on vacation....well, we planned it, and paid for it ourselves and got married on our chosen date....that was over 21 years ago and we're still going strong....go with your heart, its rarely wrong!

Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 1:26 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
Thank you to everyone for your helpful comments. Crystal, it sounds like your family didn't come around...how was your relationship with them after that? I understand that I shouldn't begin treating them differently now because they've hurt me and just let it go. Take the high road and handle the problem with class. And that is probably what I will do. But I'm so angry and wounded by them right now. It's not that I crave their approval...I need their support. I've always been so close with my family and now their behavior is just all the more deplorable because it's so surprising. I wish my grandfather were still alive...he used to lay down the law when the women got out of hand. Now there's no one left to take the reins. And 3/6/10, thanks for the info about Cable Beach. I was concerned that it may end up looking a bit like a dirty tourist trap (why we did not choose key west) but it's great to hear that it's as beautiful as I hoped. And you are right about pinpointing the...

Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 1:36 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
concerns about my fiance. My friends love him and are so excited, and his family is great and supportive and so excited. My mother and grandmother don't like him because he doesn't go out of his way to brown-nose them as they would like. He's been by my side every step of the way and been my shoulder to cry on all the other times they pulled this emotional blackmail stuff. Like when I decided to quit work to go back to school, then to law school, and now with getting married. So he kinda dislikes them because of how they act and hurt me, but he's not rude or impolite to them. So that's why they think he's the wrong choice for me. Guess that's another issue under a larger topic, huh. But I never dreamed they would give me a hard time about ATTENDING my wedding. That's a real shocker. I was always under the impression that if people love you that they will be there for you on big days. Maybe I'm naive and expecting too much from them. Take the high road, take the high road...

Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 1:39 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I think I'll make that a bumper sticker and scatter my belongings with that saying so I don't slip. lol (then give some to my family) Thank you for the tip on the book, I'm going to order that. And Anna, 3/6/10 and anyone else with the same problem, I hop and pray that your family comes aroundwhen the time comes. It is nice to know that mine isn't the only absurd family out there, and that others have been in the same boat and made it through ok. Best

Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 1:55 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
To give some perspective on my emotional state right now... I left a bridal sample sale after 18 minutes this morning and absolutely in tears. All the other brides had their mom's, grandma's, and bridal party there with them and I was alone (I live in NYC for law school, no one is around here). I even got bullied out of the dressing room by this one girl's mom/grandma duo. But cried all the way back to the bus and for an hour when I got home cuz I wished my mom and grandma cared half as much. So you're saying that it does get easier then, does it?

LovelyUnique

Wedding: 02/11/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 2:42 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
aaawww Rosie. I am so sorry for your hard times. It's tough when you dont have a support system within your family........ you'll want to give up, probably at lot. But Don't give up! Just come on here and vent with us. Let us boast you up, and give you the confidence you need to get through this. A lot of us are not working with the ideal situation when it comes to planning our weddings, but we support eachother here. There has even been brides getting together that are closer to eachother. To meet up, befriend, and help with the planning. Maybe we can find you a bride to help out locally and go dress shopping and things with you. It'll be fun!!

Crystal

Crystal Sword Jewelry & Gifts

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 5:41 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
Rosie, Mom and I are still close, but they were on vacation for our wedding....she still doesn't care for my hubby but that's her problem...she never really has given him a chance. I lost Dad in 1996, he finally accepted my husband, but I wish they had been closer. Hubby lost his own father when he was just 2 years old and never had a male influence in his life....he really looked up to my Dad in a lot of ways. None of my brothers and sisters liked him because when we got married he was a deputy...guess they were afraid to be around him because of the drunk driving and drug usage... LOL....I'd have been afraid too! Hubby is permanently disabled now, but he's able to do a few weddings a year (he became an ordained minister almost 20 years ago). Since I had been married previously I didn't bother with a wedding gown, no one was there to see it anyhow, we went to the JP's office. Cont.....

Crystal

Crystal Sword Jewelry & Gifts

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 5:45 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
I learned early on not to depend on my family or anyone else, I just do it and get it done in my own time and fashion. I'm the oldest of six kids and since I was from Mom's 1st marriage, I fended for myself a lot. Good luck, Rosie, don't let it get to you...hold that pretty head of your's high and get it done. You have a loving "family" here on WW and we're all behind you!

AmyMarie

Wedding: 12/21/2009

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:12 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
My FH's family dislikes me and I never even met them! Having a controlling family, this is to be expected. My FH was married before and while going through his long divorce, he stayed with his parents (for which a younger brother and sister still live as well). After his divorce, he stayed there 2 years to try to save money and instead, he ended up in more debt supporting his low-life sister and mom and dad taking advantage of him. His mother was known to be vindictive and has gone as low to play 'sick' so he would feel guilty and help with house chores. It's just funny how the days they needed his so-called 'help' were the days we had dates! He looked outside the box and finally left and got his own place. I could not belive that before he left all his mom was worried about was who was going to pay for the weekly lunchmeat! She didn't care where he was going at all and his moving out was my fault! This happened in March 2008 and he has not heard from them since!

Rosie

Wedding: 06/27/2010

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 8:56 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
You guys are all so great! And talking this all out with unbiased listeners (readers:)) has been so helpful. Lovelyunique: I will def take your suggestions and look for locals to connect with. It may be nice to have someone to go to the next bridal show with. Crystal: Your strength and independence is inspiring. Thank you so much for sharing and encouraging me to go on, with or without them. Thank you all!

Rev. Carleen

"With This Ring" Wedding Ceremonies

Posted On: Nov 08, 2009 at 9:59 PM \| Flag As Inappropriate
My MIL called my husband a week before our wedding after having a few glasses of wine to shout out of the blue about what a mistake he was making and she wouldn't come to the wedding, blah, blah, yada, yada. Brian was 10 years younger and I had a daughter that was 12 (I was 32). I had always had a young soul and he an old one. Our close friends didn't know there was an age difference without us telling them. We had been together for two years when we wed. His mom adored me, until she found out about my age and daughter. Long story short, her ex talked her into going, she smiled for the photos, and 17 years later we are still together and within 3-4 years we had an amazing change in her attitude. You cannot change others reaction to you, only your reaction to them. My heart breaks every time I hear of someone else going through it, and how you were treated at the event. I wish you happiness beyond measure.

Rev. Carleen

"With This Ring" Wedding Ceremonies